Mentor Couples/ Survey/ Regrets/ Health/ Asian & Pacific/ Reconciliation Law/ Tough Economy - 2/11/09

[Smartmarriages]

- CHURCH-BASED MARRIAGE-STRENGTHENING MARRIAGE MINISTRIES
- MARRIAGE THERAPIST SURVEY: RESEARCHER NEEDS 15 MIN
- 70% REGRET NOT HAVING MORE SEX
- HEALTH AND MARRIAGE
- ASIAN AND PACIFIC ISLANDER HEALTHY MARRIAGE INITIATIVE
- RECONCILIATION LAW
- COUPLES MUST FIND BALANCE IN TOUGH ECONOMIC TIMES
- HOW THE BAD ECONOMY CAN BE GOOD FOR YOUR MARRIAGE

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- CHURCH-BASED MARRIAGE-STRENGTHENING MARRIAGE MINISTRIES

> I was searching the internet for marriage/relationship training to help my
> husband and myself to better serve our congregation and found your site. We
> have been chosen to assist in the marriage ministry and we want to be able
> to present the best possible information to assist couples not only in our
> congregation also others in having a strong marriage relationship.
> 
> I am planning to attend the conference and I need to know do I have to
> choose my classes before I arrive or since this is my first attendance, will
> someone recommend the classes we should take? - Peggy


First, you've come to the right place!   And, if possible, you should bring
a group from your church so you can fan out and cover all the bases.  Read
about it here: http://www.smartmarriages.com/mentors.html

And, here: http://www.smartmarriages.com/training.html

And be sure you consider attending the Fireproof Marriage Ministry either
before or after the conference - sessions #117 and #908
http://www.smartmarriages.com/institutes.html

Read as much as you can - you will receive a 24-page brochure by March 1st -
and you should be able to pick your workshop and register by early May when
the prices change.  Your main frustration will be *so many choices, so much
you want to try*!  Bring a team. There's also a spouse and group discounts.
- diane  

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- MARRIAGE THERAPIST SURVEY: RESEARCHER NEEDS 15 MIN

This doctoral candidate has attended Smart Marriages and in her research
hopes to improve outcomes in Marital Therapy.  A good expenditure of 15 mins
of your time.  - diane

> I'm working on my dissertation titled "Influential Client Factors in Couples
> Therapy" at Virginia Tech and need your help. In this online survey, I ask
> therapists to reflect on a case of couples therapy and tell me their thoughts
> about what helped or hurt therapy's success. When you finish, you can enter a
> drawing to win an iPod Touch. This is not your average survey--it is
> individualized, interactive, and engaging. Participants need to have done
> couples therapy and be willing to take 15 minutes to reflect on a case. To
> participate, just click on the following link. The first two pages give more
> information and criteria, then the fun begins!
> 
> https://securec3.hostek.net/edpsychsurveys-com
> 
> Please pass this request to other therapists who might be willing to reflect
> on a particular case. Thank you so much for your input.
> Susan Perkins, M.A.
> Doctoral Candidate, Virginia Tech
> sperkins.research at gmail.com

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- 70% REGRET NOT HAVING MORE SEX

In case you're wondering what to do tonight, at least don't fall further
behind.....

> From The Sunday Times
> February 8, 2009
> The evolution of sex and marriage
> We can barely control our sexual appetites, but are hungry for happy,
> monogamous relationships
> Richard Girling
> 
> In one of his last appearances, Sir John Betjeman was asked whether there was
> anything in life that he regretted. The frail laureate didn¹t hesitate: ³I
> haven¹t had enough sex.² Probably nobody has. Betjeman was an entirely typical
> British pensioner. In 2006, 1,500 of them were polled and asked what in their
> lives they would change if they could have their time again ‹ 12% said they
> would give more time to study, 16% would start their own businesses, 21% marry
> a different spouse and 40% put more into savings. But 70%, granted a rerun,
> would have more sex. Not more children ‹ just more sex.

For the full article: http://tinyurl.com/agznhw

---------------
And remember, it's Wednesday....Business Time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU

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- HEALTH AND MARRIAGE

This one is by Ted Futris who will present in Atlanta on all the amazing
resources available to us through the USDA Extension.  It's great to get
health-benefits-of-marriage reminders out to the public - something at which
Extension excels.  -d


February 08, 2009
A healthy you, a healthy marriage
Times-Herald, Newnan, GA
By TED FUTRIS
University of Georgia

Research shows that individuals in healthy marriages are physically
healthier and live longer. They get sick less, are hospitalized less and
experience shorter hospital stays. They have lower rates of heart failure,
cancer and other diseases, too.

Taking care of yourself can have positive effects on your relationship. How
couples relate with one another is influenced by many things, including
personal histories, experiences and personality traits.

There are things you can do to maintain personal and marital health.

Keep a positive outlook. It may be easier said than done. In general,
happier people feel better and maintain more positive relationships. When
you have a negative experience, remain optimistic and reframe that
experience in a more positive light. Individuals have control over their
emotions, when they have them and how they experience and express those
emotions. Regulating negative emotions using various self-soothing
strategies, like taking a break or using humor when appropriate, is critical
for long-term relationship success.

Physical wellness equals emotional wellness. Taking care of your body will
make you feel better and influence how you relate with your partner. Eating
well and together as a family and getting enough rest helps couples interact
in more positive ways. Think back to the last time you were hungry or full
or the last time you were extremely tired. How patient were you with your
partner or with others? How well did you interact? Feeling nourished and
rested helps you focus on conversations and express your views in more
positive ways. Avoid bringing up important topics to discuss right before
bed, get your rest first and talk about it the next day.

Work out together. Physical activity promotes health and lowers the risk for
many types of diseases. It also benefits mental health and relationships. If
you don't do it already, consider finding ways to add physical activity to
your life. Take walks with your spouse or play tennis. The support you
provide each other to exercise increases the chances that you will continue
to exercise. Also, sharing this experience gives you time to connect with
each other. The companionship you develop through joint activities will
positively influence your satisfaction in your relationship.

The bottom line: Take care of yourself and your spouse and you will not only
have a healthy marriage, but you will live a healthier life.

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- ASIAN AND PACIFIC ISLANDER HEALTHY MARRIAGE INITIATIVE

ACF Asian and Pacific Islander Healthy Marriage and Strengthening Family
Initiative

The Administration for Children and Families (ACF) has launched the Asian
and Pacific Islander Healthy Marriage and Family Strengthening Initiative
(APIHMFSI), as a focused strategy within the Healthy Marriage Initiative.
The goal of the APIHMFSI is to address the unique cultural, linguistic,
demographic, and socio-economic needs of children and families in the Asian
and Pacific Islander community in order to promote strong families and
healthy marriages.
https://hhsu.learning.hhs.gov/communities/folders.asp?iFolderID=22436

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-  RECONCILIATION LAW

Reconciliation Law (RL) - a new approach taking hold in Texas.

> For Better or for Worse
> Hope and Peace CentralTo Houston Attorney's NewReconciliation Law Proposal
> By Jenny B. Davis
> Texas Lawyer
> February 09, 2009

> . . . . The idea of reconciliation isn't for everyone. Hiller acknowledges
> that if one spouse wasn't at least contemplating divorce, he or she never
> would have called a lawyer in the first place. But Hiller maintains that a
> large percentage of the clients he sees every day are confused about what they
> want, and many don't know about marriage counseling or coaching. In Texas,
> relationship counseling isn't mandatory before marriage, and counseling is not
> a requirement to get a divorce, Hiller says.
> 
> It's those clients ‹ "the people who really aren't sure" ‹ who Hiller says are
> the ideal RL candidates. "This is not about telling people they shouldn't get
> divorced, but about giving people tools so they can decide."
> 
> Hiller notes that because RL involves a contract to get therapy, it is
> possible to address issues such as substance abuse or family violence head on
> and with hope. But he also stresses that RL must be voluntary, and he
> acknowledges it is not right for every situation.


http://www.law.com/jsp/tx/PubArticleTX.jsp?id=1202428062902

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- COUPLES MUST FIND BALANCE IN TOUGH ECONOMIC TIMES
 Pittsburgh Tribune-Review
Feb 10, 2009 
http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/s_610862.html

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-  HOW THE BAD ECONOMY CAN BE GOOD FOR YOUR MARRIAGE

How the bad economy can be good for your marriage sounds contradictory, but
here's some sage advice just in time for your opening remarks at your
Marriage Week Celebrations. It always helps to be relevant!  Scott Haltzman
will present three times at the Orlando conference including an amazingly
relevant session on his new marriage and family resilience model.  - diane

> 511
> Resiliency in Families: The Stress Antidote
> Scott Haltzman, MD
> Bad things can happen to even the best families. Use the Resiliency Survival
> Kit and The Secrets of Happy Families survey to teach families how to bounce
> back from whatever hits.


How a Bad Economy Can Be Good for Your Marriage
Scott Haltzman, MD
Feb 11, 2009 

EVEN IN GOOD TIMES, money issues can put an awful strain on a marriage. In
especially difficult times like these, with paychecks shrinking (or
vanishing) and investments cratering, men could be excused for thinking that
money might take an even more damaging toll on married life.

That's not necessarily true. So says Scott Haltzman, MD, assistant clinical
professor of psychiatry at Brown University and co-author of The Secrets of
Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever. He says
it's possible to play the recession to your advantage, at least on the home
front.

"Recessions force you to reassess your values and take a look at what's
important in your marriage," says Dr. Haltzman. "It gives you permission to
sit down and talk about priorities, including spending priorities. When
you're talking about money, you're actually talking about values."
 
If you really need to cut back on spending, Dr. Haltzman says it's best for
guys to make the first move. Like maybe you could cancel that subscription
to Sports Illustrated or pack your lunch instead of dropping $10 a day at
your favorite deli. Once you've shown your own willingness to cut back, you
can sit down with your wife to talk about where she can cut back. Whatever
you do, don't pressure her on specifics. Ask where she might retrench, but
let her decide what she can give up-and what's not up for discussion.
 
The recession talk is also a great opportunity for men to open up
emotionally ­ something most women relish, says Dr. Haltzman. "Her radar
will go up because she loves when you talk about your emotions," he says.

But exercise caution when talking about how you feel about your financial
situation. It's a big mistake, if you come off like a whiner or fearful
wimp. "You don't want to say, 'Honey, I'm panicked,' because she needs to
know you're going to be a rock in tough times," Dr. Haltzman says. "But it's
important to express that your feelings as a man are very much wrapped up in
your ability to take care of her and that you wouldn't want to see anything
bad happen to her. When you talk about drives you, women focus on you in a
positive way."
 
Here are five more ideas from Dr. Haltzman on how to play the recession to
your advantage:

1. Never neglect your wife. Especially if you're out of work, it's
understandable that you may be focused more on financial and career matters
than on your relationship. But, Dr. Haltzman cautions, "You can work on
work, you can work on getting work, but if you do these things and forget to
work on your marriage, then you'll end up with no marriage," he says.

2. Don't go it alone. You're looking at 100 miles of bad road if you think
you can impose your own solution to financial problems without first
consulting your wife. "Women want to feel that they are your number-one
priority." Dr. Haltzman says. "You have to have your wife at your back." So
always be sure to solicit her opinion about any important matter ­
especially finances.

3. Be a better listener. "When your wife is talking to you about money,
she's hoping to relieve anxiety because she feels frustrated," Dr. Haltzman
says. "It helps just to listen and to periodically reflect back what you've
heard." One good strategy is to repeat what she's just said to make sure
whether you've heard her correctly. Say, 'If I understand you correctly,
you're saying ____." Sit still when you speak. Make eye contact. And if
she's pouring out her heart to you, fight the urge to check your Blackberry.

4. Follow through on your promises. Let's say you come up with five great
ways to save money. Well, talking about them isn't enough. You're must
follow through. "You can pat yourself on the back and say, 'I was
empathetic,' and 'I was a champion listener,'" Dr. Haltzman says. "But your
wife is going to hold you to what you said about shoveling the sidewalk
yourself rather than paying the guy with a tow truck. The first snowflake
falls, your wife is paying attention."

5. Stop trying to impress her. You didn't need to spend a ton of money when
you were dating, and returning to the things you enjoyed together when you
were young and poor can help rekindle some of the romance," Dr. Haltzman
says. 

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