Badges/ Disney Advice/ Young Men/ Parenting - 6/14/10

[Smartmarriages]

- BADGES
- GETTING DOWN WITH MICKEY AND MINNIE
- NEW STUDY: YOUNG MEN (18-23) AND RELATIONSHIP ANGST
- TO RAISE HAPPY KIDS, PUT YOUR MARRIAGE FIRST
- DOHERTY: SUPERKIDS & THEIR PARENTS: AROUND THE WORLD SOLO SAILOR


- BADGES   

All kinds of emails from people who 1) Are concerned that they haven¹t
received their conference badge in the mail.
Do not fret.  Badges should be in the mail by the end of this week.  2) Are
concerned that they haven¹t yet received approval on attending and are
afraid it¹s too late to register.  It is not.  You can still register online
until July 26th.  After that you can register at the conference.  All
sessions are still open, you¹ll get your first choices.  - diane

-----------------------------------------------
- GETTING DOWN WITH MICKEY AND MINNIE

Dear Diane:
 
Here are some Disney ideas for the conference attendees:
 
The Disney park-hopper tickets are a good way to go because you are able to
visit more than one park in a day instead of having to pay a full day ticket
for each park. For Florida residents, there are discounts, you just need
your license. It is a good idea to do this online beforehand because there
are usually lines for admission tickets, and this way you just present the
credit card you used to purchase the tickets and get the tickets at
will-call.
 
When you get in the park, it is a good idea to get a Fast Pass for the more
popular rides so you do not have to stand in line as long. All you do is go
to the ride location and request one.  There are limited numbers of these,
they are free, and once they are gone (early in the day) they are gone. You
are given a time certain for your ride.
 
Also, if you want to eat on Disney property and do not already have a
reservation, I would also suggest you do that fairly early. The restaurant
at Living Seas has always been one of my favorites (and a lot of other
people's too since it books up quickly!). The tables are around a large
(floor to ceiling, wall to wall) fish tank and you can see the divers going
in there with the fish. Very beautiful and calming.
 
I highly recommend visiting Downtown Disney, free. There are shops,
restaurants, movie theatres and outside activities around a lake. You can do
fun things like eat an ice cream cone sitting on a park bench looking at the
water. Cirque de Soleil is also there, great entertainment for adults and
children. 

Celebration is right around the corner, a planned community, that reminds me
of going back to the 50's and Mayberry RFD.
 
Don't forget Universal! Also nearby with it's free City Walk. Also has movie
theatres, restaurants, shops and night life around a lake. Hard Rock is
right across the lake.
 
Hope this helps.
 
Robin Siebold


------------------------------------


- NEW STUDY: YOUNG MEN (18-23) AND RELATIONSHIP ANGST

It appears that young males are hit hard by relationship ups/downs.

"These kids had working moms and their dads often depended on that salary,
so they're MORE LIKELY TO VIEW MARRIAGE AS A PARTNERSHIP."  . . .

Frame added that the findings support the idea that young people SHOULD BE
EDUCATED ABOUT HOW TO ESTABLISH AND MAINTAIN healthy romantic partnerships.
"These skills can be taught and practiced, and can go a long way in
preventing or mitigating the consequences of relationship strain on mental
health," she said.

To which we say, amen. - diane



Men May Be More Vulnerable to Roller Coaster Ride of Romance
Study found young males felt ups and downs of relationships more deeply than
young women
By Madonna BehenHealthDay Reporter
MSN.Com 

FRIDAY, June 11 (HealthDay News) -- Young men are often portrayed as
insensitive players with a "love 'em and leave 'em" attitude toward the
opposite sex, but a new study suggests that they are actually more
vulnerable to the emotional ups and downs of romantic relationships than
young women.

"The perception is that young men are unfeeling when it comes to
relationships, and that all they want is to have sex," said study author
Robin Simon, a professor of sociology at Wake Forest University in
Winston-Salem, N.C. "But these findings reveal that they are emotionally
involved, and that they actually benefit more from the good parts of the
relationship and are more harmed by the bad than women."

For the study, Simon and co-author Anne Barrett, an associate professor of
sociology at Florida State University in Tallahassee, analyzed survey data
on 1,611 men and women between the ages of 18 and 23 that had been
originally gathered for a long-term study of mental health and the
transition to adulthood. First, they looked at whether being in a
relationship or having a recent breakup had any effect on the young adults'
mental health, as well as whether there were any differences in men vs.
women. Then, they examined what effect partner strain and support in an
ongoing relationship had on the subjects' mental well-being, and whether
there were any gender differences there.

Not surprisingly, Simon and Barrett found that women were more likely than
men to experience depression when a relationship ended and benefited more
from being part of a couple. But when the researchers looked at the effects
of ongoing relationships on mental health, the tables were turned. Men
received greater emotional benefits than women from the positive aspects of
a romantic relationship, and they were also more likely than women to be
emotionally harmed by the stress of a rocky patch.

Simon said young men might be more vulnerable to the ups and downs of a
romance because in many cases it's their sole source of intimacy, whereas
"young women are more likely to have a variety of different types of close
relationships."

It's also possible, she said, that societal changes have led today's
generation of men to become more emotionally dependent on their girlfriends.
"The young men in our study came of age at a very different historical
time," said Simon. "These kids had working moms and their dads often
depended on that salary, so they're more likely to view marriage as a
partnership."

Another expert agreed with the notion that men may be more vulnerable
because they don't have as many close, supportive relationships as women.

"In our marriage education workshops, I often hear men remark that their
wives are their sole source of emotional support, and it is often the
husbands that express the most gratitude for the support and encouragement
of other husbands, and wives, in the group," said psychologist Laura E.
Frame, supervisor of the Supporting Healthy Marriage Program at Montefiore
Medical Center in New York City.

Frame added that the findings support the idea that young people should be
educated about how to establish and maintain healthy romantic partnerships.
"These skills can be taught and practiced, and can go a long way in
preventing or mitigating the consequences of relationship strain on mental
health," she said.

The findings were published in the June issue of the Journal of Health and
Social Behavior.

-------------------------------
- TO RAISE HAPPY KIDS, PUT YOUR MARRIAGE FIRST


We definitely shouldda had David Code as a presenter at this year's
conference.  Maybe one of you knows him and can convince him to just come
and do a book signing.  - diane


Are you using your kids to escape your marriage?
Boston Globe 
Lylah M. Alphonse, Globe Staff / Jun 14, 2010

It runs counter to our instincts as parents, but a new book suggests that
making your kids your top priority may be doing them more harm than good.

An Episcopal minister and family coach, David Code, suggests that parents
who focus first on maintaining a strong marriage end up having happier,
better-adjusted children than those who make their kids their top priority.

"The truth is, we often find it easier to be with our kids than our
partners," Code said in an interview. "This seems child-friendly, but we
don't realize we're using our kids as an escape from our spouses."

Code says that his new book, To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First,
was born out of frustration. "Couples asked me to save their marriage when
they already had one foot in the lawyer's office," he remembers. "Parents
wanted me to fix their kid's problem when it was obvious to me the child
couldn't help acting out because of the highly anxious household she was
living in." 

"I wrote this book as preventive medicine," he says. "This book is for
families who are doing fine, and want to stay that way."

Married for 14 years and the father of a 10-year-old boy and an 8-year-old
girl, Code says that the idea of a conflict-free marriage is a myth. "Most
couples believe that if they don't fight much, then they don't have
relationship problems," he said. But when partners don't address issues
directly, they end up avoiding the problems -- and each other. "We turn to
our electronic screens, work long hours, shuttle our kids, co-sleep with our
kids, or we make up excellent reasons why we never have sex anymore."

The avoidance leads to tension and anxiety, which in turn can cause all
sorts of problems for children. "You can't hide the tension in a marriage,
because kids pick up on everything." Code said. "Parents don't realize they
are off-loading their anxiety onto their kids, and then kids act-out or
develop [medical or emotional] symptoms."

The solution seems counterintuitive.

"To raise healthy kids, simply put your marriage first and your children
second," Code suggested. (To read my entire interview with Code, including
his tips on how to keep a good marriage from going bad, click here
<http://writeeditrepeat.blogspot.com/2010/06/putting-your-marriage-first-may
-be.html> .) 

"Here's the biggest myth of parenting: The more attention we give our kids,
the better they'll turn out," Code said. "Where are the results? Studies
show today's parents spend more time with their kids, and yet today's kids
don't seem happier, more independent or successful. They seem more troubled,
entitled and needy."

Unlike children and their demands, "Our marriages are important, but not
urgent. So we neglect to feed and water our marriages, which die so slowly
and quietly that we don't even realize our mistake until it's too late,"
Code explained. "But not only do we lose our marriages, we set a poor
example for our children's future marriages, and we also create
highly-anxious households where our kids soak up that anxiety and then act
out." 

Code is not saying that the needs of the spouse outweigh those of the child.
"I don't see it as either/or," he said. "I see it as setting priorities that
benefit everyone in the long run, even if they don't recognize it at
present."

By focusing on the marriage first and the children second, parents can also
avoid another pitfall: overparenting, a.k.a. "helicopter parenting."

"The definition of overparenting is doing for your child what your child
can, and should do, for herself," Code says. "We think this is
child-friendly, but that couldn't be further from the truth. We over-protect
and over-praise our little darlings until they believe they truly are the
center of the universe. They learn no skills in teamwork or cooperation, and
their future bosses and spouses won't be able to stand them."

Code admits to having done his share of helicopter parenting. "Before
[writing the book], I was not even aware of how much helicopter parenting I
was doing, or the damage it was doing to my kids," he says. "Today, I am
more self-aware. I still do plenty of helicoptering, but I catch myself
sooner and do less harm to my kids."

In most families today where the kids are the top priority, maintaining the
marriage is low on the list. But even small changes -- talking about both
the highlights and the "lowlights" of your day, going for a walk together
(baby monitor in hand, if necessary) after the kids are in bed instead of
watching TV, and reinforcing your bond with your partner through intimacy --
can make a big difference in the long run.

"It's not about going from chaos to perfection," Code says. "It's about just
five percent improvement. Over a lifetime, that five percent improvement
could make the difference between your child graduating from college,
getting divorced, or raising a child with mental illness."

Lylah M. Alphonse is a Globe staff member and mom and stepmom to five kids.
She writes about juggling career and parenthood at The 36-Hour Day and blogs
at Write. Edit. Repeat.  E-mail her at lalphonse at globe.com and follow her on
Twitter @WriteEditRepeat. You can read her entire Q&A with David Code here.

-------------------------------------
- DOHERTY: SUPERKIDS & THEIR PARENTS: AROUND THE WORLD SOLO SAILOR

We will have Bill Doherty in Orlando - and you have four chances to study
with him.  

 Abby Sunderland Sails Around The World:  Superkids And Their Parents
 A super child¹s competitive dream is like kryptonite to American parents
 June 13, 2010 
Bill Doherty 

Even before the rescue of Abby Sunderland, the 16 year old round the world
sailor, national criticism of her parents' judgment was becoming intense.
Blog http://tinyurl.com/2d76ze8


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