Ready For Love / Einstein / Mother's Day / All In the Family / - 5/8/08

[Smartmarriages]

- READY FOR LOVE - NEW PROGRAM FOR WORKING WITH SINGLES/INDIVIDUALS LAUNCHES
- ELIZABETH EINSTEIN ON STEPFAMILIES
- HMMMMM.....IS THIS A GOOD OR BAD ARTICLE FOR MOTHER'S DAY?
- WHERE DOES INCEST BEGIN?
####################
- READY FOR LOVE - NEW PROGRAM FOR WORKING WITH SINGLES/INDIVIDUALS LAUNCHES

"Ready for Love: Relationship Enhancement as a Path to Great Relationships"
will debut at Smart Marriages Institute #103 in San Francisco.  It brings
Bernard Guerney's Relationship Enhancement (RE) skills to yet another
population - individuals: to singles and to those who are in relationships
but can't get their partner to attend a marriage education class.  Ready for
Love parallels Mastering the Mysteries of Love with skills taught in the
same sequence plus introduces eight new activities. Institute #103 will now
equip participants to teach FOUR programs: Mastering the Mysteries of Love
RE, Ready for Love RE, Love's Cradle RE, and the traditional RE program all
based on the research-based, program-tested core RE skills.

> 103 Three Days - Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, June 30, July 1 & 2
> Mastering the Mysteries of Love, Ready for Love, & Love¹s Cradle
> Mary Ortwein, MS
> Qualify to teach four programs: the original Classic RE plus three new
> simplified programs, Mastering the Mysteries of Love, Ready for Love, and
> Love's Cradle (for couples with an infant). Plus add-on special focus
> seminars. Ideal for low-income, community or church based. Spanish version
> available. $150 spouse discount. See session #913 to become a
> Marriage-Education-Friendly therapist and join the California Marriage
> Therapist referral network. Click for more information:
> http://www.smartmarriages.com/re.html

##########################

- ELIZABETH EINSTEIN ON STEPFAMILIES

Expert advises on problems of stepfamilies
May 06, 2008
By Sally Kalson, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

We're very lucky to have Elizabeth presenting three times in San Francisco -
repeating her very highly rated workshops.

> 409 - 10am, July 4
> The Stepfamily Journey: Not for Wimps
> Elizabeth Einstein, MA
> Learn to provide couples with a trail map to master stepfamily developmental
> tasks. Understand emotional baggage, bonding, loyalty, and discipline.

> 709 - 12:45pm, July 5
> Teenage Stepkids
> Elizabeth Einstein, MA
> Stepfamily adjustment is hardest for teens ­ and, their parents! Learn to work
> with their developmental double binds around autonomy and bonding ­ all
> liberally sprinkled with hormones.

> 209 - 10am, July 3
> Active Parenting in Stepfamilies ­ TOOB
> Michael Popkin, PhD, Elizabeth Einstein, MA
> Teach the 5 keys to effective stepparenting, how to handle the predictable
> challenges that include loss, loyalty, & discipline, and how these proven
> skills will strengthen the marital bond.

A remarriage that involves children has even less chance of success than
marriage in general -- the failure rate is 60 percent for the former and
just under 50 percent for the latter.

It doesn't have to be that way, according to Elizabeth Einstein, the
pioneering stepfamily expert. That's why she keeps traveling the country
talking to parents, clergy and counselors about the need to slow down the
remarriage train until some critical issues have been faced and resolved.
She'll be at the University of Pittsburgh for two programs this week aimed
at families and the professionals who counsel them."Stepfamilies are
different structurally and developmentally," Ms. Einstein said from her
office in Ithaca, N.Y. "People bring emotional baggage that's never been
dealt with, and it only gets more complicated" in the new configuration,
with unresolved loss, grief and anger, jealousy over a new person in the
house and disagreements over discipline.

One of her workshop exercises involves wrapping family groups up with cord,
draping them with signs representing unresolved relationships and issues,
and then asking them to see how far they can move. People may end up
laughing, but in real life it's a lot less entertaining, she said.

A marriage and family therapist, Ms. Einstein co-founded the Stepfamily
Association of America (now the National Stepfamily Resource Center) at a
time when few recognized the special challenges of blended families. She has
published a new book, "Strengthening Your Stepfamily" (Impact Publishers),
and co-authored a video-based teaching tool called "Active Parenting for
Stepfamilies" with Michael Popkin that recently won a Telly Award.

In her workshops for professionals, she said, "I come down pretty hard on
the clergy for not preparing families correctly. Clergy are often the first
ones who get hooked up when people want to remarry. They need to know how to
help them."

Sometimes, she said, adults have done their work -- getting a "healthy"
divorce, working to avoid adversarial relationships with their exes.

"Then the children will be better prepared," she said. "If not, they'll
withdraw and rebel. That's particularly dangerous with adolescents, who may
act out with drugs, sex and alcohol; young children, who can't articulate
their feelings, get headaches and bellyaches and can't go to school."

Ms. Einstein said these may be her last workshops in Pittsburgh, "although
I've been saying that for several years now. After 25 years of this I'm
getting tired of traveling, but I just love the work."

###########################
- HMMMMM.....IS THIS A GOOD OR BAD ARTICLE FOR MOTHER'S DAY?

This isn't new, it's all research we've seen before but I'm sharing it since
it's "in the news" and couples may bring it up. Maybe it helps ­ as Mother's
Day approaches ­ to highlight just how much Mothers (and Fathers) put in,
but it would be terrible if this kind of reporting discouraged anyone from
having kids. It's crucial to realize that this research simply describes the
trajectory during marriage - the ups and downs in satisfaction as people
raise kids.  It's NOT comparing the long range happiness and satisfaction of
humans that have kids to humans that skip parenting altogether.  This
research is perhaps most useful in normalizing things for parents of 12-16
year olds ­ lets them know same thing is going on behind the other white
picket fences. I encourage you to share this info with couples - be sure
they realize that pre-teens/teens are what's going on, that it's not their
marriage.  And, this reinforces the importance of offering Marriage
Education classes to parents....to help them cleave together, communicate,
manage disagreements and money, and make time for each other, dates, and
passion as they raise and launch their bundles of joy.  Check out the many
PARENTING programs being offered in San Francisco - a bunch of workshops and
Exhibits.  A new exhibit this year, Scream Free Parenting, sounds
interesting!  And maybe this research explains why Tom Phelan's program
SURVIVING YOUR ADOLESCENTS has more registrations than any - has more
registrations than any of them.  Check out the Parenting TRACK and the
STEPPARENTING TRACK - http://www.smartmarriages.com/tracks.html - diane



Harvard Professor: Children Can Send Marriage Into Downward Spiral
May 08, 2008

Marriage has been shown, through research, to be an unending source of joy,
a Harvard professor said at an Australian conference this week.

But introduce children into the relationship and that joy may plummet,
according to a report from the Australian Associated Press.

"Figures show that married people are in almost every way happier than
unmarried people ‹ whether they are single, divorced, cohabiting," Harvard
University psychology professor Daniel Gilbert told the Happiness and its
Causes conference in Sydney.

"Married people live longer, married people earn more money per capita,
married people have more sex and enjoy it more," AAP quoted Gilbert as
saying.

But, despite the belief that children are the apples of our eyes, they
actually can have a negative influence on marriages, according to the
report. And more kids equals more sadness, Gilbert said.

U.S. and European studies show that married couples¹ happiness spikes when
they're expecting a baby but once that baby arrives, it plummets.

And forget about empty nest syndrome. The low point comes when children are
between the ages of 12 and 16 and happiness only starts to recover once they
fly the coop, Gilbert said.

Longer version from AAP:

MARRIAGE is a constant source of joy, but introducing children into the
relationship will send your happiness in a downward spiral, a conference has
been told.

Marriage, money and children were conventionally considered to be the
cornerstone of happiness but such thinking did not stand up to scientific
scrutiny, Harvard University psychology professor Daniel Gilbert told the
Happiness and its Causes conference in Sydney today.

According to scientific and economic research, only marriage proved to be a
constant source of joy.

"Figures show that married people are in almost every way happier than
unmarried people - whether they are single, divorced, cohabiting," Prof
Gilbert said.

"Married people live longer, married people earn more money per capita,
married people have more sex and enjoy it more.

"Married people seem to be happier on every dimension that you can imagine."

Money can also buy happiness - just not as much happiness as people think.

"Money buys you a lot of happiness first and then it buys you less and less
- every dollar buys you less happiness as the dollar before, and you reach a
point where money is doing almost nothing for your happiness," Prof Gilbert
said.

"But it's never the case that more money makes you sadder. If you get
millions and millions you never get depressed about it."

And despite the belief that children were the apples of our eyes, they
actually had a negative impact on happiness.

The more kids you had, the sadder you were likely to be, Prof Gilbert said.

US and European studies had shown that people's happiness did spike while
they were expecting a baby but sharply plummeted after the child was born.

The low point came when children reached the ages of 12-16, and recovered
only when they had flown the coop, he said.

"In reality ... children do seem to increase happiness as long as you're
expecting them, but as soon as you have them, trouble sets in," he said.

"People are extremely happy before they have children and then their
happiness goes down, and it takes another big hit when kids reach
adolescence.

"When does it come back to it's original baseline? Oh, about the time the
children grow up and go away."

Explaining why the statistics conflicted with most people's view of
parenthood, Prof Gilbert made the unusual comparison to buying a pair of
Armani socks.

"When people own Armani socks they can't stop telling you they are the best
socks, the most amazing socks," he said.

"(But) I suspect that one of the reasons that people who own Armani socks
think they are wonderful is because they have paid $85 for a pair.

"The psychologists tell us that we like things more when we pay for them -
what does that sound like? It sounds like children. We pay for them in time,
attention, blood, sweat and tears - what kind of idiots would we be to
devote all of that to the rearing of our young if they'd didn't bring us
some happiness?"

The fact that parenthood crowded out all other things in life could explain
why we considered children our greatest source of joy, he said.

"Parents tell me all the time that: `My child is my greatest source of
joy'," he said.

"My reply is that: `Yes, when you have one source of joy, it's bound to be
your greatest'."

#####################

- WHERE DOES INCEST BEGIN?
All in the Family: Where Does Incest Begin?
No Clear Consensus on Whether Cousins Should Be Allowed to Marry
By SCOTT MICHELS
ABCNews.com
May 7, 2008

> "It's an obvious form of genetic discrimination," she said of laws banning
> cousins from marrying or that allow marriages only on the condition that the
> husband and wife undergo genetic counseling or won't have children. "We don't
> forbid other people with a high risk of other genetic problems from having a
> child."
> 
> In parts of the Middle East, Africa and Asia, marriages between cousins are
> commonplace.

Hmmmmm.....Incest or "genetic discrimination"????  Another fall out of
divorce and sibs being raised apart.   - diane


Danielle Heaney and Nick Cameron were convicted of incest, and the half
brother and sister were sentenced to nine months' probation. As a compromise
of sorts, the courts in their native Scotland allow the couple to live
together but not sleep together.

If the couple moved to France, where Napoleon abolished incest laws nearly
200 years ago, their relationship wouldn't be criminal. If they lived in
Idaho, however, they could face up to 10 years in prison.

While there is a widespread cultural taboo against incest, there appears to
be no modern consensus on whether all such relationships should be banned or
how close is too close when it comes to familial relationships. All U.S.
states and most countries bar marriages within the nuclear family, but
American cultural mores aside, there is far less agreement about half
siblings or first cousins.

"In many parts of the world, it's a legal and even preferred form of
marriage," said Robin Bennett, a genetics counselor at the University of
Washington and the former president of the National Society of Genetics
Counselors, referring to marriages between cousins.

There have been a number of justifications for anti-incest laws, which
historians trace at least as far back as the Bible, the book of Leviticus,
which bars sexual relationships between certain family members.

The anthropologist Claude Levi-Strauss theorized that forcing men to look
outside their families for a mate would foster the exchange of members among
groups, the building of alliances and, ideally, the avoidance of conflict.
And, there is the well-known propensity toward genetic disorders among
children of incest.

Some geneticists and sociologists, however, question whether these are
reasons to ban all relationships among relatives, even half siblings like
Heaney and Cameron.

Bennett said that while there is a higher risk of birth defects from
marrying half siblings, that does not mean the risk is so high that those
marriages should always be banned.

Bennett is co-author of a 2002 study that showed that first cousins can have
children together without a great risk of genetic defects. Children of first
cousin marriages -- banned in about half of the U.S. states -- have serious
genetic disorders or mental retardation about 1.7 to 2.8 percent more often
than children of unrelated parents, the study found.

"It's an obvious form of genetic discrimination," she said of laws banning
cousins from marrying or that allow marriages only on the condition that the
husband and wife undergo genetic counseling or won't have children. "We
don't forbid other people with a high risk of other genetic problems from
having a child."

In parts of the Middle East, Africa and Asia, marriages between cousins are
commonplace.

Several recent highly publicized cases put the spotlight on so-called
genetic sexual attraction. "There is a consistent and necessary need to be
close to each other physically," Cameron told "Good Morning America." "To
actually feel each other close."

Cameron and Heaney share the same mother but grew up apart. Cameron was put
into foster care when he was just a toddler while Heaney was raised by their
birth mother.

They met only once during childhood, a brief meeting arranged by social
services. Then, two years ago, they reunited at a family reunion.

"I think the first time I saw Danielle I found her very attractive," Cameron
said. "But I also thought, 'Hang on a second, this is your sister you're
talking about.'"

These cases are rarely considered by the courts, which have not been
sympathetic to siblings who want to marry. Earlier this year Germany's
highest court upheld a law that makes incest a criminal offense, rejecting
an appeal by a man who was sentenced to prison after fathering four children
with his sister. The court cited the need to protect the family order and
avoid serious genetic illness.

A U.S. federal appeals court rejected a similar appeal in 2005 by a brother
and sister who had several children together.

That doesn't necessarily mean cousins should be banned from marrying or that
a court would uphold a ban on marriages between cousins, said Joanna
Grossman, a law professor at Hofstra University, who has written about
incest. "I don't think there is a justification for the cousin marriage
ban," she said.

The best justification against relationships between family members, she
argued, is to prevent the corruption of families and protect children from
becoming victims of abuse. That justification doesn't necessarily apply to
marriages between consenting adult cousins who grew up apart, she said.

Still, she said, don't expect major overhauls to anti-incest laws anytime
soon.

"There would be more variation [between laws] if anyone spent any time
thinking about it, but the truth is no one cares that much," she said.
"There's no incest lobby. Most states have never gone back to the table to
see if they want the law to say something different than it did 200 years
ago."

Copyright © 2008 ABC News Internet Ventures

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