Your 2012 TO DO List: Save Recordings, NARME Application, Make Resolutions / J- Months / Christmas Stories - 12/26/11

Mon Dec 26 14:02:16 EST 2011

- SAVE YOUR DOWNLOADED RECORDINGS BY DEC 31ST
- NARME CONFERENCE APPLICATIONS DUE JAN 9TH
- WHILE YOU¹RE MAKING LISTS: NEW YEAR¹S RESOLUTIONS FOR YOUR MARRIAGE
- FACTOIDS YOU CAN USE: J-MONTHS ARE HIGHEST DIVORCE FILING MONTH
- The Cratchit Tax Credit
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- SAVE YOUR DOWNLOADED RECORDINGS BY DEC 31ST

On December 31st PlayBackNow will be closing the current Smart Marriages
site to make way for a NEW and exciting PlaybackSmartMarriages site! Take
this opportunity to save your purchased download recordings, so that you may
continue to enjoy them. The NEW PlaybackSmartMarriages site will offer the
latest in technology for streaming, viewing, downloading and ordering of
your favorite conference recordings.
http://www.iplaybacksmartmarriages.com/
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- NARME CONFERENCE APPLICATIONS DUE JAN 9TH
As you make your 2012 TO DO List, be sure to note that NARME Conference
Application are due by Jan 9th.  While you¹re at it, block the conference
dates on your calendar: July 20  25, 2012, in Baltimore.  For applications
and info: 
http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory/311
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- WHILE YOU¹RE MAKING LISTS: NEW YEAR¹S RESOLUTIONS FOR YOUR MARRIAGE
I¹m going back on the Smart Marriages Archive for ideas.  New Year¹s
Resolutions for Your Marriage is a great concept to use with couples in your
classes, in your practice, or in your congregation.  Use this idea to begin
the conversation.  - diane

McCalls Magazine January 2001 (I was only able to print part of this article
 the first two suggestions, but they¹re good - worth repeating. - diane)
6 NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS TO TRANSFORM YOUR MARRIAGE
by Sherry Suib Cohen

    Every New Year, I resolve to streamline my body, be more spiritual, and
never again get crabby with those who do clever things with crab meat and
dried flowers.  Every year, my resolutions fail.   But this year things are
going to be different because I've learned something marvelous: experts say
that if my partner and I make resolutions together for the good of the
marriage, the odds are in favor of resolutions that last.

"Team work wins goals," notes Terry Hargrave, Ph.D., Professor of Marriage
and Family Therapy at West Texas A and M University, and author of The
Essential Humility Of Marriage.   "If a New Years resolution is as good for
him as it is for you---bet on success with the resolutions and a sweeter
marriage."

"You're creating a support system when you're both involved in making the
same resolutions work," adds Gilda Carle, Ph.D., professor of the psychology
of communication at New York's Mercy College and author of Don't Bet On The
Prince, (Golden Books, 1998).   "That's why God invented cheerleaders."

        Try these New Years' resolutions on for size:
1. RESOLVE NEVER AGAIN TO GO FOR THE JUGULAR

            Each of us has a vulnerable, exposed spot which hurts very
deeply when it's attacked.  Your partner's jugular is his weakest, most
easily wounded place---the worry that scares him the most, the memory that
mortifies him, the secret he tries to hide from everyone else (maybe it's
the fact that he's sometimes impotent, or he flunked out of college, or his
dad spent some time in jail).

Who knows the location of this sensitive spot better than anyone else in the
world? You do. During an argument, when you dig him with the remark that
hurts so intensely, he cringes with pain. You know you've got him.  It feels
like you've won.  But, you haven't.

    "When you go for the taunt that torments your partner the most,
you destroy the trust in your relationship," says Dr. Hargrave.  "The harsh
thing that comes out of your mouth in ten seconds of anger so weakens your
marriage, it can take six months-if ever-to build it up again."

 "Announce ringingly to your husband that he's disgustingly fat, or tell him
he's always been a lousy lover," adds Dr. Carle, "and you can never unring
that bell. You do irrevocable harm and you're going to end up in my office."

But, how do you change your habit of hitting each other where it hurts?
One way, says Dr. Hargrave, is to use the tool of visualization.  Think of
your partner as something fragile like a vase or a flower.  When you do
damage to that fragile thing, it cannot be repaired. Words damage.  Do you
really want to do permanent harm to your partner?  Also, try visualizing the
results of a violent verbal battle. You may get in a zinger or two but
chances are, your partner will get back at you with some powerful zingers of
his own.  Permanent damage all around.

    Another wonderful thing to do is set aside time for a serious
conversation on self-restraint, says psychologist Blaine Fowers, Ph.D.,
associate professor in the Counseling Psychology program at the University
of Miami, and author of Beyond The Myth Of Marital Happiness(Jossey-Bass,
2000). 

 "Talk about how hard it is to hold back on vicious assaults on each other.
Talk about how your mutual lack of self-restraint has made your marriage a
game of one-upmanship to get the best of each other. Then, ask your partner
if he feels he's really had a victory, when you've been wounded.  Ask
yourself the same thing.  The answer is always no."

Resolve you'll use self-restraint and when you're sorely tempted to go for
the jugular, don't.  Whenever each of you consciously avoids saying the
terrible thing to the other, mentally pat yourself on the back. By the end
of the week, you'll hug each other in delight when you realize how many
times you've stopped yourselves from being mean.  By the end of the month,
niceness will have become a habit.  So will hugging.

2. RESOLVE TO LIGHTEN YOUR GRAB-BAG OF IRRITANTS
What if you each resolved to get rid of one thing (only onehow hard can it
be?) that absolutely drives your partner bonkers?  You might throw out one
article of clothing he can't stand, or vow to forever stop nagging the nag
that most irritates him---his kids from a previous marriage, Sunday football
games, sloppiness.  Or, he might resolve to lose his habit of cursing or his
attitude about the nights when you go out with the girls, or he may even
resolve (if he's a real doll) to stop criticizing your mom.

"It's an act of generosity to give up doing something you love to do but
which your partner dislikes,"  says Dr. Fowers.   It says, 'I know I'm not
perfect and I'm always going to irritate you in certain ways, but I pledge
to you this New Years, that I won't annoy you any more, at least in this one
thing---simply because I love you.'

When you put your tongue on hold when it comes to your most cherished
nag-topic, when he gives his cherished lime tie (the one that makes you gag)
to Goodwill, you both do the relationship a tremendous good, adds Dr.
Carle..........

I cannot recommend highly enough the keynote by these two renowned marriage
experts.
In 2009, we were lucky to have them on the same keynote session:

Shared Goals, Blaine Fowers - Marriage begins with romantic love and sexual
chemistry, but a lifelong marriage demands more. Help couples learn to
discover the joy and power of Shared Goals and how Shared Goals can take
them beyond individual pursuits and foster deep Character Friendship  the
cornerstone to a vibrant and lasting marriage.

Boomers on the Edge, Terry Hargrave - Boomers face three challenges
exacerbated by the economic meltdown: caring for aging parents, adult
children moving home, and not having enough assets to retire. How do we
apply what we know to be able to help this stressed generation?

If you¹ve never heard this one, order on CD, DVD, or as a MP3 Download:
http://tinyurl.com/6qmk5pw

Find their books here: http://www.smartmarriages.com/app/Media.Booklist
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- New Year's Resolutions for Your Marriage  In 2010, sit down with your
spouse and outline the ways you can make your marriage stronger than ever!
(Another one from the Smart Marriages Archives.  There are lots more, just
search for resolutions here: http://tinyurl.com/79xvmu5)
 BY DR. MICHELLE GANNON

  When you think about resolutions, you can't get any better then
strengthening your marriage.

       An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A
pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. Bill Vaughan

It is the time of year when many of us make New Year's resolutions. The most
popular include things like losing weight or getting fit, getting the
finances in order, organizing our life, an effort to quit smoking and reduce
or stop drinking and even try to have more fun. I even read that
fifty-percent of Americans say their New Year's resolution is to spend more
time with family and friends.

But what about a New Year's resolutions specifically for your marriage?

Half of marriages end in divorce. Research has found that only half of those
who stay married actually carry the moniker of "happily married."  So, this
year, make a resolution to prioritize your marriage. Couples that invest in
their marriages have more satisfying, pleasurable interactions with each
other because great marriages do not just happen. It¹s time we all make some
New Year's resolutions together and focus on our relationships.

Step one is to sit down with your spouse, grab a pen and paper, a glass of
wine or cup of tea‹this exercise is supposed to be relaxed and enjoyable‹and
brainstorm together some New Year's resolutions for your marriage.

1. Start with the positives. What do you both like and appreciate about your
relationship? How can you enhance and highlight the positives?

Spending time alone together is essential for your relationship health.
Commit to a monthly or weekly date night. If you have children, brainstorm
about childcare. Besides hiring babysitters, you may be able to trade play
dates or sleepovers with family or friends. Do not be complacent. Make a
commitment or resolutions to have date nights in 2010. No more excuses!

If your romantic and passionate life used to be positive, but now has been
neglected, pay more attention. Research by Barry McCarthy has found that if
you are both happy enough with your sex life, it only accounts for 15
percent of marital satisfaction. However, if either of you is unhappy with
your sex life, it can account for 85 percent of marital satisfaction. Commit
to prioritizing your sex life. Set aside time for sex dates, read some fun
sex self-help books together and commit to being more affectionate and
passionate in 2010.

When you were first together as a dating couple, you likely had new, fun and
interesting experiences together. Commit to trying some new activities,
hobbies or outings together in the New Year.

2. Remove the barriers. What gets in the way of marital satisfaction?

How do you handle conflict? Remember that conflict is inevitable in a
marriage. Do not avoid conflict, but find productive ways to deal with
differences. Are either of you guilty of using criticism, contempt,
stonewalling or defensiveness? If so, how about a New Year's resolution to
eliminate these hostile interactions that are predictive of divorce?

Is work or technology interfering with prioritizing time together?  If
either of you has a hard time with the work/life balance or relies too
heavily on technology, social media, TV or video games, you might take a
look at this issue together. How about setting some mutual agreements?
Amazingly, 70 percent of families are now reporting using phones, computers
or watching TV during meal times together. How about a resolution to have
technology-free meals and technology-free evenings during your weeknights?

Do either of you feel taken for granted or unappreciated? Do you know how
your spouse prefers to be loved? Make a New Year's resolution to show your
spouse love in the way they want to be loved, rather than role model what
you want! 

3. Make deeper commitment to have the best relationship possible.

Consider reading some relationship books together or taking a marriage
seminar. There is a great, national directory at: Smart Marriages
<http://www.smartmarriages.com/app/Directory.BrowsePrograms>  or check out
the "Events" section on the Married Life Network.
<http://marriedlife.hitchedmag.com/>

Check in weekly or monthly with each other to see how you are doing with
your relationship goals. What kind of marriage do you want to have? Are you
being the people you want to be and having the relationship that you really
want?

Make your marriage a priority. I believe the most important gift that you
can give yourself and your children is the feeling of a healthy, loving
marriage.

Happy New Year's everyone!
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- FACTOIDS YOU CAN USE: J-MONTHS ARE HIGHEST DIVORCE FILING MONTH

Sharing this as background in case there is occasion for your expertise.
Either proactively, call a journalist with this factoid as talking point on
what you have to offer to stem the tide, OR to be be ready if you're called.
Whether it's January, June, or July is not the point, the point is that we
have
MANY solutions.   -diane

'Tis the divorce season
Divorce attorneys say January is one of the busiest months for filings
January 08, 2008
By CAROLYN RUSHEFSKY

STATEN ISLAND, N.Y. -- For many couples, New Year's Day inspires the need to
begin a new life -- by filing for divorce.

January, according to several divorce attorneys interviewed by the Advance,
is the highest divorce-filing month.

"It's the month for people who deferred things over the holidays -- either
because they don't want to spoil the family's celebrations, or because they
feel they will be able to work things out over the holidays," said divorce
attorney Jay S. Baum, based in New Dorp. . . .

. . . more divorces are expected to be filed on Jan. 7 there than on any
other day of the year.

However, according to DivorcesYourself.com, an Internet company based in
Olympia, Wash., January ranks second as the month when most divorces are
filed, while June is No. 1.

"In our experience, people seem to decide to act upon a decision to divorce
more frequently in June, after school lets out," said a spokesman for the
company. "We believe that many couples with children want to get through the
current school year before undertaking the major life changes associated
with divorce. Acting in June affords parents and children the summer months
to adjust to new life circumstances."

______________________________________
Christmas Stories 
- The Cratchit Tax Credit
Ross Douthat     
New York Times
Dec 24, 2011  

. . . Not every Tiny Tim has Bob Cratchit as his father and a reformed
Scrooge as his benefactor. Not every George Bailey realizes that he
shouldn¹t jump off the bridge when things look bleakest. And not every
unexpectedly expectant mother has a St. Joseph standing by her.

Millions of Americans know this all too well, because the darker
possibilities the Christmas stories hint at ‹ divorce, abandonment,
childhood suffering ‹ are realities they have to live with every day. But
that unhappy knowledge isn¹t evenly distributed. In 21st-century America,
the well-off and well-educated have the best odds of enjoying the domestic
stability that the Yuletide stories celebrate, while the very people who
most need resilient families ‹ the Cratchits and Baileys, the working poor
and the hard-pressed middle class ‹ are less and less likely to have them.
. . . And it¹s hard to imagine a policy debate that¹s better suited to the
season.            

http://tinyurl.com/cgeqace

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