Presidential Example/ Winnie the Pooh & Sue Johnson / Hockey Parents/ Failure to Exel - 10/6/08

[Smartmarriages]

- THE OBAMA RELATIONSHIP: A MAJOR BENEFIT NOBODY'S TALKING ABOUT
- MARRIAGE MATTERS: THE GENTLE WISDOM OF WINNIE THE POOH
- DOHERTY: MOM AND POP GO OVER THE TOP
- THE EDUCATION ARGUMENT

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- THE OBAMA RELATIONSHIP
Huffington Post/ October 2, 2008
 Kathyln and Gay Hendricks

Diane!! 
You sent the teaser for the Obama Relationship Benefits article but you
didn't send the link to the whole article.  Why not??
Mandy

Sorry, I just forgot to paste in the link.   I've heard from a dozen folks,
some of whom were able to find the article on Huffington and some who
weren't and some who said they'd been meaning to write a similar article and
congratulated the Hendriks for doing so and some who didn't like it at all
and thought it incredibly biased.
Here is the link: http://tinyurl.com/4qax5s
- diane 

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- MARRIAGE MATTERS: THE GENTLE WISDOM OF WINNIE THE POOH

This wonderful article reminds me to let you know that SUE JOHNSON WILL
present in Orlando at the Smart Marriages Conference. I've answered a bunch
of individual emails to that effect, but want to assure the full list.
Several wrote to complain that they didn't know who she was until they saw
her keynote in San Francisco at which point it was too late to change travel
plans and attend her day-long training institute.  You anxiously asked if
she'll repeat the institute.  Yes, she will - Sunday July 12. She plans to
have exciting new materials to launch in Orlando - to turn her book, HOLD ME
TIGHT, into a TOOB.  In meantime, as I said when I introduced her in SF -
"It's all in the book - her entire attachment-based approach for couples".
You can order her book here:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/app/Media.Booklist

See the many wonderful Orlando institutes here so you can start planning
ahead: http://www.smartmarriages.com/institutes.html   - diane
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Marriage Matters: The gentle wisdom of Winnie the Pooh
By James and Audora Burg
Sturgis Journal
Mon Sep 29, 2008, 

The most precious book in Audora¹s bookcase is the worn hardback of ³The
World of Pooh.² It¹s infused with memories of her father reading adventures
of the self-proclaimed ³Bear of Very Little Brain² to her and her younger
siblings for bedtime stories.

They listened to tales of heffalumps and woozles, of honey bees and
balloons, jagulars and wedged bears. They giggled at Tigger bouncing up a
tree and the ³expotition² to the North Pole.

Life was simple and sweet in the Hundred Acre Wood. Little did she know she
was being schooled in the whys and wherefores of healthy attachment.

Like this gem of a passage illustrates: ³Piglet sidled up to Pooh from
behind. ŒPooh!¹ he whispered. ŒYes, Piglet?¹ ŒNothing,¹ said Piglet, taking
Pooh¹s paw. ŒI just wanted to be sure of you.¹²

Classic attached behavior. Therapist Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally
Focused Therapy, uses that Pooh and Piglet vignette as a shining example of
healthy attachment between partners and the comfort it offers to both.

In her article on psychotherapy.net, ³My, How Couples Therapy has Changed!
Attachment, Love and Science,² Johnson wrote, ³Šin secure relationships
people can become aware of and regulate their attachment emotions, accept
their needs and express these needs coherently and openly to the other. They
can accept comfort when offered and, in an adult relationship offer comfort
to the other.²

It all turns on security, the feelings of emotional safety and permanence.
Johnson says it better:

³Secure connection is shaped by mutual emotional accessibility and
responsiveness,² summarized by three key questions: ³Are you there for me?
Do I matter to you? Will you turn towards me and respond to me?²

In a relationship marked by healthy attachment, those answers are yes, yes,
and yes.
Great theory. How does that play out in reality? Last week, it was Audora
being able to call Jim in the middle of the day and say, ³I know you¹re
headed to class, but I just need two minutes to vent. Do you have time to
listen?²

Those two minutes were no big deal and yet were a great big deal, because
when she needed him, he was there, and he was willing to hear her.

That gift of his compassionate, silent time just listening does everything
in the world to reinforce the security of our attachment. It tells her, in a
real way, that she¹s not alone.

Of course, it¹s sweeter than honey coming from the world of Pooh: ³ŒAnd
remember ... Pooh, we all stumble and tumble, every one of us go bump in the
night. That's why it¹s a comfort to go hand in hand.¹²

James Burg, Ph.D., is an associate professor at Indiana University-Purdue,
Fort Wayne. His wife, Audora, is a freelance writer. They are parents of
three children and live in Sturgis. You may contact them at
marriage at charter.net.
 
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- DOHERTY: MOM AND POP GO OVER THE TOP

> When I was growing up in the 1950s and 1960s, our parents did not spoil our
> fun by watching us PLAY sports. Organized, highly competitive sports did not
> kick in until adolescence and high school varsity teams.

Mom and Pop go over the top
William J Doherty, Minneapolis Star Tribune
October 3, 2008 

In the last election, politicians sought the votes of soccer moms. This time
we have a hockey mom running for vice president -- a self-described "pit
bull" hockey mom. It isn't just mothers who are judged by this new standard
of sports-obsessed parent. Supreme Court Justice Anthony Scalia recently was
forced to admit to a "60 Minutes" television audience that his judicial
responsibilities took him away from his children's games. (His wife picked
up the slack.) And it isn't just Republicans who are talking about this
issue: When Al Gore was running for president, he stressed that he always
put his kids' sports games in his schedule book "in ink."

When did the character of public officials depend on being boosters at child
athletic events? Until the 1980s, young children mostly played in the
neighborhood, free of adult observation and coaching. Older kids taught
younger ones how to play an endless variety of games. Parents in most
neighborhoods were content to have their children out of sight and enjoying
themselves. When I was growing up in the 1950s and 1960s, our parents did
not spoil our fun by watching us play sports. Organized, highly competitive
sports did not kick in until adolescence and high school varsity teams.

The 1980s brought the widespread trends of big-time youth sports and the
parental responsibility to cheer from the sidelines at every game (and as
many practices as one could make). This was fueled by the unprecedented
stardom of prepubertal Olympians like Nadia Comaneci and the pervasive media
presence of multimillionaire celebrity athletes like Michael Jordan. In more
recent years we have the Tiger Woods phenomenon of professional athletes who
started their careers almost in diapers. Nowadays many young children
specialize in a single, intense sport to the exclusion of all others, at the
risk of injury and burnout during adolescence.

The mark of a good parent in today's world is personal chauffeuring rather
than group carpooling, cheering loudly from the sidelines at all games,
advocating with coaches for their child's playing time, and backing away
from any activity (such as family dinners and PTA meetings) that conflicts
with year-round sports schedules that rival those of professional athletes.
The top-rated parents become agents for their children's sports careers;
average parents just try to keep their balance in a world that rewards
excess.

This is all part of a larger trend toward what psychiatrist Alvin Rosenfeld
has termed "hyper-parenting" and what others have labeled "helicopter
parenting." Fed by understandable anxiety about success in a competitive
world, middle-class parents spare no time or expense in enhancing their
child's developmental edge, beginning with in utero sound waves and then
with Baby Einstein products. "Black Hawk parents" (or now "pit bull
parents") criticize slackers on their child's team, attack coaches for
depriving Jason or Samantha of their rightful playing time and aggressively
go after the opponents -- the young children on the other team. Ridiculing a
highly paid professional athlete is a privilege that comes with the price of
the ticket, but trying to unnerve a 9-year-old pitcher or goalie -- that's
what pit bull parents do to show their devotion to their offspring. A few
even assault other parents, referees or coaches.

It's ironic that parents who would never miss an athletic event often
overlook what research and common sense attest are the most important
activities that parents do with their children, things like having meals
with them and quietly reading to them. One national study found that young
children's academic success and psychological well-being were far more
strongly influenced by time spent eating meals with parents than by time
spent doing anything else, including extracurricular activities. I hope that
politicians start boasting about eating with their children or turning off
the TV in order to have family conversations. Anything except parenting by
excess.

Maybe the change has already begun. Minneapolis Mayor R.T. Rybak and his
wife, Megan O'Hara, have talked publicly about having as many family dinners
as they can. Barack and Michelle Obama recently did a public service by
telling People magazine that they hold back on birthday presents because
their kids get more than enough from relatives and friends. Even more
important, grass-roots organizations of citizen parents launched first by
Minnesotans are calling for more balance between family life and youth
sports.

Politicians play on cultural common sense. The rest of us create it.

William J. Doherty is a professor of family social science and director of
the Families and Democracy Project at the University of Minnesota.

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- THE EDUCATION ARGUMENT

Failure to excel; who¹s to blame?
Bellevue Reporter
Oct 01 2008

Here's one to use as you approach education-focused leaders and funders in
your community.  - diane

> The advancement that made this nation proud, however, hit a snag around 1970:
> America¹s educational progress began to stagnate, and results fell. At the
> same time, and not coincidentally, family breakdown skyrocketed. Research
> suggests that the past 40 years of deteriorating family environments and our
> educational decline are linked. . . . Family structure matters when it comes
> to students¹ educational performance. Kids who live with their married parents
> have a better shot when it comes to school success.
> 


School has begun. Expectations for teachers, administrators, and districts
are high as students enter the classroom for 2008-2009. Unfortunately, we
continue to see students¹ educational achievement diminish.

Beating up teachers and administrators for low academic achievement ­ or
using the excuse that financial support is lacking ­ are shortsighted ways
to handle a shared frustration. A closer look at America¹s family structure
could be the answer to this increasing decline.

Dropping educational attainment coincides with a breakdown of the American
family and points to a major cause of student failure. It also offers a
roadmap to success!

In a recent article, New York Times columnist David Brooks reminds us that
America¹s educational progress between 1870 and 1950 was unparalleled by
other countries. In 1890, the average American adult had completed about 8
years of schooling. By 1910, it was 9.6 years, and in 1960, the average
American had completed 14 years of school.

America made education a priority and an entitlement for all citizens, not
just a path for the elite. Brooks wrote, ³In 1950, no European country
enrolled 30 percent of its older teens in full-time secondary school.² The
United States did. We enrolled 70 percent of older teens.

The advancement that made this nation proud, however, hit a snag around
1970: America¹s educational progress began to stagnate, and results fell. At
the same time, and not coincidentally, family breakdown skyrocketed.
Research suggests that the past 40 years of deteriorating family
environments and our educational decline are linked.

Between 1970 and 2000, the percentage of married adults decreased, and the
percentage of intact first-time marriages also declined (from 72 to 60
percent). The ratio of births to married parents dropped substantially (from
89 to 67 percent), as did the proportion of children living with two married
parents. Cohabitation, divorce, and out-of-wedlock births grew to all-time
highs.

Family structure matters when it comes to students¹ educational performance.
Kids who live with their married parents have a better shot when it comes to
school success. The Institute for American Values found that as early as age
3, ³a child¹s ability to adapt to a class setting is influenced by his or
her parents¹ marital status. Children growing up without an intact family
were three times more likely to experience emotional or behavioral problems.

³Fourth-grade students from intact homes have higher reading scores and
teens without intact families are more likely to drop out of school,² the
Institute notes.

Preserving marriages and helping to start new relationships off on the right
foot should be a priority for society. Our communities, churches,
businesses, and nonprofits have a role to play by creating policies and
offering programs that help families thrive. That includes premarital
counseling, marriage mentorship, family-friendly business practices, and
flexible workplace schedules.

Being aware of the challenges facing students who don¹t have the benefit of
an intact family can help us change their outcome. There are multiple ways
to help children succeed in school, whether their parents are married,
single, or divorced. To that end, 40 Developmental Assets for three age
groups are posted on our Web site, www.FamiliesNW.org. Click on the ³back to
school² link.

These developmental assets, created by Search Institute (a youth-centered
research organization) are essential building blocks of healthy development.
The lists offer basic, cost-neutral, employable action suggestions that help
parents support children in ways that ensure academic readiness and success.

That will aid not only students, but also it will help ailing schools and
teachers battling orders that are too tall.

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