PARENTAL Infidelity /Retrouvaille /Grammas Wisdom / Wife Advice - 5/2/08

Fri May 2 17:41:08 EDT 2008

- JUST TO SHOW YOUR HELP IS APPRECIATED: FROM A STUDENT
- PARENTAL INFIDELITY RESEARCH
- ANOTHER WONDERFUL RETROUVAILLE ARTICLE
- GOOD HUSBAND ADVICE: GRAMMA'S WISDOM & LATEST WIFE ADVICE

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- JUST TO SHOW YOUR HELP IS APPRECIATED: FROM A STUDENT
- PARENTAL INFIDELITY RESEARCH

I want to share this with the list because I often ask you to help students
with their dissertation.  I actually receive lots of gratitude from the
students and should probably pass more of it on.  This thank you note from
Allison Thorson is so interesting that it made me think of doing so.  First
so you can see the gratitude, and second, because the findings are
pertinent.  - diane

Good afternoon Diane,

My name is Allison Thorson. I am a PhD student and researcher at the
University of Nebraska.

Last year (Spring 2007) you sent your smartmarriages list the link to a
survey I was using to collect data on parental infidelity.  Of the 438
participants who filled out this online survey, 126 (28.8%) indicated that
their parents relationship involved infidelity. The information has been
instrumental in yielding a better understanding of the communication which
occurs between parents and children surrounding parental infidelity.

I want to thank you and your organization for your support in  conducting
this research which has resulted in two manuscripts, one which will be
published in a 2008/2009 issue of Communication Studies and another which
will be presented at the 2008 National Communication Association annual
conference that is currently under review for publication. These
manuscripts are a direct result of your support.

In the next month I will be launching another web-based survey which  will
examine children's forgiveness of their parent after learning about their
infidelity. I would like to thank your list members in  advance for what I
hope will be their continued support. I will send the link as soon as the
study is approved by the University  Internal Review Board.

In case your readers would like to know what I found, here's a summary:

Thorson, A. R. (2008, November). The Influence of Discovery Method on
Relational Outcomes: A Study of Parental Infidelity. Top student paper
to be presented to the Interpersonal Communication Division at the
annual meeting of the Central States Communication Association, San
Diego, CA.

This study had two goals. First, I wanted to understand the different
ways adult children became aware of their parents infidelities.
Second, I wanted to know if the way a child learned about parental
infidelity impacted the relationship they have with their
parent today.

I found that the ways adult children learned of their
parent's infidelity could be grouped into five categories (listed from
most often to least often):
1)learned from a family member (other than their parent who engaged in
infidelity
2) learned by finding out some explicit information at a single point
in time which they were not intended to know or find
3) discovered from their parent who cheated
4) learned incrementally or they pieced bits and pieces of information
together over a period of time to draw this conclusion
5) learned from a non-family member or a third party discovery

Second, it was important to examine whether the way a child learned
about their PARENT's infidelity impacted the parent-child relationship
because previous research suggests that the way we find out about a
PARTNER's infidelity can be directly tied to whether or not we stay
with our partner, forgive them, etc.  When this was tested, I found
that the WAY a child learned about their parent's infidelity did NOT
significantly impact the degree of satisfaction or the social support
offered to the child by their offending parent following the discovery
of his or her infidelity. This does not mean that the way we learn
about our parent's infidelity is not important, but it does suggest
that the dynamics of the PARENT-CHILD relationship might be so
different from those of dating or married COUPLES that we cannot use
research from one group and apply it directly to that of the
parent-child relationship.

Again, my sincerest thanks,
Allison Thorson

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- ANOTHER WONDERFUL RETROUVAILLE ARTICLE

It's hard to believe a marriage like this, 38 years of marriage and 5
grandchildren, could be so close to the edge, but it happens every day.
If there is not a Retrouvaille chapter in your area, you MUST get one
started. The programs are run by volunteers and are on a "pay what you can
afford" basis.  Attend the Retrouvaille workshop at the San Francisco
conference and stop by their exhibit.

> 512 - Fri, July 4, 2:30pm
> Retrouvaille: No Such Thing as A Hopeless Case
> Shawn and Kim Doyle
> Restore even the most troubled marriages with this 3-month program in which
> those who have "been to the brink" teach others how to heal. Learn how to
> create a program in your community.

Couples rescue their marriages through Retrouvaille

Don Retson
Edmonton Journal/Canada
May 02, 2008

EDMONTON - When much of the world was fretting in late 1999 about the
world's possible collapse over the Y2K millennium bug, Ann Lewis was
confronted with the very real challenge and heartbreak of a marriage gone
bad.

After 38 years of marriage, two children and five grandchildren, she and
husband E.J. were on the verge of divorce. Things were so tense she couldn't
even bring herself to talk to E.J. about a magazine article she'd read about
a ministry, launched in Quebec in the 1970s, that throws a lifeline to
couples in deep pain.

One day, in a rare civil moment, E.J. asked if there was something Ann
wanted for her upcoming birthday. She responded by running into their
bedroom, grabbing the article from her bedside table and showing it to E.J.

"That's all I want," she told him. "That's all I want."

Since he'd asked, E.J. could hardly refuse to give the Retrouvaille program
a try. Yet such was the shaky state of their union the two almost didn't
make it to the hotel where the weekend seminar was held. On the way there,
E.J. sniped that he'd been "tricked" by his wife into going.

The retired military officer was singing a different tune by late Sunday
afternoon. The weekend provided him with some useful communication tools,
although E.J. realized it wasn't a two-day cure for their marriage.

"I told her we had to finish the program and get involved" with the local
Retrouvaille community, E.J. said. "I felt that we could give back to
others."

Thanks to Retrouvaille, a French word meaning rediscovery, the couple's
marriage is rock solid.

"It's the best that it's ever been," said Ann, who along with E.J. are the
community co-ordinators of Edmonton Retrouvaille. The Leduc couple are also
the regional support and development couple of Retrouvaille for Western
Canada and seven U.S. states

The next Retrouvaille weekend is set for Aug. 22-24.  The Retrouvaille
website is www.helpourmarriage.com.
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- GOOD HUSBAND ADVICE: GRAMMA'S WISDOM & LATEST WIFE ADVICE

Both of these are very nice and both remind me of Scott Haltzman's
book/workshop Secrets of Happily Married Men which was among the highest
rated sessions at Smart Marriages Denver, so will be repeated in SF in 2008:
> 803- SF Smart Marriages, Sat July 5, 4pm
> Win Your Wife¹s Heart Forever
> Scott Haltzman, MD
> If we can build skyscrapers and land on Mars, we can also figure out how to
> succeed at marriage. Eight Secrets From Happily Married Men on how to win 
> and keep  the prize. For men only.

GRAMMA'S WISDOM: 
The ideas for these posts sprang from the question, "What do wives wish good
husbands knew?"  This post was written by Granny Sykes, who is a newspaper
columnist and author of the book Operations and Maintenance Manual of Female
Homosapiens.

Bad news, guys.  The top things a woman wants from a man are
all emotional things.  We want to feel cherished, secure, romanced,
and connected.  The good news is I stopped at four.

And even better news. I can decode our amorphous ³feelings² into actual
actions you can deliver

CHERISHED.
We want to be the reason you get up and slay dragons. Tell us that. Rave
about how we inspire you to be a better man in front of others. Compliments
are more potent in front of others.

Find a physical attribute that is germane to only us (which weight and age
won¹t ruin) that sends you over the moon‹our dimples, our belly button, our
pouty lower lip, the widow¹s peak in our hairline, the shape of our
fingernails. All other women should be lesser in comparison to us.

Even when caught noticing a younger, prettier woman, she is to remind you of
us. No matter what she is wearing or doing inspires you to apply it to us.
We would look good in it or doing it.

SECURE.
Don¹t let us live in fear. Never, ever threaten to divorce us. Don¹t bully
us, shame us, hit us, or curse at us.

Live within your budget. Then we can relax and can help you reach your
dreams. You don¹t like it when we gain weight? We don¹t like when it you
have bill collectors calling day and night.

Be a soft place to fall for our troubles. We need to know you are in our
corner‹not our boss¹ or colleague¹s. Take our side even when we are wrong,
which only means you say our point of view is valid. When you first
acknowledge our point of view is valid, we can then be reasonable and listen
to other solutions that might work better.

ROMANCED.
Translation: jewelry, flowers, exotic vacations, hand made gifts, love
notes, long walks together, back rubs, candlelight dinners. Keep courting us
like you did when we were dating. You got married thinking life would be a
constant source of sex? We got married thinking life would be a constant
flow of romance.

There¹s a payoff. Romance from you equals sex from us.

CONNECTED.
Give us your undivided attention at least one hour a day. Touch us often
(groping, fondling, and grabbing don¹t count).

You know how we always tell you all our problems and then don¹t let you fix
them? Well, we do want our action-adventure husbands to fix something‹us.
You can do that by simply saying, ³I¹m sorry that happened to you.² That
line says you felt our pain. Then hug us. We were on tilt and the hug put us
upright again. Now we were empowered to go fix our problem. See? You can fix
our feelings.

And we don¹t want you to be faithful just because you are virtuous. When
looking at a pretty woman, say instead, ³Sex with her would be empty. Only
you make my heart glow.²

http://www.agoodhusband.net/2008/05/grandmas-wisdom.html
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LATEST WIFE ADVICE:
During our recent trip my wife and I drove all over the place. We went from
Virginia to New Jersey, back to Virginia, back up to New Jersey, up to
Niagara Falls, down to Pittsburgh, and then back to Virginia. Thanks to
construction and mis-hearing the GPS instructions a few times, we spent 25
hours driving. Luckily we had our friends with us for one of the legs, but
my wife and I were alone for the other 21 hours of the trip. The trip to
Niagara and Pittsburgh was somewhat last minute, so I wasn¹t prepared for a
long trip in the car. By prepared I don¹t mean having snacks, music, books,
and other things to do - I mean mentally prepared. I don¹t have exact
calculations, but I spent at least 4 hours answering questions like, ŒWhy
did you marry me?² ³What do you like about me?² I spent another 2-4 hours
listening to my wife cry because I somehow couldn¹t figure out the correct
answers to her questions. If I only had that paper with my preset answers.

It was this experience that inspired this month¹s quick tip series: How to
survive a car trip when you are trapped alone with your wife.

The best idea is to get your wife a book so she can occupy herself in the
car. My wife has been reading some weirdo book series about vampire
teenagers. She brought one of the books in the series with us and read it
when she got bored with the baseball games or when there was some down time
during the day. Unfortunately she didn¹t have it in the car for most of the
trip, so I had to be the entertainment. Be sure to get a book that she will
enjoy, that is easy to read, and that will last the duration of the trip..
NOTE: If your wife gets motion sickness in the car, be sure to get some
medicine, otherwise reading will not be an option. ANOTHER NOTE: Try to
avoid a sappy love story about high school vampires. There¹s only so much
you will be able to take as your wife recounts each chapter.

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