Honesty: The Best Way to Prevent Affairs - 9/2/08

[Smartmarriages]

- HONESTY BEST WAY TO PREVENT AFFAIRS
- MARRIAGES CAN SURVIVE AFFAIRS

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Here are two EXCELLENT infidelity articles that feature the Beyond Affairs
Network, recipient of the 2008 Smart Marriages Impact Award.  BAN was
created in 1980 by Peggy Vaughan author of the classic book Monogamy Myth
who has just released her latest book, "Preventing Affairs: You CAN have a
monogamous marriage, but not by just assuming you're immune."

Peggy points out that the SmartMarriages community was instrumental in this
book at every stage. Many of you completed her survey - which was critical.
As she says this book is not based simply on her own experiences and
theories - she listened to the survey and lots of advice from experts like
Barry McCarthy and John Gottman.
 
I hope all of us in the coalition can continue to be instrumental by helping
1)  to increase the number of BAN chapters around the world (the goal is to
make it as well understood and as available as AA) and 2) by helping to get
this new preventive book into the hands of couples to help them understand
step-by-step and point-by-point how to arm themselves to avoid the slippery
slope of infidelity.

Order the book here for $14.95:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/app/Media.Booklist

For more information visit:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory/35

And here: 
http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory/46

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- HONESTY BEST WAY TO PREVENT AFFAIRS
Honesty best way to prevent affairs
Cheryl Wetzstein
ON THE FAMILY
The Washington Times
Sunday, August 31, 2008

When it comes to extramarital affairs, Peggy Vaughan may have heard it all.
Since 1980, she and her husband, James, have spoken publicly about how they
saved their marriage despite his infidelities. Now 72 and married for 53
years, Mrs. Vaughan has written several books and talked with thousands of
people about the cheaters in their lives.

Not surprisingly, she has some advice for couples - especially those who
think they are immune to affairs - and for an American culture that thinks
it bears no culpability for the steady stream of betrayed spouses stomping
off to divorce court.

Couples should know, "the only actual way to prevent affairs is by complete
honesty. There is nothing else," says Mrs. Vaughan, whose latest book,
"Preventing Affairs," came out in May.

Most people think other things will protect their marriage - being in love,
being religious, taking wedding vows seriously, trusting each other, she
says. But none of those things are as important as being honest with each
other, which means both sharing private feelings and "not withholding
relevant information."

People can be tempted to have an affair for myriad reasons, but the only way
someone will act on a temptation is "if they are willing to be deceptive and
lie to their partner," she says. "That means the trump card is honesty."

Mrs. Vaughan advocates honesty even though "it sounds counterintuitive" to
tell your wife you think the neighbor lady is hot, or tell your husband
you're flattered when that guy in the office flirts with you.

But it's impossible that spouses will go through life and never be attracted
to other people, she says, and if spouses talk with each other about these
attractions, they can pop the "fantasy" balloons and keep attractions
harmless. 

If you don't talk about temptations, she warns, "You're starting to keep
secrets, and the fuel for affairs is secrecy."

Confiding in each other about private things keeps a couple connected, she
adds. 

"People don't grow apart because they do different things or have different
interests," she says. "They grow apart because they stop telling each other
what they're thinking."

Mrs. Vaughan has a few candid observations about the American culture, which
she believes aids and abets extramarital affairs. "We're positively
schizophrenic" about sex, she says. Marital sex is downplayed, while
extramarital sex is glorified in TV shows, movies, books, fashion and
advertising. 

This is buttressed by a "code of silence" that says philanderers have
privacy rights, and people shouldn't tell on each other. But let former Sen.
John Edwards get caught in a hotel visiting his former mistress, and
condemnation and outrage come pouring out as if he were the first husband to
get caught with his pants down, she says.

Mrs. Vaughan wants to see less hypocrisy about sex, but she sees it starting
in the home, not the movie theater. Her provocative message to parents is to
"stop training your kids to have affairs."

When teens have sex - but can't be honest about it with their parents - they
already are associating sex with secrecy and lying, she says. Later, when
they're grown, married and tempted to have an affair, "they have already
been conditioned [to] do what you're not supposed to do and pretend you
didn't," she says. 

Mrs. Vaughan recommends parents have lots of honest talks about sex with
their teens - emphasizing its beauty with one loving partner - and not harp
so much on avoiding sex. Kids may get information about "the plumbing" or
"the basics," she says, but they get very little about loving relationships
and having sex in a responsible way.

To prevent affairs in the next generation, she says, parents should raise
their children "so they can talk about sex with you."
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- MARRIAGES CAN SURVIVE AFFAIRS

Marriages can survive affairs
Cheryl Wetzstein
The Washington Times
August 24, 2008 

The stunning news of John Edwards' affair ­ and possible love child ­ with a
younger woman who worked on his presidential campaign and Elizabeth Edwards'
anguish at learning of this betrayal while she battles breast cancer and
cares for their two young children is all too familiar to Peggy Vaughan and
Anne Bercht. 

It's been 34 years since Mrs. Vaughan received the devastating confirmation
of her husband's infidelities, and nine years since Mrs. Bercht heard her
husband say, "Anne, I've been seeing someone else."

Mrs. Vaughan and Mrs. Bercht both salvaged their marriages. Both went public
­ with their husbands by their sides ­ and told their stories in books,
speeches and media appearances.

Moreover, Mrs. Vaughan decided to fight back against the despair, secrecy,
isolation and shame that surround affairs. In 1980, she founded the Beyond
Affairs Network (BAN), a support system for betrayed spouses. Mrs. Bercht is
now BAN's director.

Their mission is to educate couples about how to avoid infidelity, and to
help those who fall into the abyss find their way out.

"The average person is afraid to even say the word, 'affair,'" says Mrs.
Bercht, who lives in Vancouver, British Columbia, and tells her story at
http://www.beyondaffairs.com/.

John Edwards' behavior "is classic," says Mrs. Vaughan, whose latest book,
"Preventing Affairs," came out in May. "He is the perfect poster boy for the
'never tell; if questioned, deny it; if caught, say as little as possible.'"

Mrs. Vaughan suspected her husband of cheating years before he finally
admitted it in 1974. She tells the story of their marriage recovery at
http://www.dearpeggy.com/.

When Mrs. Bercht's husband, Brian, told her he was seeing a co-worker in
1999, she sat up all night, thinking about how her 18-year-old "great
marriage" was suddenly over.

"If anyone looked in love, it was Brian and I," Mrs. Bercht says. "We were
Christians and like a 'pillar couple' in the church."

Back then, "if you had asked me to live through a whole day at once, I would
have said I couldn't do it," Mrs. Bercht says. "I got through it by giving
myself two-hour segments. Nothing felt pleasant, but I would set up a coffee
[date] with a friend, and tell myself, 'It's 9 a.m. You're having coffee at
11 a.m. Just make it to 11.' And with those kinds of segments, I could make
it through the day."

A few weeks after his announcement, Mr. Bercht got cold feet and came home;
his paramour was married, too. But the next three months were traumatic, and
the family was battered by car accidents, health scares and vandalism.

After that, the Berchts finally started "dealing with the marriage issues,"
she says. "We were fighting a lot," but the conversations were at least
addressing underlying issues.

By six months, the marriage had stabilized, but, "I was very sad and Brian
felt guilty," she says.

The most profound breakthrough happened a full two years later, when Mrs.
Bercht realized she had to "get over" the affair, "or get out." She went for
a long hike and sat by a river. She took out some paper, wrote down all her
sorrows, cried and threw it in the river.

"I decided to forgive," she says. "Then when the painful memories came back,
I put them out of my mind."

It would take another six months for the sadness to finally leave.

Bottom line, she says, it takes 2 1/2 years for a marriage to escape the
grip of an affair, provided both spouses work at it, and the betraying
spouse is scrupulously honest and determined to rebuild the trust.

Affairs happen to good couples, Mrs. Vaughan and Mrs. Bercht both say. "My
goal," adds Mrs. Bercht, "is to make BAN as available and as well-known as
other support groups."

Next week: How to prevent affairs.

• Cheryl Wetzstein's On the Family column runs Tuesdays and Sundays. She can
be reached at cwetzstein at washingtontimes.com.

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