Prayers at Sea/ PSAs for Teens/Coalition for Divorce Reform/ Equality / Maria's Pain / Remember?!? - 5/23/11
Smartmarriages
smartmarriages at lists101.his.com
Mon May 23 17:07:07 EDT 2011
- PUTTING THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE
- VIDEOS/PSA¹S FOR TEENS IN COURT SETTINGS
- THE COALITION FOR DIVORCE REFORM (CDR)
- DISAGREEMENTS ARE NORMAL
- COMMITMENT EQUALITY
- MARIA SHRIVER¹S PAIN
- REMEMBER, YOU WERE NUTS ABOUT HIM! REMEMBER?!
____________________________________
- PUTTING THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE
Many of you are familiar with James and Audora Berg both from their many
Marriage Matters columns I¹ve shared and also from the Smart Marriages
conferences. This column really puts things in perspective and makes some
very helpful points. http://tinyurl.com/5rkrzyo - diane
------------------------------------------------
- VIDEOS/PSA¹S FOR TEENS IN COURT SETTINGS
Diane,
The local juvenile court has asked if we have any videos about healthy teen
relationships which would be appropriate to show in their waiting room as
teens and their parents are waiting for court appearances. Do you know of
any short (perhaps PSAs) which we could obtain (free or for purchase)?
Thanks.
Bea Northcott, Executive Director
Marriage Investors, Inc. (Johnson County, IN)
bnorthcott at embarqmail.com (bnorthcott at embarqmail.com)
www.marriageinvestors.org
Please email Bea with your suggestions AND please copy me so I can share
this great idea and resources with the list. If you suggest resources,
include prices and ordering info. - diane
-----------------------------------------------------
- THE COALITION FOR DIVORCE REFORM (CDR)
And, join the new Coalition for Divorce Reform and help reduce the numbers
of teens that need to go to court (as discussed above). Divorce
DRAMATICALLY increases the teen crime and this new coalition is focused on
moving upstream to prevent divorce and head off juvenile crime and so many
of our social problems BEFORE THEY START. Founded by Chris Gersten and with
many names you¹ll recognize on the Advisory Board (John Crouch, Scott
Stanley, Harville Hendrix, Michelle Weiner-Davis, etc, etc), the Coalition
has created template Parental Divorce Reduction legislation as the
foundation for their national state-by-state campaign. Visit the site and
read the legislation; log in so you can respond to blogs; let Chris know if
you want to become a Blogger on the site; and register for their free
newsletter. Their Divorce legislation will mandate Divorce Reduction
Education for all parents with minor children (where domestic violence is
not an issue) and, of course, Divorce Education is simply Marriage Education
by another name so great way for all of you to get your programs,
resources, and skills to them that needs them the most.
To get started in your state, visit the CDR website read inspirational
articles and the legislation template:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory/321
They also have a Facebook page going to their page and Œliking¹ it is such
an easy way to help spread this good news.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Coalition-For-Divorce-Reform/175335009188866?r
ef=ts&sk=wall
-----------------------------------------------------
- DISAGREEMENTS ARE NORMAL
I clipped this one from Dave and Liz Percival's UK Marriage Newsletter. We
all know disagreements are normal, but it¹s fun and somehow comforting to be
reminded that couples all bicker about the same silly stuff. - d
Many a cross word is good for a marriage
Seven tiffs a day is perfectly normal according to the Independent
<http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/commentators/claudia-pritchard-many-a-
cross-word-is-good-for-a-marriage-2287413.html> .
Bicker. It sounds so harmless virtually a snicker, or a knicker, or a
flicker, a flame so tiny as to hardly count. It is not like a row, which
rhymes with "Ow!" and ends so abruptly. So the news last week that couples
bicker on average seven times a day will bring more consolation than dismay
to those for whom the complex business of living together is a constant
mystery.
Triggers for a ding-dong, according to the insurance company that analysed
the 2,455 annual bust-ups (what was its interest do couples claim for
ornaments thrown and smashed in anger?) are topped by the catch-all "not
listening". Overspending is hard on its heels, but the fun starts with the
92 arguments, for passions clearly run high over dill, about what to have
for dinner, and 91 accusations of driving too fast.
Other trouble spots include when to have sex (87 it is not specified
whether this concerns the hour, the day or the month), not closing cupboard
doors (79), and walking past things that need to go upstairs (a
spectacularly gratifying 90). Many of the flashpoints, if not the sex
calendar, could be fixed by having staff. The good news is that neglecting
to say "I love you" is much rarer than disagreeing over the choice of
television channel or not emptying the washing machine.
When today's couples reach their platinum anniversaries, if local newspapers
live to tell the tale, the secret of their long partnerships will be out:
give and take and many a cross word.
----------------------------------------------------
- COMMITMENT EQUALITY
This very intriguing finding also from Liz & Dave¹s www.2-in-2-1.co.uk
newsletter. - diane
Want Lasting Love? It¹s Not More Commitment, but EQUAL COMMITMENT That
Matters
It stands to reason that a well-loved child can become a loving adult. But
what prepares us to make a strong commitment and work out differences with
an intimate partner? And what happens when one person is more committed than
the other?
Six researchers‹M. Minda Oriña of St. Olaf College; W. Andrew Collins,
Jeffry A. Simpson, Jessica E. Salvatore, and John S. Kim of the University
of Minnesota and Katherine C. Haydon of the University of Illinois at
Urbana-Champaign‹used the rich mine of data in the Minnesota Longitudinal
Study of Risk and Adaptation (MLSRA), coupled with a lab procedure, to look
for the answers.
Their findings, which will be published in the June issue of Psychological
Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science
<http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/news/releases/want-lasting-lo
ve-its-not-more-commitment-but-equal-commitment-that-matters.html> , suggest
that supportive, involved mothering in toddlerhood and an ability to work
through conflict in adolescence are good predictors of becoming the ³strong
link²‹the person with the bigger stake‹in adult relationships. If the
opposite happened in earlier life, chances are the person will be the ³weak
link²‹the one with one foot out the door.
Equally important, though, is what these predictors don¹t account for: It¹s
good to be prepared for love. But it takes two to tango.
Interestingly, it¹s not the partners¹ individual commitments that make the
most difference in the grace and longevity of the dance. It¹s how well their
levels of commitment match up. Two strong links will be benevolent and
tolerant when the going gets rough. Two weak links may be lax about working
things out, but their expectations are equally low‹so there¹s less friction.
But when a weak link and a strong link pair up, the one with less investment
has more influence‹and stability is the loser.
The researchers recruited 78 MLSRA participants, 20 or 21 years old, and
their heterosexual romantic partners. A questionnaire assessing each
participant¹s level of commitment was analyzed alongside data from two
earlier points in the longitudinal study. First, two-year-olds were observed
doing a difficult task while their mothers looked on. Did their mother
laugh, help, or ignore the child? Second, at 16, the subjects recounted
dealing with a conflict with a best friend, and were assessed for relational
attitudes and skills.
This time, each couple discussed‹and tried to resolve‹the problem that
caused them the most conflict. Then they talked about the things they agreed
on most. Their videotaped interactions were rated for the amount of
hostility‹coldness, rejection, and remorseless injury‹and hopelessness about
the relationship that each partner displayed, and how each tried to quell
those in the other.
As expected, the couples with disparate commitments were the most hostile.
The study contributes to our understanding of how we learn to love well.
When you¹re a baby or a teenager, ³you are learning to manage your own needs
and those of the people you care about,² Oriña says. ³You learn: Can I come
forward with a problem? What can I expect of the other person? And how can I
do this in a way that everyone wins?²
--------------------------------------------
- MARIA SHRIVER¹S PAIN
Dear Diane,
I just read the article you distributed: "Maria Shriver and Infidelity
Victims can save marriage, say experts." And I read the linked article about
the California Healthy Marriages Coalition's "advice" as to what they should
do.
I also wrote an article about the Maria-Arnold situation that offers a
different perspective. Basically, I'm making an appeal for people (including
experts) not to be too quick to say what Maria should or shouldn't do.
Maria Shriver's Pain
by Peggy Vaughan
Our hearts go out to Maria Shriver as she faces this painful situation. Of
course, she's not the first (and won't be the last) wife of a politician or
celebrity who faces this kind of public exposure of her personal life.
But this situation feels particularly painful--for many reasons:
• the affair itself (and the rumors that there were others)
• the child born from the affair
• the length of time of the deception
• the woman being part of her household for 20 years
Exposure of the affairs of high-profile people creates a media storm that
adds to the difficulty for people in Maria's situation. But she's part of a
long list of women (and men), both famous and "unknown," who struggle to
pick up the pieces after this kind of blow. And there's every reason to
believe that Maria will handle this with the same kind of strength she has
shown throughout her life. Even now, she's made clear that her first
priority is the well-being of her children.
As we watch this story unfold, it will be tempting to second-guess what
Maria should say or do. But I hope people will withhold judging the
"rightness" or "wrongness" of any of her decisions or statements.
Also, she should not be judged as to whether she knew (or should have known)
about Arnold's extracurricular activities through the years. I know
personally how confusing and challenging it can be to determine
whether/when/how to fully "know"-- and how difficult it can be to weigh the
consequences of taking some particular action vs. not taking it. There are
many factors to be considered at every step along the way, and you can not
walk in someone else's shoes.
As I have pointed out before, those who haven't been through this experience
really don't have a clue as to what they would or wouldn't do unless and
until it happens to them. And even those of us who have been through it
can't judge for someone else. No two people and no two situations are
exactly alike. So there should be NO judgment of anyone's decisions in how
they handle it.
While we can never know for sure how we would react (regardless of what we
think we would do), I can say that Maria is responding as she said she would
in a situation like this. It was 1981 (30 years ago) when James and I were
promoting our first book, Beyond Affairs and telling our own personal story,
that we appeared on a TV show called "Leave it to the Women." The panel was
made up of four women, one of whom was Maria Shriver.
This was five years before her marriage to Arnold, but they were already a
couple, albeit a "secret" one. He was at the show with her, and we talked
with him backstage. He had read our book, but most of our discussion with
him focused on his advice about marketing rather than on the content.
However, on the show itself, Maria directly addressed us with these words:
"I wouldn't have tolerated that in my marriage.
I have a serious boyfriend. He knows it. He agrees.
I read the book. I was so mad at you [James] that I wanted to wring your
neck."
These words were typical of the reactions we got in the hundreds of media
events we did in those early years. Since we were the first couple to "go
public" about our struggle with affairs and staying married, we unleashed
the pent-up emotions that most people hold about this issue.
The exposure of affairs continues to create strong emotions among the
public, leading to lots of discussion of this topic. But rather than talking
only about Maria and Arnold's marriage, I encourage everyone to use this as
an opportunity to talk about your own personal relationships.
How well do you really know your "significant other?"
How honest are you about attractions, temptations, and actions regarding
monogamy?
If you haven't had these conversations, now is the time to start. As
difficult as it may be to talk about it now, it's far more difficult to deal
with it after an affair takes place.
Regardless of the current state of your relationship, no one is immune to
the threat of affairs. They happen to all kinds of people in all walks of
life, including "good people in good marriages." My most recent book, To
Have and To Hold, is aimed at helping people prevent affairs.
Posted online at: http://tinyurl.com/3zaexsd
----------------------------------------------------
- REMEMBER, YOU WERE NUTS ABOUT HIM! REMEMBER?!
Diane,
A few weeks ago we were asked by a Catholic parish in Wells, Maine to
conduct a three hour marriage enrichment program and then discuss with
the group of couples in attendance the possibility of a more extensive
program later in the fall. We took the couples through three different
exercises from three different programs; Mastering the Mysteries of
Love, Ten Great Dates and the Five Love Languages. There was only
enough time to do one activity from each program and the first section
of Ten Great Dates was chosen because we felt that it would be easy,
fun and positive. In the first activity we asked couples to recall the
first time they met, first date, first realization that they were in
love, their wedding day, etc.
When the couples returned after sharing this activity with each other
we asked if anyone cared to share their overall experience. One woman
said it reminded them of a crisis around the tenth year of their
marriage. They had hit a "bump" as she called it and she felt she
really didn't like her husband anymore. In fact she had shared with a
close friend and former college roommate her dislike for her husband
and her thoughts about divorce. "I told my friend that I couldn't
stand him and wondered if I had ever loved him"
"Are you crazy?" her friend said, "Don't you remember you were nuts
about him!!" Based on just that reminder she decided to work on her
marriage and now, seventeen years later, she said they are happier
than they had ever been. Her husband who was also there agreed.
The eight couples who attended Saturday are excited about having a
longer program in the fall.
Your post today (Falling In Love Again-One More Try) reminded
me of that incident. David and Claudia, I hope you know how much good
you have done for thousands of couples over the years. I think that
this parish will decide to offer Ten Great Dates this fall.
With love and appreciation,
Steve and Kathy Bierne
foundationsnewsletter.net
Thanks for the feedback Steve and Kathy. Here are links to
Ten Great Dates - http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory/64
And, Mastering the Mysteries - http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory/197
And, your email reminds me of the great Michele Weiner-Davis Guerilla
Divorce Busting Smart Marriages keynotes that reminded us that when our
friends or siblings or kids complain about their marriages or spouses, what
we say can make or break a marriage ‹ that we need everyone from family
members, to neighbors, to hair stylists, to dentists on board to nudge
people back toward their marriages.
And, it reminds me, too, of this clip from the Marriage Quotes page I¹ll
share it just because it¹s nice to be reminded.
Diane,
A woman in my online group was being very negative about her husband and
the
group leader told her to try to think of some positives, even if it were
difficult. This is what she came up with. I thought it was touching. I
just wanted you to see it.
- - - - - - - - -
H was very helpful in the kitchen. He usually got home from work around 3
PM, and he usually made dinner for the family. I don't get home until
around
5 PM. He did all the yard work, took care of all car maintenance, always
called me if he was going to be late, instilled complete trust, did the
lion's share of bill paying because I hate to write due to carpal tunnel
syndrome, balanced the checkbook, fixed the toilet when it would break
(regularly), painted the outside of the house.
He usually remembered to put the toilet seat and lid down. He vacuumed
occasionally. He spent lots of time with the kids. He bought advent
calendars with chocolate behind each day for the kids every Christmas
season. He laughed and joked a lot, and didn't like to be serious. He told
me when I looked good. He learned to enjoy horses because our girls and I
loved to ride.
He was willing to try new dishes I prepared. He loved my lasagna. He went to
church with the family every Sunday, even though he had trouble staying
awake during preaching. Although he doesn't like classical music, he went
to
almost every concert our daughters played in when they were in youth
symphony (4 years for one and 6 years for the other).
He held my hand through 3 labors and deliveries, and whispered in my ear to
encourage me. He lovingly dressed an open wound for me after surgery for a
breast abscess after the birth of our 3rd. Four years later, he stood
beside
my bed as I was being wheeled to surgery to remove a breast due to cancer,
and tears filled his eyes as they did mine. That was in 1989.
He walked the floor for hours at night with a sleepless, cranky child. He
spooned cereal and baby food into little mouths, and endured spit-up and
baby poop on his clothing. He helped me take care of my mother as she was
dying of cancer.
Is this what you mean, JJ? It was difficult to get started, but look what I
accomplished! I also have a huge lump in my throat and tears in my eyes
right now. He was a fantastic husband! My sister told me he "adored" me,
and
I guess that's correct for a lot of the 26 years we have been married.
Unknown
****************** And, while I¹m at it, and because this post isn¹t quite
long enough :), I¹ll include a few more from the quotes page.....because it
always amazes me when I visit the quotes page that everyone from Ogden Nash
to Ronald Reagan to Frederich Nietzsche has such quotable wisdom about
marriage. And, especially Willard Harley! I love his Policy of
Enthusiastic Joint Agreement wish we could get it to the rest of the
world. - diane
When a guy is happily married, no matter what happens at work,
no matter what happens [during] the rest of the day, there's a shelter
when you get home. There's a knowledge, knowing that you can
hug somebody without them throwing you downstairs and saying,
'Get your hands off me.'"
AND
Being married is like having a color television set. You never want
to go back to black and white.
Danny Perosa, NPR "Story Corps" Morning Edition
Listen: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=3844820
****************
In one of his famous Lake Woebegon monologues, humorist Garrison
Keillor described a long married couple. Every night the husband
consumed a generous portion of the same menu offering. (Breaded
veal cutlets as I recall). Every night over the course of four
decades, the husband devoured the cutlets, wiped his face with a
napkin, pushed his chair away from the table and looked his wife in
the eye. He smiled at her and spoke in a tender voice, "That's the
best you've ever done." It may sound monotonous to you, but to her
his words of appreciation sounded like sweet music.
Norm Bales, All About Families
*************
To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the
wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it;
whenever you're right, shut up.
Ogden Nash
*************
The man who puts into the marriage only half
of what he owns will get that out.
Ronald Reagan
*************
Love doesn't sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread;
re-made everyday, made new.
Unknown
*************
A good marriage at age 50 predicted positive aging at 80. But,
surprisingly, low cholesterol levels did not.
George Valliant, MD, Harvard Medical School
*************
The Policy of Joint Agreement: Never do anything without an enthusiastic
agreement between you and your spouse. This policy helps men take their
wives' feelings into account whenever they make a decision - avoid
thoughtless habits, learn to meet emotional needs with mutual enjoyment and
resolve conflicts. This creates marital compatibility and emotional bonding.
Whenever he follows it, he learns to think about his wife's reaction to
everything he does. Some argue that just an agreement would be a big help,
why insist on enthusiastic agreement? It's because couples need to avoid
agreements that are coerced or self-sacrificing. Couples need to learn how
to come to agreements that take both of their interests into account at
once. I have encouraged couples to continue to negotiate until they arrive
at an enthusiastic agreement because they're the ones that stand the test of
time. Joint agreement means that both
must be enthusiastic together, and no one risks losing their identity or
subjecting themselves to slavery or control when they themselves must be
enthusiastic about each decision. The goal is to become united in purpose
and spirit, not to overpower or control each other. Think of it as creating
a mutually enjoyable lifestyle.
Willard Harley, MarriageBuilders.com
*********************
When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you
believe that you will be able to converse well with
this person into your old age? Everything else in
marriage is transitory.
Friedrich Nietzsche
*************
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