Stepfamily Day/ Survey Needs YOU/ Translation / New Rules/ Retrouvaille - 9/2/08

[Smartmarriages]

- A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
- AFFAIR RECOVERY
- STEPFAMILY DAY
- MARRIAGE AND PRAYER SURVEY NEEDS YOU!
- LOST IN TRANSLATION
- NEW RULES FOR A GOOD MARRIAGE
- MARRIAGE GEEK NEWSLETTER
- RETROUVAILLE AND THE POPE!

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- A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
Visit this great new site in Texas and share a smile - this feels like a
miracle. - diane
http://www.twogetherintexas.com/UI/HomePage.aspx

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- AFFAIR RECOVERY

> Diane,
> I hope you get MANY comments similar to mine/this one: Mrs. Bercht states in
> the Marriages CAN survive article that "...it takes 2 1/2 years for a marriage
> to escape the grip of an affair".  I would have loved to see the
> statement/recognition that it takes AT LEAST that much time -- and usually
> MUCH longer -- to put lives back together after a divorce!
> Susan Sweeney

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- STEPFAMILY DAY

Start planning now so that you have a Stepfamily Day workshop and
celebration in place for next year. Or, see the website for
teach-out-of-the-box stepfamily programs and offer something this year -
show any of the TOOB DVDs for an excellent offering:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/app/Directory.BrowsePrograms#type_17

> On September 20th the Marriage Resource Center will acknowledge National
> Stepfamily Day with a FREE workshop. We will offer adult and child tracks
> with an emphasis enhancing skills to improve understanding and learn positive
> co-parenting skills, communication and conflict management. First 25 couples
> who register and complete session will receive a $20 gas card.
>  
> On September 12 & 13 we will have A Couples Weekend to elevate married couples
> by teaching PREP principles for how to fight less and love more, rekindle the
> passion and commitment. We have some great incentives and gift bags.
>  
> Pamela Hudson, Assistant Director
> Marriage Resource Center, Wayne County Michigan http://www.mimarriage.org
> "Building healthy relationships through education"

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- MARRIAGE AND PRAYER SURVEY NEEDS YOU!

Paul Giblin at Loyola University Chicago is looking for participants for a
study that explores how, when, where, and why married people pray. The study
will ask: Besides praying in church and at meals, do you ever pray together
or is it more usually alone? Do you have similar or different ways of
praying? How do marriage and family life influence your prayer life? Has
your prayer changed over the course of marriage and family life? These and
other questions will be explored in an online, confidential study. To
participate, contact Dr. Giblin at 800-424-1238 or pgibli at luc.edu

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- LOST IN TRANSLATION

Hmmmm, this shows 1) that we have many talents on our newslist - a Russian
translator! And, 2) that certain core points can be lost in translation.-
diane 

> We've got a new winner of the best book cover award - the Russian cover of
> How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Pat Love and Steven
> Stosny. Click to see what I mean: /uploaded/Without.Talking.About.It.jpg
> 
Diane,
The cover is really creative, but I find the Russian title to be more
interesting than the photo. A literal translation would read something like
the following:
 
"Sweetie, we need to talk about our relationship
... how to do THIS without quarreling"
 
Derek  Gwinn, MA, CFLE

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- NEW RULES FOR A GOOD MARRIAGE
Good Housekeeping 
2008
Sarah Mahoney

[Many of you have sent this article - it apparently keeps popping up on MSN,
blogs, etc around the world. I thought I'd shared it with the list but was
just informed it is NOT in the archive.  My mistake.  Here it is.  - diane]

By the time we reach our 15th wedding anniversaries, most of us know how to
handle the ups and downs of marriage. Sure, the wedding china may have a few
chips, and perhaps we've had one too many spats about who forgot to bring
home the milk. But we've also learned to negotiate holidays with the
in-laws, wrangle tantrum-throwing kids, and talk each other through blown
transmissions and career crossroads.

Now, instead of having our accomplishment acknowledged, it looks like we're
in for a whole new set of marital challenges. Friends, family, movies, and
talk show hosts warn us of midlife marriage dangers like husbands ditching
their wives for younger women or empty-nest syndrome catapulting couples
into divorce court. If getting the kids into college didn't force us apart,
it seems, then a 20-something blond will.

Well, maybe not. At last count, America's divorce rate had fallen to 36
percent, its lowest level since 1970. That's because, on the whole, most of
us like being married, and so do our spouses. And while there are certain
challenges inherent in waking up next to the same guy for 5,379 mornings in
a row, many so-called "inevitable" marriage pitfalls are really just
unexamined old wives' tales. On closer inspection, two facts become clear:
There's only a trace of truth in each fable ‹ but there's also the potential
to retool them to make your relationship even closer. Here are five of the
most enduring myths, plus new rules to replace them.

Myth: Never go to bed angry. If you don't hash through every conflict right
away, it'll lead to resentment and ultimately blowups.

As marriage folklore goes, the idea that it's imperative to settle every
disagreement before day's end is pretty well entrenched. (After all, that's
the way some people read that "Do not let the sun go down on your wrath"
line from the Bible, as well as how others interpret the pop-psychology
dictum "voicing grievances clears the air.") And many of us have accepted
the premise that if we don't address disputes at once, all that unresolved
conflict just festers inside us and we'll wake up angrier each day, until
someone finally explodes over an uncapped tube of toothpaste.

Ideally, of course, we would all be able to truly forgive every slight and
make up before bedtime. But guess what? No one is that perfect. And, in
reality, most spouses don't solve problems well when they're mad. In fact,
"the idea that it's helpful for couples to air their grievances in the heat
of the moment is probably one of the most dangerous marriage myths out
there," says John Gottman, Ph.D., professor emeritus of psychology at the
University of Washington and author of The Seven Principles for Making
Marriage Work. "Often, nothing gets resolved ‹ the partners just get more
and more furious." When people are overwhelmed by emotions like anger, they
experience what psychologists call "flooding," a physiological response that
leaves their hearts pounding and their concentration shot, to say nothing of
their ability to resolve arguments fairly or amicably.

New rule: Sleep on it. Conflicts are best dealt with when you have calmed
down and are well rested.

Rather than stay up to debate the disagreement du jour, Gottman suggests
that couples set aside a moment every night to focus on what's good about
their marriage. Then, "no matter what ‹ if you're angry, if he's angry, or
if you're both exhausted ‹ kiss good night for six seconds," he advises.
"Sure, sometimes you'll be so mad or tired that the kiss will last for six
nanoseconds. But it will remind you of your enduring affection, and besides
‹ long kisses often lead to something even better than conversation."

That's not to say that conflicts don't have to be dealt with. To make sure
disputes don't get swept under the bedsheets, Gottman recommends having a
standing, short "State of Our Union" meeting each week (just not at
bedtime). "Take turns telling each other something about your marriage or
your partner that you appreciated that week, and then afterward each of you
gets to bring up one issue."

Myth: One day the two of you will just realize you've grown apart and fallen
out of love.

The fable is that some couples just drift apart as their personalities
change or their interests diverge. But experts say if you look closely at
most happy twosomes, you'll be amazed at how little they actually have in
common. She could spend every spare hour crafting, and he might be the
world's most ardent sports fan. Yet they've discovered ways to be themselves
and together at the same time: That means sometimes she knits on the sofa to
keep him company while he watches the Reds battle the Mets. In fact, experts
say, shared interests or even similar temperaments are no assurance of
marital longevity. "If these factors were truly important," Gottman says,
"couples who meet through matchmaking services, which frequently try to pair
singles according to hundreds of points of compatibility, would have a
better chance of staying married than those who meet randomly. They don't."

New rule: A marriage doesn't run on feelings ‹ it thrives because both
spouses work hard on it.

"We need to give long-term partners credit for their marriages," says Diane
Sollee, M.S.W., director of smartmarriages.com. "These couples have probably
worked their way through hundreds of disagreements, illnesses, financial
problems, kids' issues, maybe even an affair. They survive because they
understand that they are a team, and they work to find ways to come
together, whether in a crisis or in good times."

The truth is, we all change constantly, and that's a blessing. "If you
sprayed fixative on people during their wedding ceremony," says Sollee,
"life would just be too boring." But make sure you and your husband are
checking in regularly with each other, and that all the little marital
compromises and negotiations are making you both feel happy and involved in
each other's evolving lives. That way, you can grow together, rather than
apart, and, if anything, feel more in love than ever.

Myth: As you both get older, sex will simply stop mattering to you and your
husband.

TV sitcoms notwithstanding, the idea that midlife couples settle into sexual
hibernation just isn't true. In fact, many report that intimacy improves as
the years go by. After all, once they get through their early-relationship
trials and errors, Sollee says, "they find a sexual style that makes them
both happy." And for many wives, sex certainly doesn't deteriorate in
midlife. On the contrary: In a recent British study, 64 percent of women
surveyed attested that after they reached menopause, their sex lives either
stayed on course or got even better.

What makes intimacy more satisfying is the comfort married couples develop
with talking about what doesn't work for them and ‹ perhaps more important ‹
what does. In fact, psychologists at Dalhousie University in Canada recently
found that partners' communication about what they wanted sexually was
linked to their being happy with the sex itself.

New rule: There's no reason you won't grow more sexually connected.

Since talking about sex is key to sexual satisfaction itself, make it a
priority this weekend ‹ regardless of whether you think your sex life is
already OK or not. Naturally, even if you both communicate perfectly well
about everything else under the sun, it may feel awkward or even
embarrassing to suddenly start giving your husband explicit sexual pointers.
So ease into the subject. If it occurs to you that you've done it exactly
the same way 33 times in a row, you could say, "I can't remember the last
time we made love with the lights on, can you?" Sexual reminiscing may not
lead to a romantic interlude, but it will get you talking. And the safer
each of you feels in expressing what you like and don't like, the easier it
is to make adjustments that can ramp up the sexual satisfaction on both
sides of the bed.

Myth: When the kids leave home, there will be nothing left to keep your
marriage together.

Most parents have pangs of sadness when the kids are finally gone, moments
when the house seems impossibly quiet or they catch themselves having a
lengthy chat with the cat. And some couples really do struggle ‹ but many
renew their commitment to each other. "With the kids out of the house,
marriages can bloom ‹ when there is a sense of shared purpose," Gottman
says. That communion can sometimes get pushed aside in the daily round of
raising a family and making a living. "Some couples may have let that
feeling of togetherness die," he explains. "Then it's not the kids' leaving
the nest that somehow makes their marriages seem empty. They've already been
empty a long time, and when the children leave home, the couple finally
notices."

But for many husbands and wives, "marital satisfaction actually goes up once
the kids are gone," says James Bray, Ph.D., a psychologist at Baylor College
of Medicine in Houston. After an adjustment period of six to 12 months,
spouses often realize that they have more leisure time, more money, and more
freedom to reengage with each other. And without children in the house,
there's often less cause for conflicts.

New rule: Your marriage can flourish in that new freedom.

When your kids move out, keep your life full and your relationship central.
Compile lists of what you and your husband can do now that you couldn't
before, suggests Bray, whether it's traveling to Tahiti or having sex on the
sofa. "Celebrate! You've succeeded in raising independent adults," he says,
"and now you have the opportunity to decide what to do next. Will you get
more involved in town politics? Learn to tango? Go out to dinner more
often?" Whatever it is, make sure it's something you both enjoy as you
rediscover each other.

Myth: Every guy has a midlife crisis ‹ any day, your spouse will drive off
in a new red sports car.

It's true that men sometimes do crazy things when they reach a certain age.
You may feel like snickering at some of their attempts to regain their lost
youth, like the balding executive who gets a spanking-new Harley ‹ or a much
younger girlfriend. Such drastic changes are fortunately far from
commonplace outside the soaps, but psychologists say that most of us will go
through a period of midlife reevaluation.

New rule: It's not a crisis ‹ and it's not just for men.

Actually, this period of reexamination is a healthy part of development. As
people move into their 40s, 50s, and beyond, their perspectives shift.
Careers may plateau or take off in unexpected new directions. The first
serious health problem may come along, or a parent may die and spur you to
rethink your priorities. All of these are natural, inevitable transitions,
and the best approach to dealing with them is to learn what you can and
follow where they lead you. Fortunately, most people do: A recent poll by
volunteermatch.org found that more than half of those over 55 are looking
forward to starting new chapters in their lives.

More and more the phrase "midlife crisis" is being swapped for
"reinvention"; all across America, you can hear men and women talking about
their second acts. But rarely do they mean a full-scale life overhaul. More
often they're contemplating ways to make more time for what they already
love. Men who have done a little woodworking take on a deck redesign; women
who have always wanted more time to get in shape sign up for their first
triathlon. Not only are these course corrections good for us as individuals,
they also seem to invigorate our relationships. People in their 40s and 50s
feel they have more control over their work, their finances, and their
marriages, reports a multi-university study. Some crisis, huh? Instead of
worrying about his issues, focus on whether you're ripe for reinvention
yourself. Rediscover your priorities, and above all, don't feel you're being
selfish by pursuing your passion: What's good for you is good for your
marriage, too.

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- MARRIAGE GEEK NEWSLETTER

Diane- Want to share with you what I have started following lots of
inspiration and new marketing help I got at the conference.  I have over 200
people receiving my email already!  Thanks for all the work you do.  Check
it out here: http://tinyurl.com/57nhwq
Maureen Campion

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- RETROUVAILLE AND THE POPE!

Here's a wonderful article about Retrouvaille - the incredibly successful,
affordable, mentor-run program for troubles whose marriages are in deep
distress.  If there is not a chapter in your area, get one started.

> Three couples who've gone through the program lead the weekend experience
> along with a priest. The program is Catholic-based, but all faiths are
> welcome. . . . 
> 
> "Wanting to stay married is one thing," she added, "but having the right tools
> to stay married is the key." . . .

> Every year, the program holds an international conference for participating
> couples and community leaders. This year's convention in Rome, from Sept. 26
> to 28, is special, however.
> 
> Because the Pope supports Retrouvaille's mission to save marriages, his staff
> responded to a request from the program's international board for a private
> meeting. The Pope agreed to give 300 Retrouvaille leaders‹including the
> Ruizes‹a private mass at Castle Gandolfo, his summer residence an hour
> northeast of Rome.


Couple's work to save marriages earns them invite to see the Pope
By Carissa Marsh 

Simi couple Tony and Tina Ruiz will board a long flight to Italy at the end
of September to meet with Pope Benedict XVI‹not exactly an everyday
occurrence for a typical suburban husband and wife.

Then again, the Ruizes aren't typical.

As coordinators for the Santa Clarita chapter of Retrouvaille, an
international peer-to-peer marriage ministry, the Ruizes help couples heal
their broken relationships, just as the program did for them nearly 10 years
ago.

The two married in 1988, when Tina was just 19 and Tony 22. They'd already
had a daughter together and three years later had a son. But they just could
not get along.

"When you get married that young, no one gives you the book on how to fight
fairly," said Tina Ruiz, 40. "We knew we loved each other but we were just
trying to survive."

Tina said she and Tony lived the "married single lifestyle," each doing
their own thing for years until the marriage just deteriorated. In 1994, the
couple separated.

Two years later ‹ by what Tina calls a "miracle" ‹ they reunited, even
though they'd both being seeing other people.

"We split up and then somehow, God brought us back together in 1996," said
Tony, 43.

But the old problems hadn't disappeared, so in 1999, when they saw a
bulletin for Retrouvaille at St. Rose of Lima, they decided to give the
program a try.

"After all that we had been through, we knew we were committed to being
married; we just knew we needed to find a better way to be married and
resolve our conflicts without yelling and screaming," Tina said.

Established in Quebec 31 years ago, Retrouvaille‹a French word meaning
rediscovery‹consists of a weekend experience followed by six post-sessions
over three months during which couples learn to listen and communicate
effectively.

Three couples who've gone through the program lead the weekend experience
along with a priest. The program is Catholic-based, but all faiths are
welcome.

Tina said couples need an open mind and a willingness to work on their
marriage and to leave the past in the past.

"Wanting to stay married is one thing," she added, "but having the right
tools to stay married is the key."

For the past eight years the couple has been giving back to the program that
saved their marriage, first as a lead couple and now as community
coordinators.

"It changed our life," Tina said, adding that the program helped her realize
that you have to work on your marriage every day. "No one is ever perfect.
We're certainly continuing to work on it."

Every year, the program holds an international conference for participating
couples and community leaders. This year's convention in Rome, from Sept. 26
to 28, is special, however.

Because the Pope supports Retrouvaille's mission to save marriages, his
staff responded to a request from the program's international board for a
private meeting. The Pope agreed to give 300 Retrouvaille leaders‹including
the Ruizes‹a private mass at Castle Gandolfo, his summer residence an hour
northeast of Rome.

When the couple found out the Pope had extended this invitation to
Retrouvaille, they were amazed.

"We thought there was no way," Tony said. "We thought they were going to
look at (the request) and laugh."

Tina said she still can't fathom the idea.

"I don't even understand the intensity of it right now," she said. "I mean,
I know what a great honor that has been bestowed on us, but I still can't
visualize it."

Tony, however, has a clearer picture of what the moment might be like,
remembering the papal visit to Yankee Stadium earlier this year.

"I remember watching it on TV and saying, 'Wow, can you just imagine being
one of those 60,000 people there? That would be unbelievable,'" he said.
"And now there are going to be 300 of us."

And while Tina is looking forward to sightseeing, shopping and tasting the
local cuisine, she said the most important thing is Retrouvaille's message
of hope and healing that will reverberate throughout the Roman weekend.

"The undercurrent is that we're victors because we made a commitment to our
marriage and we continue to keep our family together," she said. "If we can
save one family through this, then it's all worth the while."

For more information about the upcoming Santa Clarita Retrouvaille weekend,
from Nov. 7 to 9, call the Ruizes at (661) 257-7980.

To learn more about Retrouvaille, visit helpourmarriage.com.

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13th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, Shingle Creek Resort,
Orlando, Florida, July 6-12, 2009 (General Conference July 8-11)
Pre-Conference Training Institutes July 6-8
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 12
 
Shingle Creek Resort: http://www.rosenshinglecreek.com/

Conference schedule, registration, & exhibit information will be posted as
it becomes available at:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/conferencedetails.html

List your program and resources on the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html

Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or
http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332

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