Orange County Unites / Marriage Saver Mission/ Message Boards / Yosemite - 5/21/08

[Smartmarriages]

- ORANGE COUNTY CHURCHES UNITE TO SAVE MARRIAGES
- MARRIAGE SAVERS: A MISSION TO SAVE MARRIAGES
- MESSAGE BOARDS AT CONFERENCE
- YOSEMITE BY GROUP TOUR
- GALLOP POLL

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- ORANGE COUNTY CHURCHES UNITE TO SAVE MARRIAGES

Nice coverage!
And, this is a sobering quote, a reality, that we all need to keep in mind:

> "A lot of our couples have not had the access to these classes because a lot
> of them have not had the finances to attend," Meza said.
> 
> A $10 or $12 book might not seem like a lot of money to many people, Meza
> said, but often he sees families who have to decide between a meal for the
> family or materials for a class.


O.C. churches unite to save marriages
A group of church leaders meet to put an end to divorce.
By SERENA MARIA DANIELS
THE ORANGE COUNTY REGISTER

FULLERTON ­ Couples wanting to strengthen their relationships will get to
take marriage classes and attend counseling at one of about 120 Orange
County churches, after several local pastors vowed to help people improve
marriage skills.

Nearly 100 pastors of several denominations gathered at the Eastside
Christian Church to sign a pact asking them to emphasize the importance of
marriage education in their congregations.

The idea: when husbands and wives are in healthy relationships, they are
less likely to divorce, and they make better parents, said John Erwin,
project director for the Orange County Marriage Education Initiative.

"When I saw the research on what happens with marriages ­ mostly ending in
divorce ­ I thought we've got to do something," Erwin said.

Dennis Stoica, president of the California Healthy Marriage Initiative, said
Tuesday's meeting was historical.

"In the church community, it's hard to get 100 pastors to agree on anything
­ but we all agree that family is important," Stoica said.

Hyepin Im, president of Los Angeles-based Korean Churches for Community
Development, helped to mobilize the Korean American community to start
taking classes, which she said, often must learn to balance traditional and
more American expectations of what marriage means.

"There's this old saying, 'If your mom and your wife were drowning, who
would you save?'" Im said. "If you're American, it's your wife, but not for
many Koreans."

Since classes, such as "10 Great Dates" have been introduced in local Korean
congregations, Im said attendance has skyrocketed.

At a recent class, more than 120 participants attended.

Ariel Meza is the executive director of Amor de Orange County (Love of
Orange County), a faith-based coalition of 27 churches mostly in the Santa
Ana area.

The organization mostly serves the community's Latino population, by
offering affordable classes in both English and Spanish.

"A lot of our couples have not had the access to these classes because a lot
of them have not had the finances to attend," Meza said.

A $10 or $12 book might not seem like a lot of money to many people, Meza
said, but often he sees families who have to decide between a meal for the
family or materials for a class.

He attributes poverty, teen pregnancy and other problems within the Latino
community, to a poor family dynamic at home.

Many church leaders participating in the initiative agree that once parents
decide to participate in their congregations' programs, which can include
classes, counseling, and other activities, their relationships with their
kids improve.

"They use the skills they've learned with each other on their children and
learn to relate to their kids better," said Graydon Jessup, senior pastor at
Eastside.

One topic that did come up was the recent decision by the California Supreme
Court to overturn the ban on gay marriage.

"We know that is a very important issue to a lot of people," Stoica said,
but that the initiative would not comment on political issues.

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- MARRIAGE SAVERS: A MISSION TO SAVE MARRIAGES

A mission to save marriages
Potomac couple uses community-wide approach to reduce divorce rate
Montgomery Gazette 
by Erin Donaghue | Staff Writer
May 21, 2008

For Owings Mills resident Ted Yadlowsky, a previous failed marriage
encouraged him to seek out marriage mentoring sessions for he and his
girlfriend with Potomac residents Mike and Harriet McManus.

In 1996, Mike and Harriet McManus founded the Potomac-based organization
Marriage Savers, which enlists members of the clergy to try to slash the
divorce rate in the country ‹ about 50 percent, according to The Coalition
for Marriage, Family, and Couples Education. The McManuses also pair
long-time married couples with the newly engaged to try to get them talking
about their relationship before they tie the knot.

ŒŒIt gives them permission to talk about issues that, in the glow of
romance, they might not discuss,² Harriet McManus said, citing issues such
as spending money and time management.

Many churches commonly encourage couples to undergo pre-marital sessions,
but Mike McManus says the church doesn¹t go far enough to drive down
divorces. ŒŒI think that pastors become inured to the problem; they tend to
think there¹s nothing that can be done,² he said.

Yadlowsky underwent a pre-marital education session through the Catholic
church, but said that he and his ex-wife were mostly going through the
motions. ŒŒOur plan was to get married within two months,² Yadlowsky said.
ŒŒWe looked at it as, ŒHow do I get through this really quickly¹?²

He said he would often give the ŒŒpolitically correct² answers rather than
delve into deeper issues.

He said he sees marriage in the future of his current relationship and is
using the mentoring as a way to open discussion lines between he and his
girlfriend ‹ dealing with issues like the couples¹ differing styles of
spending and saving.

In his previous marriage, Yadlowsky said he was married for about five years
before his divorce. ŒŒHad I done something like this before our marriage, we
would have never gotten married,² Yadlowsky said.

Pairing young couples with older ŒŒmentor² couples is one aspect of a
Community Marriage Policy, a program developed by McManus that brings the
clergy within a community together to drive down divorce.

The clergy of 223 cities and towns had adopted a Community Marriage Policy.

ŒŒThe strategy is to use the people within the church and equip them to be
marriage savers,² said Mike McManus. ŒŒWe travel all over the country
training groups of churches to take these steps.²

As part of a Community Marriage Policy, couples who are set to tie the knot
are given a pre-marital ŒŒinventory² to start discussing common issues, such
as spending habits and time management, that may arise in their
relationships. Marriage enrichment events are held for couples who are
already married, and the churches agree to help restore troubled marriages
by setting them up to be mentored by couples who were once in the same
position and ŒŒmade it through.² A special program focusing on stepfamilies
has also been developed, and the program also focuses on reconciling
separated couples.

According to McManus, the strategy works. In Modesto, Calif., the first
community in the country to enact a Community Marriage Policy, McManus said
the divorce rate was cut in half since it signed the agreement since 1986.
Loudoun County, Va., has signed a Community Marriage Policy. Montgomery
County, however, has not.

Staving off relationships that aren¹t working before marriage is one
important aspect of the Community Marriage Policy, according to McManus¹s
wife, Harriet, who is also involved with the organization. She and her
husband mentor younger couples, and of the 58 they have mentored, nine have
decided not to marry.

ŒŒIn my mind, that¹s an avoided divorce down the road,² Harriet McManus
said.

The McManuses also make the case against co-habitation, encouraging couples
not to live together before marriage. The attitude of ŒŒtrying the shoe on²
often works against the mindset of making a long-term commitment, they said.

Diane Sollee, founder and director of the Washington-based Coalition for
Marriage, Families and Couples Education, agrees. The organization works to
bring research about marriage and families to couples.

Some research shows that men can ŒŒslide² into a marriage after living with
a girlfriend, actually increasing chances for divorce, Sollee said. ŒŒIt¹s
almost dishonorable to break up with you after living with you for four
years,² Sollee said.

However, ŒŒco-habitation is not the death knell² of a relationship, she
said. The most important thing is for couples to make sure they become
educated about the realities of marriage, and to understand and accept that
there is no perfect couple, she said.

ŒŒThe most important thing that they need to understand is that
[disagreeing] is normal,² Sollee said. ŒŒIt doesn¹t mean I¹m with the wrong
person.

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- MESSAGE BOARDS AT CONFERENCE

> Diane -
> We have an opening for a full time Marriage Minister/Pastor at our church.
> Will the Smart Marriages Conference have a board for posting jobs this year?
> Christine Keeling Taylor
> Menlo Park Presbyterian Church
> Menlo Park, CA 
> ckeeling at stanford.edu

Yes, there will be the usual message boards for all kinds of postings near
the Smart Marriages registration desk.  We simply ask that you keep them
small.  Maybe type up a notice on a 3 x 5 card and bring it with you to
post.  - diane 

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- YOSEMITE BY GROUP TOUR

> Diane,  
> Those who are interested in going to Yosemite might be interested in going
> with one of the tour groups that provides transportation, camping equipment
> and food from downtown SF.  The price is very reasonable for a three night
> camping experience. They take you to a campgroup near the park, show you the
> highlights of Yosemite one day and then help you do your own plans the second
> day.  I hiked up to Nevada Falls with a group of Australians and a 65 year old
> woman from Usbeckistan with her son who had just graduated from San Jose
> state. A really memorable experience. I found my group online. I think there
> are several operators.
> Jane Leingang
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- GALLOP POLL

> Diane,
> I saw on the list about the Gallop poll showing that 70% of Americans think
> that divorce is morally acceptable.
> I found this link on Gallop's website:
> http://www.gallup.com/poll/107380/Cultural-Tolerance-Divorce-Grows-70.aspx
> and I thought that others might be interested in reading it.  It includes some
> charts with more statistics.
> Ruth Whipple


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12th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, Hilton San Francisco Hotel,
June 30-July 6, 2008  (General Conference July 2-5)
Pre-Conference Training Institutes June 30-July 2
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 6
DOWNLOAD a conference brochure and register at:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/download.brochure.html

List your program and resources on the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html

Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or
http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332

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