Another Award-Winning article - Put A Ring on It - 4/26/09

[Smartmarriages]

- SAY YES.  WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
- FOR BETTER OR WORSE, SOONER RATHER THAN LATER
- GET MARRIED: STIGMA.  COHABIT: NO STIGMA

################################

- SAY YES.  WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

First my apologies that Mark Regnerus is not presenting at Smart Marriages
in Orlando.  Clearly, he should be.  But here's his must read article that
is worthy of a Smart Marriages Impact Award.  It gives us hope - both his
careful marshaling of the research and that the Washington Post not only
published it but featured it prominently (with photos and illustrations) on
the front page of the Outlook section.  Can't help but hope it catch
reader's attention and help change outlooks.  I'll post it permanently on
our *Why one should NOT WAIT to Marry page* along with a growing collection
of articles that can help us bust the misinformation and myths and turn the
tide.  http://www.smartmarriages.com/avoid.jerk.vanepp.keynote.html
- diane 



Say Yes. What Are You Waiting For?
The Washington Post
By Mark Regnerus
Sunday, April 26, 2009

> First, what is considered "early marriage" by social scientists is commonly
> misunderstood by the public.

> Marriage actually works best as a formative institution, not an institution
> you enter once you think you're fully formed. We learn marriage, just as we
> learn language, and to the teachable, some lessons just come easier earlier in
> life.

Spring is here, that glorious season when young men's fancies lightly turn
to thoughts of love, as the poet Tennyson once suggested. "Lightly" is
right.

The average age of American men marrying for the first time is now 28.
That's up five full years since 1970 and the oldest average since the Census
Bureau started keeping track. If men weren't pulling women along with them
on this upward swing, I wouldn't be complaining. But women are now taking
that first plunge into matrimony at an older age as well. The age gap
between spouses is narrowing: Marrying men and women were separated by an
average of more than four years in 1890 and about 2.5 years in 1960. Now
that figure stands at less than two years. I used to think that only young
men -- and a minority at that -- lamented marriage as the death of youth,
freedom and their ability to do as they pleased. Now this idea is attracting
women, too.

In my research on young adults' romantic relationships, many women report
feeling peer pressure to avoid giving serious thought to marriage until
they're at least in their late 20s. If you're seeking a mate in college,
you're considered a pariah, someone after her "MRS degree." Actively
considering marriage when you're 20 or 21 seems so sappy, so unsexy, so
anachronistic. Those who do fear to admit it -- it's that scandalous.

How did we get here? The fault lies less with indecisive young people than
it does with us, their parents. Our own ideas about marriage changed as we
climbed toward career success. Many of us got our MBAs, JDs, MDs and PhDs.
Now we advise our children to complete their education before even
contemplating marriage, to launch their careers and become financially
independent. We caution that depending on another person is weak and
fragile. We don't want them to rush into a relationship. We won't help you
with college tuition anymore, we threaten. Don't repeat our mistakes, we
warn.

Sara, a 19-year-old college student from Dallas, equated thinking about
marrying her boyfriend with staging a rebellion. Her parents "want my full
attention on grades and school because they want me to get a good job," she
told me. Understandable. But our children now sense that marrying young may
be not simply foolish but also wrong and socially harmful. And yet today, as
ever, marriage wisely entered into remains good for the economy and the
community, good for one's personal well-being, good for wealth creation and,
yes, good for the environment, too. We are sending mixed messages.

This is not just an economic problem. It's also a biological and emotional
one. I realize that it's not cool to say that, but my job is to map trends,
not to affirm them. Marriage will be there for men when they're ready. And
most do get there. Eventually. But according to social psychologists Roy
Baumeister and Kathleen Vohs, women's "market value" declines steadily as
they age, while men's tends to rise in step with their growing resources
(that is, money and maturation). Countless studies -- and endless anecdotes
-- reinforce their conclusion. Meanwhile, women's fertility is more or less
fixed, yet they largely suppress it during their 20s -- their most fertile
years -- only to have to beg, pray, borrow and pay to reclaim it in their
30s and 40s. Although male fertility lives on, it doesn't hold out forever,
either: Studies emerging from Europe and Australia note that a couple's
chances of conceiving fall off notably when men pass the age of 40, and that
several developmental disorders are slightly more common in children of
older fathers.

Of course, there's at least one good statistical reason to urge people to
wait on the wedding. Getting married at a young age remains the No. 1
predictor of divorce. So why on earth would I want to promote such a
disastrous idea? For three good reasons:

First, what is considered "early marriage" by social scientists is commonly
misunderstood by the public. The best evaluations of early marriage --
conducted by researchers at the University of Texas and Penn State
University -- note that the age-divorce link is most prominent among
teenagers (those who marry before age 20). Marriages that begin at age 20,
21 or 22 are not nearly so likely to end in divorce as many presume.

Second, good social science pays attention to gender differences. Most young
women are mature enough to handle marriage. According to data from the
government's National Survey of Family Growth, women who marry at 18 have a
better shot at making a marriage work than men who marry at 21. There is
wisdom in having an age gap between spouses. For women, age is
(unfortunately) a debit, decreasing fertility. For men, age can be a credit,
increasing their access to resources and improving their maturity, thus
making them more attractive to women. We may all dislike this scenario, but
we can't will it away.

Third, the age at which a person marries never actually causes a divorce.
Rather, a young age at marriage can be an indicator of an underlying
immaturity and impatience with marital challenges -- the kind that many of
us eventually figure out how to avoid or to solve without parting.
Unfortunately, well-educated people resist this, convinced that there
actually is a recipe for guaranteed marital success that goes something like
this: Add a postgraduate education to a college degree, toss in a visible
amount of career success and a healthy helping of wealth, let simmer in a
pan of sexual variety for several years, allow to cool and settle, then
serve. Presto: a marriage with math on its side.

Too bad real life isn't like that. Marriage actually works best as a
formative institution, not an institution you enter once you think you're
fully formed. We learn marriage, just as we learn language, and to the
teachable, some lessons just come easier earlier in life. "Cursed be the
social wants that sin against the strength of youth," added Tennyson to his
lines about springtime and love.

I realize that marrying early means that you engage in a shorter search. In
the age of online dating personality algorithms and matches, Americans have
become well acquainted with the cultural (and commercial) notion that
melding marriage with science will somehow assure a good fit. But what
really matters for making marriage happen and then making it good are not
matches, but mentalities: such things as persistent and honest
communication, conflict-resolution skills, the ability to handle the
cyclical nature of so much of marriage, and a bedrock commitment to the very
unity of the thing. I've met 18-year-olds who can handle it and 45-year-olds
who can't.

Today, there's an even more compelling argument against delayed marriage:
the economic benefits of pooling resources. My wife and I married at 22 with
nothing to our name but a pair of degrees and some dreams. We enjoy
recounting those days of austerity, and we're still fiscal conservatives
because of it, better poised to weather the current crisis than many,
because marriage is an unbelievably efficient arrangement and the best
wealth-creating institution there is. Married people earn more, save more
and build more wealth compared with people who are single or cohabiting.
(Say what you will about the benefits of cohabitation, it's a categorically
less stable arrangement, far more prone to division than marriage.) We can
combine incomes while reducing expenses such as food, child care,
electricity, gas and water usage. Marriage may be bourgeois, but it's also
the greenest of all social structures. Michigan State ecologists estimate
that the extra households created by divorce cost the nation 73 billion
kilowatt hours of electricity and more than 600 billion gallons of water in
a year. That's a mighty big carbon footprint created in the name of
solitude. Marriage may not make you rich -- that's not its purpose -- but a
biblical proverb reveals this nifty side effect: "Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work."

So while many young Americans mark their days in the usual ways -- by
hitting the clubs, incessantly checking Facebook, Twittering their latest
love interest and obsessing about their poor job prospects or how to get
into graduate school -- my applause goes out to those among them who've
figured out that the proverb was right. One of those is Jennifer, a
23-year-old former student of mine. She's getting married this fall. It
wasn't religion that made her do it. It wasn't fear of being alone. It was
simply affection. She met Jake while still in college and decided that there
was no point in barhopping through her 20s. Her friends balked. She stood
firm. Now they're bridesmaids.

http://tinyurl.com/djpn9z

Mark Regnerus, an associate professor of sociology at the University of
Texas at Austin, is the author of "Forbidden Fruit: Sex and Religion in the
Lives of American Teenagers."

################################
-  FOR BETTER OR WORSE, SOONER RATHER THAN LATER


For Better or Worse, Sooner Rather Than Later
The Washington Post
By Erin Hobday
Sunday, April 26, 2009

The Post also published this companion piece, a first-person account by Erin
Hobday an editor at Self magazine about her struggles to justify bucking the
stigma and marrying *early* ­ just two weeks after she turned 6.  Horrors.

For the full article and wedding photo:
http://tinyurl.com/cltkaf

################################
- GET MARRIED: STIGMA.  COHABIT: NO STIGMA

And, to further make the point ­ to realize just what we're up against, I'll
share (again) this email I received last month from an educated female that
defines the problem - there is no longer a social stigma against cohabiting
but there is a stigma (her term) against marrying early. Like at 23. Oy!

>> Dear Dr. Romance,
>> I am a senior in college and I want my boyfriend to move in with me. We are
>> both graduating in May and we have been dating for two years and practically
>> living together for 1 and a half years. I used to spend my nights in his
>> place while keeping my clothes in my not so nice apartment. I now have nice
>> condo that I own and he lives in a crappy apartment so he basically lives at
>> my house. We are not engaged yet but we will get engaged before he goes to
>> medical school in a year. When he graduates we will get married. We are very
>> committed to our relationship and sex is not what keeps our relationship
>> together. We talk about being together forever and starting a family.  We are
>> best friends and most nights we stay up talking and snuggling. Both our
>> parents are still married and very happy. We are both also well off
>> financially and will be getting good jobs in the future. The only thing
>> holding us back from getting married now is the stigma of getting married too
>> young. I know it is stupid to worry what other people would think, but we are
>> just 22 and I don't see the difference if we just marry when we are 26. The
>> reason for us living together is not a test to see if marriage will work, we
>> already know that we would be perfect for each other. Also, the decision is
>> not out of loneliness or sexual convenience. I read that cohabitating reduces
>> people's attraction towards marriage and childbearing, but we feel like our
>> "almost living together situation" has made us more excited about those
>> prospects. I know that statistics say that cohabitation leads to divorce and
>> unhappy marriages, but the demographics of the people who normally cohabit do
>> not fit with ours. Do you think we could be an exception?
>> Sincerely,
>> Amanda

###########################

This is a moderated list. All submissions are read by Diane Sollee. Please
indicate if your comment is NOT to be shared with the list.  PLEASE include
your email address and/or url as part of your signature. With thousands of
subscribers, not all comments can be shared.

Also realize that opinions expressed on this list are not necessarily shared
by members of the Coalition.

To SUBSCRIBE, UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address,
visit: http://www.smartmarriages.com/app/Newsletter.Subscribe

To read all past posts to the listserv, visit the Archive at:
http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/

13th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, The Shingle Creek,
Orlando, Florida, July 6-12, 2009 (General Conference July 8-11)
Pre-Conference Training Institutes July 6-8
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 12
 
Shingle Creek: http://www.rosenshinglecreek.com/

To download a Conference brochure, register online, or for Exhibit
information:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/conferencedetails.html

List your program and resources on the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html

Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or
http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332

FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the
use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright
owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance
understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family
breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material
as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with
Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed
without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the
included information for research and educational purposes. For more
information: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to
use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go
beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.