Stimulus package for your marriage educator brain - 3/17/09

Wed Mar 18 13:11:42 EDT 2009

- LISTEN ON NPR: ABRUPT ENDING
- THE PLEASURE PRINCIPLE
- COHABITATION PERSPECTIVES
- YOUR COHABITATION REPLIES

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- LISTEN ON NPR: ABRUPT ENDING

Happens Every Day: A Marriages Abrupt Ending : Listen on NPR
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=101968700&sc=emaf

How can we help prevent these mind-blowing, inexplicable, abrupt endings
.....especially those in paradise?

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- THE PLEASURE PRINCIPLE
A coed retreat focused on pleasing women joins SF sexual underground.
NY Times 
March 15, 2009

This year's conference has so much on sex that I feel I have to alert you to
this one. It made the front page of the NY Style section with a big couldn't
miss half-page photo plus inside photos - and it's created discussion on all
the talk shows. Want you to be *in the know* in case it comes up.  However,
I want to add a disclaimer: Sending articles to the list is not an
endorsement of the content (see Cohabitation Perspectives below).   This
article, as the opening paragraph states: *a coed live-in commune dedicated
to the female orgasm hovers at the extremes*, - hovers at the extremes but
makes a mind-expanding point about women's sexuality - takes our thinking
beyond the beyond.  Also makes one wonder why they partner strangers and not
spouses.  Maybe the only way to get males to do this is to at least give
them a stranger. ??  Warning: adults only.  Please don't read it if you are
easily offended.  

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/15/fashion/15commune.html

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- COHABITATION PERSPECTIVES

I appreciate your replies.  All of them.  However, I want to repeat that
sharing news about marriage, dating, sex, divorce, cohabitation - does not
an endorsement make. I don't think John Curtis is endorsing cohabitation.
He's saying it is what is. MOST couples now cohabit before marriage and we
must recognize this fact and work to reach committed unmarried couples where
they LIVE (which is, primarily TOGETHER).  Read the email I received this
week from an educated female that defines the problem - there no longer
exists a social stigma against cohabiting but there is a stigma (her words)
against marrying early. Like at 23. Oy!  Send me your replies to Amanda and
I'll forward them to her and share the most interesting five with the list.
I probably should just send her the DVD of Scott Stanley's keynote *What is
it About Men and Commitment Anyway?* about how she doesn't want her
wonderful guy to feel like he's sliding vs deciding into a marriage with
her,  and the DVD of John Van Epp's SF keynote, *Waiting to Marry*.  In
talking with many of you I realize that the Van Epp keynote title was
misleading. It was NOT a cautionary call to couples to warn them to wait to
marry, it was a description of the problem  that couples are now waiting to
marry thinking that's the best way to assure success, when the research
shows that that is not at all the case. Waiting is the problem. And,
cohabitating while waiting is not the best track to the promised land. It is
also mind-blowing to me that her name is Amanda.  I'll also strongly
encourage her to read: *Amanda's Thirty-ninth Birthday* in Unprotected by
Miriam Grossman.  One of the most powerful chapters written in years and a
book that should be on every marriage educator's shelf.
http://www.smartmarriages.com/app/Media.Booklist - diane

> Dear Dr. Romance,
> I am a senior in college and I want my boyfriend to move in with me. We are
> both graduating in May and we have been dating for two years and practically
> living together for 1 and a half years. I used to spend my nights in his place
> while keeping my clothes in my not so nice apartment. I now have nice condo
> that I own and he lives in a crappy apartment so he basically lives at my
> house. We are not engaged yet but we will get engaged before he goes to
> medical school in a year. When he graduates we will get married. We are very
> committed to our relationship and sex is not what keeps our relationship
> together. We talk about being together forever and starting a family.  We are
> best friends and most nights we stay up talking and snuggling. Both our
> parents are still married and very happy. We are both also well off
> financially and will be getting good jobs in the future. The only thing
> holding us back from getting married now is the stigma of getting married too
> young. I know it is stupid to worry what other people would think, but we are
> just 22 and I don't see the difference if we just marry when we are 26. The
> reason for us living together is not a test to see if marriage will work, we
> already know that we would be perfect for each other. Also, the decision is
> not out of loneliness or sexual convenience. I read that cohabitating reduces
> people's attraction towards marriage and childbearing, but we feel like our
> "almost living together situation" has made us more excited about those
> prospects. I know that statistics say that cohabitation leads to divorce and
> unhappy marriages, but the demographics of the people who normally cohabit do
> not fit with ours. Do you think we could be an exception?
> Sincerely,
> Amanda
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- COHABITATION REPLIES

And, to share the sentiments sent in by SO MANY of you, I'll pick one that
is representative.  Many who said they wished I'd set up a
point/counterpoint session with Stanley and Curtis.  I didn't. Maybe we can
discuss under the palm trees Sat night.   - d

> Diane 
> I appreciate your newsletter more than you know.  What a great way to keep up
> with the latest trends regarding marriage and relationships, as well as the
> associated research often featured.  On one of the last mailings, there was a
> link to John Curtis¹ website, ³Un-happily Married.²  After visiting the site,
> I was surprised that SmartMarriages would give airtime to an advocate of
> cohabitation such as Curtis.  Most striking to me is his lack of research or
> evidence for the claims he makes on his site regarding the benefits of
> cohabitation.  He reports the results of a reader¹s poll citing attitudes
> toward cohabitation, but never brings anything like solid research to support
> his conclusions. He seems to take the position of a thermometer, merely
> reporting how hot or cold our society¹s attitudes are toward marriage.
> SmartMarriages seems designed to serve those of us who strive to be
> ³thermostats;² counselor and therapist practitioners who want to actually
> influence the marital culture around us for the better.  In short, Curtis
> doesn¹t seem to fit.
>  
> Sadly, many of his readers will buy into his conclusions about marriage, and
> potentially hinder their relationship potential, rather than enhancing it.
> Bottom line: I look forward to the discussion at the conference between Curtis
> and Stanley!
>  
> Chris Siggins MS
> Marriage & Family Pastor
> Director, Center for Marriage & Family Enrichment
> Palm Beach Gardens, Fl

In case you missed it, Cohabitation Perspectives post:
http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/2009-March/003929.html

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13th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, Shingle Creek Resort,
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Pre-Conference Training Institutes July 6-8
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 12

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