SF - Hotel tip / Marriage Research & Podcast / Puppets and divorce/WEINER-DAVIS needs your help - 3/20/08

Thu Mar 20 15:32:34 EDT 2008

Happy Spring! 

- SAN FRANCISCO HERE WE COME
- IN SEARCH OF WEDDED BLISS: WHAT RESEARCH CAN TELL US
- HOW TO MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
- DIVORCE AND SESAME STREET
- MICHELE WEINER-DAVIS NEEDS YOUR HELP: SEXUAL DESIRE GAP

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- SAN FRANCISCO HERE WE COME

I'm just back from the pre-conference meeting in San Francisco.  I thank all
the wonderful Californians that attended and encourage you to continue to
send ideas/contacts/etc. Some of you have - just keep them coming!

We're going to have a GREAT conference. Even a short visit reminds me of
just what a BEAUTIFUL city it is and how incredible the food is - even in
the very inexpensive restaurants. We are lucky that our hotel is located
right in heart of the Union Square's theater, art gallery, shopping district
which means there are SO MANY excellent restaurants that you go nuts just
trying to decide where to eat. Many choices! I suggest you spend the first
hour in SF scouting the few blocks around the hotel and mapping out your
eating destinations - breakfast, quick lunch, dinner.  There must be 100
restaurants within those few blocks and you should try as many as you can.

HOTEL: Interesting tip and something I didn't know till this trip.  For an
additional $50 a night you can upgrade to a room above the 35th floor which
"guarantees a great view" and puts you on the Executive level which includes
free breakfast in the morning and hors d'oeuvers in the evening in the
Executive lounge on the 45th floor.  This is $50 PER ROOM so includes anyone
staying in a double/triple or quad room.  Not sure what I recommend - agree
the views ARE spectacular and the lounge is extremely convenient, BUT the
food in restaurants around the hotel is so good that you may not want to eat
in this lounge. However, it's also true that there is no way to gain entry
to the lounge unless you have an executive level room.  And to compound
things, City Scape restaurant on the very top - on the 46th floor - is
closing. The hotel will use that space for private parties (weddings, etc).
So the option to go up there for one meal or drink to take in the
spectacular view, is no longer available.  The hotel is also closing most of
its restaurants - they say it just doesn't pay: "Everyone goes across the
street to eat where there is great food at NON-hotel prices."  They'll have
only two upscale restaurants that will also be open to the public (open onto
the street).  They're 'under construction' so I didn't get to see the space
or menus/prices. 

American cancelled 700 flights in and out of the Dallas on Tues and I got
stuck in the Dallas on my return trip.   Spent 48 hrs getting back.  You can
imagine the nightmare.....a very humbling experience - we are at the mercy
of the weather.  - diane

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- IN SEARCH OF WEDDED BLISS: WHAT RESEARCH CAN TELL US

What a great article to come home to!

Makes very good points - that we love - and also very nice that it includes
live links to www.smartmarriages.com.  If you don't have your courses listed
on the Directory of Programs NOW is the time to get listed.  I've done at
least 5 big interviews this week, all of which will feature the Directory
website....and the number of interviews will increase exponentially as the
conference approaches. ALSO, as I've learned from Elizabeth's Thomas's
website optimization class, just having a link from a high-ranked site like
Smart Marriages TO YOUR SITE bumps you up in the search engine ratings. It's
only $75 for a 100 word listing with a live link.  To list:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/directorylisting.html

WORK & FAMILY
By SUE SHELLENBARGER
The Wall Street Journal
March 20, 2008     
In Search of Wedded Bliss:
What Research Can Tell Us

As the national divorce rate plateaus at historically high levels, many
people yearn to understand what makes a successful marriage. This has given
rise in recent years to an outpouring of confusing studies and surveys
attempting to nail down the odds of particular types of couples staying
together.

Which couples have the best chances? Depending on which study you believe --
they vary widely in quality -- you must get lots of education, earn a lot of
money, marry over age 25, live in a Blue State, be white, or be a
Presbyterian or a Catholic (but only a faithful one who attends Mass). What
doesn't help: being a born-again Christian, having daughters instead of
sons, having divorced parents or being born in Oklahoma. (Pilloried in the
media a few years ago for its high divorce rate, Oklahoma has mounted a
state-funded marriage-education program that has enrolled 133,000 people so
far, an official says.)
WORK & FAMILY MAILBOX

[go to article]
Sue Shellenbarger answers reader questions on getting kids engaged in the
process of selecting a college.

As a child of divorced parents who has seen many friends divorce, Maggi
Deroian, 29, who is single, wants a happy marriage. To that end, the New
York event producer follows the research and makes "rules for my life, based
on statistics, that would help minimize my chances for divorce," she says.
What's frustrating, though, is that many of the studies focus on factors she
can't control, such as family history or race. "Knowing that practicing
Catholics who go to church have a lower divorce rate" doesn't help someone
who's not one, she says.

The research, adds Erin Stafford, 27, a Fullerton, Calif., image consultant
who is also single, "just feeds the fires of insecurity."

After reviewing a stack of studies, I've extracted some findings that are
generally helpful:

- Take life's big steps in mindful order. On average, 43% of first marriages
end in separation or divorce within 15 years, a federal study shows.
Marrying in your teens or having children out of wedlock are linked to
higher rates. Odds improve when you graduate from college first; then marry,
then have children. The divorce rate falls as the age of marriage rises
through the late 20s, then levels off, says a new study by Evelyn Lehrer at
the University of Illinois, Chicago.

- Be wary of casual cohabitation. Singles have been scared by studies
linking cohabitation before marriage to divorce; however, people who live
together are a self-selecting population who may place less value from the
start on lifelong monogamy. In a more helpful insight, Scott Stanley at the
University of Denver and others have found cohabitation can create an
inertia effect -- a tendency for cohabiting couples who otherwise wouldn't
marry to slide into marriages of convenience that later hit the rocks.
Couples who wait to live together until after they're engaged tend to avoid
comparable problems.

- Find a supportive workplace. While blacks tend to divorce at higher rates
than whites, Jay Teachman at Western Washington University has found the
divorce gap vanishes among couples in the Army, one of the nation's most
race-blind institutions. In the Army, blacks tend to be fairly paid and
promoted -- and to divorce at the same rate as white civilians. Given the
well-documented tendency of workaday emotions to spill over at home, it
makes sense to avoid workplaces where the deck is stacked against you.

- Act quickly when troubles arise. Women working outside the home have been
blamed for higher rates of divorce. In fact, working women leave unhappy
marriages at higher rates, but not unions that are happy or average, say
preliminary findings by researchers at Ohio State and Stanford universities.
"If a woman can support herself, she's more likely to think it's viable to
leave," says Stanford's Paula England. A countervailing factor: Dual-earner
couples tend to share housework and child care more evenly, making marriages
happier and offsetting divorce risk, says Stephanie Coontz, author of
"Marriage: A History."

Whatever the case, if your marriage starts to slide, act right away to
change damaging behaviors or take counseling or a marriage-education program
(findable at www.smartmarriages.com).

Studies aside, the final unit of analysis is the relationship. Ms. Deroian
says the best wisdom gleaned from her "quest to solve the question of
'forever' " in marriage came from a cab driver she rode with once who had
been married 45 years. When she asked how he and his wife did it, he told
her about their travels together, and evenings spent dancing. "At the end of
the day," she says, "you have to take time to enjoy one another."

FOR ADDITIONAL MATERIAL including a podcast by me, Diane Sollee, a Marriage
Checkup Quiz, and the chance to weigh in - to add your comments - visit the
WSJH website and click the links in the boxes: http://tinyurl.com/2t64nf

------------------
HOW TO MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
€ What are your tricks for keeping a marriage together? Or, how would you
have done things differently? Share your thoughts and experiences with Sue
Shellenbarger.

€ What are the benefits of marriage? Diane Sollee, the founder of
SmartMarriages.com, a coalition based in Washington, D.C., that focuses on
couples education, answers the question and offers tips to people who want
to be a better spouse.
---------------

TAKE A MARRIAGE CHECKUP

Many people regularly see a doctor for an annual physical or visit the
dentist for an annual cleaning. Now, clinicians at the Center for Couples
and Family Research want people to undergo a regular marriage checkup.
This quiz was developed at the center, based at Clark University in
Worcester, Mass., to help couples assess their marital health. Even the best
marriages have strengths and weaknesses, and this checklist aims to help
identify them. There's no "score" at the end, where couples discover if
their marriage will fail or succeed. Instead, couples are encouraged to
identify areas where they can improve their relationship. Take the
assessment.
For more information, visit Clark University's Web site.

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- DIVORCE AND SESAME STREET

Fascinating: Sesame Street tried various story lines and approaches for
introducing the subject of divorce.  Screened various shows before test
audiences of kids. Decided that divorce was simply too upsetting for
children....  If only parents could come to the same conclusion! This is a
must read.  
http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/Snuffy%27s_Parents_Get_a_Divorce

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- MICHELE WEINER-DAVIS NEEDS YOUR HELP: SEXUAL DESIRE GAP

I need a couple to go on Good Morning America with me to discuss a sexual
desire gap in their marriage. The taping will be Monday, March 24th.  It
doesn't matter who the high desire spouse is.  I need to hear back from them
today!  Help! 
They can email me at Michele at divorcebuting.com  or call the office
800-664-2435.

-----------------------------
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12th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, Hilton San Francisco Hotel,
June 30-July 6, 2008  (General Conference July 2-5)
Pre-Conference Training Institutes June 30-July 2
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 6
DOWNLOAD a conference brochure and register at:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/download.brochure.html

List your program and resources on the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html

Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or
http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332

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