Spitzer: Blame it on the Wife? Blame it on the Brain? Or, on??? - 3/13/08

Thu Mar 13 15:30:12 EDT 2008

- BLAME IT ON THE WIFE
- BLAME IT ON THE BRAIN - AND NATURAL SELECTION
- BLAME IT ON INSECURITY, HUBRIS, MARRIAGE ADVICE....

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- BLAME IT ON THE WIFE

> Hi Diane,
> Dr. Laura was on the Today Show yesterday morning and I was appalled by her
> comments about Governor Spitzer and his wife.  The first thing she said was
> that his wife was wrong because she didn't make him feel important and make
> him feel special. After the host asked her, "What about HIS behavior"? She
> said (something like) he was wrong but his wife needs to focus on him more. I
> was amazed that NBC allowed this. I called NBC and left a message to complain.
> I think you should ask everyone on the list to email a comment.
> Elaine Braff

I didn't see the Today Show but dozens of you did and were appalled that Dr
Laura was blaming the wife....I guess the thought is she didn't bake enough
pies or perform well enough in bed??  Or, maybe it's because she only gave
the Gov three daughters, no sons?  Puleeze!  As Frank Pittman points out the
performance or non-performance of the wife doesn't predict squat when it
comes to infidelity.  Pittman says to look, instead, at what a man was
taught by his father and uncles (his tribe) about what it means to be a
successful man. Is a successful man the one with the most stuff including a
wife, kids and as many mistresses as he can afford and get away with?  Or,
is a real man one who is committed to his marriage, his family, his vows?
If you want to understand this whole Spitzer conundrum and what we can do
about it, I highly recommend you start with Frank's books: "Private Lies:
Infidelity & the Betrayal of Intimacy"; "Man Enough: Fathers, Sons & the
Search for Masculinity"; and, "Grow Up! How Taking Responsibility Can Make
You a Happy Adult" and to his Smart Marriages keynote: "What Are Men for,
Anyway?"  You can order the keynote at 800-241-7785   Pittman will
illustrate all this with movies in his Masters Session in San Francisco:
sign up NOW for his workshop. There will be 3,000 of you at the conference
and the room only holds 500 - I promise a big screen. - diane

> 401 - Fri, July 4
> At the Movies
> Frank Pittman, MD
> Everything we need to know about marriage can be found at the movies: explore
> meaning, expectations, love, insanity, brain chemistry, secrets, lies, deal
> breakers  even clues about how to get it right. Bring your own popcorn.

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- BLAME IT ON THE BRAIN - AND NATURAL SELECTION

Blame It on the Primal Brain of Homo Politicus
By David Segal
Washington Post Staff Writer
Thursday, March 13, 2008

. . . "There's nothing mystifying about any of this," says Todd Shackelford,
an evolutionary psychologist and professor at Florida Atlantic University.

Shackelford walks through the basics of the evolutionary psychology
catechism: For millennia, the whole point of males' often-risky efforts to
achieve power, resources and prestige was to translate status into sex with
more women. You run the tribe, you get dibs. That's the way it worked in
hunter-gatherer cultures, most of which, Shackelford says, were polygamous.
Nearly all men, in every age, wanted sex with multiple partners, but only
the leaders could (a) attract additional partners and (b) have the resources
to provide for them.

"It's a relatively new development for men to be vilified for reaping what
would have been ancestral rewards for power and prestige," Shackelford says.

. . . you can't understand the accounts of Spitzer's behavior, Shackelford
maintains, without understanding that the hard wiring of his brain was
designed in an age when that behavior would be deemed perfectly normal.

The correlation between infidelity and high status apparently exists across
cultures and over huge swaths of time. Today, of course, you don't need to
lead a tribe to achieve prestige or accumulate wealth; athletes,
entertainers, CEOs are all high-status figures, and nothing suggests these
people cheat in smaller numbers than politicians. We just don't hear about
it as much when they do. Politicians have been expected to lead impeccable
lives in this country since the Colonial era. Back then, according to Thomas
Foster, author of "Sex and the Eighteenth-Century Man: Massachusetts and the
History of Sexuality in America," voters assumed that God would judge
politicians, and if their conduct was found lacking, He would punish the
whole commonwealth.

For the full article:
 http://tinyurl.com/2bulbc

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- BLAME IT ON INSECURITY, HUBRIS, MARRIAGE ADVICE....

I've heard from many of you. To try to summarize:

Most offer an explanation like the one spelled out above - the Emperor
syndrome - that he simply felt entitled as one of the kings of the world to
have many women OR that the same hormone-fueled drive that gets a man to the
top also hypes him up to want/need more sex.

One wrote to caution that there is a huge difference between men and between
marriages and between infidelities and not to make the mistake of throwing
them all in the same pot and to remember that a man who strays because he
wants a love affair is different than a man who seeks out a prostitute. And,
that there are many different ways to parse both of those. For example, he
may not WANT a love affair but it "just happens"....  Hmmmmm...

One offered a theory that it's all about insecurity - he was not doing well
as Governor which made him anxious and he could only get relief through the
kind of sexual release that he found through 'forbidden sex'.  That his wife
couldn't do this for him even if she did the same sexual acts because she
wasn't forbidden. Hmmmmm....

THE MOST INTERESTING was Cloe Madanes.  I said people were wondering about
what Spitzer was paying for - "What do you get for $500 an hour?"  She said,
"That's NOT what it's about.  It's not what he pays someone to DO.  It's
that the man doesn't have to do anything. He doesn't have to talk to her,
make love to her, please her, satisfy her, make her happy - or, at least not
on her terms. He can pay her and have it his way.  Over with fast. Or, slow.
Include talking if he wants to, as he wants it, or skip it. It's the advice
that says foreplay has to start in the morning or on Monday morning that
puts wives in charge of whether he's doing things right - not just in bed
but all day, all week.  That's what it's about."  Hmmmmmm.....

Get more of Cloe's wisdom at her keynote and full-day training at the San
Francisco Smart Marriages Conference: Ultimate Relationships.  Imagine that
- spend a full day with her!

> 901 One Day - Sunday, July 6
> The Ultimate Relationship Program
> Cloé Madanes, Lic HDL
> Use this easy-to-teach DVD-based program to help even the most troubled
> couples understand their core needs and master eight essential skills to
> develop trust, rekindle passion, break barriers, align goals, and design a
> compelling future. Ideal for clinical, coaching, or educational settings, or
> for couples to use on their own. $50 spouse discount. Click for more
> information: http://www.smartmarriages.com/ultimate.html

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