Orlando: Bioluminescence-Space-Springs-Cowboys/ Aussie Affairs/ Special Child/ Secrets of Silent Husbands - 4/20/09

[Smartmarriages]

-  ORLANDO ATTRACTIONS: KAYAK, SPACE, SPRINGS, COWBOYS
- HEALING FROM AFFAIRS: AUSTRALIA
- SPECIAL CHILD ADDS STRESS TO MARRIAGE
- SECRETS OF THE SILENT HUSBAND

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-  ORLANDO ATTRACTIONS: KAYAK, SPACE, SPRINGS, COWBOYS

Q. My 10-year-old son and I are planning a summer adventure (emphasis on
"adventure") in central Florida. We want more than the usual Disney-like
tourist options. Any advice for off-the-beaten-track things that would
appeal to a young boy (and his dad)?
JP, Falls Church

A. Who needs Disney? Mother Nature can hold her own quite nicely when it
comes to special effects, and for a lot less money. At Merritt Island
National Wildlife Refuge, about 35 miles east of Orlando, you and your son
can take a NIGHTTIME BIOLUMINESCENT KAYAK TOUR on the Indian River. That's
right: You don't have to travel to Puerto Rico to experience this eerie
phenomenon, in which organisms in the water emit blue-green lights with each
dip of your paddle. A Day Away (321-268-2655,
http://www.adayawaykayaktours.com) offers 2 1/2 -hour tours at $32 for
adults, $24 for children.

As long as you're in the neighborhood, you could always do the whole Space
Coast thing (Kennedy Space Center, 866-737-5235,
http://www.kennedyspacecenter.com).

But back to the nature theme: State parks are a great way to experience the
real Florida, with all kinds of ways to get wet. At RAINBOW SPRINGS State
Park in Dunnellon (352-465-8555, http://www.floridastateparks.org), about an
hour and a half northwest of Orlando, there's tubing on the Rainbow River,
swimming, canoeing, hiking and bird-watching. Camping is available at $19 a
night.

Another option: PLAY COWBOY. One idea is the Westgate River Ranch Resort,
just over an hour south of Orlando (863-692-1321,
http://www.wgriverranch.com), where the two of you can go horseback riding
and attend a rodeo; there's also hiking, fishing, boating and swamp buggy
rides. Camping is available, or you can stay in an inn room for about $90 a
night.

For more ideas, go to http://www.visitflorida.com or call 888-735-2872.

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- HEALING FROM AFFAIRS: AUSTRALIA

Dear Diane,

Brain and I will join Imago therapists, Susie Itzstein and Shelton Huettig
(whom we met at Smart Marriages) to conduct two Healing from Affairs
trainings to help professionals increase their effectiveness when
helping couples in affair recovery: in Perth May 14 and in Melbourne May
21st. 

For information:
http://www.beyondaffairs.com/Seminars/healing_from_affairs.htm#Professional
Or:  susie at graduate.uwa.edu.au or info at beyondaffairs.com

Anne Bercht
Beyond Affairs Network
Website: www.beyondaffairs.com

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- SPECIAL CHILD ADDS STRESS TO MARRIAGE
April 19, 2009
The Washington Times
Julie Baumgardner

I grew up with a brother who has special needs, and I always have suspected
that in some ways, my parents' divorce was a result of the pressure that
comes from raising a special-needs child.

When I meet couples who have special-needs children, I always am interested
in learning about how they manage to keep their marriage together.

I recently had the opportunity to visit with Bob and Susan Locke, whose
second child, Lyndi, arrived 11 weeks early weighing in at 3 pounds, 4
ounces.

The Lockes recalled how they felt as if they were swimming in uncharted
waters. Medical personnel gave them a lot of information, but the Lockes
didn't feel like any of it was very hopeful. Even though the doctors told
the Lockes that Lyndi had cerebral palsy and possibly other complications,
the fact that she was doing so well made it hard to believe.

"We kept taking Lyndi to the hospital for check-ups," Mrs. Locke said. "When
the doctor told us she had cerebral palsy and made statements like, 'She
won't ever do this,' and 'She won't ever do that,' I walked out of there
feeling like I couldn't breathe. Here was this child who looked perfect,
like a little baby doll, and they were telling us all these things she would
never do. I was furious."

Lyndi is now 15 and the Lockes are approaching their 20th wedding
anniversary. While many couples find it challenging to have a strong and
healthy marriage under the best of circumstances, having a child with
special needs can take it to a new level.

When I asked the Lockes how they have kept their marriage strong in the
midst of parenting three children, the Lockes said they always have put one
foot in front of the other and worked together.

"We have always approached our marriage and parenting as a team," Mrs. Locke
said. "Whenever I started asking, 'What if Š,' or getting worked up about
something, Bob just said, 'Whatever we need to do, we'll do it.' He made it
sound so simple. I am the one who gets caught up in the details. He has kept
my feet on the ground and has been steady as you go through the years."

For couples who are just beginning the journey of raising a child with
special needs, the Lockes shared these words of wisdom:

Remember you are in this together. When issues arise, deal with the issue
instead of taking your frustrations out on each other.

Be willing to accept support from extended family and friends.

"When we first came home from the hospital, I was not allowed to drive,"
Mrs. Locke said. "My friend Carrie drove me back and forth from the
hospital. Through the years, family and friends have been wonderful to
include Lyndi in all kinds of activities. I believe this has made a huge
difference in our marriage and for our family."

See your child as a gift, no matter how he or she turns out and love your
child like crazy.

"People have asked us if when Lyndi was born we asked, 'Why us?' Honestly, I
don't remember doing that. I think it was more like, 'Why not us?'" Mrs.
Locke said.

Don't be afraid to let your child try new things.

"Susan has always been the one to push Lyndi to try new things," Mr. Locke
said. "I am the protective one. Susan constantly reminds me that it is
important to let Lyndi be as normal as possible."

Take good care of each other. Be sure you don't neglect your marriage in the
name of taking care of your child. A strong marriage provides great security
for your child.

Having a special-needs child certainly increases the potential for added
stress to a marriage. Consider taking care of your marriage a top priority
because a strong marriage is the backbone of a healthy family.

€ Julie Baumgardner is the Executive Director of First Things First, an
organization dedicated to strengthening marriages and families through
education, collaboration and mobilization. She can be reached at
julieb at firstthings.org.

> 712 - Saturday July 11, Orlando Smart Marriages workshop
> Special Families, Special Needs
> Susan Blumberg, PhD
> Help high-risk couples learn to balance the intense challenges of raising a
> child with special needs with the needs of their relationship using PREP
> communication and problem-solving skills.

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- SECRETS OF THE SILENT HUSBAND

Another blog post from Steven Stosny to forward to all your lists.
Here's the link for more Stosny posts:
http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/authors/steven-stosny

Secrets of the Silent Husband
By Steven Stosny on April 15, 2009 - in Anger in the Age of Entitlement

Every marriage therapist has heard it dozens of times. The tearful wife
says, "I'm not sure he really loves me anymore," and the bewildered man
drops his jaw in astonishment.

"What do you mean I don't love you, I go to work every day!" he protests.
"You would do that anyway," she says scornfully.

He sighs in frustration, ready to throw in the towel, because she seems to
hold the trump card. What he is unable to say is this:

"It's true; I would go to work every day if you left me, but it wouldn't
mean the same."

Chances are, if she left him, he would be a shadow of himself, merely going
through the motions of living.

Men have a hard time giving the reasons why they value their wives because
their wives are the reason they value everything else. We men tend to live
in our work and routines, but we live for our families. In general, wives
provide the meaning of life for their husbands.

The Toll of Divorce and Widowhood on Men
In terms of physical and mental health, as well as job performance and
concentration, divorce and widowhood are more devastating to men than women.
(Just think of the emotional well-being of your male friends whose wives
have left them.) The following are a few of the elevated risk factors to the
health, well-being, safety, and job performance of divorced and widowed men:

€ Impaired problem-solving

€ Narrow and rigid focus (can't see other perspectives)

€ Lowered creativity

€ High distractibility

€ Higher error rates at work

€ "Heavy foot" on the gas while driving

€ More car crashes

€ Hair-trigger reactivity

€ Anxiety, worry, depression

€ Resentment, anger, aggression

€ Alcoholism

€ Poor nutrition

€ Isolation

€ Suicide

€ Shortened lifespan

Make no mistake, women suffer in divorce too, but in general the benefits of
marriage and the psychological harm of divorce skew considerably toward men.
This is partly because women maintain and nurture the family's social
support structure. They remember people's birthdays and anniversaries, which
friends like which kinds of movies, and whose turn it is to go where for
dinner. When women leave the marriage, they take that support network with
them, while their abandoned men sit by the phone and wonder why no one
calls. Divorced women rarely face the same kind of emotional isolation as
divorced men. (There is no need for an aphorism like, "No woman is an
island.") They are less likely to develop mental health problems,
alcoholism, and suicidal tendencies, and are extremely unlikely to engage in
high-risk behaviors like speeding and playing with guns. By almost every
measure, marriage is more essential to men than to women.

The Invisibility of Meaning and Purpose
We are not accustomed to thinking about that which provides meaning and
purpose to our lives. Meaning and purpose rarely take the form of everyday
goals and aspirations. Rather, they result from fidelity to our deepest
values and are, therefore, more noticeable in their absence than in their
presence. Men tend to under appreciate the value of their wives until it is
too late, after she is exhausted from coping with her perceived isolation in
the marriage. A great many men then fall in love with their wives as they're
walking out the door.

Leaving Your Comfort Zone
To flourish, committed relationships require both parties to come out of
their comfort zones for each other. In the realm of meaning and purpose, men
need to appreciate the importance of their wives before they lose them. No
man ever regretted on his death bed having told his wife too much how
important she was to him.

Women need to appreciate the difficulty, indeed unnaturalness, of perceiving
(much less articulating) meaning and purpose. Your husband will not do it as
easily or as often as you would like, but he must do it more often than he
would like.

Put another way, successful marriage requires that you both leave your
comfort zones in order to grow into the love that rises from your deepest
values.

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