Modern Dating / Jealousy / Consumer Marriage Research / RE and Lived Christianity Call - 5/4/09

Smartmarriages smartmarriages at lists101.his.com
Mon May 4 16:47:35 EDT 2009


 - MODERN DATING: TECH DILEMMAS
- CAN SHE FORGIVE? 
- MARRIAGE RESEARCH
- RELATIONSHIP EDUCATION (RE) AND LIVED CHRISTIANITY: FREE CALL

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 - MODERN DATING: TECH DILEMMAS

A must-read to help all us keep up with today's couples and the new dilemmas
brought on by the new technologies (not online porn or ex-highschool
romances reconnecting on Facebook - see below.) THIS article explores
romances that won't work because of incompatible communication modalities.
We know it's about communication, so this makes sense - at least a little
bit.  Like one potential partner who will only text and the other wants to
actually have phone conversations (terminology: *phoners*). Or, worse - one
who won't even carry a cell phone.  Or one still using My Space - hasn't
made the switch to Facebook and is clueless as to why that's a deal breaker.
Oy.  This might cut down on May/December relationships?!

Also interesting research on how personality predicts tech preferences.

In any case, read this one to understand why we need to *get with it* and
keep updating our service-delivery modalities.  Can't change the world if we
don't even reach it.   - d

> Either Houston is the shallowest man in the world or he intuitively gets the
> essential truth of relationships: We all want partners who understand us. We
> want people who appreciate not only what we say BUT HOW we say it. Facebook
> and MySpace, after all, would seem interchangeable only to people who had
> never used either one.
> 
> Someone who builds ideas like pyramids over the course of 10-paragraph e-mails
> may not have the same appreciation for the skill required to send a saucy,
> 23-character text message. Someone who excels at such brevity may not
> understand the point of long, meandering phone conversations or of IM
> exchanges where people type over each other rather than waiting for a
> response.
> 
> At Claremont Graduate University in California, researchers are beginning to
> examine how people's personality traits influence their preferred types of
> digital communication. The study, conducted by David Dunaetz, has thus far
> surveyed some 300 participants nationwide.
> 
> As expected, extroverts went for "richer" forms of communication like phone or
> instant messaging, which provide the immediate back and forth that
> psychologists dub "synchronicity." So did amiable people, and those who were
> adventurous. Introverts and the easily stressed preferred e-mail -- the lowest
> on the richness scale -- because it lets them control what they say and when
> they say it. So did the cautious. E-mail "slows communication down by a factor
> of five," Dunaetz says. "What you can learn in one day face to face will take
> five days via e-mail."
> 
> That just might explain why extroverted, adventurous phoners get so offended
> by texters. When you meet someone you like, shouldn't you want to speed up,
> not slow down?
> 
Full article here: 
http://tinyurl.com/cgfseq

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- CAN SHE FORGIVE? 

This one illustrates anoother kind of tech-induced dilemma -
€My husband had an ex-girlfriend contact him via FACEBOOK this past
Valentine's Day Weekend......* Oh the pain.  The numbers of advice comments
is extraordinary - but I think they need more....... Like maybe one from
Lori Gordon.  I recommend you all check out Lori Gordon's Master Session ­
our only session that directly tackles the green-eyed monster. With Facebook
and so many sites so effortlessly connecting old flames, we need Lori's
tools and wisdom now more than ever.  (Lori Gordon is the founder of the
PAIRS Program. ) 

> 501- Friday, Orlando
> Untangling The Web of Jealousy
> Lori Gordon, PhD
> Jealousy highjacks our thinking brain, causes developmental regression, and
> destroys love. Use the unique insights of the PAIRS Jealousy Loop & Tool Kit
> to tame the green-eyed monster.

Full article:
http://tinyurl.com/csm7jn

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- MARRIAGE RESEARCH

This one sounds like a research study that set out to justify a *Consumer
Marriage* mind-set:   "....oh bummer she seemed fine during courtship but
she's just not actively helping me fulfill my current responsibilities and
obligations - time to trade her in for someone that's more supportive of my
program". For more on Consumer Marriage read Bill Doherty's book Take Back
Your Marriage 
http://www.smartmarriages.com/app/Media.Booklist
and/ or attend his sessions at Smart Marriages Orlando. - diane

- Why Dating Doesn't Predict Marital Success
April 27, 2009  Scientific American

Scientists confirm what may seem obvious to some: what satisfies us in
dating, does not predict how happy we'll be in marriage. Christie Nicholson
reports 

Many of us learn, most likely the hard way, that what brings happiness
during dating is quite different from what satisfies us ³until death do us
part". The critical difference is how your perception of commitment changes
once you are married.

This comes from a survey of 92 dating couples and 77 married couples, to be
published this summer in the journal, Psychological Science.

For both types of couples, the primary predictor of happiness is your
perception of whether your partner motivates you to live up to your
aspirations and supports you in pursuit of your dreams.

But in marriage there is one additional type of support that does not appear
to be a big deal in dating. In marriage, not surprisingly, there is a strong
need to think your partner is actively helping you fulfill your current
responsibilities and obligations.

The significant finding, the researchers say, is that we often believe that
if our dating partner gives us support to follow our dreams, they¹ll
probably support other parts of our life, namely our immediate
responsibilities. But the ability to inspire a partner is not an accurate
predictor of support for the more mundane and immediate obligations. And
this can sometimes lead to a rude awakening when the church bells ring.

So it¹s true. For both men and women, a little help hauling out the garbage
goes a long way towards marital bliss.

‹Christie Nicholson

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- RELATIONSHIP EDUCATION (RE) AND LIVED CHRISTIANITY: FREE CALL

The next RE and Lived Christianity Call will be Thursday, May 14 at 9 pm.
The focus will be on Problem Solving, Self, and Other Change Skills.  We
will consider if the often discussed "Golden Rule" connection with RE
actually belongs to Problem Solving.  It has often been associated with
empathy, but Bernard Guerney, founder of RE, has called empathy the
"Platinum Rule"--do unto others as they would be done to.  What do you
think?

Also, it often seems that Self and Other Change Skills are not given the
attention they deserve--especially in light of lived Christianity.  What do
you think?

And, finally, is there a space (or even a need) for deliberate expression of
sorrow and then forgiveness as part of Self -Change and Helping Others
Change Skills when they are practiced in a Christian context?

To join in what is usually a lively discussion, join the call on THURSDAY,
May 14 at 9 pm Eastern time. The call in number is 712-432-9998.  The pin is
498485#.  The calls are FREE, other than any long distance charges you
incur. Calls are coordinated by Mary Ortwein who will present the RE/MML
Training Institute and several workshops in Orlando.


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