What a Monday - 9/29/08

Mon Sep 29 17:18:33 EDT 2008

What a MONDAY.  As I type this, the bailout has failed and the Dow closed
down almost 800 points. The only thing certain is that couples will need
each other more than ever and that any help we can offer will be much
appreciated.  We need to set up free marriage boot camps across the country!
I receive dozens of emails like the one below a week.  I'm sure you're all
getting similar emails and that you could all chime in and add points I
forgot....but you get the idea: Our services are needed and we need more
cost-effective ways to get what we know to couples.  More govt support to
help couples help learn how to hang on to what they've got and to help
themselves!   - diane

> Dear Dr. Romance,
>   My husband and i have been together for 5 years , married for 1 year, we are
> both very young (24 and 22) and had children at a young age, we have 2 girls,
> 1 and 4 years old. Against all odds we've managed to stay together. Now we've
> had it, we are both ready to call it quits, the arguing and incessant nagging
> has become too much to bear. I don't know if I'm just being a wuss and looking
> for the easy way out or if this really is the best thing for our kids. This
> questions weighs on me like a ton of bricks "is it healthier for the girls to
> watch us fight constantly or to have 2 happy separate parents?" I would love
> to watch your tapes but we are both working 2 jobs and barely making
> it...which i think is another problem that we hardly see each other and when
> we do it's nerve racking either trying to get the kids in bed or ready for
> school.  All i can do is look at my little girls faces and i cry to myself
> wondering what more i can do so their life wont be like this anymore. They
> shouldn't have to listen to the yelling. please i know you cant respond to
> every ones emails but if there's hope please let me know, i am so out of love
> with him and we don't have time to fall back in love.
>  
> thank you, robin

First, let me congratulate you for being young and married and so incredibly
responsible in raising your two little girls.  I'm going to share your email
with a list of 10,000 marriage educators (will keep you anonymous) and I can
assure you that each one will be impressed that you and your husband have
both been able to find two jobs and that you're managing in these rough
economic times to hang in there. You are both heroes - nothing wussy about
what you're doing. 

I also congratulate you in seeking help and in figuring out ON YOUR OWN that
your biggest problems are the stress of not having time together and the
stress of not knowing how to manage normal and expected marriage issues
without fighting.  What you haven't figured out is that you don't need to
fall back in love, you just need to figure a way to excavate - dig your love
out from all the junk piled on top of it and let the sun shine on your love
and warm it back up.

But first, I want you to take a deep breath and realize that separating is
NOT an answer. Take that off the list of solutions. Things would only get
crazier and more miserable for you and your girls in both the long run - and
the short run. Divorce just sounds like a solution because it's taking
action.....doing something.  It's like cutting off your legs because your
shoes are too tight and your feet hurt all the time.  They really hurt, but
things could be worse - much worse.

If you're barely able to make it with both you and your husband working full
time, you'll all go under fast if you split households and resources.
Remember you're talking about not only financial resources, but time, and
emotional resources.

Imagine trying to take care of your girls while you support TWO households -
two of everything, while you work two jobs, get them to school and to bed
and to the doctors and feed and clothe and house them.

You also will be splitting the resources of your extended families and
friends and community.  You need to hold things together - conserve and
figure out how to reorganize resources - not split things up.

You ask "is it healthier for the girls to watch us fight constantly OR to
have 2 happy separate parents"?  Neither! No no no.  It's a huge mistake to
think that those are your two options.  And, make a major mistake in
thinking divorce would lead to "2 happy separate parents".  The research is
clear, divorce does not lead to improved happiness....only in the first
moments when you think "we're doing something, taking action to relieve our
pain - cut off these darn hurting feet."  Then reality sets in and you
realize you've just made things worse - much worse.  You'll still have to
co-parent with their dad (for the rest of your life) and make not only the
current decisions about who'll do what and when and how, you'll have fewer
resources and more to fight about (visitation, support payments).  The
fights will get uglier, more dramatic, and more unpleasant for the girls
about how to spend money and time.  And, you're young - you'll both start
dating which will add more players and more disagreements.  And, probably
more kids. And, the chances of having a successful second marriage are very
much against you - with two little girls, you can expect a failure rate of
about 85%....you always have more to fight about in a remarraige and the
kids from the first marriage are at the top of the list of what you'll
disagree about. 

You need, instead, to focus on how lucky your girls are to live with their
two biological MARRIED parents.  You've put them in the win column and you
want to keep them there. Your marriage is the best predictor of success for
their future -  in school, finances, health, mental health, drug abuse, teen
pregnancy, their own chances of marriage - everything we can measure.

So what to do?  1) Keep in mind the enormous benefits of hanging in through
this rough patch and staying married.  2) Understand that it's normal at
this stage with young kids and four jobs to be feeling the way you feel - it
would happen to any pair that started out as love birds and perfectly
passionate soul mates.  3) Realize you CAN figure out new ways to interact
that will help you manage disagreements, disappointments and stress in ways
that will help you fall more in love each day.  And, remember your girls are
watching.  If you teach them that throwing in the towel and moving on to new
partners is the way to do things.....that's what they'll learn.

You don't have to fall back in love with your husband - you just have to let
the love breathe.  Time and again we've found when couples come to a
marriage education class and say that they're "all out of love" all they
need is some time and a few exercises and they're amazed to realize they've
been in love all along, they were too frustrated to FEEL it.  Love is a
FEELING that depends on how we're treating each other. You just have to find
a way to excavate - throw off the junk, the  burdens and frustrations, clear
a path, start treating each other in loving ways, and let the sun shine in.

There are a million ways to dig out and reorganize and get smarter about how
to do this - that don't cost anything except a little bit of time. You'll do
it your way.  You might want to try to write down what works - maybe you'll
get rich - write the guide for others to follow.  But remember that the way
you're doing things also takes time - it takes time to yell at each other.
It takes time to cry.  What you're doing saps your energy and kills love and
lust - and cooperation. It's also very bad for your health. Ditto for
divorce.  THAT takes time. And, it's bad for everyone's health.

The first step might be to find a time to sit down with your husband and
tell him that you had an epiphany - a wake up moment and that you want to
try to do CPR on your love life.  You might try flirting with him a few days
before you have this talk....remind him what love feels like. Think
back....bet if you try you can remember how to flirt.  He'll notice. It only
takes a few seconds and costs nothing. And you have to start somewhere.
Don't wait for him to start, you take this one and run with it.  Then when
you get a few minutes to talk, tell him you realize you've been so focused
on making it financially that you've lost sight of each other and your
relationship - of how much you love each other.  Tell him you want to
conspire together to be selfish together, to try to find some couple time.
Admit you've been flirting. Tell him you want to make this conspiracy
deliberate and do it as a couple - to focus together on finding time for
your relationship.  You might even be able to figure out ways you can cut
back, cut expenses so you can work fewer hours.

But start by agreeing to spend fifteen minutes a day to focus on each other
- talking, swapping back or foot rubs, telling each other what you
appreciate in each other, whatever.  A night or a morning or some time each
week when you have a date - even if it's just eating a meal or talking or
making love.  No problem solving or talking about money or the kids allowed.
Try practicing the Daily Temperature Reading - it gives you guidelines
....how to share appreciations, wishes, hopes, dreams - to talk like you did
when you were first falling in love:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/tempreading.html

There might be a marriage initiative in your community that offers free
classes.  Or there might be something offered at a local congregation - The
Marriage Course is free and wonderful.  You usually don't have to belong to
a congregation to attend their classes.

All the books on the book list are available in your public library:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/app/Media.Booklist

There is information on the website - click What's Free for programs like
Retrouvaille or free newslists and marriage forums.   It would be great if
you and your husband could find time to attend a Retrouvaille weekend - it's
free by blind envelope donation and would help you get back on track.
http://www.smartmarriages.com/free.stuff.html

Or, just plug FREE into the Smart Marriages search tool and explore all the
listings that pop up.

If you want to let me know where you live, I might be able to refer you to
some nearby resources.

Dr Romance 

Please do not reply to this email. This mailbox is not monitored and you
will not receive a response.

Send submissions and comments for the listserv or for list moderator, Diane
Sollee, to: diane at smartmarriages.com  (In other words, do NOT simply hit
"reply". If you hit reply your email will disappear into cyberspace.)

This is a moderated list. Submissions and comments are read by Diane Sollee.
Please indicate if your comment is NOT to be shared with the list.  PLEASE
include your email address and/or url as part of your signature.

With thousands of subscribers, not all comments can be shared. Also realize
that opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the
Coalition.

To SUBSCRIBE, UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address,
visit: http://www.smartmarriages.com/app/Newsletter.Subscribe

To read past posts to the listserv, visit the Archive at:
http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/

13th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, Shingle Creek Resort,
Orlando, Florida, July 6-12, 2009 (General Conference July 8-11)
Pre-Conference Training Institutes July 6-8
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 12

Shingle Creek Resort: http://www.rosenshinglecreek.com/

Conference schedule, registration, & exhibit information will be posted as
it becomes available at:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/conferencedetails.html

List your program and resources on the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html

Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or
http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332