Virginia Healthy Marriage Champion / On the Brain / First Comes Marriage - 6/7/09

[Smartmarriages]

- HOW AND WHY - AND HOW TO FUND - A STATE MARRIAGE INITIATIVE
- SEX ON THE BRAIN
- FIRST COMES MARRIAGE

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- HOW AND WHY - AND HOW TO FUND - A STATE MARRIAGE INITIATIVE

Great article by Bill Janis from the Virginia House of Delegates on why
Virginia needs a Healthy Marriage Initiative, what it would do and how to
fund it.  His contact information is included.  If you live in Virginia,
contact him and offer to help!   For everyone else, this is a great summary
article of TANF and 1% Solution - adapt it and use it in your state. - diane

Success Against Poverty Requires Thousands of Fathers
Richmond Times Dispatch
June 7, 2009 

http://tinyurl.com/qz3wcy

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- SEX ON THE BRAIN

As I've mentioned too many times, the Orlando conference definitely has sex
on the brain - it's the main course, along with, of course, the many side
dishes on the usual topics like how to get a marriage ministry up and
running in your church or how to prepare stepcouples to handle the realities
of remarriage or how to teach couples to expect and cherish and celebrate
their disagreements. But back to the main course. Someone offered last week
that they thought sex had evolved as this year's theme because we're all
looking for inexpensive things to do at home. I liked that. In any case,
here is a great article for gourmet home chefs or to share with couples -
ways to spice up the menu.  It incorporates much of the wisdom we'll hear at
Smart Marriages - echoes John Gray's classic Pocketbook Intervention;
Michele Weiner-Davis's *Just Do It*; Barry McCarthy's guides for developing
your own couples menu;  Pat Love's Sexy Brain and hormones;  Sue Johnson's
Hold Me Tight attachment exercises; and Esther Perel's caution about too
much of a good thing - too much friendship for those Mating in Captivity.
- d   

Sex on the brain
By Lollie Barr
The Sunday Telegraph
June 07, 2009 


REMEMBER when sex was like a seven-course gastronomic feast? You never knew
what was coming, every mouthful left you tingling all over and, by the end
of it, you were satisfied and content.

Nowadays, it¹s more like Pot Noodles: quick, convenient and fills a gap, but
you wouldn¹t want it every night.

To put great sex back on the menu, you¹ve got to put it on the brain.

³Great sex starts in the mind,² says body+soul¹s sex and relationship
columnist Dr Gabrielle Morrissey.

³Turning on your brain hours or days before you have sex triggers your
libido into action.²

Here¹s how.

Prime up for sex

Why is it that men can go from watching a slice-them-up scene in Dexter to
getting into bed and feeling instantly horny, while women get into bed and
start thinking about everything from making the kids¹ lunches to tomorrow¹s
work day?

³Women access different parts of the brains for multitasking, whereas men
generally focus on one thing before moving on to the next,² Dr Morrissey
says.

Studies show women need a transition time of about 10 to 30 minutes between
activities, so turn off the TV and take a sensual time-out before you even
hit the sack.

A loving foot massage, or a warm, inviting aromatherapy bath will do the
trick. Researchers from Toho University in Japan say lemon, sandalwood,
chamomile or bergamot are the best oils for arousal.

After your bath, lavish each other in a sensual body cream, focusing your
attention on every stroke to get your mind and body ready for sex.

Just say, ³Yes, yes, yesŠ²

Having sex can be like going to the gym. Your mind and body rebels against
it, but once you¹ve done it, you feel amazing. The standard wisdom says a
woman¹s sexual cycle moves from desire to arousal to orgasm.

But new research suggests that for women in long-term relationships, desire
often comes after arousal. So instead of listening to the little voice that
whispers ³Sleep, need sleep², be receptive to your lover¹s touch.

³Your brain will focus on any pleasure that is occurring and increase blood
flow to the area,² Dr Morrissey says. ³Even if it¹s just a quickie and you
don¹t orgasm, sex bio-chemically releases endorphins, the chemicals that get
us revved up and make us want to have more sex, more often.²

You can even kick-start your own arousal to get yourself in the mood.
³Tensing your PC muscles ­ that¹s the sling of muscles supporting the pelvic
floor and surrounding your genital organs ­ stimulates the first part of the
arousal process,² Dr Morrissey says.

Don¹t go to bed angry, go to bed sexy

Make-up sex after an argument can help you work out relationship issues.

³When anger and sexual desire come together, they are powerful forces that
create intense passion,² says relationship counsellor Celia Claxton. ³You
can go to bed fuming with anger, or you can release these emotions during
sex.²

The idea is to play with power dynamics in the bedroom by taking charge.
This makes the pleasure-seeking chemical dopamine surge, while testosterone
is fuelled by aggression, making for a mind-blowing orgasm.

However, don¹t have sex if you really don¹t want to, as it could lead to
simmering resentment. ³Having sex when you¹re completely disconnected will
make you feel more isolated,² Claxton advises. ³Instead, talk it out and try
to resolve the real issues before attempting to make love.²

Let your partner be your fantasy

Use your mind to trigger real desire for your partner. Dr Morrissey
recommends this exercise: sit across from each other, hold hands and stare
into each other¹s eyes. Without speaking, start to remember the last time
you made love and really enjoyed it.

³This exercise really makes the most of the mind-body connection, as you¹re
calling on a real experience, so your body will remember the feelings and
sensations,² she says.

It¹s akin to shuddering, when you recall a scary experience. Focus on the
little sexy details and the memory will ignite your body, making you feel
incredibly turned on. What is really sexy is seeing the arousal written
across your partner¹s face!

Start asking questions

One reason your mind may say, ³Not tonight, honey², is sheer boredom. But
it¹s not about just varying positions; you need to rediscover what you both
really want. ³Never stop asking questions like, ŒDo you like it when I do
this?¹² Dr Morrissey says. ³Then you¹ll be more confident to ask for what
you want in bed.²

Don¹t be afraid to look outside your own bedroom for inspiration. Dr
Morrissey¹s book, Spicy Sex (HarperCollins) has 52 sex recipes to turn up
the heat in the bedroom. Pick out something you like, then ask your partner
to do the same, and you¹ll have a new sexual repertoire in no time.

Morning glory

Mornings are the best time for sex, as your body has produced sex hormones,
including testosterone, overnight and, by daybreak, they are peaking. But if
there¹s no chance of setting the clock early for a sex session, use those
early-morning hormones to kick-start your mind in preparation for a night of
passion.

Just thinking about sex throughout the day can be enough to make you want it
that evening. So, instead of your usual peck goodbye, look deep into his
eyes and give each other a long lingering kiss, then whisper, ³Our bedroom,
10pm². Not only will your partner spend the day anticipating sex that night,
you¹ll be turning yourself on too.

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- FIRST COMES MARRIAGE

Modern Love in today's New York Times - much to ponder.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/07/fashion/07love.html?_r=1&emc=eta1


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13th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, The Shingle Creek,
Orlando, Florida, July 6-12, 2009 (General Conference July 8-11)
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