Engagement Blog / Refugees / Mutual Consent Divorce/ Drs Romance/ Adult Children of Divorce - 10/2/08

Thu Oct 2 11:54:02 EDT 2008

- ENGAGEMENT BLOG 
- PROGRAM ADAPTED FOR WORK WITH REFUGEE INDIVIDUALS
- MUTUAL CONSENT DIVORCE
- MORE DRS ROMANCE: SHOULD I STAY OR GO?
- CHILDREN OF DIVORCE DESIGN MARRIAGES THAT LAST
- IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER
- THE OBAMA RELATIONSHIP: A MAJOR BENEFIT NOBODY'S TALKING ABOUT

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- ENGAGEMENT BLOG 

Warning: this is so much such fun that if you get started, you'll want to
read the entire Blog.  Lots of insight about reaching young couples where
they're at. - diane

Diane, 
We have a blog on our Family Ministries website written by two couples
getting married next year (daughters of two of our marriage ministry
team members) and I thought you might let the list know. The latest blog
about family really gives encouragement to those of us working in the
marriage education field.

Jake (who's 26 and getting married in April) wrote: What I want to tell
you hundreds of thousands of readers is there is a lot more to getting
married than just finding that perfect someone. Family is key! It's not
just your wedding, marriage, and life, you're bringing two families
together. If you choose to have kids you are creating grandparents, and
making new lines on the family tree. To have parents that make such a
good team and then meet another great team is unreal.

To read the blog, go to www.FamilyMinistries.org and click on the
rotating picture that says: "Getting married? So are they!"  or go
directly to http://precana.blogspot.com/ You can click on their pictures
to read more about them. Thanks, Diane!

Kim Hagerty, MA, LPC, PCSG
Writer and Editor
Catholic Families Today Radio Show Producer AM 950
Family Ministries
www.familyministries.org

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-  PROGRAM ADAPTED FOR WORK WITH REFUGEE INDIVIDUALS

Hi Diane,
We, the U.S. Committee for Refugees and Immigrants, adapted a marriage
education program for individuals:  ³Relationship Enhancement for Refugees
and Immigrants². We had to do that out of necessity as so many of the 1500
refugees we serve each year have lost their partners in war, political
conflict, or other persecution,  or are still left behind in camps as they
come to resettle in the States.  Or simply, their partners will not attend.
We also need to educate the unwed and divorced, so our materials including
our illustrated participant workbooks have been adapted to serve all
populations.  We are starting Year 3 of our 5 year ACF/ Office of Refugee
Resettlement grant today!  Please refer anyone who might be interested to
our website or we'll attend the Orlando Conference and can meet with people
there.  

Goli Amin; MSW 
Program Officer
U.S. Committee for Refugees and Immigrants
Arlington VA 
(703) 310-1130 Ext. 3010
Fax: (703) 769-4241
E-mail: gamin at uscridc.org <mailto:gamin at uscridc.org>
Web: http://www.refugees.org/ <http://www.refugees.org>

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- MUTUAL CONSENT DIVORCE

The Washington Times
Mutual Consent Divorce
Cheryl Wetzstein
September 30, 2008

> Mr. McManus' latest brainstorm is for states to adopt "mutual-consent" divorce
> laws for couples with minor children.
>  
> "[N]o divorce would be granted unless both the mother and father agree," he
> writes in his new book, "How to Cut America's Divorce Rate in Half."
>  

For more than 30 years, most Americans have told the General Social Survey
(GSS) that they approve of divorce as a cure for a sick marriage.

But they also strongly support making divorce harder to get.

Political leaders ought to tap into this public disenchantment with easy
divorce, says Michael McManus, veteran syndicated columnist and pro-marriage
gadfly.

Congress should do for divorce what it did for drunken driving - reduce it
by tying federal funding to state behavior, he told me at the recent Values
Voter Summit in Washington.

The outcome could be a 50 percent drop in divorce and preservation of homes
for millions of children.

As noted, most Americans regularly tell the GSS that divorce is an
acceptable remedy for an unhappy marriage. There's even stronger agreement
(67 percent) that parents shouldn't stay in a difficult marriage for the
sake of the children. So I realize there's a lot of skepticism about cutting
divorce rates in half, children or no children.

But Mr. McManus isn't just your regular gadfly. He and wife Harriet inspired
a marriage-mentoring movement with their book "Marriage Savers."

They also developed Community Marriage Policies, in which virtually all the
clergy in a town or county agree to certain pro-marriage rules, such as
marrying couples only if they get premarital counseling. More than 200
communities have these policies, and a 2004 study showed that they help
lower divorce rates.

Mr. McManus' latest brainstorm is for states to adopt "mutual-consent"
divorce laws for couples with minor children.

"[N]o divorce would be granted unless both the mother and father agree," he
writes in his new book, "How to Cut America's Divorce Rate in Half."

If there are egregious grounds for a divorce, such as abuse, the mutual
consent can be waived. But in most cases, if one parent wants to go and the
other wants to try to save the marriage, the divorce can't be granted unless
both consent.

The goal is to give some leverage to spouses who don't want divorce, which
is the case in four of five divorces, Mr. McManus says. Divorce laws are
"rigged to destroy families, not to preserve them," he says, since they
allow one spouse to end a marriage for any reason, at any time.

Mr. McManus wants Congress to "nudge" states by passing a law to reduce a
state's welfare grants by 5 percent unless it passes a mutual-consent
divorce law.

This is a strategy similar to the one Congress used to reduce drunken
driving: States that didn't set their legal drinking age at 21 would forfeit
10 percent of their highway funding. Age 21 soon became the norm.

The welfare grant should be tied to divorce reduction because one of the
purposes of federal welfare funding is to "encourage the formation and
maintenance of two-parent families," Mr. McManus argues. Plus there's a
welfare "surplus," he says, since the welfare caseload has dropped 60
percent but the $16.5 billion welfare grant hasn't decreased a dime.

Government, he adds, has a vested interest in reducing divorce since it
spends billions to support broken families. Plus, mutual-consent divorce
laws would ensure that both spouses have equal say in the fate of their
marriage.

Your thoughts, America?

€ Cheryl Wetzstein can be reached at cwetzstein at washingtontimes.com.
Add as Favorite

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- MORE DRS ROMANCE: SHOULD I STAY OR GO?

Each time I share a Dr Romance request for advice, I hear from subscribers
asking that I do this more often.  Just as when I share a quote from the
quotes list.  I always vow to do it, then get busy and forget.  But here's
one more that came in this week.  This one I sent out for consultation -
there are many experts in the coalition!  - diane

>> Hi Diane:
>>
>> Thanks for sharing "Robin's story" about contemplating separation.  I have
>> always thought that separation/divorce was not an option, nor a good solution
>> for children.  However, I have attended two SmartMarriage conferences,
>> marriage seminars, marriage education classes, as well as some with my
>> husband. Most recently, I have been in therapy for the past eight months.  We
>> both attended a few couple sessions, but he didn't want to continue.  We've
>> been married for almost 14 years, have three children, and he says he loves
>> me and wants the marriage to continue.  Although he does (on some strange
>> level) seem to be trying to change, he has had three affairs (that I am aware
>> of) and on occasion stays out very late, supposedly "playing cards".  I am at
>> my wits end.  And even though I have tried many of the suggestions you
>> offered Robin, I feel as though I'm fighting for the marriage by myself.  It
>> has been suggested that perhaps separation is inevitable.  On the other hand,
>> some of my spiritual guidance has suggested to "hang in there".  I love my
>> husband and have been willing to try to make it work.  Even though the
>> thought of separation is not something that I like to entertain, unless there
>> are other suggestions, I almost feel like it is the only alternative.
>>
>> Pat
> Pat, you are right.  Robin was in a young marriage and dealing with overwork
> and lack of time together.  Your situation is more challenging.  I'll send
> this to a few infidelity experts and ask them to advise you including how you
> might assess your husband's current "staying out late" behavior - and/or how
> you might ask for more accountability. It's obvious you know all the reasons
> to try to make this work for you, your husband, and the three kids.
- diane 

Dear Pat, 

I'm one of the 'trusted infidelity experts' Diane wrote, asking to respond
to your situation.

It would be irresponsible of me (or anyone else) to tell you what you
'should' do regarding the dilemma over separating or 'hanging in there.'
Here's an excerpt from my book, "The Monogamy Myth", where I explain why no
one else can advise you as to what to do:
"There isn't any right or wrong decision to make about staying married or
getting a divorce, only the one that works for each individual personally.
Two different people may have the same set of conditions but make different
decisions--and in each case it might be the best decision for each of them.
That's because people have differing values and priorities about factors
that have an impact on their decision."

However, while I can't possibly know what decision is best in your
situation, I CAN say something about the smarter 'process' to use. It's not
just which decision you make - but how, when, and why you make it - that
makes all the difference in how you are able to LIVE with the decision. So
if you do all you feel is reasonable for you to do for as long as you feel
it's reasonable to do it, then you're likely to be able to be secure in the
fact that you made the right decision - for YOU. People who fail to do it in
that way wind up 'second-guessing' themselves and having more difficulty in
living with their decision. (As I said, no one can make that determination
but you.)

As emotional as it is to deal with this kind of situation, you need to think
as rationally as possible in order to make the best decision. However,
emotional factors are also important. For instance, the fact that you still
love him is important - and the fact that he occasionally seems to be making
an effort provides hope. Of course, there's also very little evidence for
optimism based on his unwillingness to be accountable for his actions on an
ongoing basis. 

However, the prospects for the marriage depend far less on what happened in
the past than on what someone does NOW and in the future. So beginning at
this point, it's wise to do as objective an assessment as possible over a
period of months - not getting too hopeful if there's a particular good day
or too hopeless when there's a bad day. You're looking to assess whether
'overall' you're making any progress. If there's improvement, it's
reasonable to keep trying, but if the time comes when there is no
improvement or things are getting even worse, then it may be the 'writing on
the wall.' 

I the meantime, its critical to 'take care of yourself.' It sounds like
you're in a one-down position and have practically no leverage. I think it
would be helpful to read an excerpt from a book called "The Passion Trap"
that talks about how to take care of yourself when you're in this kind of
'one-down' situation. So here's one of my previous Q & A's about this point.
http://www.dearpeggy.com/one-down-position.html

Finally, here http://www.dearpeggy.com/marriage-divorce-dilemma.html are
some excerpts from "The Monogamy Myth" about dealing with the
marriage/divorce dilemma that includes questions like:
--Is it best to stay?
--What about staying when they've had multiple affairs?
--What about separating?
--Would a separation have helped?
--Why does he want me now that I want a divorce?
--How long should I wait to decide?
--Should we just give up and move on?

I do hope some of this perspective will be helpful.

Peggy Vaughan
peggy at dearpeggy.com

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- CHILDREN OF DIVORCE CAN DESIGN MARRIAGES THAT LAST

It is nice when we see so much divorce contagion  what appears to be the
relentless intergenerational transmission of divorce  to find examples of
adult children of divorce that have drawn a line in the sand and said "this
stops here".  The second article from Huffington Post (which more than 20 of
you sent for forwarding to the list), that muses on the effect of a
Barack/Michele example in the White House, was written by Smart Marriages
presenters Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks creators The Relationship Solution,
their TOOB program.  Obviously they are Obama supporters, but they do
provide food for thought as they examine the recent history of presidential
marriage examples.  I guess you could go back to John and Abigail Adams and
find good role models!  Or, we could adopt the European attitude and say it
makes no difference.....in America we have separation of church and state; I
guess in Europe they have separation of marriage and leadership.  As I said,
food for thought.  - diane
-------------------------------
- IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER
Boston Globe/Oct 2, 2008

Hi Diane...
For the list: In the Name of the Father: http://tinyurl.com/4edqhf

You have to read to the end, but basically, Elan Sasson is the son of Vidal
Sasson and grew up in high flying, rich, celebrity laden circles.  He is a
child of divorce, but he married at 24 and is now 38.  His past informs his
desire to put family and marriage first.  I thought it was telling....

Thanks for considering passing it along to the email list...
Wendy Williams, M.Ed., RN
Relationship Educator
Boston, MA
---------------------------------------
- THE OBAMA RELATIONSHIP: A MAJOR BENEFIT NOBODY'S TALKING ABOUT
Huffington Post/ October 2, 2008
 Kathyln and Gay Hendricks

> Why would their relationship be a benefit to the American public and the world
> at large? The main reason is that it would be genuinely useful to have a
> visible, public role model of what a healthy relationship looks like. Over the
> last fifty years there's been a parade of not-so-great relationship models in
> the White House. They range from idol-worship (Nancy's perpetually-adoring
> glaze, oops we mean gaze, at Ronnie) to the sternly maternal façade of the
> first Mrs. Bush. We've witnessed White House marriages strained to the
> breaking point by secrets. The country lost 50 million dollars and a year of
> the government's focus because one president actually did have sex with "that
> woman" but wouldn't tell us the truth until he was outed by DNA.
> 
> How about Camelot? Many of us were fooled into thinking the Kennedys were the
> very picture of a Perfect Relationship. There was a handsome, rich Prince with
> knockout hair, coupled with a doll-Princess whose faraway smile and breathy,
> little-girl voice made her seem heaven-sent. Unfortunately, it was all just a
> fantasy. In reality, John was a serial philanderer and Jackie was a
> chain-smoker who swore like a sailor and dropped the little-girl voice the
> moment she walked off-stage.
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