Florida Casual Saturday/ Cohabitation Mosh/ Unmarried /CC and Thrive - 3/19/09

[Smartmarriages]

- FLORIDA MEETING SAT MARCH 21, 1-4pm, SHINGLE CREEK RESORT
- COHABITATION PERSPECTIVES: STARTING POINT
- SPEAKING OF STARTING POINTS: 40% OF US BIRTHS TO UNMARRIED
- UNMARRIED BIRTHS: WAITING TO MARRY/COHABITING BIRTHS
- COHABITATION: MCMANUS & CURTIS WEIGH IN
- COUPLE COMMUNICATION TRAINING AND THRIVE SPECIAL DEAL

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- FLORIDA MEETING SAT MARCH 21, 1-4pm, SHINGLE CREEK RESORT

When one asks, others may wonder.  Dress for Saturday's meeting is CASUAL.
It is in Florida, after all, at a resort.  Someone said they'd be coming
from a game with no time to go home to change. That's fine. Whatever you
wear, I encourage you to bring a sweat shirt - wear shorts or a sundress,
but know that meeting room air conditioning can be extreme.  I also
encourage you to arrive early - it's HUGE....seems when I was down there it
took me 15 mins just to walk from the entrance to the meeting center, and I
had an escort to show me the way. Plus, if you're early it will give us time
to chat and get to know each other.  There never seems to be time for that
at the conference.  I promise to be there early.

Here's the notice I sent to the list back in Feb:

> We'll talk about how you can make the most of the fact that the Smart
> Marriages conference is coming to Florida - how you can use this national
> conference to advance your own marriage-strengthening work. You will also get
> a big head start on networking ­ meet colleagues who share your mission. Ask
> your questions about the Coalition (CMFCE/Smart Marriages) and learn about the
> new Strong Marriages Florida campaign from director John Stemberger and about
> the Fireproof Marriage Ministry Initiative from co-director Richard Albertson.
> 
> Everyone is welcome. Bring friends, colleagues, policy makers -
> and ideas. 
> 
> The hotel is at 9939 Universal Blvd Orlando, 32827.  Hotel: 407-996-9939.

Ya'll come.  

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- COHABITATION PERSPECTIVES: STARTING POINT

In Orlando, Scott Stanley (a.k.a. Dr Commitment) will update us on the
latest commitment research and help us figure out how to, as the keynote is
titled, LIVE WITH COHABITATION and, most important, how to meet the next
marrying generation at their *starting point*.  Thurs morning keynote,
bright and early. And, yes, keynotes are included in your conference
registration fee - even the three lunch keynotes. (There's been some
confusion about registering - you don't register for keynotes, they are
automatically included. You only need to register for the add-on banquets
and the Tues Fireproof lunch.)

I also point out that Scott is cheerfully heading into several other
contentious areas: to screen or not to screen for domestic violence?
(workshop #412) and using prayer journals as a couples intervention (#504).
All can't miss sessions.  Register online at: - diane

> Dear Diane, 
>  
> About the reactions and thoughts on cohabitation, I have a few thoughts.  Part
> of what Galena Rhoades and I will try to do in the upcoming plenary is (a)
> update people on the research on the state of the field, (b) update people on
> the large, federally funded study we’re doing on couple development and
> cohabitation, and (c) deal with the oh so tricky issue of advice and how to
> deal with this generation on this subject.
>  
> One of the more complex things we’re going to try to do is get real (I hate
> that term, but it fits) about how difficult this issue is to deal with from
> the standpoint of differences in starting points.  As someone noted in your
> email to the list, it’s useful to realize that we are not (as a culture)
> remotely in the place where the starting point is about whether or not it’s a
> good idea.  I know some people want to fight that battle at exactly that place
> but you’re not starting where most of the folks are if you do, and you’ll
> likely lose them right out of the shoot—except, maybe and mostly, conservative
> religious young people who are somewhat closer to that as the starting point.
> Otherwise, cohabitation is ubiquitous and widely accepted and practiced, most
> often, in the higher risk way (part of what we’ll push along further in terms
> of the research).  That’s no endorsement, just reality.
>  
> Galena and I are totally on the same page about the research and the meaning
> of the accumulated findings at this point.  However, we are not the same
> people in terms of background and world view (part of what makes a very
> effective research team; we’ve got a serious range of backgrounds and views in
> our lab). Galena is younger than me, more liberal, and less religious.  I’m,
> well, I’m different from her. In our talk, we will talk about the science
> rather dispassionately but then address this complex issue of how to deal with
> these issues with younger (or older) people.  To deal with reality, I think it
> helps if we all realize that not all people one might want to help are (a) at
> the same starting point or (b) interested in the same message or (c) open to
> considering the same foundational point-of-view in how to think about the
> subject.  We’ll try to honor this complexity in our talk.
>  
> Scott  Stanley 

################################
- SPEAKING OF STARTING POINTS: 40% OF US BIRTHS TO UNMARRIED

2007 brings a record 4.31M babies
40% of births among unmarried adult women
By Sharon Jayson
USA TODAY - March 19, 2009

The USA's banner year for babies in 2007 set a record of 4.31 million ˜ and
was driven in large part by growing numbers of unmarried adult women giving
birth, new government data show.

Childbearing by unmarried women reached "historic levels," the report says,
to an estimated 1.7 million, or 40% of all births. There were increases in
the birth rate and the proportion of births as well as an increase in the
number. Teen mothers accounted for 23%. The report, based on preliminary
data, was released Wednesday by the National Center for Health Statistics.

Since 2002, all measures of childbearing by unmarried women have been
"climbing steeply," says Stephanie Ventura, a demographer who worked on the
government report, which is based on birth certificates.

The report found 60% of women 20-24 who had babies in 2007 were unmarried,
up from 51.6% in 2002. Among ages 25-29, 32.2% of births were to unmarried
women, vs. 25% in 2002. For ages 15-19, almost 86% were unmarried, compared
with 80% in '02. . . .

- - - - - -
- UNMARRIED BIRTHS: WAITING TO MARRY/COHABITING BIRTHS

Women 30-34 account for a large bump in 2007 U.S. birth rate
Many unmarried moms are cohabiting
By Sharon Jayson
USA TODAY - March 19, 2009

Birth rates are up for women in their 20s, 30s and early 40s as well as for
teens 15-19, according to a government report based on 2007 birth
certificates. . . .

. . . "We know most American teens initiate sex about age 17. That's NINE
YEARS DIFFERENCE  between the AVERAGE age of first sex and first marriage,"
says John Santelli, an adolescent-medicine specialist at Columbia
University. "That's going to result in a lot of non-marital births."

Kelly Musick, an associate professor at Cornell University, is researching
cohabitation and childbearing among non-marital families. "There is a lot of
childbearing outside of marriage, and a good portion nowadays is in
COHABITING relationships," she says.

Some women may be having babies because they have not found Mr. Right but
are mindful of their ticking biological clocks. And celebrities make
unmarried motherhood more acceptable, says Gary Hoppenstand, a professor at
Michigan State University in East Lansing who is editor of The Journal of
Popular Culture. 

"Young people see their favorite actresses getting pregnant without serious
commitment, and it's cool for them."

He adds that they "don't realize there is a powerful financial component to
raising children. Typically young women rely on their own parents or
immediate family to help raise the child, whereas celebrities hire nannies."

Teen motherhood is a particular concern for the non-profit Child Trends, a
research group based in Washington, D.C., which has just completed a
state-level analysis of teen childbearing.

The report uses 2006 data, which was the most recent available, and
estimates that 18% of teen girls nationwide will become teen mothers. States
levels vary from 8% to 30%, but in nine states, mostly in the South and
Southwest, 25% or more are projected to have a child before age 20. The
estimate was less than 10% in three states, New Hampshire, Vermont and
Massachusetts.

Santelli, who will present new research findings next week at a meeting of
the Society for Adolescent Medicine, says his study ˜ to be published later
this year ˜ shows a downturn in contraceptive use since 2003. He suggests
stagnant or rising teen birth and pregnancy rates through 2008.

Sarah Brown of the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy
says the U.S. teen birth rate is extremely high.

"So the biggest picture of all is that rates of teen pregnancy and births in
this country far exceed what other developed countries report," she says.

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- AND, SPEAKING OF COHABITATION: MCMANUS & CURTIS WEIGH IN

Mike and Harriet McManus will present several times in Orlando.  Maybe we
can stage the Cohabitation discussion at their exhibit booth....  By the
way, John Curtis also replied saying I was right, that he was not endorsing
cohabitation, simply trying to meet couples where they're at: at their
starting point.  - diane


Dear Diane,

       I regret to bear the news you are mistaken, in saying that John
Curtis is not "endorsing cohabitation."  He wrote a book, which he calls
"Happily Un-Married: Living Together - How To Do It."  It is full of the
wrong kind of advice to couples, suggesting how to make cohabitation work.
He is wrong.  It is a colossal failure.

       He pretends that couples who live together can "test the
relationship." That is one of the myths Harriet and I debunk in our book,
"Living Together: Myths, Risks & Answers."  Cohabiting couples often say
they are in a "trial marriage." Another myth. It is more like a "trial
divorce."  The only question is whether a cohabiting couple will break up
before the marriage, or afterwards.  Consider the data.

       In 2007, Census says that 5.5 million couples were cohabiting, based
on a survey of 3 million households in that year. That figure is up 13-fold
since 1960, when only 430,000 couples were cohabiting. (These figures do not
include gays or lesbians.) However, of the 5.5 million only 1.5 million
married, or 26.7%.  In other words, three-quarters broke up short of
marriage. They do not just separate, like a couple who stops dating.  In
living together they become bonded, like a husband and wife.  Most last more
than a year.  When a cohabiting couple breaks up, it is what we call a
"premarital divorce," which can be traumatizing. Evidence? The number of
never-married Americans was a record high in 2009, 58 million up from only
21 million in 1970.  That's a near tripling, when the population grew only
about 48% in that time.  That is why the marriage rate is plunging, down
about 50% since 1970.

      Secondly, a study by the University of Wisconsin's Center for
Demography estimated that "Marriages that are preceded by living together
have 50% higher disruption rates than marriages without premarital
cohabitation."  Since marriage rates have plunged, why haven't divorce
rates? Our book has a table revealing that between 2005-2007, the divorce
rate rose in 26 of 44 states with data. Thus, rising cohabitation is driving
up the divorce rate.

       Third, a disastrous consequence of skyrocketing cohabitation is
soaring out-of-wedlock births.  The National Center for Health Statistics
looks at actual birth records and concluded that 1,714,000 births were to
unmarried women in 2007, 39.7% of all births, up from 1.5 million in 2005.
That percentage is rising in tandem with jumping numbers of cohabiting
couples. 

       Our book, "Living Together: Myths, Risks & Answers," published last
year outlines a better way for couples to really test their relationship.
First, couples should take a premarital inventory, such as PREPARE/ENRICH or
FOCCUS, to get an objective view of their strengths as a couple, and where
they need to grow.  Only a third of couples marrying today are given an
inventory.  I regret to say, as a nationally syndicated Ethics & Religion
columnist, that sadly, most churches today are wedding factories that grind
out weddings on Saturdays with virtually no significant marriage preparation

       Second, couples should sit down with a trained Mentor Couple to
discuss the wide range of issues on the inventory.  Usually, a pastor will
perform this function, but will discuss inventory results for only an hour.
How many of the nearly 200 items can he cover in an hour?  We believe it is
far better for couples to sit down with a couple whose marriage has gone the
distance, who can mentor them.  In our church, over a decade a fifth of
couples being mentored, decided NOT to marry. Buit of 233 couples who met 6
times with a Mentor Couple for 2-3 hours per session, only 7 couples, or 3%
got divorced over a decade.

       A 97% success rate over a decade is virtual marriage insurance.  We
have trained about 4,000 couples to deliver a similar quality result.

       You might consider a future debate between John Curtis and me at a
future Smart Marriages conference.

       (FYI, it is odd that six states do not offer any divorce data, which
is shameful: California, Indiana, Louisiana, Minnesota, Georgia and Hawaii.
Your readers in those states should put pressure on state officials to
publish data that the counties are collecting..  How long would it take to
add up the number of divorces by county? Perhaps readers of your listserve
in those states could gather the data. Without this data, it is impossible
to judge whether any new public policies are effective in reducing the
divorce rate.) 

Mike McManus
Www.MarriageSavers.org

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- COUPLE COMMUNICATION TRAINING AND THRIVE SPECIAL DEAL

I clipped this from the Couple Communication listserv. It's these kinds of
programs that will help us help couples sort it all out starting from
whatever starting point and getting to THRIVE.  Don't miss this incredible
opportunity to take this training from the program founder, Sherod Miller.
- diane

> In these challenging economic times, it is more important than ever  for
> couples to use good communication skills. Become a COUPLE COMMUNICATION  (CC)
> Instructor, and teach 11 specific, practical communication  skills and the
> conflict-resolving, decision-making process using the engagning and powerful
> skill mats that  builds on the skills.  Take the training at the Smart
> Marriages Orlando Conference July 7 & 8 or in:
> Schaumburg, IL (west Chicago) April 17-18,
> Seattle, WA  August 14-15
>
> Instructor Training includes:
> 7 Ingredients of a Collaborative Marriage
> THRIVE: The Collaborative Marriage Sphere “Reflectment” (optional
> inventory for couples) taken on-line before CC I, again after, and
> 12 months later (all for one low price)
> CC II (which includes strategies for managing and responding to anger)
> CORE COMMUNICATION (the program for individuals)
> A Note About THRIVE
>
> The facilitator training for THRIVE (usually taken on-line via the Internet
> separately from the 2-day workshop) is included free as part of the Instructor
> Training (usually $85.00 or with discounts for  previously trained CC
> instructors).
>
> For Smart Marriage Conference-goers, who do not attend the 2-
> day CC Instructor Workshop, the first half of the THRIVE facilitator
> training is also available for FREE as a 90-minute conference
> workshop. Attending the session (#503 of the Conference) allows you
> to finish the THRIVE facilitator training for FREE on-line at your
> convenience.
>
> For more information about the CC programs, registration, and CE
> credits, see:
> www.couplecommunication.com and click on Instructor Training
> For THRIVE, see www.THRIVEsphere.com
> For CORE, see www.comskills.com
> Call ICP at 800-328-5099


####################
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13th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, Shingle Creek Resort,
Orlando, Florida, July 6-12, 2009 (General Conference July 8-11)
Pre-Conference Training Institutes July 6-8
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 12
 
Shingle Creek Resort: http://www.rosenshinglecreek.com/

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