Marriage Tool: Rose Colored Glasses/ Free Intimacy Seminar - March 1st / Divorce Reconciliation Programs - 2/28/11

Smartmarriages smartmarriages at
Mon Feb 28 13:30:46 EST 2011

- People Who Think Their Partners Are a Perfect Fit Stay Happier‹Even if
They¹re Wrong
- FREE SEMINAR MARCH 1, 7PM EST - How to Get Back Your Sexual Mojo and
Reignite Intimacy 
> -------------------------------------------------

- People Who Think Their Partners Are a Perfect Fit Stay Happier‹Even if
They¹re Wrong
(As we know, rose-colored glasses are a good thing when it comes to
marriage.  Not just good; so critically important that we should hand them
out at all our marriage education classes.  It¹s always a good thing to have
new research like this that confirms the importance of Unconditional
Positive Regard. - diane)
> Conventional wisdom says that if you idealize the person you marry, the
> disappointment is just going to be that much worse when you find out they
> aren't perfect. But new research published in Psychological Science, a journal
> of the Association for Psychological Science, challenges that assumption;
> people who were unrealistically idealistic about their partners when they got
> married were more satisfied with their marriage three years later than less
> idealistic people.
> For the study, 222 couples were recruited as they applied for their marriage
> licenses at the Buffalo, New York, City Hall. "We've never had trouble getting
> people involved in our research, because people are interested in
> relationships and in understanding their own relationship," says Sandra Murray
> of the University of Buffalo, a coauthor of the study. The participants filled
> out surveys on themselves, their partner, and their marriage every six months
> for three years.
> Murray and her colleagues examined what people said about their hopes for an
> ideal partner, how they described their partners, and how the partners
> described themselves. From this, the researchers developed a ranking of how
> idealistic, and how based in reality, each person's perception was. Some
> people were unrealistically idealistic; others were less idealistic. For
> example, say Joanne describes her ideal partner as athletic and smart, but not
> necessarily very creative. Her husband, Frank, is smart and creative, but not
> very athletic. If Joanne ranks him as more athletic than he is, then she's
> being unrealistically idealistic about him.
> People who had an unrealistically idealistic view of their spouse actually
> stayed happier over the next three years than people who were the least
> idealistic. Murray says she and her colleagues weren't surprised to see this,
> even though it's counter to conventional wisdom, because they have years of
> research pointing in this direction.
> "People are very good at changing their definitions to match how they want to
> see themselves or how they want to see others," Murray says. "Someone can
> decide they're a good driver‹even if they've had speeding tickets‹if they've
> never been in an accident." In the same way, people might be able to decide
> that their spouse matches their ideal, even if it's not really true.
> ### 
> For more information about this study, please contact Sandra Murray at
> smurray at
> The APS journal Psychological Science is the highest ranked empirical journal
> in psychology. For a copy of the article ³Tempting Fate or Inviting
> Happiness?: Unrealistic Idealization Prevents the Decline of Marital
> Satisfaction² and access to other Psychological Science research findings,
> please contact Keri Chiodo at 202-293-9300 or kchiodo at
> -----------------------------------------------------
> - FREE SEMINAR MARCH 1, 7PM EST - How to Get Back Your Sexual Mojo and
> Reignite Intimacy
> On online workshop to help boomer and senior men and women revive intimacy
> after illnesses like prostate disease or breast cancer ­ includes: Why
> intimacy is the key to self-healing; The S-T-I-C-K Method of sensate focus for
> whole-body sex - a key strategy; 5  things you should never say when your
> spouse or partner cuts off intimacy; The most important thing you can say or
> do to reignite intimacy
>> Diane, I am hosting a FREE online seminar for couples dealing with prostate
>> disease, breast cancer, or other serious illness. It is presented by Rabbi
>> Dr. Ed Weinsberg, intimacy coach, cancer survivor & author of Conquer
>> Prostate Cancer: How Medicine, Faith, Love and Sex Can Renew Your Life. It
>> can be listened to FREE online or by phone.
>> Diana Daffner 
> Diane‹
>> I know there are many programs for divorcing parents (e.g., co-parenting).
>> But do you know of any that have a component designed to help the couple
>> consider reconciliation?
> Ron Deal 
> I suggest you start by listening to Bill Doherty & Don Gordon who are working
> on exactly this as they reported in their keynote at 2010 Smart Marriage: Hope
> for Couples on the Brink of Divorce
> <>
> Bill Doherty & Don Gordon  Session #750-004  
> And their workshop: Before the Falls: Divorce Reconciliation Project
> Session #: 750-417
> Presenter(s): Bill Doherty; Don Gordon
> Divert divorcing couples using an online program that teaches conflict
> resolution & 
> cooperation skills and engages attorneys and counselors who encourage and
> teach the steps to reconciliation.
> You can download the audio of these sessions at
> Or at 800-241-7785
> You could also contact the Divorce Program mavens, Karen Blaisure and Maggie
> Geasler who (at W Michigan U) produced the national Divorce Education reports
> and presented on this at the first few Smart Marriages Conferences.  They¹d
> know which state-mandated programs include reconciliation.  I¹ll copy this to
> them in case they¹re not on the listserv, though I¹m not sure these old email
> addresses work for them.  I¹ll also send this to the listserv so that those
> involved with state-mandated Divorce Education Programs (many in Cooperative
> Extension) can contact us about what they¹re using, and/or, send me up-to-date
> contact info for Karen and Maggie.
> You might also contact the Controlled Separation folks.  Controlled Separation
> is being used all over the world.
> Also, not sure where Stanley Posthumous is in delivery of his Focused Thinking
> mediation program.  Judge Jim Sheridan brought Posthumous in to train in
> Michigan.   
>  - diane
> -----------------------------------
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