Questions and Conference Yummies - 3/10/09

[Smartmarriages]

- NY TIMES ARTICLE: THE MARRIAGE JOURNEY
- DIVORCED? 
- HEART RHYTHM PRACTICE
- SCOTT STANLEY STARTS HIS BLOG: SLIDING VS DECIDING
- THE COUPLES CHECK UP

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- NY TIMES ARTICLE: THE MARRIAGE JOURNEY

> Dear Diane,
> If we do want to use the wonderful and touching article you sent today for
> marriage classes, how do the copyrights work? May we reprint it?
> Lori Odhner

No you can't reprint without permission from the NY Times. That's why I said
to refer couples to the url.  - diane
http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/2009-March/003926.html

################################

- DIVORCED? 

> Diane
> Is it possible for divorced people to become trainers?
> Deidre

Many of our most INSPIRED instructors are divorced.  Their goal is to help
others avoid having to learn the hard way.
- diane 

#################################
- HEART RHYTHM PRACTICE

I wonder if you will be as intrigued by this one as I am.  I realize I have
no idea what *heart rate variability* is. I know how to measure my heart
rate but no idea how to measure the variability??  I wonder if I'll be able
to figure it out from listening to the recording of this session......have
to wonder because it's so hard for me to actually attend breakouts but I get
the iPod and listen to everything after the conference. This sounds like one
where you might need to be there - AND where you might want to bring your
partner to learn the practice together.  I'm sharing this so you all have
this heads up.  It's on Sat July 11 at 2pm - imagine this one will draw a
crowd. - diane 

>> Diane, As part of my efforts to strengthen the connection of Marriage
>> Education to Health, I keep finding research studies that point to reduced
>> heart rate variability (HRV) as a precursor of heart disease, and increased
>> heart rate variability as a sign of health.  Low HRV (a flat, unvarying
>> rhythm) has been associated with asthma, diabetic neuropathy, congestive
>> heart failure, sudden cardiac death and depression.
>> 
>> So I¹m excited about our workshop in Orlando to teach Rhythm Practice, a
>> conscious breathing & heart entrainment practice which teaches couples to
>> improve their HRV:
>> 
>>> 718   Heart Rhythm Practice
>>> Jana Staton, PhD, Dan McMannis,  MEd
>>> Teach couples a new way to reduce stress, heal old wounds, increase  trust,
>>> optimism and connection by synchronizing heart, body & brain  in a positive,
>>> energetic state. Couples  welcome.
>>> 
>> Couples can learn this quickly, practice it daily individually and with each
>> other, and use it to calm themselves down and re-connect with each other when
>> they¹ve had an argument. Unlike some other approaches to HRV, what we¹ll be
>> teaching requires no equipment and can be done anywhere. It also has huge
>> emotional benefits for the relationship.
>> 
>> I think of this workshop as the cutting edge ‹ part of a Œnext generation¹ of
>> relationship skills. The best Marriage Education programs have always
>> included ³taking a break² and ³calming down². This practice fits perfectly
>> with any program, and is an absolutely simple, effective practice for
>> restoring the body's calm and blocking adrenalin release. And unlike all the
>> other methods I've seen in the major programs, this isn¹t just for
>> individuals; our workshop will show how  couples can stay connected, or
>> re-connect at  moments of stress.
>> 
>> Jana Staton, PhD, LCPC

##################################
- SCOTT STANLEY STARTS HIS BLOG: SLIDING VS DECIDING

There are your marriage tweets, and then this marriage treat!

http://www.slidingvsdeciding.blogspot.com/

Scott Stanley will present 5 times in Orlando where he and colleagues will
introduce the latest version of *PREP Version 7.0* at the 3-day
preconference training institute;  where he'll present a keynote Thursday
morning: *Living With Cohabitation*; and three workshops including launching
the new TOOB program "The Prayer Journal". Download a brochure and look up
Scott in the presenter index on page 20.....lots of yummie sessions.
http://www.smartmarriages.com/download.brochure.html

If you can't make it to Orlando, you can order the new Prayer TOOB program
#504 here: http://www.smartmarriages.com/toobs.html   It works in clinical
practice or as an add-on to any program.

###################################
- THE COUPLES CHECK UP

Here's an article that will inspire you to sign up for the Couples Check up
training in Orlando.  The Prepare/Enrich team will present three times
including a full-day Training Institute on the new customized version of
Prepare/Enrich  http://www.smartmarriages.com/olson.html  and two workshops
including one dedicated to the Couples Checkup on Sat morning:

> 611
> The Couple Checkup
> Peter Larson, PhD, Matthew Turvey, PsyD
> Add this research-based online assessment to improve premarital (dating,
> engaged, cohabiting), married, or remarried programs. Free Discussion Guides,
> Leader¹s Guide & Group Reports.

Take a couple's checkup: Assessments measure key factors for healthy
relationships
Sun Herald 
March 12, 2009 
By EDWARD M. EVELD
Being one half of a couple puts us in harm's way. How are you faring?

Tending to the health of your intimate relationship is not only the purview
of advice columns and amusing magazine quizzes. It's a serious endeavor. And
an evolving one. Assessment is the key.

Taking a formal assessment of a relationship, often with a counselor or
minister, used to be for engaged and married couples. Now, experts say, best
to start earlier than that.

Couples often are in the "dating" stage of their relationships much longer
than in the past. And individuals in loving relationships sooner or later -
often sooner - are emotionally dangerous to each other. (Cruel irony, of
course.) This universal circumstance requires action, not despair.

An assessment can provide a heads-up: information that can prevent pain and
even a breakup.

"Inevitably there's a betrayal, big or small," said Larry Ro-Trock, a
psychologist and marriage and family therapist in Kansas City, Kan., who has
been working with couples for 25 years. "There's this sense when you look at
the other person, he or she isn't the person you thought they were."

So, how to test the health of your relationship and find out areas of
conflict or concern? Assessments usually take the form of an inventory of
statements answered separately by you and your partner. Some of these
assessment questions can be found on the Web.

"We've brought out a new dating assessment," said Peter J. Larson, clinical
psychologist and president of Life Innovations Inc., which creates
research-based programs for couples. "We see the case for seriously dating
couples to take an assessment before they get engaged."

"You want to see how your relationship is measuring up compared with a
healthy standard," he said, "and to understand where you're headed."

Ideally, Larson said, assessments are analyzed with the help of a trained
counselor, clergy member or therapist. But some couples aren't comfortable
with that or prefer to start the process on their own. So his company offers
the "Couple Checkup" online.

Larson said this "over-the-counter approach" provides a report that compares
a couple's responses with those of 100,000 others. Also, just sitting
together and talking it over will be enlightening, he said.

The assessment examines personality traits plus relationship topics such as
communication and financial and sexual issues. There's also a new focus on
"closeness" or "connection."

The matter of how well a couple communicates has long been considered a
crucial component of healthy relationships. Experts are now finding that how
close and connected they feel is also critical, including how well they
balance their time together and time apart.

As for gauging personality, couples are not always aware of the extent of
their differences, don't talk about them or figure there's room for change -
usually, for the other person to change.

"What we know about personality is that it's probably not going to change,"
Larson said. "You need to work with and embrace one another's personality."

The assessments are helpful, but they're not perfect predictors, Larson
said. His company's premarital assessment predicts marriage success with 80
percent accuracy.

"But that means it misses 20 percent of the time," he said. "We want to say,
'Here's the data. Make the best choices you can.'"

Ro-Trock said early assessment makes sense because patterns are formed in
the first year or two of a relationship that play out for a lifetime. And
couples often concoct "toxic cures" for their problems: accusation,
avoidance, overreaction, underreaction, blaming, coercion.

Recognize any of those?

Ro-Trock recalled one couple who, through assessment and counseling,
confronted divergent ideas about family closeness, which they had drawn from
the families they grew up in.

"Their personal histories were quite different," Ro-Trock said. "One family
valued a lot of connection, the other valued independence. He loved to talk
to his dad every day, she found that smothering."

Is the other person too needy, too cold? It's a potential conflict and
source of hard feelings that can be worked out, he said. How much time would
they spend with their families, an issue that would grow larger if they had
children? What about their own time together?

"The differences are still there," Ro-Trock said. "But knowing about this
took the intensity out of it. They were less reactive to it."

Relationships can be complementary or symmetrical, he said. That is, "you
complete me" or "we're completely compatible." Both can work. Either way,
couples must understand and prepare for the coming disappointments and hurt.

"There's such a vulnerability about loving someone," he said.

PROGRESS REPORT

Tracy Hull is 28, works for a Kansas City nonprofit and is pursuing a second
college degree full time.

Beau Graves is 30 and in his second year of law school at the University of
Missouri-Kansas City.

They met on the online dating site match.com in November. Hull was still in
her three-day trial period. After a flurry of e-mails, they met for real
Nov. 29. Things seemed right, right from the start.

"If this doesn't work, I don't know what would," Hull remembered thinking.

Both were in "serious dating" mode. Graves had experienced the breakup of a
six-year relationship and was ready to move forward.

"I made a lot of mistakes in that relationship," he said, "so I kind of had
an understanding of who I am and what I needed to work on in the next
relationship."

Their first few dates weren't dates so much as hanging out together,
studying for semester exams side by side.

"There was this feeling of security, of lovingness," she said. "But we also
found things we perceived differently."

And so, 2 { months into their relationship, we asked Hull and Graves to try
the do-it-yourself, online assessment at www.couplecheckup.com.

We paid the $30 fee. They each spent about 15 minutes responding to the
inventory of more than 100 statements. The result was a 19-page report
highlighting their areas of strength and those termed "growth areas."

Overall, the checkup rated the couple as "vitalized," meaning that most
areas of their relationship were strong. "Vitalized" is the highest of four
ratings. "Conflicted" is the lowest.

Communication was a strength area. One growth area, according to the report,
was "conflict resolution."

"We have different perspectives on how things are solved, so we've been
talking about that," Hull said.

He likes a quick resolution and worries that working too hard or too long on
a conflict serves to deepen it, which could threaten the relationship. She
doesn't share that worry and wants him to understand that working through a
conflict, however long it takes, is no threat to them as a couple.

"The cool thing is that our communication skills are so strong, we can use
that to get us through," Hull said.

The report pointed out other areas for discussion, including:

- SLEEP HABITS

He's a night owl, even a "wee hours of the morning" owl.

She keeps a more traditional schedule, earlier to bed and up before 7 a.m.

"We talked about, 'How do we turn this into a potential strength?'" Hull
said.

The solution, they decided, was partly practical, partly attitude
adjustment. She would go to bed when she needed to, and he would use that
time as his personal time. She would do the same with her mornings.

"We cherish the time we do have together," she said. "So we turned the lens
a little bit on what we were seeing as a conflict."

- FINANCES

She likes to plan. "I've already been in all the financial trouble I want to
be in."

He thinks caution can be overrated. "I'm not very good with money at all."

For now, their finances aren't combined, but they know that ironing out
money matters is important long term.

In all, the checkup was more confirmation than surprise, they said, but they
thought it was helpful even for their healthy relationship.

"It's a good tool because it's a way to bring up these conversations," she
said.

"If you're able to be completely honest when you take the test," he said, "I
think it shines a light. It's a good first step."

ON THE WEB

Check out Life Innovations' online "Couple Checkup" at
www.couplecheckup.com.

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13th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, Shingle Creek Resort,
Orlando, Florida, July 6-12, 2009 (General Conference July 8-11)
Pre-Conference Training Institutes July 6-8
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 12
 
Shingle Creek Resort: http://www.rosenshinglecreek.com/

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