Marriage Retreat in Uppsala! / Texas legislation/ First Couple - 2/28/09

Sat Feb 28 13:20:44 EST 2009

- MARKMAN/LOVE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS RETREAT IN SWEDEN
- DIVORCE LEGISLATION
- FIRST COUPLE 

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- MARKMAN/LOVE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS RETREAT IN SWEDEN

Wouldn't we all love to do this one!

In Uppsala, Sweden, June 6-7, 2009!

> Love Your Relationship Retreat: Howard Markman A little PREP goes a long way!
> Join us for the best of PREP combined with a luxurious, romantic getaway 
> immerse yourselves in a weekend devoted to learning, connecting,
> communicating, loving and playing. Howard Markman, author of the best-selling
> Fighting For Your Marriage and co-founder of PREP will present the workshop
> and lead activities focused on enhancing and protecting the positive
> connections between partners: friendship, fun, love, passion. For
> details and additional locations: http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory/62

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- DIVORCE LEGISLATION

Of the many divorce legislation efforts across the country, based on Rep
Chisum's record and the expertise of his team of advisors, this one may have
the best odds of success.  I'm told by Texans that The Austin American is
viewed as a somewhat liberal paper.  In Orlando, there will be two Divorce
Reform workshops and a Divorce Legislation morning roundtable.   - diane

Sanchez: How to achieve 'happily ever after'
Austin American 
Ashley Sanchez, REGULAR CONTRIBUTOR
February 27, 2009

The majority of Americans hope to get married and live happily ever after.

But the high rate of divorce and the declining rate of marriage suggest
that we might not know how. As with any knowledge deficit, education can
help fill the gap.

During the 2007 legislative session, Rep. Warren Chisum, R-Pampa,
introduced a bill to give a discount on marriage licenses to couples who
attend premarital education classes. The bill passed and went into effect
last year.

This session, Chisum is proposing education for couples on the other end
of the marriage spectrum. HB 480 would apply to couples who have minor
children in the home and file for divorce based on the grounds of
insupportability (the category chosen by Texas' couples seeking a no-fault
divorce, he explained to me). Those couples would have to submit with the
divorce petition proof that at least one of them had completed a crisis
marriage education course.

The bill stipulates that the course must be at least 10 hours long and
"include instruction in: 1) conflict management; 2) communication skills;
and 3) forgiveness skills." Chisum told me that because those skills are
beneficial in many aspects of people's lives, the courses wouldn't do any
harm. Moreover, though the bill wouldn't help every couple avoid divorce,
he said, "This is an effort to put as many back together as we can."

Chisum is not trying to trap people in bad marriages. The bill explicitly
waives the education requirement for marriages with violence or abuse,
whether it's mental, emotional, psychological or verbal.

The bill also stipulates that only one partner is required to attend the
class. Thus, a spouse cannot trap the other in the marriage by refusing to
attend. Both partners are encouraged to attend, however, by the bill's
provision that a judge can use a partner's refusal to take the class as a
factor in other aspects of the divorce settlement, such as the division of
the estate.

Chisum's bill seems to have no negatives. At worst, it eats up 10 hours of
someone's time, an amount similar, I would guess, to the average time that
separated spouses spend just in the first month shuttling the children
between their two homes. And if their marriage isn't restored, they might
well find that their divorces are more amicable and their future
relationships better because of the skills they acquire during the course.

At its best, the bill would help couples who would otherwise have divorced
learn the skills they need to nurse their relationship back to health and
happiness. That's a victory for the adults and children alike.

Because Chisum said that Michael Smalley, founder and executive director
of the Smalley Marriage and Family Center in The Woodlands, has been
conducting such courses successfully, I asked Smalley about his program.

Of the couples in struggling marriages who participated, Smalley found
that eight years later, 87 percent were satisfied and still together.

Though his data comes from an in-house longitudinal study, other research
has documented the effectiveness of a variety of marriage programs across
the country.

Even in the absence of a program, however, unhappy couples can turn things
around. A 2002 Institute for American Values' report (from a team led by
University of Chicago sociology professor Linda J. Waite) found that among
couples who were in troubled marriages, 64 percent of those who stuck it
out were happily married five years later. Furthermore, "(u)nhappily
married adults who divorced or separated were no happier, on average, than
unhappily married adults who stayed married."

The report notes that divorce itself can bring "new sources of distress,
from financial troubles to new relationship problems with the ex." At the
report's end, the authors explain that good and bad marriages might not be
fixed opposites, "but the same marriage at two different points in time.
.... If marriage is no panacea, neither is divorce."

Of course, plenty of people testify that their divorce did, in fact, make
them much happier than did their miserable marriage. No legislation
threatens their right to choose that path, and our society is widely
accepting of that decision.

Marriage education in general, and Rep. Chisum's bill in particular,
simply provide a relatively low-cost opportunity to help some couples
achieve their happily ever after.

http://www.statesman.com/opinion/content/editorial/stories/02/27/0227sanchez
_edit.html

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- FIRST COUPLE 

Here's a great example of how to use a current news hook to submit an
article to your local media.  Elizabeth will present several times at
Orlando Smart Marriages including a one-day post-conference Institute on
Strengthening Stepfamilies, http://www.smartmarriages.com/step.track.html
-diane 

The Ithaca Journal 
February 27, 2009

First Couple a model of a healthy marriage
Elizabeth Einstein / Guest Column

Never has a presidential marriage created such a commotion. The press had a
heyday with the romantic couple in the White House, and the photo of the
First Couple dancing at the Inaugural Ball made international headlines. A
glimpse of the affectionate Obamas, in what is called the "elevator photo,"
reveals them stealing a kiss in an elevator - in front of others. For those
of us in the field of marriage education, the real excitement from the
election is in witnessing the healthy marriage model the Obama family
presents to our citizens.

This is important because, in 1996, Congress followed findings that said
marriage is the foundation of a successful society and that marriage is an
essential institution of keeping a society strong. Congress encouraged
states to strengthen marriages which promote the interests of children and
communities. The Administration for Families and Children funded $150
million annually for promoting healthy marriages and fatherhood. Legislation
was important, but having our First Family to show us the way is truly
powerful.

Obama already teaches important realities we in the marriage movement have
long promoted in our books, classes and programs - awareness and skills. In
an Ebony interview, he shared that as he matured he realized that while
Michelle appreciates the flowers he sends, she'd rather have him carve out
quality time from his busy schedule. "That's the evidence that she knows I'm
thinking about her and actually paying attention to the things she cares
about. Time is always an important factor." Not having enough time in our
busy world is the bane for all, and not taking time for creating quality
relationships begins a downhill slippery slope for marriage. Much of my work
with couples involves helping them shift from the unromantic rut they've
fallen into to re-vitalizing their marriages to become what both partners
long for.

During February, the Coalition for Marriage, Family & Couple Education, to
which I belong, focuses on National Marriage Week. How fitting that our
nation's leader offers the chance to witness a healthy marriage. What does a
"healthy marriage" look like? First, it is mutually enriching; second, each
spouse has a deep respect for one another. Third, the marriage is committed
to ongoing growth, the use of effective communication, parenting and
conflict management skills. Hopefully, the effect of observing this fine
marriage model trickles down and encourages couples to strengthen their
marriages and gain the benefits that social scientists identify.

And there are many. Researchers find that children who live within a healthy
marriage succeed more academically, have fewer behavioral problems and are
more likely to attend college. Emotionally and physically healthier, these
youths are less likely to attempt suicide, abuse drugs or use alcohol.
Because they have better relationships with their parents or stepparents,
children experience less physical or sexual abuse, and they are less likely
to be sexually active as teenagers, impregnate or become pregnant, or
contract sexually transmitted diseases. Fewer children in healthy marriages
are raised in poverty. Because they grew up in a healthy family, their
chances of becoming divorced are reduced. They've learned what to do.

Married men and women also fare better. Many adult benefits parallel the
children's, but two significant ones are that they live longer and are
wealthier. Ultimately, when we have a higher percentage of couples in
healthy marriages, this trickles down to our communities. Physically and
emotionally healthy couples enjoy a higher rate of education, home ownership
and property values so communities benefit from lower crime statistics,
domestic violence rates, teenage pregnancy and juvenile delinquency. The
need for social services decreases.

The Coalition for Marriage, Family & Couple Education's annual conference is
called "Smart Marriages, Happy Families." That name says it all. By
supporting responsible child-rearing and strong skill-based marriage
education, we know that our community and our country can ensure that our
children grow up in a safe and loving home, the right of every child. The
best gift you can give your child is a healthy family - like the Obamas!

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13th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, Shingle Creek Resort,
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Pre-Conference Training Institutes July 6-8
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 12

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