Seinfeld Does Marriage!? / Scott Stanley on Money/Internet Reunion Danger! / TwoOfUs.org Interactive

[Smartmarriages]

- MONEY TROUBLES DRAW SOME COUPLES CLOSER
- SEINFELD REALITY SHOW: THE MARRIAGE REF
- INTERNET REUNIONS GROWING THREAT TO MARRIAGE
- TWO OF US. ORG
- MARRIAGE MEET THE JONES

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- MONEY TROUBLES DRAW SOME COUPLES CLOSER

Let's look at the silver lining: financial stress and disagreements give us
the opportunity to use marriage skills. :)  -d

Money troubles draw some couples closer
Relationships can deepen in shadow of economic crisis
By Colleen O'Connor
The Denver Post
Feb 26, 2009 

. . . . . Even in boom times, couples fight about money. A 2006 study by
Money magazine found that 84 percent of people said money creates tension in
marriage and that 15 percent fought about money several times a month.

The key to getting through the hard times is attitude, says SCOTT STANLEY, a
psychology professor at the University of Denver who with colleague Howard
Markham conducted a long-term survey of 1,500 committed couples.

"You can have trouble paying for stuff, but you're totally a team working
together," he said. "You probably get grinchy, but you're supporting each
other and pulling for each other."  . . . .
----------------------------
Advice on addressing a money crisis:

Don't let money events turn into conflicts about money issues.

"Just because the Visa bill came today and it's higher than someone expected
doesn't mean the moment you open it is the best time to deal with it," said
marital researcher Scott Stanley.

Instead, pick a regular time each week to talk about money.

"If you let it come up at any time, not only is there a sense of being out
of control, but there is no way to relax with each other," he said.

Plan for the weekly money date to last an hour. Don't just talk about
immediate problems, but also discuss goals and dreams.
. . . .  Be compassionate.

"Work together to develop a way of supporting each other emotionally,"
Stanley said. "It can be just listening or a hug."

Find out what works best for your partner, "then ramp it up a bit, and be
there for each other when life is beating on you."

For the full article: http://www.denverpost.com/breakingnews/ci_11786799

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- SEINFELD REALITY SHOW: THE MARRIAGE REF

At first I thought this had to be a joke, but it's for real.  And, I suppose
they'll find plenty of couples who'll participate.  - diane
-------------------------------

> Is Jerry Seinfeld returning to his old NBC stomping grounds?
> 
> Sweet fancy Moses, that's true! Jerry is producing a reality series called
> "The Marriage Ref," where a team of celebs help bickering couples work out
> their problems and get back on track.
> 
> The show "will feature opinionated celebrities, comedians and sports stars who
> will candidly comment, judge and offer different strategies for real-life
> couples in the midst of a classic marital dispute."
> 
> Seinfeld stresses the series is a comedy show, not a therapy show, not that
> there's anything wrong with those. " . . . . it's a comedy show. After nine
> years of marriage, I have discovered that the comedic potential of this
> subject is quite rich."
> 
> I think this is genius. It's like getting to talk back to Ray and Debra at the
> end of an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond (if you're a celebrity, comedian,
> or sports star). My dream "refs" are: Ray Romano, Kathy Griffin, Denis Leary
> (who has experience with the title), Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Ashton
> Kutcher, Ellen DeGeneres, and Oprah Winfrey. (Seinfeld's partnered with Oprah
> Winfrey Show exec producer Ellen Rakieten for the six-episode series, so O
> should be gettable.) Who would you like to see making the calls?

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- INTERNET REUNIONS: GROWING THREAT TO MARRIAGE

Facebook junkies: Is your marriage at risk?
By Aisha Sultan
ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH
Feb. 13 2009

A dear friend ran into big trouble at her 20-year high school reunion. She
ran into an old flame, and the chance encounter reignited old sparks.

The problem? They were both married. There was no happily ever after ‹ just
lots of gut-wrenching drama and one painful divorce.

Nowadays, no one has to buy a flattering dress and travel to a forgotten
hometown to reconnect with a former love. Virtual reunions take place daily
all over the Internet. With a few clicks on Classmates.com or with a bit of
searching on Facebook, you'll stumble across the one who broke your heart or
vice versa.

But think long and hard before sending that message or friend request. Nancy
Kalish, a developmental psychology professor at California State University
in Sacramento, has researched thousands of lost love reunions and has seen
the disastrous aftermaths.

"These feelings can come back," she warns. "And it will destroy you."

She's noticed that more people in their early 30s are becoming entangled in
an affair that can become an online addiction. Many are married and have
little children, she said.

Back when people had to physically track down a lost love, the process of
reuniting was more difficult and more deliberate. Now, it's casual. And the
intensity of resurfaced feelings can catch some people off guard. It can be
like a hit of cocaine for a recovering addict.

Kalish said some neuroscience research suggests that raging teenage hormones
are stored as sensory and emotional memories. Early loves may be imprinted
on the brain the way cocaine addiction is. When you see that person again or
chat online, the reconnection can trigger visceral feelings of being young
and in love.

And when you compare the rush of young love to the stability and security
of long-term commitments, it's easy to see which one is more heady and
addictive.

"It's happy marriages that are almost more at risk," she said. In her
surveyed group, 62 percent of rekindlers say they were married before they
reconnected; about half report they had good or excellent marriages.

But once they've restarted the old relationship, they have trouble
stopping, she said.

"They come to me crying, 'I have to get back to my marriage, and I don't
know how to get over these feelings.'"

Bill Mitchell, a private investigator in South Carolina who has been
catching philanderers for nearly four decades, says he has seen easy
Internet access as the source of more and more extramarital flings.

"They dig up their old past," he said.

And because they tend to be formerly intimate relationships, there are fewer
inhibitions.

Kalish suggests the best way to handle a blast from the past is to politely
respond: "It's good to hear from you," and offer some catch-up information.
If there is a second attempt at communication, she says it's best to gently
cut it off.

"But if you keep it up, and start reminiscing," she warns, "boy, that's it."

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- TWO OF US. ORG

Bookmark and forward this beautiful INTERACTIVE website developed by the
NHMRC, that provides people with direct access to relationship resources.

TwoOfUs.org plans to GET PEOPLE TALKING about the complexity of healthy
marriages and provide tools and tips for making relationships work during
challenging times. The site reaches out to young adults because they are the
group most likely to be considering marriage for the first time and are most
likely to access an online resource.

http://www.twoofus.org/twoofus-media-campaign/index.aspx

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- MARRIAGE MEET THE JONES

Marriage Meets the Joneses:
Relative Income, Identity, and Marital Status
Tara Watson, Williams College, University of Michigan, and NBER*
Sara McLanahan, Princeton University
February 24, 2009 

This study finds that a man¹s ³marriageability² appears to be related
not only to his actual income, but to how his income compares to the incomes
of the men in his and his girlfriend's social network....in other words, can
they see themselves as being able to get married and then *keep up with the
Joneses*.  Sorry, I don't have a link.

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