Redefine Wealth to Strengthen Marriage/ Money at Smart Marriags/ Banker's Advice -3/16/09

[Smartmarriages]

- REDEFINE *WEALTH* TO HELP MARRIAGE
- THRIFT AND GENEROSITY, MONEY HABITUDES, SHARED GOALS, ETC
- BANKER'S ADVICE

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- REDEFINE *WEALTH* TO HELP MARRIAGE

BAUMGARDNER: Redefine wealth to help marriage
The Washington Times
March 15, 2009
Julie Baumgardner 

National research indicates money is not the deal maker when it comes to
getting married, but it often is the deal breaker for when a marriage ends.

So if people were arguing over money before the economy started tanking, I
bet things are even more tense now.

In a recent conversation with professor Kit Yarrow, a consumer psychologist
who teaches psychology and business at Golden Gate University in San
Francisco, she agreed that these are tense and complicated times, but there
might be a silver lining.

"I encourage people to be as positive as possible," Ms. Yarrow said. "There
is no question that many people are experiencing genuine hardship and trauma
and are making some serious lifestyle adjustments. However, on the positive
side of things, we are seeing a shift away from materialism toward values."

Ms. Yarrow believes more people are rethinking how they define wealth.

"People are exploring where their riches come from and are finding that what
really makes their life rich is relationships," she said. "If you have
people in your life that love you and you have people to love, your life is
rich. All of the rest of the stuff is great, but it is gravy."

If money is causing friction in your marriage, consider these suggestions
for recession-proofing your marriage, drawn from a recent "Good Morning
America" interview featuring Ms. Yarrow.

€ Expand your meaning of wealth. A definition of "wealth" and "security"
should include all of life's riches ‹ good health, hobbies, pets,
friendships and, most important, spouse and family. In the midst of
difficult circumstances, it helps to be intentional about focusing on what
you have instead of what you don't have or have lost.

€ Consider new roles. Flexibility in the face of change is the best defense.
We often enter into marriage with certain expectations about who should play
what role. Now might be a good time to consider expanding those expectations
to meet new economic realities. For example, if a husband always has been
the breadwinner, but loses his job and the wife, who has been at home, has a
skill set that will allow her to find work quickly, switching roles could be
a good thing.

Putting your thoughts and feelings on the table concerning this issue can
help prevent tension in your relationship. While change may be necessary at
the moment, it doesn't have to be permanent.

€ Create a routine. In times of uncertainty, it helps to create as much
predictability in your life as you can. Set up weekly budget meetings to
include not only talking about finances, but also the best ways to handle
anxiety, feelings and your marriage. Don't forget to schedule weekly
meetings specifically for romance to keep the emotional aspects of your
relationship strong.

€ Mind the gap. Stress and anxiety deplete emotional resources. Everyone has
a little less resilience right now and everyone needs a little more support.
That "gap" can create misunderstandings that can mushroom into real
conflicts. Don't jump to conclusions. Focus more on your spouse and less on
yourself.

€ Do the doable. Focus on what you can do and avoid panic around what you
can't. Remember, fear is just a warning bell ‹ worrying does not solve
problems; it short-circuits rational thinking. Be mindful and stay in the
present. Reach out for help and also help others ‹ it's empowering. Having
an attitude of gratitude and humbleness makes you appreciative rather than
feeling angry.

€ Julie Baumgardner is the executive director of First Things First, an
organization dedicated to strengthening marriages and families through
education, collaboration and mobilization. She can be reached at
julieb at firstthings.org.

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- THRIFT AND GENEROSITY, MONEY HABITUDES, SHARED GOALS, ETC

We'll be tackling couples and money in several sessions in Orlando -
especially in these keynotes:

> Luncheon Plenary - July 9, 11:30am
> Generosity and Thrift
> Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, PhD
> Thrift? Does it mean penny-pinching and belt-tightening, suffering and
> self-denial? That's what many think but thrift comes from the word "thriving"
> and being thrifty actually makes life and marriages more joyful and free from
> anxiety. Best of all, it is tied to generosity, because it creates an
> abundance of good things to share with others.
> 
> Money Habitudes
> Syble Solomon, MEd
> The truth is that money ­ the actual dollar amount ­ is not the #1 cause of
> conflict in marriage, it's what it represents: power, control, love, freedom,
> security, etc. Use the Money Habitudes card deck to help couples gain
> understanding and mastery of this tricky, slippery slope.

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> Sat, July 11, 11:30am
> Lunch Plenary
> Shared Goals
> Blaine Fowers, PhD
> Marriage begins with romantic love and sexual chemistry, but a lifelong
> marriage demands more. Help couples learn to discover the joy and power of
> Shared Goals and how Shared Goals can take them beyond individual pursuits and
> foster deep Character Friendship ­ the cornerstone to a vibrant and lasting
> marriage.
> 
> Boomers on the Edge
> Terry Hargrave, PhD
> Boomers face three challenges exacerbated by the economic meltdown: caring for
> aging parents, adult children moving home, and not having enough assets to
> retire. How do we apply what we know to be able to help this stressed
> generation? 
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And, this one featuring Julie Baumgardner on how to redefine how we tackle
Marriage Education marketing with tons of money-saving ideas:

> Sat July 11, 7:30pm
> Marriage Rally Teach In!
> Transforming Communities with Grassroots & Internet Marketing
> Julie Baumgardner, MS, CFLE,
> Nisa Muhammad,
> Marc Payan
> Instead of jackhammers and chisels, we need to learn how to use everything on
> the Internet - social networks, widgets, twitters, ebooks - AND everything
> under the sun - movie nights and letters to the editor, jumbotrons and
> billboards, PSAs and quizzes, pamphlets and parades, mentors and foundations ­
> to bring Marriage Education to the public. Join us for a high-octane Teach In.
> Learn what others are doing across the country to strengthen marriage and HOW
> you can tap in to what's free ­ or at least affordable. These experts will
> answer your questions, share what works, and steer you around the potholes.


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- BANKER'S ADVICE

And, while we're at it, here's one you might be able to use in your marriage
ed classes these days to help couples do a little redefining of wealth:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/banker.wisdom.html

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13th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, Shingle Creek Resort,
Orlando, Florida, July 6-12, 2009 (General Conference July 8-11)
Pre-Conference Training Institutes July 6-8
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 12
 
Shingle Creek Resort: http://www.rosenshinglecreek.com/

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