Parade Marriage Survey - 9/21/08

[Smartmarriages]

* THE TRUTH ABOUT MARRIAGE

I¹ve been thinking we should focus heavily on sex at the Orlando conference
and this poll suggests that would be a good idea! - diane

> 31% have sex less than once a month
> 48% of men don't have sex more often because their spouse isn't interested
> 33% of women don't have sex more often because they're tired
> 25% describe marital sex as either tolerable or terrible


Parade Poll Special Report

The Truth About American Marriage
Nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors

By Leslie Bennetts
To Be Published: September 21, 2008
Judging by recent headlines, it's been a very bad year for American
marriages. John Edwards admitted to cheating on his cancer-stricken wife,
Elizabeth, and lying about his affair to the public. Because of his use of a
high-priced call-girl service, Eliot Spitzer lost his job as New York's
governor. His successor, David Paterson, then announced that both he and his
wife had had affairs while they were separated. Comedian Bill Murray and his
wife, Jennifer, divorced amid allegations of his infidelity and sexual
addiction. Model Christie Brinkley battled her husband in court over his
affair with a teenager and his online porn habit. Yankee slugger Alex
Rodriguez's wife, Cynthia, accused him of running around with everyone from
strippers to Madonna.

The obvious conclusion to draw from these stories is that marriage in the
U.S. is a toxic mess. But are deception and betrayal really more common
today than marital love and respect?



HOW'S YOUR MARRIAGE?
Take our online poll »

Not according to the findings of a new national poll commissioned by PARADE.
In fact, marriage seems to be working quite well for most of the people we
surveyed: About 88% said they were happy or reasonably content in their
marriages. Only 12% ranked their marriages at the bottom of the scale, in
the range between "It's miserable" and "I wish I could get out."

PARADE's respondents also gave positive explanations for why they've stayed
married, with 71%  choosing "deep love" as a reason and 73% citing
"companionship." On the negative side, close to 30% of our respondents
admitted that they remain married either because of financial reasons or
because "it's too much trouble to get out."

Overall, however, our married couples said they were basically happy. Fully
half of them described their marriages as "loving and joyful," and nearly a
third characterized them as "peaceful coexistence." Only 7% complained that
their marriages are unhappy or hostile. But our survey did reveal a dramatic
gender gap in marital satisfaction. Despite the common stereotype that women
want commitment while men don't, in reality men are happier with their
marriages than women are.  Nearly 70% of the men surveyed said they "never"
think about leaving their wives, whereas nearly half of the women said they
think about leaving their husbands at least occasionally--and sometimes
daily.


See our slideshow of the longest and shortest celebrity nuptials! »

Of course, not even love can prevent disagreements from occurring. Many
other surveys have shown money and sex to be the most common issues that
couples fight about, and finances topped the list for our respondents as
well, with 43% reporting that they squabble about money. Household chores
and sex ranked second and third, respectively, as causes of contention. The
men consider chores to be less of an issue than women do, which may be
because almost all studies indicate that men still do considerably less
housework. In our survey, less than a quarter of the men named household
chores as a source of friction, compared with 31% of the women.
As for sex, plenty of our respondents seemed to be enjoying it.
Three-quarters reported that their sex lives were reasonably fulfilling,
although that means 25% put their sex lives on the "tolerable" to "terrible"
end of the spectrum.
When it comes to frequency, the largest group--31%--said they are having sex
less than once a month, but 27% answered "at least a few times a week." In a
famous scene in the 1977 movie Annie Hall, a couple are asked how often they
have sex. The man complains, "Hardly ever! Three times a week," while the
woman rolls her eyes and replies, "Constantly! I'd say three times a week."
Like Woody Allen's characters, many of PARADE's respondents were displeased
with how much sex they're having. More than half think they're not doing it
enough--another figure that shifts along gender lines. Fully 60% of the men
said they don't have sex enough, a feeling shared by 51% of the women.
The gender gap was even wider when people were asked why they do not have
sex more often. Nearly half of the men said it was because their spouse
wasn't interested, compared with 21% of the women. A quarter of the women
said they had lost sexual interest in their husbands or often were angry
with them--or both.

Despite such complaints, most respondents reported being faithful to their
spouses. But men did admit to straying more than women. Nearly a quarter of
the men said they'd had sex outside of marriage or refused to answer the
question, while only 11% of the women said they had cheated, and 4% avoided
the question. As for the faithful, 69% said the reason was because "I'm
committed to my spouse."

Of the respondents who admitted to cheating, the men did so with more
partners. Sixty-one percent said they'd had sex with two or more people
other than their spouse, and 14% reported having sex with five or more other
partners. Most of the unfaithful wives--55%--had sex with only one person
outside their marriage.

Surprisingly, the commitment to marriage remains strong even when one
partner is unfaithful. Some people criticized Hillary Rodham Clinton and
Silda Spitzer, Eliot's wife, for staying with husbands who had strayed. But
most other Americans would do the same. Among both men and women, more than
half said that if they suspected their spouse was unfaithful, they would
confront him or her and try to save the marriage. Only 9% said they would
"leave immediately."

When a spouse is unfaithful, the sexual and emotional betrayal experienced
by the partner usually is accompanied by anger about the dishonesty and
deception involved. So how common are major marital secrets? The PARADE poll
suggests some intriguing gender gaps in marriages. A quarter of all the men
admitted to having kept "an important secret" from their spouse, such as
debts, gambling, hidden financial assets, alcohol or drug abuse, or hidden
sexual practices. An even greater percentage of women--31%--said they had
discovered that their spouse kept an important secret from them.

More than a third of the men and women polled told us that they had no
secrets, but nearly half of the men and 41% of the women admitted they kept
some things to themselves. Many of our respondents said they have suspicions
about their spouses: Nearly 60% of the women and around half of the men
guessed that their spouse "probably does some things I don't know about."

Despite the divorce statistics and the tabloid headlines, people still seem
committed to love. Asked why they got married, more than 80% answered, "For
love," although 62% also said, "It was the right time in my life," or, "I
didn't want to be alone."

When asked, "Would you still marry the same person if you had it to do over
again?" the majority said "yes." But, once again, men were more content:
Only 16% said they would not marry the same person again, compared with 22%
of the women, who said they'd try to do better.

In only one area did PARADE's survey results reinforce a prevailing
stereotype: Women are more likely than men to want better marital
communication. While only 10% of the husbands complained that they and their
wives "don't talk to each other enough," 15% of the women said they were
dissatisfied with the level of verbal intimacy. That difference, however,
will probably come as a surprise to nobody.

Love
56% would definitely marry the same person again
44% of women have thought about leaving their husbands
31% of men have thought about leaving their wives

Sex
31% have sex less than once a month
48% of men don't have sex more often because their spouse isn't interested
33% of women don't have sex more often because they're tired
25% describe marital sex as either tolerable or terrible

Secrets
24% have kept an important secret from their spouse
63% would try to save their marriage if a spouse was unfaithful
19% of men have had sex outside of marriage


Survey results based on interviews with 1001 married Americans (501 men, 500
women), ages 18 and over, conducted from May 28 to June 7, 2008, by Insight
Express. 

See the complete results of PARADE's nationwide survey:
http://tinyurl.com/4u68mb

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