Like a Virgin / Like a Crusader / Like a Solution to Poverty - 1/15/09

[Smartmarriages]

- LIKE A VIRGIN
- LIKE A CRUSADER 
- SPECIAL MEMO TO PRESIDENT OBAMA ON HOW TO REDUCE POVERTY

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- LIKE A VIRGIN

³Like a Virgin² (Wall Street Journal, 1/6, on Janet Elise Rosenbaum¹s study
of virginity pledges among religious youth) is a welcome and measured
commentary. I have never thought a pledge is some magic bullet. My own
daughters have never taken a pledge although they have written ³North Star¹²
statements and wear a North Star ring. That ring was never labeled a
virginity ring, but more as a reminder of their values in several important
areas, sex being one of them. The ring is a symbolic reminder to help them
as they make their way through the teen and young adult years. It was part
of their 16th birthday ritual and celebration.
 
When people state, ³Abstinence education doesn't work² it ignores the fact
those programs are in their infancy and that we are ALL still in a learning
mode about how to best educate teens and young adults on risks and
protection basics on the one hand, and on the other hand how to strongly
encourage and empower them to develop healthy relationships and to wait on
sexual involvement. It¹s that latter part where conventional programs in
high school and college have been anemic. And, they are especially anemic on
conveying how and why waiting on babies until establishing a healthy
marriage really, really matters to children and parents. This latter message
­which is highly compelling in motivating youth (especially young males) if
conveyed well (e.g. you can always dump a jerk, but a child that results
cannot; it¹s not just about you, but about potentially messing up a child)
--is almost universally absent in high school and college initiatives.
 
My own daughters, almost 18 and 20 years old, are virgins. They are not
prudes; they are intelligent, gorgeous, confident, and cool. I have no
absolutist belief that they will be virgins at the time of marriage. Maybe
they will, or maybe they will be until they are engaged, or maybe they
won¹t. Maybe they will not marry. I cannot know or control this. But I do
know that they believe sex is something good, something special, something
with meaning that is meant to touch the soul and not just the body. They
know a fair amount about the development of good relationships and the kinds
of connections that build true intimacy. I do know that they know about the
pitfalls of early sex whether one is a teen or twenty-something. I do think
they are and will continue to be more conservative than the run of the mill
college coed, that they will assert their boundaries, values, and desires
and slowly pace their physical involvement in a serious relationship. They
have an appreciation of sex as something good in the right context.
 
And, I do believe their attitudes and behaviors are due almost exclusively
to what we have taught at home, certainly not because of what they got in
high school sex education, or in college workshops or from the general
culture. We¹ve had to actively counter much of that. What's sad is that
their father and I are immersed in ideas and information to be able to do
this home teaching (yes, with a moral and spiritual grounding, but without
formal religious support) but many, no, most, parents aren't versed or
immersed or supported in similar ways. There should be more help from the
general culture and educational initiatives to help parents in the ways of
talking to kids beyond just ³wait till marriage² or just STD, safer sex and
birth control information. Parents count and they are the first and most
important teachers.
 
Marline Pearson
Author of Love Notes: Making Relationships Work for Young Adults and Young
Parents. Co-author with Scott Stanley and G.K. Rhoades of Within My Reach.
Author of Love U2: Relationship Smarts Plus.
-----------------------------------
You'll be excited to hear that Marline is working on a North Star €coming of
age* program (talking points, rituals, statement, ring, and suggested books
and movies) to help parents guide and encourage their daughters as they turn
16 to identify their core values and to avoid sex, drugs and missteps. She
promises it will be ready by 2010.  In the meantime, all the Parent-Teen
connection activities are all there in her LoveU2 curricula - in the
Relationship Plus package or in the New Love Notes.  She'll be available to
answer your questions at the Dibble Exhibit Booth and she'll present both
programs in Orlando in her pre-conference 2-day training Institute:

> 116 Two Day - Tuesday & Wednesday, July 7 & 8 in ORLANDO
> School & Youth Marriage Education Programs
> LoveU2: Relationships Plus - Marline Pearson, MA
> We have to start with the kids! These research-based programs teach students
> the skills and knowledge that are central to building and maintaining healthy
> marriages. Curricula easily adapted to classroom, church, agency, and youth
> group settings. Click for information on training options:
> http://www.smartmarriages.com/school.html

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- LIKE A CRUSADER 

Another of our presenters, Mike McManus who will present twice at the
Orlando Smart Marriages conference, once in a Masters Session on his
Community Marriage Policy model and in a Saturday morning workshop on his
new campaign to reform Divorce Legislation.  Here is his three-part series,
that along with his book *How To Cut America's Divorce Rate in Half*, were
written to launch the campaign.  If you can't make his workshop, attend his
Fri morning Divorce Legislation Roundtable or stop at his Exhibit.  - diane


A New Year's Resolution: Cut America's Divorce Rate In Half
January 1, 2009
by Mike McManus

 I'd like to propose a New Year's resolution that could preserve a half
million marriages a year now ending in divorce by cutting America's divorce
rate in half.

 The biggest winners of such an achievement would be 500,000 kids who would
not experience their parents divorce.  Children are the innocent victims who
deserve a bright future.

 I wrote a 101 page book this year outlining how such a reform could occur,
How To Cut America's Divorce Rate in Half: A Strategy Every State Should
Adopt.  I suggest that state legislators and governors be asked this
question:

 "Though a divorce is opposed in four out of five cases by one spouse, it is
always 
granted. Should couples with children be required to obtain written mutual
consent for the dissolution of their marriage if there are no allegations of
major fault such as proven adultery or physical abuse?"

 In 48 states No Fault Divorce Law no longer requires proof of major fault
to get a divorce. One spouse simply claims the marriage has "irreconcilable
differences," and divorce is always granted. Yet in 80 percent of the cases,
their spouse says the marriage is reconcilable, according to Andrew Cherlin
and Frank Furstenburg in their book, Divided Families.

 The key moral question, which every pastor, teacher, social worker, lawyer
and parent must answer is this: should a marriage, entered into willingly by
two people, be dissolved unilaterally by one unhappy parent - or should both
parents have an equal voice in the decision?

 To put it differently, shouldn't the parent most committed to the marriage
and to the children have an equal voice in a decision that will change their
lives forever?

 Billy Miller came home for lunch one day to discover that his wife was gone
along with most of the furniture and their teenage daughter and son. It was
a shock that made him feel "total devastation."

 If he had had a voice on the divorce, he would have said no.  It shattered
their children, two of whom have had babies out-of-wedlock and a third is
divorced. Without a model of how a husband and wife make a marriage work,
children of divorce find it difficult to bond with someone of the opposite
sex.           

 Did his ex-wife create a happier life?  No. Within four years she married a
high school boyfriend who deserted his wife to marry her. He kicked her out
after just four months.  She married a third time, but it lasted only 8
months. Billy remains her friend, and he prays for her return.

 Billy is now a divorce reformer.  His local newspaper published his recent
letter with questions that deserve answers from the legal profession, clergy
and state legislators:

 1.  "Is marriage a legally binding agreement between two citizens?  If it
is not, why should it be registered with the legal system, the local courts
and the state?

 2.  "If it takes two people in agreement to initiate a legally binding
contract, and two people in agreement to end a legally binding contract,"
why can one spouse terminate a marriage?

 3.  "The person breaching a (typical) contract is generally the one
penalized. How is it fair in divorce to punish the one who is not breaching
the contract and, at the same time, reward the one who is?  The one
objecting to the granting of the divorce is deprived of all rights as the
divorce is granted.

 "Saddam Hussein received more justice than do American citizens who want to
keep their marriage and family intact," Billy Miller wrote.

 No Fault Divorce is also unconstitutional. The 5th and 14th Amendments to
the Constitution guarantee that "No person be deprived of life, liberty or
property without due process of law."

 Where is "due process" if the divorce is always granted?

 Miller writes, "Due process is: hearing what you did wrong (accusations),
with proof; offering a defense against those accusations; hearing the
judge's decision based on the evidence presented, and the right to appeal
that decision."

 You can take a personal responsibility to help reform No Fault Divorce.
How?

 1.  Call or write your state representative or state senator, asking them
to reform the law.

 2.  Ask your pastor to not only support this change, but to seek the
backing of other clergy in the community, to ask state legislators for
divorce reform.

 3.  Ask your local legal community, the Bar Association, to support divorce
reform.

 In short, will you declare a New Year's Resolution to help reform No Fault
Divorce with Mutual Consent Divorce in cases involving minor children?

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January 8, 2009
(second of three parts)
Cut the Budget Deficit - With Fewer in Need
by Mike McManus

 President-Elect Barack Obama warned this week that government is likely to
be left with "trillion-dollar deficits for years to come" unless officials
"make a change in the way that Washington does business."

 "We're going to have to stop talking about budget reform. We're going to
have to totally embrace it. It is an absolute necessity."

 How? The most strategic - and least considered - way to cut the deficit is
to reduce the number of needy who seek welfare, food stamps, housing and tax
subsidies. "A huge proportion of federal welfare costs are driven by
divorce," asserts Dr. Pat Fagan of the Family Research Council. "Divorce is
the main entry for families going into poverty."
 
 In my recent book, How To Cut America's Divorce Rate in Half: A Strategy
Every State Should Adopt, I propose that if a couple has minor children,
that both parents should have to agree on any divorce. At present No Fault
Divorce grants every divorce applied for by one partner, although their
spouse opposes the divorce in four out of five cases.

 The goal of the law should be preserving the family and the marriage - but
the law's current bias is to destroy it.

 However, state Legislatures are dominated by attorneys, especially on
Judiciary Committees that would consider any reform of divorce law. Some of
those legislators profit from divorce - and likely would oppose any Divorce
Reform that would cut business.

 Why should those who benefit personally from the law have the final voice
on it?

 Much of law is written by the special interests.  However, President-Elect
Obama has a new important reason to trump self-serving "family law
attorneys" - trillion dollar deficits as far as the eye can see.

 Therefore, I propose that the Federal Government pass a law to withhold
some federal aid to encourage each state to reform "No Fault Divorce."

 When Welfare Reform was passed by Congress in 1996, the Federal Government
was paying $16.5 billion as its share to support those on public assistance,
with states matching federal funds, though only the wealthiest states
matched federal funds on a 50-50 basis.

 Governors persuaded Congress to convert the federal payment from a matching
grant to a "block grant" that would remain unchanged, even if the number of
people on welfare fell. Welfare Reform did reduce rolls by more than 60%, a
great success.  So the states are getting a $10 billion "Welfare Reform
Surplus."

 I urge Obama to ask Congress to withhold 10 percent of those funds, $1
billion, until each state gives an equal voice to both parents of minor
children on a divorce proposed by either the father or mother.

 There is an interesting precedent for such an initiative.  In 1982 when
Candy Lightener's daughter was killed by a drunk driver, she created Mothers
Against Drunk Driving, MADD. Her proposal to reduce drunk driving was to
raise the age at which liquor could be sold from 18 in many states, to 21..
She met with then Gov. Jerry Brown of California, who said he was
sympathetic.  Yet nothing happened.

 However, MADD persuaded Congress to amend the Federal Transportation Law to
reduce it by 10% until state legislatures raised the drinking age to 21.
After the amendment was passed, every state promptly raised the age to 21.
No state lost a dollar of federal aid.

 Similarly in 2000, MADD persuaded Congress to pass an amendment to define
"drunk driving" as .08 Blood Alcohol Content (BAC).  Most states were at .1
BAC and five defined drunk driving as 1.5 BAC, which is falling down drunk.
Again, all states passed the reform.

 Result: drunk driving deaths dropped from 30,600 to 17,600.

 If Congress passed a 10% cut of the Welfare Reform Surplus, and all states
passed enabling legislation to give both parents a voice on divorce, how
much would the federal deficit be reduced?  FRC's Pat Fagan estimates the
figure at $40 to $50 billion. Compared to the estimated $1.2 trillion
deficit projected for this year, that is a modest sum.

 However, Fagan adds, "It's a great long-term strategy to help the family as
well as the taxpayer." .

 A half million fewer children each year would experience a parental
divorce.  That, in turn, would mean that fewer children would be expelled
from school, become pregnant or incarcerated   Over a decade, 5 million more
children would grow up in intact homes.

 Surely, that's a goal worth working for.


##################################
January 14, 2009
How To Reform No Fault Divorce
(Third of three parts)
by Mike McManus

 After two weeks and dozens of calls, the top person in the American Bar
Association talked to me about No Fault Divorce.  What Anita Ventrelli,
Chair of the ABA's Family Law Section, said was shocking.

 I asked her if divorce is a law suit.  She said it was, which will surprise
many spouses.  I then asked whether there was any defense one spouse could
give in court against their partner's claim that the marriage had
"irreconcilable differences."

 "I don't know of one," she replied.

 "What if the other spouse says the marriage IS reconcilable?"

 "The court holds that as long as one party to the marriage does not want to
be married, you do have irreconcilable differences.  Both people do not have
to agree."

 I responded, "So the spouse trying to save the marriage always loses?"

 "I would not agree that in having to be divorced, someone who does not want
to be divorced - is losing, as long as they are treated fairly," Ventrelli
asserted.

 That's nonsense.  First, as she later acknowledged, "In every lawsuit some
are winning and some are losing."  Second, if the ABA's top divorce lawyer
can't think of any defense, the law is corrupt, utterly biased, and rigged
to destroy America's most important institution, the family. Who benefits?
Only the lawyers!

 In any other law suit, the sued person always can get their day in court
and can present evidence arguing the case. The judge hears both sides and
makes a decision based on which person's evidence is most compelling.

 Not in Family Law Court.  The person suing for divorce ALWAYS wins.

 I asked Ventrelli, "What about the 5th and 14th Amendments guaranteeing
that "no person be deprived of life, liberty or property without the due
process of law?"  

 She replied that if No Fault were unconstitutional, "We would not have it
any more.  No Fault is not an unconstitutional taking of life, liberty or
property."

 That's an Alice in Wonderland response. The law is not constitutional
because it exists, but because it has not been successfully challenged.  How
is it constitutional for the opponent of a No Fault divorce to ALWAYS lose?
And lots of life, liberty and property are taken in a divorce.

 Consider the case of "Dr. Peter Hopkins," 53, who didn't want a divorce,
but was so determined to remain in the lives of his kids that he spent
$250,000 in attorney's fees.  To do that he had to liquidate his retirement,
taking a 50% cut (due to taxes), making his real cost $500,000. The result
is he sees the kids for 48 hours every other weekend, one weekday per week,
alternate holidays and four weeks in the summer.

 The physician asserts, "No Fault Law is unconscionable.  It is un-American.
How can the law deny the accused the right to defense?"

 What's needed is to reform No Fault Divorce.  Peter Hopkins should have to
agree to his wife's desire to divorce.

 He says, "If there is marital conflict the couple should demonstrate
they've made an effort to resolve it.   When that has occurred, and both
agree to divorce, it should be granted. Without mutual consent, there needs
to be a clear and objective fault by a high evidentiary standard such as
recalcitrant infidelity or unrelenting acts of violence. The law's bias
should favor maintenance of the marriage and the intact family - not its
destruction.  

"As a physician I have seen there's tremendous hope in the most hopeless
situations. After someone is crushed by severe trauma or disease, I've seen
them recover and adapt in remarkable ways," Hopkins said.

            "In America we have no system for treating the marriage as we
doctor patients. The law presumes the marriage is dead on arrival. A mere
assertion by one spouse that the marriage is dead is sufficient to abandon
any hope of treating it.  If we applied this logic to the practice of
medicine we would assume that all patients with serious disorders are
hopeless and withdraw all treatment from them."

 My new book, How To Cut America's Divorce Rate in Half, proposes a
"Modified No Fault Law" in which both parents of young children would have
to agree to the divorce, if major fault is not proven. Childless couples and
those with adult children could still get a No Fault Divorce. The proposed
change is modest but it could cut the divorce rate in half.

 "By giving the spouse who wants to save the marriage an equal voice with an
unhappy mate, many marriages could be restored, perhaps saving most of
them," asserts Evansville, IN Catholic Bishop Gerald Gettelfinger.

 END TXT  Copyright ® 2009 Michael J. MManus
    
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 - SPECIAL MEMO TO PRESIDENT OBAMA ON HOW TO REDUCE POVERTY
In this special report, January 13, 2009, Robert Rector lays out Obama's
stated goals, the fact, and the solutions.  This is one to print and keep
handy.  - d
- http://www.heritage.org/Research/Family/sr45.cfm


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13th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, Shingle Creek Resort,
Orlando, Florida, July 6-12, 2009 (General Conference July 8-11)
Pre-Conference Training Institutes July 6-8
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