Remarriages / Benefits of having a neurotic mate / Keeping the Fires Burning / BAN / Twits - 4/29/09

[Smartmarriages]

- TWITTERS 
- SECOND MARRIAGES NEED PRE-MARRIAGE EDUCATION
- SECOND MARRIAGES/REMARRIAGE TRACK
- MARRY A CONSCIENTIOUS (MAYBE EVEN NEUROTIC) MATE
- MARRIED, WITH CHILDREN?  KEEPING IT HOT
- MY HUSBAND'S AFFAIR

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- TWITTER HICCUPS 

First, thanks all of you that subscribed when I sent the notice about
opening a Twitter account. And thank you for forwarding my twitters on to
your followers.  These new networking tools seems to work!  However, I'm
writing because I messed up by opening two accounts - one named
(dianesollee) and one named (smartmarriages). Slow learner that I am - I
didn't realize this would cause problems.

I hereby switch off the dianesollee account and will do all twittering from
Smartmarriages - forevermore. If you're following dianesollee, please switch
to smartmarriages.   If you're not on Twitter, yet, it's all free.....as
they say, it only costs you your time....  First step is go to
http://www.twitter.com & create an account.  Then you *Search for People* -
and this is where you'd search for smartmarriages......and then click
*follow*. 

I find out about at least two new technologies/social networking gizmos a
day (because you're all so good at sharing.)  We really do live in the
information age.  And, although we still have famous Marriage Experts who
refuse to have so much as a cell phone - be encouraged, if I can learn this
stuff (even with hiccups along the way), then you can learn it.  And soon
we'll take all our Marriage Education info viral (I think I'm learning the
lingo.)  -d 

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-  SECOND MARRIAGES NEED PRE-MARRIAGE EDUCATION

Differential use of premarital education in first and second marriages.
Doss, Brian D.; Rhoades, Galena K.; Stanley, Scott M.; Markman, Howard J.;
Johnson, Christine A.
Journal of Family Psychology. Vol 23(2), Apr 2009, 268-273.

Abstract
Although second marriages are more likely to end in divorce than first
marriages, and thus represent an important target for intervention, there
have been no detailed examinations of the use of premarital education in
second marriages. Using random-digit dialing methods, 398 individuals
currently in a second marriage and 1,342 individuals currently in a first
marriage participated. Compared with those in first marriages, individuals
in second marriages were significantly less likely to receive premarital
education for their current marriage. . . .  In both first and second
marriages, those couples at most risk for subsequent marital distress and
divorce were less likely to receive premarital education. Results suggest
that more needs to be done to understand the barriers to the use of
premarital education for second marriages. (PsycINFO Database Record (c)
2009 APA, all rights reserved)

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- SECOND MARRIAGES/REMARRIAGE TRACK

Yes, we must tool up to help remarrieds - the majority of today's marriages
are remarriages (by one or both spouses) OR include children from a prior
relationship (whether married or not).  We'd be foolish to offer a marriage
ministry that does not minister to the needs of remarrieds and stepfamilies
- both premarital preparation and ongoing help to help these couples adjust
and sustain. . 

Check out the track here that is anchored by the Stepfamily Institute taught
by Stepfamily Master, Elizabeth Einstein.
http://www.smartmarriages.com/step.track.html

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- MARRY A CONSCIENTIOUS (MAYBE EVEN NEUROTIC) MATE

For Your Health, Pick A Mate Who Is Conscientious And, Perhaps, Also
Neurotic

> Many studies focus on how specific personality traits may affect one's own
> health, Roberts said, but few have considered how one's personality can
> influence the health of another.
> 
> "There's been kind of an individualistic bias in personality research," he
> said. "But human beings are not islands. We are an incredibly interdependent
> species." . . . 

> "It appears that even if you are really highly conscientious, you can still
> benefit from a spouse's conscientiousness," Roberts said. "It makes sense that
> regardless of what your attributes are, if you have people in your social
> network that have resources, such as conscientiousness, that can always help."
> 
> A more unusual finding involved an added health benefit reported by women who
> were paired with highly conscientious men who were also highly neurotic,
> Roberts said. The same benefit was not seen in men with highly conscientious
> and neurotic female partners. While both men and women benefit from being
> paired with a conscientious mate, Roberts said, only the women saw a modest
> boost in their health from being with a man who was also neurotic.

ScienceDaily (Apr. 28, 2009) ‹  Conscientiousness is a good thing in a mate,
researchers report, not just because it's easier to live with someone who
washes the dishes without being asked, but also because having a
conscientious partner may actually be good for one's health. Their study, of
adults over age 50, also found that women, but not men, get an added health
benefit when paired with someone who is conscientious and neurotic.

This is the first large-scale analysis of what the authors call the
"compensatory conscientiousness effect," the boost in health reported by
those with conscientious spouses or romantic partners. The study appears
this month in Psychological Science.

"Highly conscientious people are more organized and responsible and tend to
follow through with their obligations, to be more impulse controlled and to
follow rules," said University of Illinois psychology professor Brent
Roberts, who led the study. Highly neurotic people tend to be more moody and
anxious, and to worry, he said.

Researchers have known since the early 1990s that people who are more
conscientious tend to live longer than those who are less so. They are more
likely to exercise, eat nutritious foods and adhere to vitamin or drug
regimens, and are less likely to smoke, abuse drugs or take unwarranted
risks, all of which may explain their better health. They also tend to have
more stable relationships than people with low conscientiousness.

Most studies have found a very different outcome for people who are highly
neurotic. They tend to report poorer health and less satisfying
relationships.

Many studies focus on how specific personality traits may affect one's own
health, Roberts said, but few have considered how one's personality can
influence the health of another.

"There's been kind of an individualistic bias in personality research," he
said. "But human beings are not islands. We are an incredibly interdependent
species."

Roberts and his colleagues at the University of Illinois and the University
of Michigan looked at the association of personality and self-reported
health among more than 2,000 couples taking part in the Health and
Retirement Study, a representative study of the U.S. population over age 50.
The study asked participants to rate their own levels of neuroticism and
conscientiousness and to answer questions about the quality of their health.
Participants also filled out a questionnaire that asked them whether or not
a health problem limited their ability to engage in a range of activities
such as jogging one block, climbing a flight of stairs, shopping, dressing
or bathing.

As other studies have found, the researchers found that those who described
themselves as highly conscientious also reported better health and said they
were more able to engage in a variety of physical activities than those who
reported low conscientiousness.

For the first time, however, the researchers also found a significant,
self-reported health benefit that accompanied marriage to a conscientious
person, even among those who described themselves as highly conscientious.

"It appears that even if you are really highly conscientious, you can still
benefit from a spouse's conscientiousness," Roberts said. "It makes sense
that regardless of what your attributes are, if you have people in your
social network that have resources, such as conscientiousness, that can
always help."

A more unusual finding involved an added health benefit reported by women
who were paired with highly conscientious men who were also highly neurotic,
Roberts said. The same benefit was not seen in men with highly conscientious
and neurotic female partners. While both men and women benefit from being
paired with a conscientious mate, Roberts said, only the women saw a modest
boost in their health from being with a man who was also neurotic.

"The effect here is not much larger than the effect of aspirin on
cardiovascular health, which is a well-known small effect," he said.

Asked whether women looking for long-term mates should choose a man who is
conscientious and neurotic over one who is simply conscientious, Roberts
said, "I wouldn't recommend it."

Adapted from materials provided by University of Illinois at
Urbana-Champaign, via EurekAlert!, a service of AAAS.
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/04/090428111532.htm
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- MARRIED, WITH CHILDREN?  KEEPING IT HOT

Things are apparently cooking in New Jersey!  And will be quite hot in
Orlando in July.  As I've pointed out, this year we'll have more keynotes,
banquets, workshops, seminars and training Institutes focused on sex than
ever before - it's definitely the year to bring your spouse.  Check out the
Sex track here: 
http://www.smartmarriages.com/sex.track.html

------------------

Flame still burns: How to keep things hot after saying 'I do'
April 28, 2009
Courier Post

The comments posted under the "Romance and Sex" category on the online
discussion board were telling, and, if one believes conventional wisdom,
surprising.

Instead of following up statements like "I've been with my husband 25 years"
with the expected tales of monotony and one spouse's lack of interest in
romance or sex, the majority of married women posting to
SouthJersey.MomsLikeMe.com are anything but bored.

"Sex improves with time!" exclaimed a woman writing under the screen name
Newjerzgirl. "Nine kids (later) -- I am still -- very much in love. Our sex
life keeps getting better and better," agreed Busymomof09, the member who
married a quarter century ago.

While it can be argued the people happiest with their level of matrimonial
intimacy might be those most likely to share such details with strangers,
these comments, combined with interviews with South Jersey couples who have
been married for decades, serve to show that adults in long-term
relationships aren't fated to lives of dreary malaise.

With some conscientious effort, it is possible, and not at all rare, to
maintain an exciting romantic relationship with one's partner well past the
honeymoon phase.

"If most things in a relationship are good then sex is going to be good,"
says Gary Dann, who's been married to his wife, Carol, for 40 years.

"There's a certain amount of spontaneity, fun, adventure and humor," Carol
says. "It's just one more part of enjoying each other's company."

It becomes apparent within five minutes of meeting the Camden County couple
that they genuinely like each other. They call each other by pet names,
listen attentively when the other speaks, and laugh together. A lot.

"GD has a great sense of humor," Carol says of her husband.

"And somebody has sort of a great sense of humor but they're too involved in
work so sometimes it doesn't come out," chimes in Gary in reference to his
mate, which prompts an outburst of laughter from her.

While their obvious friendship and mutual appreciation may make it look easy
for these two to maintain a healthy amount of romance in their lives, it's
not something either of them takes for granted. And perhaps that's why
they're able to sustain it.

"We anticipate each other's wants and needs," Gary summarizes, before
listing off examples of how they proactively and consistently nurture their
relationship. "She works late a lot so I'll get stuff out for dinner; I set
the table."

And, "Periodically he'll get me flowers. But it will not be on Valentine's
Day and it wouldn't be on Mother's Day," says Carol.

"When you talk about romance it has to start with these small things," says
George James, whose experience as a marriage counselor for Council for
Relationships in Philadelphia has shown couples who retain their physical
satisfaction with each other often are those who remember to make their
partner feel loved and desired on a regular basis.

"If your partner likes coffee in the morning, make coffee," he says.

Yet it's not enough to make things for each other. Happily married couples
stress that it's critical to make time for each other, too.

"We make a point to go out to dinner alone or with friends; I guess you
could call it a double date," says Jerry Vigna, a university administrator
from Cherry Hill who married his wife, Pat, 33 years ago.

And he says when it comes to spending time "under the sheets" together, the
same philosophy applies. "There's a sense of making time for it without
putting oneself on a schedule," Jerry says. "After all these years, it's
still vibrant."

Couples who want to recapture that proverbial spark should follow the
example set by the Vignas and the Danns, instructs George James: "Go on
dates. Have fun. Sex can feel like a chore because (couples) don't even know
each other anymore."

"We take a lot of vacations together, even if they're just overnight," Carol
says. "It gives us time to regroup both as a couple and as individuals."

Carol and Gary have the luxury of taking frequent vacations because their
children, like the Vignas', are grown. But even when their kids were small,
"We got babysitters and we would go out on Saturday nights. And we took a
vacation every year without them," she says.

While acknowledging not all couples have the ability or support system for
such niceties, counselors insist that cash-strapped parents can't afford to
allow a lack of money to become an excuse for neglecting together-time, even
if they've exhausted free favors from friends.

"A date or reconnecting can be taking a walk or doing things in the
backyard. It can be thinking about things you want to do in a few months,"
says James. "Maybe you rent a movie at home and you can get somebody to
watch the kids in another part of the house."

Whether the issue is money, privacy or both, therapists and satisfied
parents say finding innovative ways to make time for romance is an integral
part of keeping one's relationship thriving even when the presence of
children erects seemingly insurmountable obstacles. "We'd go down and turn
on "Sesame Street' and tell them they could watch it as long as they wanted
-- and just hope we didn't hear any yelling and screaming," Carol says.

By sneaking sensuality into a busy life, "sex can stay juicy and alive and a
meaningful part of a relationship, but all too often it gets put by the
wayside," says Dr. Todd Pressman, a psychologist in Voorhees.

But happily married couples warn against making the opposite mistake of
spending too much time together. Both the Danns and Vignas agree too much
familiarity can breed the kind of contempt that can equally stifle romance.
"It makes the marriage feel more like a partnership instead of two people
hooked together," Jerry articulates. "It helps us come together as two
people who know who we are."

These may not have been the kinds of mature insights the Vignas and the
Danns could have given when they were first married. But over the years,
both couples have made efforts to grow closer as they grew older, and to
work together to thrive in spite of common pressures that conspire to pry
every couple apart.

While they recognize not all problems can be fixed with simple acts of
compassion and commitment, they emphatically believe a flagging sex life
acts in conjunction with a faltering marriage, and vice versa.

If one can be mended with a daily dose of attentiveness, playfulness and an
unfailing prioritization of the relationship, then perhaps so can the other,
no matter how long ago marriage vows were exchanged.

And, here's the sidebar to clip and post:

Married, with children?

Keeping things hot when
you have kids is a major challenge.

Obviously, doubling the
nanny's pay and jetting off to
Paris for a long weekend is
one option, but most of us only read about Brad and Angie
doing that while bored in the
supermarket checkout line.

For the rest of us married
humans, it takes perseverance, time management and
creativity to make time for Š
and prioritize Š intimacy of
the physical variety. Oh, and
variety. That, too.

Here are a few suggestions:

Trade "date nights'' with
another couple with kids.
You babysit for them on Friday, they repay the favor on
Saturday, or alternate Saturday nights.

Agree to save $60 on groceries once a month (clip coupons, eat more
eggs/soup/pasta, skip the luxuries), and use the money to
hire a sitter.

Reintroduce nap time.
No matter the age of your little kids, everyone spends 60
minutes in their rooms, reading or doing something quiet.
You "nap,'' too.

Remember to be affectionate throughout the week. Kiss each other hello and
goodbye. Play footsy under the dinner table. Leave little notes for each
other in unexpected (but private) places.
Don't wait for an occasion to
say how you feel.

Shut off the TV, the iPod,
the iPhone, the laptop and the
radio, sit face-to-face and reconnect.

And, of course, save up
for that long weekend in Paris.

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- MY HUSBAND'S AFFAIR

Here's a link to a comprehensive interview and article on Anne Bercht and
the Beyond Affairs Network (BAN) in today's Daily Mail (circulation 6
million!) Anne says it has created great demand for more interviews across
Europe - in Ireland, France, etc (maybe the French no longer take infidelity
in stride?).  Anne and Brian are off tomorrow for a month of presenting and
organizing in Australia -- so busy teaching people about the BAN solution
that they need a cloning machine.  THAT would be all of YOU.  You can catch
them in Orlando and learn how to start a BAN chapter & workshops in your
community.    

Here's the article with great photos including Anne and Brian wedding
photos.-  http://tinyurl.com/c9f95y

> 608 - Saturday July 11, Orlando
> Beyond Affairs: Prevention and Recovery
> Anne and Brian Bercht
> Help couples not only recover from infidelity, but make their marriage even
> stronger and how to establish a BAN recovery support group in your community.
> ¹08 SM Impact Award recipient.

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13th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, The Shingle Creek,
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