Letterman - Black Friday / Fatherhood Grants / Israel Marriage Education /Teleclass

[Smartmarriages]

- BLACK FRIDAY: LETTERMAN'S INFIDELITIES
- TWENTY-FIVE $25K FATHERHOOD CAPACITY BUILDING GRANTS
- ISRAEL: MARRIAGE EDUCATION
- FREE TELECLASS

 "Breakthroughs on Communication"
 Mon, Oct 5th 2pm EST. Reserve Here:
http://www.smallshiftsbigchanges.com/

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- BLACK FRIDAY: LETTERMAN'S INFIDELITIES

> Dear Diane,
> 
> The public reaction to the latest admission of extramarital affairs - this
> time by David Letterman - may signify a new level of acceptance (or even
> approval) of affairs. Up until now, there has been a generally critical
> reaction from the public to the exposure of an affair. But this time -
> after Dave used his show to turn this admission into a 'funny story' - the
> audience laughed throughout and actually applauded several times!
> 
> As you know, it was 20 years ago that I wrote The Monogamy Myth where I
> began trying to draw attention to the 'societal factors' that contribute to
> affairs. The laughter and applause by his audience is a clear example of
> one of the many ways in which we can undermine the value of monogamy. While
> Dave's audience may not be 'typical' of the general public, whenever any
> new behavior begins in one arena, it's likely to spread to others.
> 
> To watch the 10-minute YouTube video, see:  http://tinyurl.com/y8fgxbd
> 
> Peggy Vaughan
> peggy at dearpeggy.com

This was last night and it's all over the news this morning. Peggy pegs it -
it's the changing of the social consciousness (or conscience) -- normalizing
this behavior and lowering our expectations of monogamy -- that does the
damage.  Or as Scott Stanley, commitment researcher, might put it, there
goes another External Constraint as the social stigma against infidelity is
further undermined -- as infidelity is turned into one big joke, as
something so cool. Boys being boys.  Employers with power, being employers
with power. 

Letterman effectively reduces the moral question to, *What's worse blackmail
or infidelity?*  Turns the blackmailer into the moron while he casts himself
as the protector of the reputations of his prey - of the women who worked
for him.  Amazing. Bet his wife isn't laughing. Wonder if Harry (his son)
will get the message.  Daddy my hero: the cool, funny guy and the protector
of women. 

There are already 337 comments.  Worth reading and adding your 2¢.  As one
guy says, the moron should have just written the screenplay and skipped the
blackmail.  

Now the moron is arrested, Letterman is seen as cool, and we're -- all of us
-- diminished by these notches in his belt.

Sorry to take this so hard.  - diane

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- TWENTY-FIVE $25K FATHERHOOD CAPACITY BUILDING GRANTS

Are there organizations in your state/district/network that need help
serving fathers? 

Let the National Responsible Fatherhood Capacity Building Initiative help!

With support from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services' Office
of Family Assistance, National Fatherhood Initiative announces the
availability of 25 awards, each in the amount of $25,000, for local
community-based organizations, faith-based organizations, and other
grassroots agencies.

The awards are designed to help organizations develop their fatherhood
programming and to improve their financial sustainability by becoming more
familiar with - and better qualified to receive - federal or private
philanthropic support.

Interested parties can visit www.fatherhood.org/grant to get more
information and to apply online.

Vincent DiCaro
National Fatherhood Initiative
Phone: 240-912-1270
Website: www.fatherhood.org/grant
Email: vdicaro at fatherhood.org

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- ISRAEL: MARRIAGE EDUCATION

Diane,
I thought you might like to see how a couple of Smart Marriages attendees
have taken conference resources and gone international.  David Olson
connected with these two at the Denver Smart Marriages Conference and now
look at them go!  
Matt Turvey 

Wow, I love this nice long, informative article.  Wish we could more like
this in U.S. Papers - articles that really spell it all out.  - diane

When Ignorance Isn't Bliss
The Jerusalem Post
Sept 26, 2009 

People take lessons to learn to drive, to fly a plane or to sail a boat.
However, when it comes to marriage, there is virtually no preparation at
all, and couples are thrust into the turbulent waters of wedlock to either
sink or swim. 

In Israel, Sherrie Miller and Lori Lurie are attempting to change that
situation. 

As the co-founders of Choice of the Heart (Bechirat Halev), a marriage
education program for newlyweds and "nearlyweds," the two women are striving
to equip couples with the tools to launch them into a loving and lasting
relationship. 

Based on the Prepare/Enrich mentoring program developed in the US after 30
years of research by social scientist David Olson, Choice of the Heart
(www.choiceoftheheart.org) is a series of workshops dedicated to empowering
married and engaged couples to learn to communicate and understand each
other. In fact, communication is just one of the nine topics covered in the
workshops. The others are conflict resolution; role relationship; managing
finances; spirituality; intimacy/sexuality; importance of the family origin;
parenting; and personal and family goals.

Because the program encompasses such universal themes, the workshops are
applicable to both religious and secular participants. What's more, Miller
and Lurie have added relevant material from the Torah and other Judaic
sources to further enrich the content of their seminars and make them even
more appropriate for Israeli couples.

"Prepare/Enrich is one of the top three programs of its kind in the world
and has been translated into 20 languages," says Lurie, a family therapist
and marriage educational counselor. "David Olson has given us his permission
to represent him in Israel, to translate his book into Hebrew and to add the
Torah wisdom," she adds.

The women have been in touch with many rabbis in Israel who have endorsed
marriage education as an essential tool for a successful marriage. Rabbis
understand that there is a real problem, says Lurie. The divorce rate is
very high. "Religious couples are trained in Halacha, but they need to know
how to communicate, which is the key to intimacy," she asserts. "In the
religious world, men and women are separated from early on. In our
workshops, they are all together."

As for haried couples, the Miller and Lurie team can work with them one on
one. 

"We get very excited about the program. It is tried, tested and based on
comprehensive research," says Lurie.

The six two-hour workshops are run in small groups. Ideally, the groups are
homogeneous - all married or all engaged couples - but the material is
equally effective in a combined session, says Lurie. "The key is to
encourage couples to learn together as couples," she stresses.

"For a lot of newlyweds or nearlyweds, it is the first time they find
themselves in a safe environment in which to talk about issues they've never
discussed," says Miller, a guidance and marriage counselor.

In the workshop, the pairs are given a set of questions. Each pair goes off
on their own for half an hour to work on the exercise together. Then they
regroup and have the option to share what they found out about themselves
and each other. In that way, they gain insight into their similarities and
differences, as well as their strengths and growth areas, says Lurie. In the
group, it is a comfort to discover that they are not alone in facing their
problems - although overly personal issues are off limits in this setting.
The program is a prevention program for marital problems; therefore, if
serious issues are raised, the group leaders ask the couple to speak with
them after the session and they recommend a therapist.

After each workshop the couples in the group are given homework, which they
work on together before the next session.

"We want to get them at the stage before they begin to form bad habits,"
says Miller. "We want them to get a handle on what they're bringing into the
marriage and what they want to get out of it."

While Choice of the Heart is a not-for-profit organization, the couples pay
a fee to take the course. "We give them the tools for a strong and
long-lasting marriage on a silver platter," says Lurie. "We encourage them
to invest in the relationship and see it as a future. We want people to take
marriage seriously and have the tools to work through it."

This may have a ripple effect on the single world, Miller and Lurie believe.
"The singles see their friends in unhappy marriages," says Miller, who is
also a counselor for singles. "They feel threatened and are afraid to commit
to anyone, as the odds of success are so low. This is a contributing factor
to why there is such a large single population."

Miller and Lurie looked into many other programs before they made their
heartfelt choice. "The program is the most adaptable to this society and the
most flexible for what we want to add," says Lurie. "Couples find it clear,
implementable, and full of fun and humor."

In the workshops, for example, they use tools such as DVDs to help couples
understand how different men and women are. "They laugh a lot, and that
helps to break the ice," says Lurie. "They get into it, and they want more."

Often, a woman will have to drag her partner to the seminar, the two leaders
recount. He'll sit there with his arms crossed and be rather resistant to
the process. "But when he does an exercise," says Miller, "he comes alive;
he gets into it." 

Overall, they receive a lot of positive feedback from men, who say, "I'll
tell my friends. It's helping me."

The man gets as much out of the course as his partner does, says Lurie, and
he becomes an advocate for the program.

At one time, sexuality was the biggest issue a couple grappled with. Now the
most prevalent problem is financial. "We teach them how to manage their
finances," says Lurie. "It need not destroy a relationship. They can
actually turn it into a strength." She cites the example of an engaged pair,
each of whom was encountering financial difficulties. When they came back to
the seminar as a married couple, the "I" had become "we" - as in "How we can
cope with our financial situation."

But little things can undermine a relationship as well if you don't know how
to deal with them. To quote one of their mottos, "People don't prepare to
fail; they fail to prepare."

The team cites the case of a husband who didn't like the way his wife washed
the dishes, and he was always checking to see if they were clean enough.
When it was suggested to him at the seminar that he could wash the dishes,
he said he didn't feel it was his role. Then Miller and Lurie encouraged the
couple to talk about things, and they ultimately resolved the issue
themselves. 

"Happiness is not about absence of conflict but the way we cope with it,"
say the team leaders.

A paradox that fits the paradigm is that the very thing that attracted one
to another at first can become a nagging issue in the marriage. In the realm
of "opposites attract," a man who is rigid and fastidious may be drawn to a
woman who is laid back and easy-going. In the marriage, it becomes a problem
when it is evident that he is very neat and she is sloppy. "They need to
find a balance, a middle ground," says Lurie. To do that, the exercises in
the workshop that focus on communication and conflict resolution are
crucial. 

"My dream," says Lurie, "is to make this program compulsory as a standard
pre-marital and early marriage course." In that vein, they are participating
in a one-day conference at the Israel Center on November 16, where they and
other guest speakers will discuss a relevant range of topics, in English,
from 5 p.m. to 9 p.m.

Miller and Lurie are also training mental health professionals so they can
go out and start groups of their own. At present, Miller and Lurie offer
their program three times a year in Hebrew and English in various locales in
and around Jerusalem.

##################################

- FREE TELECLASS

 "Breakthroughs on Communication"
 Mon, Oct 5th 2pm EST. Reserve Here:
http://www.smallshiftsbigchanges.com/

###########################

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