Oprah infidelity show Thursday, Sept 18 - 9/16/08

[Smartmarriages]

- OPRAH FEATURES INFIDELITY AND BAN, SEPT 18

Sorry that I didn¹t get notice about the first show in this series out to
the list.  I was in the process of switching over my entire computer system
and messed up. 
I know many of you are going to ask how you can watch the first show. I
think you¹ll have to wait for reruns, or find someone who may have recorded
it. (Anne, is there any way to watch it on a website.)  I saw the show and
agree with Anne that it was a train wreck but also agree that the beautiful
silver lining was the inclusion of the BAN website ­ also that women used
the message boards for powerful reality-check feedback.  I¹m going to share
some of what appeared on the message boards.  If you watch on Thursday,
please weigh in.  

If you attended the SF Smart Marriages conference, you know that BAN
received the Smart Marriages Impact Award and that Anne presented a great
workshop. Order the session at http://www.iplaybacksmartmarriages.com/ or at
800-241-7785 to learn how to organize a BAN chapter in your community. With
the demand created by these two shows, we need you!

> #758-608 
> Beyond Affairs: Prevention and Recovery
> Anne and Brian Bercht
> Learn how to not only recover from infidelity, but to make your marriage even
> stronger, from a couple that¹s been there. Also, how to establish a BAN
> recovery support group in your community.


Dear Diane,
I have had quite an exciting time working with the Oprah show over the past
month. I was contacted on August 14 while in Dallas preparing for one of our
Healing From Affairs Weekends, which began the next day. Long story short,
an Oprah producer flew down and sat in on our entire seminar. She was blown
away by the healing she witnessed.

The show initially contacted the BAN network in part because they were
looking for couples for a show featuring M. Gary Neuman around the release
of his new book, ³The Truth About Cheating ­ Why Men Stray and What You Can
Do to Prevent It.² 

The show invited all of our couples to Chicago for the taping to be part of
the live audience ­ making it clear that those who did not want to appear on
camera or say anything could remain anonymous. Their plan was to have an
entire audience of couples that had experienced infidelity. Ten of our
couples were in the audience and three chose to share on the show. In
addition, the show featured Collen, a BAN coordinator from California, and
her husband, Scott.

We at BAN thought the taping was a train wreck after which I wrote the
producers expressing our disappointment and suggestions. We were even more
concerned when the edited show actually aired on September 11. We felt it
was an embarrassment and could actually be damaging to people and, again,
gave the show our feedback. The show¹s emphasis was that by being ³super²
wives and especially by having lots of sex and showing lots of appreciation,
women can pretty much ensure their husbands will not have affairs. Although
Neuman stated that he doesn¹t blame the wives, everything on the show
basically did blame them. The show ignored the elephant in the room ­ that
new sex is titillating. And, that even when everything is great at home a
man can be drawn to the allure of the tingles of an affair.

If interested, I went into greater detail in an article I just posted on my
website.
http://www.beyondaffairs.com/weekly_surviving_affairs_newsletters.htm

The redeeming factor is that they featured our website and people are
finding BAN! We¹ve been very busy at the Beyond Affairs Network and we¹re
gratified that people who need us are finding us. The second surprise that
gives us new hope is that what originally was going to be one show has
expanded to two.  

We are taping the follow-up show tomorrow (Sept. 17). This show will again
feature M. Gary Neuman and his book, but we¹re told it will also feature a
full segment on the BAN network. Four members of BAN will be here at my home
in Vancouver to be skyped into the show. We¹re also told that the show will
feature viewer reactions to the first show, the good and the bad. The show
is scheduled to air the very next day, Thursday, September 18, 2008.

Hoping for miracles and that many more people who need BAN will find us as a
result! 
 
Anne Bercht
Beyond Affairs Network
Email: anne at beyondaffairs.com
http://www.beyondaffairs.com

#######################################################
Message board excerpts:
Ok just where did you find this moron...!!! An amazing waste of time for all
concerned except those
fragile egos. Let me say I was in long term relationships with no less than
4 males who were given the full attention, stroking ed nausium...did that
stop their cheating ways. ... NO NO NO and NO.
I had hoped for how to identify them stay away from them, something
usefull, but instead we all got it is the womens fault.....yet again!
IT goes back to the saying that "Men are all cut from the same cloth"
try finding another author with some valid or usefull help, send this guy
packing...fast...please
- - - -
As long as 'relationship experts' like Gary Neuman continue to push idiotic
reasons for infidelity down the throats of devastated women, then men will
always think it's okay to commit this crime. I wanted to shout "Wake Up" to
the wives who were sitting next to their needy husbands who had cheated on
them. My advice.......talk to a counsler, get revenge, or divorce the
bastard!! Maybe all three!! Don't be fooled by Gary Neuman's reasoning for
cheating men! It's all about sex!! It's the rush, the excitement, the
feeling of being more than they are. Low self esteem is no excuse for
infidelity. . . .! There are no acceptable reasons to cheat, and there are
no excuses good enough to explain away such despicable
behavior......Period!! NO WOMAN SHOULD FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THE INFIDELITY OF
HER PARTNER....YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG!!!! He's the one with the
issues!!!! If he needs to feel like a man, or if he needs some tender loving
care, or if he needs to feel special, than he should go visit his mother!!!
I'm tired of listening to all the BS about how women have to do more to keep
their men at home. How about being a man, and stop whining!!
- - - -
I was dismayed by today's program about why men cheat. There seems to still
be this assumption that it is the woman's job to keep the man from
cheating. Why wasn't there more discussion about the effects of cheating on
a woman's self esteem and the children's sense of security? Why isn't the
book aimed at men and what they can do to take responsibility for their
choices?
The simplistic notion that men are looking for validation and that it is
the wife's job to supply that so he doesn't cheat--------if someone has
checked out of the marriage to such and extent that they are cheating or
are considering cheating------I mean, seriously, does the wife really feel
like giving that type of husband "validation"? Cheating is a form of
extreme selfishness and let's please take responsibility for our actions.
Most of the time, the one cheating is the one not giving enough to the
marriage, not the one not getting enough from the marriage.
- - - -
OH MY GOD I am furious. Again, again, and again it is all about the male
ego. Stroke, stroke, stroke. Women must always feed their - male-
insatiable self-centered egos. Women are constantly feeling unappreciated,
inadequate and overworked, kids, jobs, house keeping, soccer, baseball
practice, doctor appts etc., etc,. etc.. Men are always looking at women in
girly magazines, strip clubs or even in the mall. We - women - are made to
feel as though we can never measure up to what they perceive as beautiful
or "hot," but do we run out and have and affair when we get some attention
or a compliment , NO , give me a break. I almost felt like I was going to
be sick while I was watching the show and actually had to leave the room as
I could feel my blood pressure rising when I was listening to the reasons
men cheat- get over yourselves. Poor you, Blah, blah, blah, since when is
running into another woman's arms a resolution to a problem- it's not., but
it's what makes you feel good- because it's all about you. If men started
opening up to their wives instead of turning to a stranger to tell them
they are still "manly" things may be different. COMMUNICATION is the key
and many of you males clam up when it comes to talking with your partner.
Funny how you will tell a strange woman ( not your wife) while you are in
bed with her how good she makes you feel, the lines of communication are
open then arent' they- only when it is convenient for men to open them,
i.e, when it is in their best interest. Stop thinking about yourself and
your needs and think about everyone and what the impact of your thoughless
self-centered actions will have on others- it's not always about you!!!
- - - -
Some how I came away from this show feeling that the blame for the man's
infidelity being put on the wife!
This is quite disturbing.
I heard it said that men are sensitive, men have emotional needsŠ well
hello, so do women. Part of being married is making the decision to be a
partner. You have to work together when one side is feeling weak or in need
or unappreciated or whatever ³thing² coined for straying. It takes work.
But good partnershipsŠ good marriages are worth it. If you LOVE your
spouse, it is worth. If you LOVE yourself, it is worth it.
Turn your straying eye back to your spouse and use that energy to
re-energize your marriage.
The onus should not be placed on the wife.
---------------------------------

I disagree with virtually everything said about men Cheating. I found it
insulting to women, they were portrayed to be the reason for mens affairs,
when the truth of the matter is men cheat for Self Gratification and because
they believe they can get away with it.I would be interested to know if the
Author of this book has cheated? I speak from experience with a man
(actually a mouse) whom I knew for over 40 years and had been married to.

I was pretty intrigued by the show today, but ultimately, I was
disappointed. I felt that the experts were STILL blaming the women for their
men's lack of self control. How many women, or better yet, how often to
WOMEN feel unappreciated and ignored/neglected? Well, my answer is ALL OF
THE TIME. Very seldom do we find a woman who doesn't feel that way,
especially when she's going to work only to come home to take care of the
kids, cook dinner, clean etc...all while her husband comes home and sits in
front of the tv and waits for dinner to be ready. How wonderful...
The interesting thing is that no one is writing a book about why women cheat
and blaming the men for not showing appreciation, ignoring their wives, not
helping out around the house, getting lazy and letting themselves go
physically...no one ever talks about those things. It's always the women's
fault. She's not supportive enough, she's not ready to have sex every time
her man is, she's not encouraging enough, blah, blah, blah. The issue is
that MEN need to take responsibility for their actions. From the way the
expert described the men, I concluded that basically men are everything they
say women are...they're insecure, clingy, impulsive, dependent and they are
irrational thinkers - they can't control themselves.
Men can be short, fat, bald, ugly, snaggle-toothed, jobless, uneducated,
have 5 kids from 5 different women and it's all okay. Women are supposed to
accept the men in their lives as they are, but it seems to me that the women
are supposed to be contortionists and do all of these things in order to TRY
and prevent the cheating from happening. Even when women bend over backwards
a thousand times over, the men STILL CHEAT. There is NOTHING a woman can do
to stop a man from cheating, all she can do is decide whether her
relationship with him is more valuable than her relationship with and her
respect for herself.

Discussions where we hear that we can prevent cheating if we do these
"simple" things is a set back for women. It's still encouraging women to try
to mold a man and keep him happy and build him up when she has other things
to be concerned with. Why is it always the woman's responsibility to read up
on the latest info on how to keep a man? How to keep him happy? Is it the
man's fault when his woman cheats on him? Well, not from what I've
heard...the wife is just labeled as a skank and she's breaking up the
family. Why can't men read books on how to be emotionally mature? How about
books on how to have a great relationship with the woman in their lives? Or
my favorite idea...the men's edition of how to find "the one"? If you think
about it, all of these books exist for women...why not men? Why not???
Because they have a closet full of experts who offer excuse after excuse for
men's bad behavior. It's genetic, it's men being men, the woman wasn't
giving him what he needed...etc...
I think a better show for the future would be "Men who DO NOT cheat on their
wives and their advice on how to have a lasting, loving, honest, committed
and MATURE relationship." That would be a refreshing show and most
importantly, it would show women to aim higher and stop keeping just some
anatomical man around.
- - - -

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