Black Marriage Day : Teens/ Conference / New Social Contract / More Church Weddings - 3/17/09

[Smartmarriages]

- BLACK MARRIAGE DAY FOR TEENS
- MARRIAGE ENRICHMENT CONFERENCE IN SANTA FE
- NEEDED: NEW *SOCIAL CONTRACT* BASED ON FAMILIES
- MORE CHURCH WEDDINGS?

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- BLACK MARRIAGE DAY FOR TEENS

To honor Black Marriage Day, The Dibble Institute has collaborated with
Nancy McLaren of the Loving Well Project to design an activity for teens.
Featuring the poem, "Alone", by Maya Angelou, it challenges young people to
reflect on Ms Angelou's work and think about the qualities needed to form
supportive and satisfying relationships. To access & share our activity, go
to: http://dibbleinstitute.org/blk_marriage_day.html

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- MARRIAGE ENRICHMENT CONFERENCE IN SANTA FE

The Annual Marriage Enrichment Conference will be held on April 25, 2009 in
Santa Fe, New Mexico.  For information and registration:
http://www.tmewpi.org/

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- NEEDED: NEW *SOCIAL CONTRACT* BASED ON FAMILIES

American family needs some help
The Washington Times
Two parts March 8 & March 15, 2009
Cheryl Wetzstein


> The new census report shows that childlessness is at record high levels. In
> 1976, for instance, 10 percent of women aged 40 to 44 were childless. By 2006,
> it was 20 percent.
> 
> Civilizations don't last long without a solid foundation of family units. WHAT
> CAN BE DONE? 
> 

The Census Bureau's latest assessment of the American family is so, well,
factual.

"As Baby Boomers Age, Fewer Families Have Children Under 18 at Home," is the
headline for the bureau's latest data dump.

Why are there more childless American homes? An aging population and
"changing fertility patterns," says bureau analyst Rose Kreider.

What's the big whoop about childless homes, readers may ask. Lots of young
people aren't ready to have kids yet; get off their case. Empty-nest baby
boomers and long-living grandparents explain the rest of the story.

The problem is this ‹ America's "social contract" has gotten wildly out of
balance, says Phillip Longman, senior fellow at the New America Foundation
think tank.

In fact, it's so out of whack that the nation needs a brand-new
"family-based" social contract.

The next generation is already "highly encumbered by poverty, family
break-up, a rising national debt," Mr. Longman and David Gray write in their
November report, "A Family-Based Social Contract."

"Justice, and prudence, requires that we make a significant investment to
restore and strengthen the American family," they conclude.

I like the analysis by these two "pragmatic progressives."

In earlier years, Mr. Longman recently told me, the American family was
viewed as an immutable, self-renewing bedrock institution. Marriage,
parenthood and family were respected, even revered. A good community
encompassed stable families, friends, religious life, public service and a
thriving work sector.

Today, the cultural paradigm has shifted. The country deeply values its
educated, moral, socially competent (and taxable) young workers, but it
barely acknowledges the people who created, nurtured, loved and invested in
these young workers for 20 years.

"If you think about it, parents make a tremendous sacrifice in their time,
money and careers to raise children," Mr. Longman said. "And yet society
really gives them no compensation. Š It essentially taxes parenthood."

Read on for analysis of the impending crisis and what can be done:
Here: 
http://tinyurl.com/cunqs3

And, here: 
http://tinyurl.com/dfh8ar

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- MORE CHURCH WEDDINGS?

More church weddings?
The Christian Science Monitor
Sarah More McCann
March 16, 2009

Not only are engaged couples cutting back on wedding spending, some are also
deciding that having the ceremony in a church adds meaning.

> "You have to ask yourself what's important," Weir says. "How many decorations
> do you really need? We are tied to the Catholic Church. If getting married is
> a leap of faith, than this is the place to do it."

-------------------------
> Ms. Stephens's wedding budget of $5,000 has forced her to carefully evaluate
> her options for the wedding and reception, and she found that her church was
> cheaper, at $400, than other alternatives.
> 
> "When you factor in the cost of renting chairs, it was cheaper than having it
> in my backyard," she says.


When Eileen Weir of Boston gets married in November, she'll probably walk to
the church to save the cost of a limo. She purchased a wedding dress for
$200 at the annual "running of the brides" event at Filene's Basement and
plans to make her own invitations.

Saving money on the wedding matters to her, but Ms. Weir really has only one
requirement for her wedding: that it be at St. Brendan's Catholic Church,
where she was baptized and received her first communion and confirmation. If
she can't have it there, she doesn't have a second choice ­ it just wouldn't
matter.

While engaged couples bemoan a recession that's forcing them to scale back
their spending, a different conversation is also bubbling: Will the economic
downturn help focus attention on the religious importance of the wedding
ceremony or even reacquaint some with a faith tradition from which they've
drifted?

"You have to ask yourself what's important," Weir says. "How many
decorations do you really need? We are tied to the Catholic Church. If
getting married is a leap of faith, than this is the place to do it."

According to a recent Gallup poll, the recession isn't increasing Americans'
weekly church attendance, but for those already affiliated, a faith
community can help prioritize the creation of a sacramental bond.

Despite the fact that Weir is worried about wedding planning amid
financially tough times, she says that St. Brendan's has given her something
more important than money. It has helped her ponder the future with the
confidence that she's chosen a suitable partner.

St. Brendan's "is a place I've gone when I've needed hope and inspiration,"
Weir says. "When my father died, the first thing I did when I woke up [the
next day] was go to the 9 a.m. mass. Marriage is like this. Your spouse is
someone you go to for comfort and who grounds you. ... It's the person you
want next to you in the bad times. That's a lot like faith. My fiancé and I
are connected, and you have to [be married] in a place that has the same
connection for you," she says.

There are many ways people feel connected to their faith communities, says
Nancy Ammerman, a professor of the sociology of religion at Boston
University who is conducting a study on how people talk about their
spirituality.

These connections include "liturgies and music, things that evoke something
awesome, transcendent. Sights, sounds, and smells," she says, adding, "It's
the connection to community. Some Jewish people, for instance, have talked
about how important it is for people to attend services to learn the
traditions, through the community."

Community is of utmost importance at Congregation Shomrei Emunah in
Baltimore, which recently began offering a complete wedding package (minus
the photographer and band) for $10,500.

The weddings are held in the building, and five local kosher caterers agreed
to offer the same menu for the same price, explains Avi Frydman, executive
director of the Orthodox Jewish congregation.

The caterers "police each other, down to the length of the tablecloths," he
adds with a laugh.

Previously, families who were part of the congregation had only two choices
for weddings: Travel to New York or Lakewood, N.J., to host less expensive
weddings, or pay between 50 and 70 percent more to have the celebration
locally.

"If you don't have to be as concerned with money and paying for it, you can
focus on what it is ­ a communal celebration of two families getting
together," Mr. Frydman says. "The community is there to observe and to
provide support; not just eat, drink, and be merry. Families think of the
couple and what is happening to them."

The wedding package is just the latest effort to make participation in
religious rituals easier. In the tradition of a gemach, or free-loan
organization, community members are ready to loan, for a reasonable fee,
items ranging from wedding dresses to wedding centerpieces.

Frydman's two daughters utilized a bridal dress gemach for a fee of about
$50 each. Another member of the congregation runs a gemach for table
centerpieces, yet another for party favors, etc. People learn about them
through word of mouth.

"This also binds the community," Frydman says. "In Orthodox circles, these
are people who do not live together before they are married. .... They are
entering a different phase of their lives, and the community signifies this
through the wedding. That's what makes Orthodox weddings special. It's a new
phase of lives and a new phase for families, too."

For couples who have drifted away from a religious community, a wedding can
reintroduce aspects of a tradition they still feel ties to, many ministers
say. This may be especially true in a recession.

People are getting away from a formal denominational connection, but many
have strong feelings of identification with the tradition in which they grew
up, says the Rev. Gary Ritner, founder of Saint Savers Wedding Officiating
Services in Minneapolis.

"Rites, rituals, and ceremonies have a lot of meaning for people," agrees
nondenominational pastor Jack Porcello, who officiates at about 125 weddings
a year in upstate New York.

Many engaged couples who turn to Mr. Ritner or Mr. Porcello to conduct their
weddings want to include religious elements in their wedding, but don't
belong to a church. The two men are also seeing couples who feel inspired by
the economy to focus on substance over glitz.

"People are starting to pare things down," Porcello says. "They are
concentrating on the more practical side of the relationship, and a
practical appreciation of the faith, the reality of what marriage is more
than the fairy tale wedding,"

Many couples mention that they had originally planned a larger wedding
budget, "but that they are cutting back so they want to make the service
really spiritual," Ritter says.

But for some couples, the decision to have a church wedding does hinge on
its economy, says Pam Kacys, a pastor at the nondenominational Chicago
Wedding Chapel. "A lot of our brides are younger brides, and a lot of
hotels, if you have a wedding onsite, charge extra to host the ceremony
there. We find brides think [that] if they are going to pay extra anyway,
why not go to a church?"

The chapel provides the music, flowers, candles, and lets brides customize
their ceremony to reflect their denominational preferences.

Church weddings can be very cost-effective for those who belong to a
congregation, notes Judith Stephens of Lexington, Ky., a Church of Christ
member.

Ms. Stephens's wedding budget of $5,000 has forced her to carefully evaluate
her options for the wedding and reception, and she found that her church was
cheaper, at $400, than other alternatives.

"When you factor in the cost of renting chairs, it was cheaper than having
it in my backyard," she says.

Regardless, Stephens wouldn't have her wedding anywhere else. It needs to be
in a church, she says. "A wedding is a union with God ­ God is included."

 
SNAPSHOTS OF WEDDING PLANNING IN A RECESSION
While a recession won¹t stop most people from getting married, more engaged
couples are scaling back their wedding spending. As many as 75 percent of
brides-to-be say they will make some adjustments to their budget due to the
economy, according to a study commissioned by David¹s Bridal.

Spending is down in a variety of areas:

€ The average amount spent on an engagement ring in 2008: $3,215. The
expected average amount that will be spent in 2009: $2,939

€ The average cost of a wedding in 2007: $28,704. In 2008: $21,814, a drop
of 24 percent.

Spending in other areas also saw a marked decline from 2007 to 2008:

Wedding dress: -31 percent

Rehearsal dinner: -34 percent

Reception food service: -53 percent

Wedding cake: -33 percent

Wedding favors: -9 percent

Limo rental: -24 percent

Other ways couples are saving money:

€ To save costs on photography, some brides are turning to student
photographers.

€ Do-it-yourself invitations. Overall spending on invitations dropped 34
percent, according to the Wedding Report.

Sources: David¹s Bridal, The Wedding Report


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13th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, Shingle Creek Resort,
Orlando, Florida, July 6-12, 2009 (General Conference July 8-11)
Pre-Conference Training Institutes July 6-8
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 12
 
Shingle Creek Resort: http://www.rosenshinglecreek.com/

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