Weiner-Davis: Trash-Talking and Sex-Starved Wives / More Marriage Week Celebrations - 1/12/09

[Smartmarriages]

- WIENER-DAVIS:  TRASH-TALKING AND SEX-STARVED
- TRASH-TALK BUSTING
- THE SEX-STARVED WIFE IN PAPERBACK
- MORE MARRIAGE WEEK CELEBRATIONS
- ASHLAND NEBRASKA HOSTS MARRIAGE SAVERS
- MISSISSIPPI GETS TOOLED UP FOR MARRIAGE WEEK!
- FAMILIES NORTHWEST 7 DAY LOVE CHALLENGE

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- WIENER-DAVIS:  TRASH-TALKING AND SEX-STARVED
(Can't help but wonder if there's a connection? - diane)

You'll have several opportunities to spend time studying with Michele
Weiner-Davis at the Orlando Smart Marriages: a two-day training Institute on
her highly-effective solution-focused Divorce Busting model; a 90-minute
workshop on her out-of-the-box programs; and a keynote on
Infidelity-Busting. My suggestion: buy her books in advance so that you can
get the most out of time spent with her.  Each year a few more people
qualify to become Divorce Busting Coaches (I imagine if you study-up in
advance, your chances improve) but even if you don't plan to become a DB
Coach, your work with couples as a clinician, lay educator, pastor, etc will
be greatly enhanced by exposure to her approach.  Books here new and used on
Amazon:  Divorce Busting; Divorce Remedy; Sex-Starved Wife; Sex-Starved
Marriage: 
http://www.smartmarriages.com/app/Media.Booklist

- diane

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- TRASH-TALK BUSTING
(Julie Baumgardner is co-chair of the FREE Fireproof Marriage Ministries
track at the Orlando Smart Marriages Conference and will also present
several times on marketing strategies and tools for marriage educators.)

Wives Behaving Badly
The Washington Times
Dec 21, 2008 
By Julie Baumgardner

> According to Weiner Davis, people often understand the danger in talking
> with a person of the OPPOSITE sex about these problems. But, what they
> sometimes don¹t get is that talking negatively about your marriage to
> ANYBODY on a regular basis can be a very slippery slope.


A few years ago therapist and author Michele Weiner Davis was facilitating a
group of women who wanted to improve their marriages. As the evening
progressed she noted that it started to feel like a male-bashing session.
Wives were saying things like, ŒHusbands are always preoccupied.¹ ŒI feel
like I have another child.¹  ŒMy husband never does anything to help.¹
After listening for a few minutes she asked these ladies this question, ³If
your husband were here and you weren¹t, would he say you were more
complimentary or critical of him?²

At that moment it was as if a light bulb went on for many of the wives.  One
woman said she recently returned home to see that her husband had mowed
their 3 acre spread and her only comment was, ŒYou missed a spot under the
tree.¹

³I think women are likely to notice so much more easily the things that
aren¹t getting done,² said Ms. Weiner Davis. ³If they happen to notice what
does get done, since women are often perfectionists, the only thing husbands
hear is what they aren¹t doing right.  Who wants that?²

There seems to be a cultural phenomenon these days where women complain to
other women about their husbands as a means of connection.  There is a sense
of camaraderie when you discover other people feel the exact same way you
do. Plus, since there is a consensus among women about their complaints, it
leads to one and only one conclusion- men must be to blame.  But there are
problems with the blame game.

³I think what women don¹t realize is that the more you complain about your
husband the more fuel it adds to the fire,² said Ms. Weiner Davis.  ³It
doesn¹t make you want to go home and be more loving toward your husband.  It
reinforces the idea that you are stuck and you don¹t know what to do, which
leads to a sense of helplessness and isn¹t a very good feeling. And while it
may feel good at the moment to complain, it is also disrespectful to your
husband, who isn¹t there to tell his side of the story.  In short, it isn¹t
productive to the relationship.²

Weiner Davis contends that all the complaining does is reinforce the idea
that men are bad and there is nothing wives can do about it.

³That simply is not the case,² said Ms. Weiner Davis.  ³Each of us as women
needs to be more conscientious about the energy we are generating, the kind
of stories we are telling about our relationships and the way these stories
make us feel.  Although it might help to know that you¹re not the only woman
in the world experiencing a certain emotion, you only have to talk to your
girlfriend one time to make that determination.  After that, you¹re just
wallowing in your helplessness.

What if girlfriends were agents of change instead of just shoulders to lean
on when the going gets tough?  Instead of saying, ³What¹s your husband
thinking?² ³Why is he acting that way?² could you imagine yourself saying,
³Girlfriend, I know it¹s hard for you, but how could you handle things
differently in your marriage?² ³What could you say or do that might lead to
a better outcome?²

According to Weiner Davis, people often understand the danger in talking
with a person of the opposite sex about these problems. But, what they
sometimes don¹t get is that talking negatively about your marriage to
anybody on a regular basis can be a very slippery slope.

³If you are going to open up and talk about your most intimate relationship
you better make sure you are talking to marriage-friendly people and that
they have weathered many marital storms and come out the other side,² said
Ms. Weiner Davis. 

If you have been talking badly about your husband, Ms Weiner Davis would
encourage you to do the following:

·      Don¹t look at exiting your marriage as the solution to the problem.

·      Find someone to confide in who truly understands the trials and
tribulations of marriage.

·      Notice the positive in your relationship and verbalize it to your
spouse.

·      Talk productively with your husband about your feelings and what you
would like to do differently rather than what you are unhappy about.

·      Don¹t expect your husband to read your mind. If you need something
done ask instead of being angry because he didn¹t figure it out on his own.

·      When you go to sleep at night think about those things for which you
can be grateful. 

·      Recognize and acknowledge that sometimes your expectations of your
husband are unrealistic.

·      Don¹t participate in negative conversations either actively or
passively.

·      Be a positive influence with your girlfriends. Help your friends do
all the above.

As the saying goes, it takes two people to tango, but it only takes one
person to change how

you dance.  The next time you find yourself in the midst of a husband
trashing session resist the urge to jump in with the best of them.  Who
knows, you might find that others will follow your lead and the conversation
can move from tearing down marriage to a constructive conversation about
what you can do differently to move your marriage from good to great.

Julie Baumgardner is the Executive Director of First Things First, an
organization dedicated to strengthening marriages and families through
education, collaboration and mobilization. She can be reached at
julieb at firstthings.org <mailto:julieb at firstthings.org> .

#################################
- THE SEX-STARVED WIFE IN PAPERBACK

By Vick Mickunas  | January 10, 2009
Dayton Daily News (Ohio)

The ³self-help² category is one of the most lively genres in non-fiction.
One book that has been creating ripples of excitement in this area is THE
SEX-STARVED WIFE - What to Do When He¹s Lost Desire (Simon and Schuster) by
Michele Weiner Davis.

This book was a best seller in hardcover. The paperback version just came
out. It¹s one of those books that flies beneath the radar. Lots of people
are reading this one but you probably won¹t see them riffling through it on
the subway or on an airliner. Even on an oceanlinerŠ

Weiner Davis attempts to disabuse her readers of that timeless fantasy that
it is always the guy who is never satisfied.

I won¹t delve into the particulars here. You¹ll need to obtain a copy for
yourself if this topic is of interest.I wonder if this book is available at
your local library?

Can you check on that for me? Call around - if you find any copies being
loaned out by our local libraries I would be curious to know which branches
have made it available? Libraries perform the ultimate public service in my
viewŠknowledge is power.

By the way, if a male librarian answers the phone please don¹t ask him if he
has a sex-starved wife. Instead, you might ask him if he has Prince Albert
in a canŠ.(I¹m joking!Šif you remember that joke then you must remember the
correct answer, tooŠ)

Vick Mickunas 
Book Nook provides readers with insights into the world of books. Vick
Mickunas takes you into the center of the publishing world with the latest
book buzz, book reviews, and exclusive chats with authors..

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- MORE MARRIAGE WEEK CELEBRATIONS

- ASHLAND NEBRASKA HOSTS MARRIAGE SAVERS

The Ashland Nebraska Ministerial Association will host Mike and Harriet
McManus for a Valentine's Day Marriage Savers Training Conference for
pastors and mentor couples Feb. 13-14, 2009.

After signing our Community Marriage policy at City Hall on Friday
afternoon, the McManus' will lead a weekend training to teach churches to
become marriage saving congregations.  This conference will feature training
in PREPARE/ENRICH besides many other tools for helping premarital and
marriage enrichment.

Conveniently located between Lincoln and Omaha, we even have people flying
in to attend this training, which is being offered at cost (materials only).
Register by Jan. 31 http://frcoulter.com/MarriageSaversAshlandNE.pdf or
email for information on daycare.

Rev. Gary Coulter, Ashland Ministerial Association
ashlandministerial at windstream.net

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- MISSISSIPPI GETS TOOLED UP FOR MARRIAGE WEEK!

10 Great Dates will be used to introduce Marriage Education and to launch
other programs across the state during Marriage Week. To prepare, this
Tuesday Jan 13th, David and Claudia Arp train people from across the state
in one central location in a full-day training.  Visit the Mississippi
website for all kinds of innovative ideas - watch beautiful sample videos,
see how they're using all kinds of free PR materials ­ you can copy as a
model for your state or community region.
http://msucares.com/marriage/greatdates_leaders.html

To line up a training with Dave and Claudia, contact them here:
http://www.marriagealive.com

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- FAMILIES NORTHWEST 7 DAY LOVE CHALLENGE

Families Northwest is preparing a ³7 DayLoveChallenge" to celebrate Marriage
Week/2009 to invite couples to commit to show their love for one another
throughout the week. Each day a simple challenge will be given to couples to
help them to fan the flames in their marriage. Churches and organizations
throughout the Pacific Northwest have signed up, but we hope you'll share
the website with the Smart Marriages list as the program is designed to work
anywhere: http://www.7daylovechallenge.com
 
In addition to the Challenge, we've also created a Marriage Packet to
promote National Marriage Week. This material can be used in churches,
community groups, schools, etc. The material can be downloaded for free at
http://www.FamiliesNW.org or we can ship them to anyone in the country for
$10. 
 
We are using the "7DayLoveChallenge" as an onramp to raise the awareness
that working on your marriage is the best thing you can do, not only on
Valentine's Day, but for a lifetime.
 
Noel Meador, MA
noel.meador at familiesnorthwest.org
Communications & Marketing Director
Families Northwest
425.679.5288
http://www.familiesnw.org/

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