Nebraska / A fight a day / Obamas Elevator/ Women's Desire / Singles and the Economy - 1/25/09

[Smartmarriages]

- NEBRASKA MARRIAGE EDUCATION LEGISLATION PENDING
- YES, BUT HOW DID IT END?
- THE OBAMAS: MARRIAGE AS AN ELEVATOR RIDE
- THE LATEST ON WHAT DO WOMEN WANT, ANYWAY?
- THE ECONOMY AND SINGLES: CAN'T BUY ME LOVE

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- NEBRASKA MARRIAGE EDUCATION LEGISLATION PENDING

Requirements To Say "I Do" May Change
Jan 23, 2009
WOWT
    
Thinking of getting married in Nebraska? The state's rules may soon be
changing.

Senator Mark Christensen has introduced a bill that would increase the
marriage license fee to $75 and implement a ten-day waiting period. The
current fee is $15 with no waiting period.

As an incentive, the waiting period would be waived and the fee reduced back
to $15 if couples complete a marriage education course.

The bill would require, as proof of completion, an official state
certificate of completion created by Health and Human Services. The
certificate would show the couple completed at least eight hours of marriage
education and would be presented to the county clerk.

The Judiciary Committee held a public hearing on the bill Friday, January
23rd.

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All but a handful of the comments are very negative.  You might take a
minute and add some enlightenment:
http://www.wowt.com/news/headlines/38224874.html

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- YES, BUT HOW DID IT END?

Marriage Matters 
By James and Audora Burg
Sturgis Journal (Michigan)
Sat Jan 24, 2009

A friend forwarded some zingers that were worth a guilty chuckle: ³My wife
was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ŒI
want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about three seconds.¹ I
bought her a scale.  And then the fight started...²

Tit for tat, right? So here¹s one on the guy: he is unable to confirm his
age when applying for Social Security because his driver¹s license is at
home. The official asks him to unbutton his shirt, then pronounces his
silver chest hair is proof enough. ³When I got home, I excitedly told my
wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ŒYou
should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.¹ And
then the fight started...²

The insults go back and forth, and the pattern is maintained with the
refrain, ³And then the fight started.²

Yes, it¹s a joke, but we can¹t help ourselves, and thus we ponder, what sort
of marriage might this fictional couple have? The answer is not the
no-brainer one might expect: it depends on how the fights ended.

An online feature by Fiona McCade from last weekend¹s London Sunday Times
described the recipe for longevity practiced by Scotland¹s longest-married
couple: happiness comes from a daily ³row² (argument). They say they fight
more now than they did in the newlywed years.

Smart Marriages founder Diane Sollee posted the Times feature to her
listserv with this assessment: ³As we¹ve long said: it's not the
disagreements, but how you handle them that matters. And, you have to handle
them; avoiding disagreements is not the answer.²

If the punchline for the opening zingers was ³And then the fight started,²
the Scottish couple offered their own two-part non-punchline in an article
about them published at their 70th anniversary: ³Never go to bed without
making up what¹s caused any trouble during the day, and never criticize each
other in front of the children.²

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I might add that I advise couples that it's NOT necessary to make up BEFORE
you go to sleep, you CAN let the sun go down on an argument ­ you, the sun,
and your partner all have to get up in the morning.  What's important is
that you have the knowledge that couples do disagree (it's normal and simply
a sign that you're both paying attention and both care). Disagreement is
nothing to panic about or lose sleep over ­ it doesn't mean you've married
the wrong person and is not an early sign of impending marital collapse. You
can go to sleep with the confidence that you have the skills to manage the
disagreement in the morning, or next Tuesday night when you have time to
talk it through.  Go to sleep.  And, try cuddling to help both of you calm
down.   - diane 

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- THE OBAMAS: HOW TO USE AN ELEVATOR RIDE

Click to read Sheri & Bob's Stritof's Marriage Blog and see the elevator
photo AND vote.  

http://tinyurl.com/be64j2

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- THE LATEST ON *WHAT DO WOMEN WANT, ANYWAY?*

This cover story on Female Sexual Desire presents the latest research
differentiating male/female desire. Fascinating stuff .....one to clip,
discuss, ponder.  - diane
http://tinyurl.com/dlhydn

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- THE ECONOMY AND SINGLES: CAN'T BUY ME LOVE

I keep sending articles about how the economy is challenging marriages and
never gave a thought to what it does to the hunt.  - diane

Can't buy me love
It's hard to find a date when you're looking for a job
The Boston Globe 
By Meredith Goldstein
Globe Staff / January 24, 2009

Mark West doesn't date much. In fact, these days he doesn't date at all.

That's because dating costs money, and West, like many other unemployed
people, doesn't have any to spare. After losing his job five times in eight
years, West was recently laid off again, days after Christmas, from a
part-time job editing an education trade magazine. West, 39, has heard that
women don't mind paying their own way on dates, but he's old-fashioned. He
likes to cover the check.

"I haven't dated in the last couple of years," said West, who lives in
Arlington, where he spends most of his day job-hunting online. "Dating is
expensive."

Some singles have taken themselves out of the running for love during this
recession. Unlike couples and families, who may interact with each other
more when they're housebound, the single-and-jobless are often isolated by
cutting their entertainment budget. When there's no money to date, it means
suffering through a drought that's both professional and personal.

According to job counselors, it's a problem that primarily affects
heterosexual men. The US Labor Department has reported more men out of work,
while the number of employed women continues to rise. Even though the stigma
of unemployment has diminished during these bleak times, traditional gender
roles remain: Men are supposed to pursue dates and offer to pay.

"That is the way it is," said Jarrett Goetz, an unemployed 33-year-old from
the North End who assists start-up companies. "There's something that makes
us insist on doing so. It's some sort of programming."

Like West, Kevin Cain, 44, has also paused his search for romance. The
biotechnology marketer has been out of work for a year and has been actively
looking for jobs since April. He's now doing part-time catering work to help
cover his $3,000 mortgage in Hingham, earning a tenth of what he once made.
When he considers what it would cost to take a woman on a date he thinks:
"That's my electric bill."

"I haven't tried to date in at least six months," Cain said. "I can't afford
to take myself to dinner, let alone somebody else."

To Cain, it's not just about the money. It's also that he doesn't feel
dateable. He wants to meet a partner as a confident, self-supporting man.
Right now he's just a guy looking for work who can't afford more than a beer
when he goes out.

Cain acknowledged that "there are women out there who would be fine with the
situation." But he's not fine with it. "I'd like to date, and I enjoy the
company, but I just feel, like, inadequate. And when you're in the 'burbs
it's even worse."

Marilyn Santiesteban, client development manager at the human resources
consulting company King & Bishop, said she is not surprised that many
jobless singles stop dating. Echoing Cain's concerns about inadequacy, she
said it's not about the expense of dates as much as it is about self-worth.
"What changes is your personal perception of your power and your value," she
said. "That has to impact how you feel about dating in general."

Of course, for some singles, hibernating from the dating scene isn't an
option. Goetz, who works with start-ups, says finding a partner is a key
part of his happiness. He has kept his online dating membership, and
continues to have a few dates a week. He's just more conscious of what he
spends.

Rachel Levy, who keeps a blog from her Brookline condo about her employment
search, just spent $700 to join the matchmaking service LunchDates. She
doesn't have much cash to spare - she's been out of work since July - but
she considers the dating expense an investment in her future. Levy is 37.
She wants to get married. Waiting to find a mate until she has steady work
isn't wise, she said. She must pursue her romantic interests as aggressively
as she hunts for jobs.

"I don't really want to put this on hold just because I don't have a job,"
she said. "I realized at some point I'd been paying $30 a month or whatever
for JDate, plus the investment of my time. Maybe if I pay $700 I'll get
better results."

Levy says her employment search has, in fact, mirrored her search for a
romantic partner.

"There's the first round interview and a networking meeting at Starbucks,"
she joked. "The funny thing is, I do feel that networking has helped me in
dating. It's helped make me more comfortable."


© Copyright 2009 Globe Newspaper Company.