50 Ways to Cause Fear and Shame/ National Cohabitation Month - 4/14/09

Tue Apr 14 14:57:45 EDT 2009

- 50 WAYS TO CAUSE FEAR AND SHAME - STOSNY
- NATIONAL COHABITATION MONTH

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- 50 WAYS TO CAUSE FEAR AND SHAME - STOSNY

This one is so good that I'll include the whole thing. And, yes, you have
five different opportunities to study with Steven Stosny at the Orlando
Smart Marriages conference - you'll see his *Marriage An Inside Job* keynote
with Pat Love, can attend three 90-min workshops, and spend two intensive
days with him where he'll train and certify you as a CompassionPower Boot
Camp Instructor - teach you how to help couples stop the Fear/Shame cycle.
http://www.smartmarriages.com/stosny.html - diane

Marriage Problems: 50 Ways to Cause Fear and Shame
By Steven Stosny on April 13, 2009 - 11:11am in Anger in the Age of
Entitlement

I've posted before - and with Pat Love have written a book about - the
ancient fear-shame dynamic that secretly undermines intimate relationships.
To briefly recapitulate, usually subtle (but sometimes obvious) anxiety or
fear in one partner triggers shame-avoidant behavior (withdrawal or anger)
in the other, and vice versa.

Near the end of our three-day boot camps for highly distressed couples, I
ask the men to list all the ways they are likely to make their partner
anxious or afraid without meaning to and the women to list all the ways they
are likely to stimulate shame in their partners with no intention to do so.
Amazingly, the more than 600 participants have come up with lists very close
to what Pat and I first brainstormed when we were discussing the book. (We
have to admit that our prescience came after years of looking in all the
wrong places - childhood wounds, communication patterns, etc. - for why
couples have such a hard time connecting even when they do everything
right.)

25 ways to make a woman anxious

€ Ignore her
€ Tell her what to do
€ Be short with your answers
€ Tune out her feelings
€ Stonewall or give her the cold shoulder
€ Take her for granted
€ Limit or criticize her spending
€ Tell her to stop worrying
€ Tell her she's making too much of it
€ Tell her to get over it
€ Tell her she talks too much
€ Complain about her weight
€ Criticize her family
€ Withdraw or shut down
€ Yell or get angry
€ Pout or sulk
€ Threaten to quit your job
€ Flirt with other women
€ Don't know her dreams
€ Tell her she's just like her mother
€ Complain about her girlfriends
€ Give her the cold shoulder
€ Dismiss her ideas
€ Sound like you're trapped in the marriage
€ Buy a sports car

25 ways to stimulate shame in a man

€ Exclude him from important decisions
€ Correct what he says
€ Question his judgment
€ Give unsolicited advice
€ Dismiss his opinion
€ Imply inadequacy
€ Make unrealistic demands of his time and energy
€ Overreact
€ Ignore his desires
€ Focus on what you didn't get, rather than what you got
€ Withhold praise
€ Use a harsh tone
€ Be abrupt - spring things on him
€ Undermine his wishes
€ Condescend
€ Criticize his personality
€ Disrespect his work
€ Show little or no interest in his interests
€ Criticize his family
€ Interpret, psychoanalyze, or diagnose him
€ Make comparisons to other men
€ Focus on your unhappiness
€ Put friends before him
€ Value others' needs over his
€ Rob him of the opportunity to help

The majority of lovers crash into each other's vulnerabilities accidentally.
But in the case of verbal abuse, intentional abusers seem to know
intuitively where the jugular is. A verbally abusive man is likely to make
his wife feel afraid of harm, isolation, or deprivation. A verbally abusive
woman is likely to make her husband feel like a failure as a provider,
protector, lover, or parent.

But lovers also know intuitively how to help and support one another. The
primary regulators of both fear and shame are support and connection. That
is what people provide for each other during courtship that makes them fall
in love. It is what they must provide in marriage to keep the fear-shame
dynamic from destroying it.

Here's the link for more Stosny wisdom:
http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200904/ma
rriage-problems-50-ways-cause-fear-and-shame

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- NATIONAL COHABITATION MONTH

>> John, your press release about National Cohabitation Month is hitting a
>> nerve.  Or I should say a bunch of them.
>> 
>> Is this something you created? - diane
> 
> ---------------------------------------------------
> 
> Diane,  
> I cannot tell a lie. I started National Cohabitation Month in 2008. So this
> May is the SECOND annual National Cohabitation Month.
> 
> I selected May since it's the month BEFORE the most popular month for
> marriage and because 62% of couples will cohabit BEFORE they marry.
> 
> I don't understand the reasoning of those whose nerves are being hit. Don't
> they see that decades of condemning cohabitation has done NOTHING to slow
> its popularity?
> 
> Depending upon which research you read, between 6-10 million American
> couples are cohabiting. Should we simply tell them they are bad and
> wrong? Is the best we can offer simply advice to move apart?
> 
> It's like telling someone who does not know how to swim but happens to find
> themselves in deep water, nope, I'm NOT helping you! You should have known
> better than to get into the water in the first place...we're going to leave
> you to drown and as you go under, condemn you for not being smart.
> 
> Like it or not Brad and Angelina ARE a new family role model, and
> cohabitation has become a new American institution.  We need to deal with it
> and design services and programs to appeal to these real couples. The best
> way to reach people - to get our relationship skills to them  is not by
> condemning them.
> 
> In case your list has not seen it, I have included a National
> Cohabitation Month press release (below).  I'd appreciate it if you'd share
> it.  Even though this is the Smart MARRIAGES list, some of your readers
> might actually be SMART enough to be curious.   At my workshop in Orlando
> I'll present several new research studies that offer perspectives on how we
> might best help cohabitating couples.
> 
> John Curtis, PhD

Press Release from WeCohabitate.Com:
May 2009 is National Cohabitation Month

Your listeners will love to hear about it because they're doing it or they
know someone who is!

Let them know there's Good News about Cohabitation for a change! Did you
know that...

- Divorce among women marrying their only cohabiting partner is 28% lower
than for women who never cohabited before marriage.

- Over 60% of all couples who marry will cohabit first.
Women who only cohabited with their fiancée first, divorced less than women
who went straight to marriage.

- Cohabitation will skyrocket since 70% of high school students believe
living   together is worthwhile and harmless.

- Celebrities living together is nothing new, what's new is that it has gone
mainstream, become widely accepted & wildly popular.

John Curtis, PhD author of "Happily Un-Married: Living Together &
Loving It"

Have John on your show for a fun, fast-paced & stimulating discussion
that'll engage or enrage your audience!

Learn why America is now a "Cohabitation Nation!"

Dr. Curtis has just released, Happily Un-Married: Living Together & Loving
It to provide useful information and practical tools to show couples how to
enhance the health and stability of their live-in relationship.

Learn more at http://www.wecohabitate.com or contact Dr. Curtis at
jcurtis at iodinc.com or call 1.828.246.0459.

-----------------
I know this post will drive a bunch of you up the wall.  Again. I also know
though that even those of you who hate the idea of a Cohabitation Month or a
workshop that as one of you put it "glorifies cohabitation* that you would
agree that we need to work creatively and together on how to best reach and
appeal to cohabiting couples and get relationship skills to them - including
the millions who are raising children.  - diane

John's workshop is on Saturday:
> 717
> Happily UnMarried
> John Curtis, PhD
> Over 60% of couples cohabit before they marry, while some will choose never to
> marry. Explore ways to re-think cohabitation and help cohabitors strengthen
> their relationships and families.

We'll also have the Scott Stanley & Galena Rhoades keynote: *Living With
Cohabitation* 8:30am Thursday morning:
> Living With Cohabitation
> Scott Stanley, PhD
> Galena Rhoades, PhD
> While cohabitation before marriage has become common, it remains
> associated with increased risks. Exciting NEW findings will be presented
> along with empirically-based strategies for your work in marriage and
> relationship education.

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