Couples Need Tools to Surmount Obstacles - 6/22/08

[Smartmarriages]

- COUPLES NEED TOOLS TO SURMOUNT OBSTACLES

It makes sense that Julie Baumgardner who will present the TOOLS OF THE
TRADE keynote at the San Francisco Smart Marriages Conference would feature
TOOLS as the subject of her first Washington Times column.  I appreciate
very much that she also featured SmartMarriages.com. Julie was hired as a
Washington Times columnist based on years of writing a column for the
Chattanooga Times Free Press that demonstrated that she's got what it takes
AND that she has access to a stable of marriage experts.  Expect a call!!
I expect this column will go a long way in helping get the word to couples
that marriage doesn't have to be a game of chance they can learn what it
takes and become masters of marriage. A big Tah Dah goes out to Julie!
 - diane  


Couples need tools to surmount obstacles
The Washington Times
Julie Baumgardner
Sunday, June 22, 2008

"For better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health."
Most couples have every intention of keeping these vows. What happens? Why
do so many marriages drive into the ditch during the "honeymoon" years?

I have attended the weddings of many young people in love who were ready to
conquer anything that came their way. Until they said "I do," that is. Then
the fun really began.

In conversations with newlyweds, most admit they had no idea how difficult
the first year would be as they moved from "me" to "we." In fact, many
seemed shocked by the challenges of adjusting to life as a couple.

Diane Sollee, founder of SmartMarriages.com, believes the very term
"honeymoon phase" gives newlyweds false expectations.

"They believe that if they are deeply in love, things will just work," she
says. "If instead they have lots of disagreements, they start thinking they
married the wrong person. We need to help them understand what is normal in
relationships. Just as in anything else, expectations are crucial."

I know of one newlywed couple who lived in the same city as his parents. The
wife felt that since they saw his parents frequently, it would be fair to
spend holidays with her out-of-town parents. He was sentimental about the
holidays, however, and thought that was totally unfair. She became extremely
angry and upset with her husband, and the intensity of feelings around this
totally surprising disagreement came close to being a deal-breaker during
their first three years of marriage.

Studies indicate that every long and happily married couple usually has
approximately 10 irreconcilable differences. It is surprising how soon after
the wedding these differences can appear.

"Marriage education can help prevent couples from going into shock when they
disagree," Ms. Sollee says. "We would help couples by simply renaming the
first years 'clash of civilizations stage' because this is when two people
bring all they've learned up to this point to the task of setting up a whole
new family and civilization. It's a wonderful opportunity to decide how they
are going to do everything from eat, sleep, work, raise children, deal with
in-laws, make love, keep house, save, spend, etc.

"A couple that is a team ... each with their own valuable perspective, can
approach their differences as building blocks of the marriage adventure
instead of seeing their differences as signs of incompatibility," she says.

John Gottman, noted marriage researcher, has found that couples who stay
happily married disagree as much as couples who divorce. Studies show that
all couples fight about money, sex, kids and time. Research also shows that
couples who understand the normality of these disagreements and learn
management skills do better.

Ms. Sollee says, "Entering into marriage without foreseeing conflict and
having the tools to deal with what's coming would be like setting off to
climb Mount Everest and just hoping you have what it takes.

"When people first started climbing Everest, most failed," she says. "Now
the success rate is much better because people have maps of the terrain and
know how to prepare.

"The same is true with marriage. The experts have figured out what's coming
and can give couples the tools they need to succeed," she says. But if
couples don't go in with more realistic expectations, "you can fall in a
crevasse and blame it on all the wrong things - your spouse, your
mother-in-law, etc. You can end up leaving a perfectly good marriage for all
the wrong reasons."

So if you are a newlywed, or are busy preparing for marriage, think of your
marriage as a great and noble adventure, a wonderful exciting challenge. You
want to be as knowledgeable and as well-equipped as possible to bridge the
crevasses, deal with the weather and take care of each other so that your
marital team can plant your marriage flag on the mountaintop.
- - - - - - -
Julie Baumgardner is the executive director of First Things First, an
organization dedicated to strengthening marriages and families through
education, collaboration and mobilization. She can be reached at
julieb at firstthings.org.

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Pre-Conference Training Institutes June 30-July 2
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