Married Fatherhood - 11/3/09

Tue Nov 3 11:52:20 EST 2009

Please see link to comments section at bottom.  - diane

Fathers Gain Respect From Experts (and Mothers)
By LAURIE TARKAN
The New York Times
Nov 3, 2009

We have to pause and give thanks for journalists like Laurie Tarkan.  Where
would we be without this kind of reporting - the analytical, comprehensive
presentation of the research, the classes, the societal message?  This is
the problem, great research sits in the labs - the need is to get it to the
public.....which was exactly why I started Smart Marriages - to get the new
research about how to have smart marriages out of the research labs to the
people.  We should all write Tarkan and thank her.

We also have to give great thanks to the researchers - people like the
Cowans and Pruets, and McLanahan - for their invaluable, careful,
decades-long work that supports the importance of Married Fatherhood and the
crucial importance of healthy, cooperative, skillful marriages.

We've long realized how important fathers are to the well-being of
children, but as Roland Warren, president of the National Fatherhood
Initiative puts it, fatherhood is about location, location, location -- and
nothing secures a fathers location and presence in his children's lives like
a long-term, successful marriage.

This one gives us rowing energy - something to row about.

- diane 

> “In the last 20 years, everyone’s been talking about how important it is for
> fathers to be involved,” said Sara S. McLanahan, a professor of sociology and
> public affairs at Princeton. “But now the idea is that the better the couple
> gets along, the better it is for the child.”
> 
> Her research, part of a project based at Princeton and called the Fragile
> Families and Child Wellbeing Study, found that when couples scored high on
> positive relationship traits like willingness to compromise, expressing
> affection or love for their partner, encouraging or helping partners to do
> things that were important to them, and having an absence of insults and
> criticism, the father was significantly more likely to be engaged with his
> children.

> . . . . In recent years, several fathers’ rights organizations have offered
> father-only parenting programs and groups, and studies have shown that these
> help men become more responsive and engaged with their children.
> 
> But a new randomized, controlled study conducted by the Pruetts and the Cowans
> found that the families did even better if mothers were brought into the
> picture.
> 
> In the study, low-income couples were randomly placed into a father-mother
> group, a father-only group and a control group of couples. The controls were
> given one information session; the other two groups met for 16 weeks at family
> resource centers in California, discussing various parental issues.
> 
> . . . . notably, the families in the couples group did best. They had less
> parental stress and more marital happiness than the other parents studied,
> suggesting that the critical difference was not greater involvement by the
> fathers in child-rearing but greater emotional support between couples.

Fathers Gain Respect From Experts (and Mothers)
By LAURIE TARKAN

It used to irk Melissa Calapini when her 3-year-old daughter, Haley, hung
around her father while he fixed his cars. Ms. Calapini thought there were
more enriching things the little girl could be doing with her time.

But since the couple attended a parenting course  to save their
relationship, which had become overwhelmed by arguments about rearing their
children  Ms. Calapini has had a change of heart. Now she encourages the
father-daughter car talk.

“Daddy’s bonding time with his girls is working on cars,” said Ms. Calapini,
of Olivehurst, Calif. “He has his own way of communicating with them, and
that’s O.K.” 

As much as mothers want their partners to be involved with their children,
experts say they often unintentionally discourage men from doing so. Because
mothering is their realm, some women micromanage fathers and expect them to
do things their way, said Marsha Kline Pruett, a professor at the Smith
College  School for Social Work at Smith College and a co-author of the new
book “Partnership Parenting,” with her husband, the child psychiatrist Dr.
Kyle Pruett (Da Capo Press).

Yet a mother’s support of the father turns out to be a critical factor in
his involvement with their children, experts say  even when a couple is
divorced. 

“In the last 20 years, everyone’s been talking about how important it is for
fathers to be involved,” said Sara S. McLanahan, a professor of sociology
and public affairs at Princeton. “But now the idea is that the better the
couple gets along, the better it is for the child.”

Her research, part of a project based at Princeton and called the Fragile
Families and Child Wellbeing Study, FOUND THAT WHEN COUPLES
SCORED HIGH on positive relationship traits like willingness to compromise,
expressing affection or love for their partner, encouraging or helping
partners to do things that were important to them, and having an absence of
insults and criticism, THE FATHER WAS SIGNIFICANTLY MORE LIKELY
TO BE ENGAGED WITH HIS CHILDREN.

Uninvolved fathers have long been accused of lacking motivation. But
research shows that many societal obstacles conspire against them. Even as
more fathers are changing diapers, dropping the children off at school and
coaching soccer, they are often pushed aside in ways large and small.

“The walls in family resource centers are pink, there are women’s magazines
in the waiting room, the mother’s name is on the files, and the home visitor
asks for the mother if the father answers the door,” said Philip A. Cowan,
an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of California,
Berkeley, who along with his wife, Carolyn Pape Cowan, has conducted decades
of research on families. “It’s like fathers are not there.”

In recent years, SEVERAL FATHERS' RIGHTS ORGANIZATIONS HAVE OFFERED
FATHER-ONLY PARENTING PROGRAMS AND GROUPS, and studies have shown that these
help men become more responsive and engaged with their children.

BUT A NEW RANDOMIZED, CONTROLLED STUDY CONDUCTED BY THE
PRUETS AND THE COWANS FOUND THAT THE FAMILIES DID EVEN
BETTER IF MOTHERS WERE BROUGHT INTO THE PICTURE.

In the study, low-income couples were randomly placed into a father-mother
group, a father-only group and a control group of couples. The controls were
given one information session; the other two groups met for 16 weeks at
family resource centers in California, discussing various parental issues.

In both of those groups, the researchers found, the fathers not only spent
more time with their children than the controls did but were also more
active in the daily tasks of child-rearing. They became more emotionally
involved with their children, and the children were much less aggressive,
hyperactive, depressed or socially withdrawn than children of fathers in the
control group. 

But NOTABLY, THE FAMILIES IN THE COUPLES GROUP DID BEST. They had less
parental stress and more marital happiness than the other parents studied,
suggesting that the critical difference was not greater involvement by the
fathers in child-rearing but greater emotional support between couples.

“The study emphasizes the importance of couples’ figuring parenting out
together and accepting the different ways of parenting,” Dr. Kline Pruett
said. 

Fathers tend to do things differently, Dr. Kyle Pruett said, but not in ways
that are worse for the children. Fathers do not mother, they father.

Dr. Kyle Pruett added: “Dads tend to discipline differently, use humor more
and use play differently. Fathers want to show kids what’s going on outside
their mother’s arms, to get their kids ready for the outside world.” To that
end, he said, they tend to encourage risk-taking and problem-solving.

The study was financed by the California Office of Child Abuse Prevention,
which is looking for ways to involve fathers more at the state’s many family
resource centers. Experts say improving the way fathers are treated in many
settings, public and private, is an important public health goal.

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For example, they say, pictures of families on the walls of clinics and
public agencies should have fathers in them. All correspondence should be
addressed to both mother and father. Staff members should be welcoming to
men. Steps like these promote early and lasting involvement by fathers.

“We want people to think about how positive father engagement in this
co-parenting model would work in their foster care agency, local health
clinic, pediatric office, adoption agency or school,” Dr. Kyle Pruett said.
“That’s where an awful lot of the barriers are.”

At home, the experts recommend that couples keep talking about parenting
issues and do their best to appreciate each other’s strengths. A recurring
argument among couples is that each partner thinks he or she knows what is
right; a mother may accuse the father of allowing too much television, while
a father may tell a mother she isn’t strict enough with discipline.

“Instead, they should be saying, ‘How can each of us be the kind of parent
that we are?’ ” Dr. Philip Cowan said. “I don’t think it’s abuse for a dad
to sit with that little kid watching TV.”

These experts agree that parents should not focus solely on the children.

“Parents work all day, and feel as if they need to give every other minute
to the kids,” Dr. Cowan said, “but if they don’t take care of the
relationship between them, they’re not taking care of the whole story.”

For the full article with embedded links to the research and photos:
http://tinyurl.com/y8kvtml

And, please go here and leave a comment. http://tinyurl.com/yhjqbzo

 I just did. Not sure mine will "be approved" since I made it from Smart
Marriages (the Times might not like that - advertising?)  There are already
20 comments.   - diane