Mentor Programs Expanding / Mars-Venus Tune-Up /Valentine's Day & Remarriage Tune-Ups - 2/4/10

Smartmarriages smartmarriages at lists101.his.com
Thu Feb 4 11:32:06 EST 2010


- THE GOOD NEWS: MENTOR-BASED PROGRAMS EXPANDING
- YOUR MARRIAGE CAN ONLY BE AS GOOD AS YOU FEEL
- SCOTT HALTZMAN ON A VALENTINE'S DAY TUNE-UP
- RON DEAL ON A REMARRIAGE CHECK-UP/TUNE UP

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- THE GOOD NEWS: MENTOR-BASED PROGRAMS EXPANDING

It's great news in these challenging economic/funding times, the
highly-affordable, highly effective mentor-based programs are growing
exponentially ­ as in "all over the place".  As I've always been, I'm
convinced the TOOB/lay-educator-taught programs and a do it ourselves
approach at the grass-roots community level are/is the THE ANSWER to what
ails us. 

I just talked to Rob Ruhnke who is brimming with optimism and enthusiasm
about what he finds in the field. He reports that more and more
churches/dioceses here and in Canada are recognizing the VALUE of using
MENTOR-BASED, lay-educator instruction for both marriage preparation AND
follow-up. Follow-up - helping couples in the first challenging years after
the wedding, the "AW" years......is key and critical.  As evidence of the
expansion, For Better and For Ever is adding French and Vietnamese editions
in 2010.  Anyone else with new language versions to add? I'm going to have
to add new categories to the Directory of Programs where we already have
Spanish, Korean, Russian, Chinese.  Rob Ruhnke will present and Exhibit in
Orlando as will a whole slew of TOOB
(teach-right-out-of-the-box/no-training-needed) programs.   Check out For
Better and For Ever:  http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory/67

And check the list of TOOB programs.
http://www.smartmarriages.com/toobs.html
 If your workshop should be listed on the TOOB page and I missed it, LET ME
KNOW.  - DIANE 

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- YOUR MARRIAGE CAN ONLY BE AS GOOD AS YOU FEEL

The John Gray special: Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice: The Key to Life, Love &
Energy will appear on these stations.  Check your local PBS listings or
check for updates here: http://home.marsvenus.com/  and get the keys to a
do-it-yourselves tune-up.

Feb 7 @ 7pm WPBA-Atlanta
Feb 8 @ 8pm: NJN2-New Jersey/New York
Feb 16: CPTV Connecticut Station Visit - LIVE ON AIR.
Feb 17: WLRN Miami 
Mar 6 @ 2pm: MPTV-Milwaukee
Mar 9 @ 8pm: WNED-Buffalo/Toronto
Apr 5: WLIW New York EXCLUSIVE EVENT - LIVE IN PERSON


Of course, we'll have him LIVE and IN-PERSON in Orlando where he'll present
his latest work Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice: The Key to Life, Love & Energy
on Saturday Night and a 90 minute workshop Sat afternoon on Grief and Loss.
Both included in the General Conference Registration. - diane

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- SCOTT HALTZMAN ON A VALENTINE'S DAY TUNE-UP

London Free Press
Feb 3, 2010 
Lost that lovin' feeling?
There's hope you can bring it on back and learn to love your partner again
By JOANNE RICHARD, QMI Agency

> ³Think of choosing your partner as finding the best dish you¹ve ever tasted in
> the best restaurant you¹ve ever found, and deciding that you would have that
> same dish every day for the rest of your life. You¹d get bored!
> 
> ³The gastronomic solution is to change dishes, and for couples who choose to
> leave marriage, the option they choose is to change spouses,² says Haltzman.
> ³But for people who choose commitment, they have to learn to spice up their
> marriage with different activities and interests.² It¹s worth the effort.


Your marriage is a mess?

Don¹t despair. ³Research shows us we can learn to love our partners again
after we think we¹ve fallen out of love. And that couples that stick it out
end up being happy in the long run,² says Dr. Scott Haltzman, clinical
assistant professor at Brown University department of Psychiatry and Human
Behavior.

But you have to put the work in. Sticking it out can be tough ­- especially
when there¹s often a lack of relationship skills to boost staying power.

And it doesn¹t help that ³marriage is injected with the hopes and
aspirations promoted by Hollywood, and expectations are so high as to what
marriage will bring - or what it will not bring, like arguments.²

He adds that people often view their marriages as failing when, in all
probability, they are quite normal. ³I mean, ŒLove is never having to say
I¹m sorry¹.² Give me a break! I must say it once a week -- on a good week.²

There¹s hope for marriage. ³There¹s still as strong core of people who want
to be married, and many very happy and healthy marriages.²

So take hope, adds Haltzman, author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men:
Eight Ways to Win Your Wife¹s Heart Forever, as well as The Secrets of
Happily Married Women: How to get more out of your relationship by doing
less.
 
If your relationship is taking a beating, maybe your expectations are too
high. ³People expect their partner to make them happy, but don¹t do what¹s
needed to nurture their relationships themselves.²

Societal mobility and lack of support systems take their toll on marriages,
as well as economics put another big stress on the relationship. ³Many
couples are eager to live lives with lots of goodies - from flat-screen TVs
to new cars. But these things cost money, and the efforts to keep
financially solvent requires a lot of time outside the home.²

And while pursing these goodies, there are consequences, including less time
together because of long work hours, and ³there¹s no energy left at the end
of the day for the relationship.²

You have to make your marriage a priority to make it work. According to
Haltzman, the biggest relationship killer of all is resentment. ³We have
internal agendas of what we think we need in marriage, and when our partner
fails to meet our needs, we often assume that is intentional on their part.²

Phooey! It¹s highly likely that it is not their prime directive to make you
miserable. ³When resentment builds up, it turns to anger and love fades
rapidly, replaced with contempt and pain,² says Haltzman.

He adds that the greatest gift you can give a partner is the gift of
listening without judgment.

Tips to make your relationship work - Need a relationship rescue? Well, here
are five essential ingredients for making it work:

Empathy: the ability to see things through your partner¹s perspective. ³So
many arguments start from hurt feelings, and the belief that your partner¹s
actions were intended, either by ignorance or by intent, to harm you,² says
relationship expert Dr. Scott Haltzman. ³But if you stop for a moment and
try to see how they might see things, and what motivated them to do the
things they do, they you¹d feel less contemptuous, and more understanding.²

Listening: ³Most people listen long enough to hear what they think is what
their partner wants to say, and then jump in with an answer. That¹s not
listening! That¹s debating,² says Haltzman, of DrScott.com.

When there¹s disagreement or conflict, ³talking² is less about sharing
ideas, he says, as it is being able to feel heard about whatever problem may
be interfering with the happiness of the person who is speaking. ³Men in
particular in inclined to want to jump in and fix the problem... But real
listening doesn¹t require an answer; it requires acknowledgment and the
ability to make the person feel heard.²

Putting your partner first: ³When we dated all we could think about was the
things that we could do to make our partner happy,² says Haltzman, adding
that seeing him or her happy brought us joy. ³That shouldn¹t change when you
get married. Putting your partner¹s needs first can bring both of you
happiness.² 

Excitement: Studies show us that we bond better when we share new and
exciting experiences, says Haltzman. Doing the same ol¹ same ol¹ generates
boredom in marriages, and lowers feeling of love.

³Think of choosing your partner as finding the best dish you¹ve ever tasted
in the best restaurant you¹ve ever found, and deciding that you would have
that same dish every day for the rest of your life. You¹d get bored!

³The gastronomic solution is to change dishes, and for couples who choose to
leave marriage, the option they choose is to change spouses,² says Haltzman.
³But for people who choose commitment, they have to learn to spice up their
marriage with different activities and interests.² It¹s worth the effort.

Patience: You¹re both gonna mess up! ³Marriage requires a life change for
newlywed couples, but that change doesn¹t come all at once. Even along the
way, one or another partner will make a mistake. Don¹t expect change to come
over night,² adds Haltzman, author of The Secrets of Happy Families: Eight
keys to building a lifetime of connection and contentment.
 
Inexpensive Valentine's Day ideas

Build a great love connection with these low-cost, high-love Valentine Day
ideas from Dr. Scott Haltzman, author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men:
Eight Ways to Win Your Wife¹s Heart Forever.

Sex.

A candle light dinner at home.

Make a card for the occasion.

Go visit the place that you first met each other ­ ³unless, like me, it was
in a resort in a foreign country!²

Get out some scented oils, light candles, and give each other foot rubs or
back rubs.

Run a bubble bath for her, and take the kids out for a couple hours.

SCOTT HALTZMAN will present three times in Orlando - his ever-popular, top
rated Secrets of Happily Married Women #503 and How to Win Your Wife's Heart
Forever #803, plus this year he'll do the Singles Only seminar opening night
and with Secrets of a Great Relationship.  - diane

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- RON DEAL ON A REMARRIAGE CHECK-UP/TUNE UP

The Power in Choosing Love
by Jennie Treadway-Miller
Feb, 2010, Amarillo Magazine
 
Let¹s say a divorced woman with children marries a divorced guy. He has the
best intentions when it comes to her children, but the kids come to her
complaining about how he disciplines them. She approaches her husband and
asks him to deal with them another way. She feels guilty, he feels like an
outsider, and the newly made stepfamily begins a slow ruin.
 
It¹s a common equation these days, families being rearranged and reshaped,
and usually all orchestrated out of love. However, the statistical truth is
that the divorce rate among remarriages is 10 to 15 percent higher than that
of a first-time marriage.
³It¹s clear that people remarry because they¹ve fallen in love with someone,
but they divorce because they cannot deal with the complexities of the
stepfamily,² says Ron L. Deal, founder of Successful Stepfamilies and author
of several booksŠ 

. . . When offering advice on how to form a healthy, lasting stepfamily, Ron
often uses this analogy:

³How do you cook a stepfamily? Not with a blender because someone always
gets creamed. Instead, you cook a family with a Crockpot. It¹s a slow
process, taking years to create integration and a family identity,² he says.

Read full article here http://www.amarillomagonline.com/article/112

Order the Remarriage CheckUp now and get it signed in Orlando. Order
>From $14.95 here: http://www.smartmarriages.com/app/Media.Booklist

And note that we've got a full Stepfamily Track in Orlando and that Ron Deal
will present twice:

203 - Friday, July 9, 2010
The Couple Checkup
Peter Larson, PhD, Ron Deal, MMFT
Add this research-based online assessment to
improve premarital (dating, engaged, cohabiting),
married, or remarried programs. Free Discussion
Guides, Leader¹s Guide & Group Reports.


509 - Saturday, July 10, 2010
Successful Stepfamilies <http://www.successfulstepfamilies.com/view/632>  ­
TOOB
Ron Deal, MMFT
This 8-sesssion, DVD & faith based program
teaches specific skills to target stepfamily
challenges identified in research for The
Remarriage Checkup.
 
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