Black Enterprise \ Third Option \ Living Together \ Nation of Wimps - 3/4/08

[Smartmarriages]

- BLACK ENTERPRISE 
- THIRD OPTION SMOOTHES MARRIAGE'S ROUGH SPOTS
- LIVING TOGETHER: MYTHS, RISKS & ANSWERS
- A NATION OF WIMPS

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- BLACK ENTERPRISE 
Diane,
My husband, Terry and I were featured in the March 2008 Black Enterprise
Magazine in an article about marriage and money where he stressed how
marriage is a key part of financial integrity.  It was wonderful to be able
to let other couples know that financial woes can be a way to bring you
together and stronger as a married couple and not pull you apart.
Tannia Benefield

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- THIRD OPTION SMOOTHES MARRIAGE'S ROUGH SPOTS

The Third Option, recipient of the Smart Marriages Impact Award, will
present a TOOB training at the San Francisco Smart Marriages conference.
Attend and leave the conference ready to implement this wonderful program -
it's a one of a kind course in so many ways.  Visit the TOOB page to order
the Third Option kit:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/toobs.html

> 712-Sat July 5th, San Francisco
> The Third Option ­ TOOB
> Pat Ennis, MSW and a mentor couple
> Give couples a THIRD option ­ not endurance, not divorce. This
> enrichment/crisis group program is ongoing! Couples attend as needed.
> Self-contained manual ­ easy to implement!


Third Option smoothes marriage's rough spots
The Grand Rapids Press
March 01, 2008 

Erik and Laura Christian have been married more than nine years, have three
children, and are clearly in love.

But love alone cannot prevent all of their problems, and frustration sent
them to their pastor, the Rev. Allen Pickett, of Knapp Street Reformed
Church.

Pickett referred them to Third Option, a new church-based marriage program
with mentoring at its core. Volunteer mentors serve as living examples of
how couples can get through the tough times and come out strong.

The Christians attended all 14 sessions of a Third Option cycle, and say
what they learned there has been invaluable.

"I'm not the only one out there like me," said Laura Christian. "We're not
all on our own little island."

Erik Christian was reminded of something crucial: He is responsible for his
actions alone, and if his wife is reacting emotionally every time he brings
up a certain topic, maybe he should rethink his approach.

Laura said she is moved that the volunteers cared so much about supporting
their relationship.

"For people to support us and be positive about marriage, that is awesome,
because you need that," she said.

For the first session, like all newcomers, the Christians sat down with a
mentor couple, who told their own marriage story, warts and all. Erik and
Laura said they were blown away by how candid their mentors were about their
troubles, and how their marriage survived.

"That was really amazing to me that people can come back from such large
issues. It's cool to see how the Lord works," Laura said.

When it began

Third Option came to West Michigan in November 2006 when the program's
creator, Pat Ennis, came to speak at a marriage and family-building lecture
series for pastors and clinicians, according to Ryan Jaarsma, executive
director of the Pine Rest Family Institute.

Local pastors got excited about it and decided to collaborate. Knapp Street
Reformed, Thornapple Evangelical Covenant Church and Calvary Church joined
forces, and in March 2007 the first sessions were offered.

The sessions are the first and third Thursdays of every month from 6:30 to
8:30 p.m. at Thornapple Evangelical Covenant Church, 6595 Cascade Road SE,
and are free of charge. Child care is provided upon request.

"The unusual aspect of Third Option is it's ongoing," said Pickett.

Many marriage programs are weekend retreats, or short-term workshops. Third
Option consists of 14 workshop sessions. Couples are not required to attend
each one, but can drop in as they are able.

The "Third Option" refers to a place between "his way" and "her way," a
middle road between two potentially extreme points of view.

The workshops are available to any couple, regardless of church or religious
affiliation, who feel their marriage could use some strengthening or
maintenance. Cohabitating, non-married couples also are welcome; no one asks
for those details, say the volunteers. One spouse could even come alone,
though it's not ideal.

Those couples embroiled in serious crises -- such as drug or alcohol abuse,
or violence in the relationship -- should seek professional counseling, say
the facilitators. The volunteers are not therapists.

"If one person is extremely hostile to each other, or there is potential for
abuse, it's not going to be a good fit," said Jaarsma. "But for most couples
who are experiencing some marital difficulties, it is a good fit."

Third Option sessions are not meant to apply pressure. Couples are not
required to say anything. If need be, the mentor couples and facilitators
will do all the talking.

The facilitators and mentor couples say most people do eventually open up
and participate. There is often laughter, and plenty of sharing. Erik
Christian said he was amazed at how close he felt to the facilitators and
mentors.

"They know things about you that not a lot of people do, so there's a
comfort in that," Erik said.

Lessons learned

On subsequent visits, the facilitator will spend the first hour reviewing
the previous week's session and whatever work the couple has done in the
meantime. The second hour focuses on the new lesson for the week. For
example, a recent lesson focused on expectations and how unmet expectations
feel like rejection.

The volunteers are enthusiastic about the program's value. Terry and Kathy
Shoemaker are one of the mentor couples who open up a traumatic chapter of
their marriage to strangers as part of the Third Option process.

"You really kind of have to have a passion for it," said Terry Shoemaker.
"Because you're going to tell things about yourself and your relationship
you're not proud of. The people who do need help relate to the people who
have been through it."

The volunteers are concerned that a stigma against seeking help might be
keeping people away. Although 10 or so couples have attended the sessions in
the program's first year, during some recent weeks, no one has shown up.

Pickett said men are especially prone to stay away from such programs.

"They're afraid to take that risk," he said.

Another facilitator, Obo Addy, said many people just assume their marriages
are fine if there are no obvious problems.

"A lot of people expect mediocre," he said. "They can't think that it can be
more exciting."

Jaarsma, of Pine Rest, said he's not sure that a perceived stigma is keeping
people away.

"I think it's because the word isn't out and not enough people are aware of
it. If there is a stigma still associated with it, it's the same stigma that
therapists have to deal with."

Jaarsma believes once people learn about Third Option, it will catch on.

"It's really non-threatening and really middle of the road. It does not put
one person on the spot or get you defensive. It's just information and if
you want to share, great."

The Christians hope other people discover Third Option.

"I think for me, a huge thing is just because you have an argument doesn't
mean that you hate each other, it doesn't mean you're getting divorced,"
Laura said.

Erik said he's glad they attended all the sessions, and hopes they can find
time to repeat the entire program.

For more on Thornapple Evangelical Covenant Church's marriage ministry
program, go to www.thornapple.org (click on "Marriage Ministry").

For more on the national Third Option program, go to www.thethirdoption.com.

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- LIVING TOGETHER: MYTHS, RISKS & ANSWERS

The book launches today.  Buy it at amazon.com or in bookstores.  And, see
below for just some of the opportunities to hear the authors. Get them to
sign your books at the Smart Marriages San Francisco Conference at their
exhibit or one of their four sessions. - diane

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact Mike McManus 301-469-5870

Living Together: Myths, Risks & Answers
by Mike & Harriet McManus

Mike & Harriet McManus, co-founders of Marriage Savers, have written a new
book, Living Together: Myths, Risks & Answers, published today by Howard
Books, a division of Simon & Schuster. Free copies are being mailed out to
300 Smart Marriages attendees in Denver who requested one.

Christian Broadcasting Network will BROADCAST a story March 7 featuring Mike
& Harriet and one of the cohabiting couples they mentored on "The 700 Club"
at 10 am and 11 pm (Eastern) on the ABC Family Network. Chuck Colson, who
wrote the Foreword to Living Together, will also broadcast a BreakPoint
radio commentary on it at a future date. In his Foreword, Colson wrote:
"Their book is designed for pastors, parents and married mentors who are
confronted with couples who think they'll be the glorious exception to the
cohabitation statistics. Read this book. If enough of us follow its advice,
the church can do much to help the country with the highest divorce rate in
the world begin to heal America's divorce epidemic."

Tony Perkins, President of the Family Research Council, has invited the
McManuses to give a Policy Lecture at FRC (801 G. St. NW, Washington DC) at
11 am on March 19. In his endorsement of Living Together, he notes: "Mike
and Harriet McManus are playing a key part in the restoration of marriage in
America.  They have teamed up with more than 10,000 clergy in over 200
cities to establish Community Marriage Policies.  An independent study
reports that in their first 122 communities, divorce rates fell 17.5% in
seven years, with some plunging 50%, cohabitation rates dropped by a third
and marriage rates are rising as a result of the Community Marriage
Policies."  Tony also interviewed Mike for his radio program.

Christianity Today invited Mike McManus to write a commentary based on the
book. Salem Radio interviewed him for its 900 stations Feb. 25. Family News
in Focus aired an interview for hundreds of radio stations February 28.

#####################
- A NATION OF WIMPS

Hara Marano, recipient of our Smart Marriages Impact Award for her body of
work on Marriage Education reporting (she put us on the map starting way
back in 1998), just received this wonderful review in Publishers Weekly for
her latest book: Nation of Wimps.  Buy it in advance on Amazon (save 5% on
all advance orders) here:

 
> A Nation of Wimps: The High Cost of Invasive Parenting 
> Hara Estroff Marano. Broadway, $23.95 (272p) ISBN 978-0-7679-2403-0
> Marano, editor-at-large at Psychology Today and author (Why Doesn't Anybody
> Like Me? A Guide to Raising Socially Confident Kids), takes a penetrating look
> at the growing trend of invasive parenting. Marano likens many parents to
> hovering helicopters or snowplows trying to remove all obstacles. The
> unfortunate result is that children become increasingly fragile, unable to
> make decisions or cope with failure. Interspersing her text with interviews
> from experts and cutting-edge research, Marano follows the trail from heavily
> programmed preschoolers and overprotected grade school kids to stressed out,
> overachieving high school students and dependent college kids caught in a
> rising campus mental health crisis (thanks to cellphones, the new umbilical
> cord, they carry their parents ³in their jeans pockets²). Rather than helping
> children to find success and happiness, the author argues, this
> over-involvement has exploded into a generation of infantilized ³wimps² who
> can't handle everyday life. Instead, she advises, ³help your kids fail²‹more
> is learned from mistakes than from success, including critical thinking
> skills. The book is chock-full of fascinating information, some of it
> controversial, such as a suspected link between a diagnosis of ADHD and
> insufficient free play in the early years. Marano's dire warning to back off
> will hit a raw nerve with many parents, but her message may come not a moment
> too soon for their kids. (Apr.)

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12th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, Hilton San Francisco Hotel,
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