Shingle Creek/ 20/20 / Long Marraiges/ DV / Tampa Trib Replies - 7/15/08

[Smartmarriages]

- SHINGLE CREEK RESORT ACCEPTING RESERVATIONS
I know it's crazy early and we don't know which pre and post training
institutes will be when.  But some have asked, so here is the reservation
info for the Orlando Hotel.  They are accepting reservations online or by
phone: http://www.smartmarriages.com/hotel.html

You might at least check out the Shingle Creek Resort, location of the 13th
annual Smart Marriages Conference, July 8-11, 2009 (or 6-12 if you include
Training Institutes) at http://www.rosenshinglecreek.com/

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- I'll BE AWAY FOR A WEEK - OFF TO VISIT MY MOTHER - DIANE
If you have conference or evaluation questions, see
http://www.smartmarriages.com

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- HALTZMAN ON 20/20 THIS FRIDAY ON THE AGE OLD QUESTION

Diane,
I'm scheduled for this Friday, 10 PM on 20/20 with John Stossel for a piece
called "The Big Boss," that asks the age old question: "Is it natural for
men to stay with one woman for the whole of their marriage?"  (And what does
"natural" mean, anyway?)  It will be no surprise that I support the one
guy/one gal concept--it's worked well for me for over 20 years.   But the
piece will also interview others who see it differently.
Scott Haltzman

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- IT PROVES A POINT

This article proves the point of Bill Doherty's banquet keynote, Raising
Children for Good Marriages: that you CAN raise your children to value
marriage and that the surrounding "marriage-friendly" context, relatives,
support-systems all matter.  This is huge in rebuilding a marriage-friendly
culture: help parents become the first marriage educators.

> Seven siblings celebrating 50-year marriages
> <http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/living/2008047365_siblingsgolden14.html
> > 
> Seattle Times - United States
> Don't try convincing Ed Jansen, 74, of Cutlerville, that the institution of
> marriage needs propping up. Or his wife Arlyn, 72. Or Ed's brother Charlie.

My son and daughter-in-law who attended the SF conference pronounced
Doherty's keynote as having the biggest impact on them.  They have three
girls, ages 7 - 13 and said it made them conscious about how everything they
do or say is either marriage-friendly....or, not.  - diane

> B-2 Thurs, July 3, 7pm
> BANQUET Keynote
> Raising Children for Good Marriages
> Bill Doherty, PhD
> Role-modeling a good marriage is important, but it’s not enough in a
> me-first, commitment-lite culture. As parents, we have to be intentional about
> raising children who are ready for the brave new world of contemporary
> marriage, and about supporting the marriages of our adult children.

Order at http://www.iplaybacksmartmarriages.com/
Or at 800-241-7785 
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- BROOKINGS EVENT: JULY 18, WASHINGTON DC
Promoting Safety Together: Domestic Violence and Healthy Marriage Programs
Panelists include Mary Myrick and Marline Pearson.
http://tinyurl.com/5v5tyb

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- CHILD SUPPORT 
> hi diane,
> 
> I enjoy your newsletters.  I like getting thoughts and ideas from all sides.
> I'm glad you care about kids.
> 
> I do need to point out a fact, after I read what you wrote:
> 
> " Is it better to spend it tracking down deadbeat dads and on prosecuting them
> and imprisoning them for failure to pay child support?"
> 
> diane, most fathers pay all of their child support, and on time.  the next
> size group pays almost all of the time and/or almost all of it.  dads who are
> "deadbeats" make up the smallest percentage.
> 
> on the other hand, noncustodial moms pay less than fathers, and less often.
> there is more chance a ncp mom is a deadbeat, not a dad.  PLEASE stop using
> the politically and morally incorrect term "deadbeat dad."
> 
> as a side note, I don't think we should spend another dime on research.
> research to used find out to to reach people.  they should just take that
> money and use it for advertising.  not an agency,  just the advertising.
> 
> teri

I don't like the term deadbeat either - in fact most fathering groups seem
to prefer deadbroke - but everyone knows what it means and I don't think
what we call it is the moral issue.  The point, in response to the Trib
article, is there is an enormous child-support industry spending tax dollars
trying to collect and these and other expenditures that result from family
breakdown could be avoided with a little upstream logic - and preventive
expenditure. 
 
I'm also not talking about percentages (fathers vs mothers; or fathers who
do pay vs fathers who don't pay).  I'm talking about sheer numbers and the
enormous tax costs to the public of tracking down, prosecuting, and
imprisoning fathers who are not paying child support. See here:
http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cse/pubs/2008/preliminary_report_fy2007/ -
60,000 staff working in collection in 2007 across the country.  That versus
spending money on gift certificates to get couples to come in and learn
marriage skills and avoid the tragic situation downstream.

And, it's not just about money but that was the focus of the Tampa Trib
piece. The percentage of fathers who lose touch with their kids after
divorce or failure to marry is staggering and the effects of that are
immeasurable and far beyond financial child support.
 - diane 
#########################
- SOME OF YOUR LETTERS TO THE TAMP TRIBUNE

> No wonder the author of this article remains nameless! Had that not been so,
> my question would have been directed at her/him, "How many times were YOU
> divorced?"  THis article shows gross misunderstanding about divorce, the
> reasons people seek it and the potential ways to avoid it.  President Bush's
> initiative is not a Commie plot or a Right Wing attempt to force the poor,
> battered women and their partners or miserable spouses to remain together for
> life.  As an admittedly flaming liberal, it is clear to me that the marriage
> initiative is our country's first attempt to teach people the skills they need
> to make their relationships work and avert unnecessary and painful divorce.
> No one is born knowing how to create a successful marriage.  If we don't learn
> those skills from our parents- and most of us didn't- we have to learn them
> somewhere.  We now have sound research regarding what makes marriages work and
> these skills can be taught and learned.
>  
> The primary reason people underuse the services available through this grant
> is because of the stigma involved with "getting help."  And articles such as
> this, which do nothing to promote learning about the facts of marriage or the
> pitfalls of divorce, are simply part of the problem.
>  
> Do your homework, anonymous author. Learn what the marriage initiative is all
> about.  Or stretch outside your comfort zone and take a marriage class. Maybe
> you'll be able to save your next marriage.
>  
> Michele Weiner-Davis
> Author of Divorce Busting
> www.divorcebusting.com <http://www.divorcebusting.com>
> 
-------------

> Posted by ( lovemarriage <http://www.earlyfamilyyears.org>  ) on July 14, 2008
> at 7:09 p.m. 
> I live in Palm Beach County which has a 64% divorce rate. This is why pastors
> signed a marriage initiative earlier this year. The Ben Scafidi study at
> Georgia State University showed divorce and single parenting costs the economy
> more than $112 billion a year. Not just divorces from impoverished couples -
> all divorces! So this Tampa Tribune writer would rather have the divorce rate
> that is costing the economy more money than the Bush marriage initiative?
> Creating healthy marriages and relationships affects the economy directly -
> happier couples make happier productive employeees. If you interview HR folks,
> most employee issues can be traced to unstable family relationships. Marriage
> & relationship education classes are directly affecting the business world -
> before you seek to bury the marriage funding from the White House - you should
> take a deeper look at your preferred options.. I get the Cosmospolitan joke -
> but how many of your readers will remain immature, selfish 25 year olds
> forever? Research shows 90% of Americans will get married at least once in
> their lifetime - it makes sense to keep them from draining the economy through
> divorce. I am a Gen X marriage educator working with couples in my age bracket
> here in South Florida. Julia N. Sanna  www.earlyfamilyyears.org
-------------------
I hope anyone reading the article doesn't stop at the "sound bite" moment
and fail to explore what is happening in marriage education across the
country. Any "man on the street" poll will show you, we are not prepared for
marriage, yet we aren't getting the word out that there is a way to easily
get marriage education. We demand that professionals like doctors, lawyers
and teachers secure extensive degrees for the good of society, yet our most
basic institution - marriage- does not require any type of preparation. Just
imagine the impact on the social ills of our society if every person who
desired to be married took a marriage education class on conflict resolution
and communication skills. And if those married continued on learning these
skills...what a change there would be in our country. If we use a small
incentive in our marketing saturated world to help get that message
out...what is that but Advertising 101 on how to get people's attention?
Don't lose sight of the big picture...this is not a waste of money. It's
probably one of the few ways we have left to actually make the world a
better place.
michele at thinkmarriage.org
 
Visit thinkmarriage.org and wimarriagechat.org  today!
Michele Olson
Communications Director
thinkmarriage/Foundation for a Great Marriage
michele at thinkmarriage.org <mailto:michele at thinkmarriage.org>
920-430-7300 Ext. 102
---------------------
Education can make all the difference in marriages. Most couples don't
need counseling, they just need education and skills in communicating,
saying what they want, etc. What's wrong with passing out some
incentives to couples to help them with their marriages and families?
It's NOTHING compared to the high cost of divorce or children being
raised without an intact family. The best thing for a child are married
parents that love each other. All the research shows that. The Marriage
Initiative has helped lots of couples and that is great for their
children and the rest of society.

I'm a part-time Floridian.

Kim Hagerty, MA, LPC, PCSG
Writer and Editor
Catholic Families Today Radio Show Producer AM 950
Family Ministries
155 East Superior Street
Chicago IL 60611-2911
---------------------

I no longer live in Florida, but I still have a strong interest in
sustaining marriages in this state as well as all others. And I'm distressed
by the fact that some people can only see one side of the cost/benefit ratio
involved in "Bush's Costly Marriage Initiative." In fact, this effort
actually SAVES far more than it costs because it provides couples the
opportunity to deal with significant issues in their relationship, avoiding
the far greater cost of divorce both to them and to all of society. In one
way or another society pays a price, so it seems smarter to go for the
win-win of saving marriages AND saving money.

As a woman who has been married 53 years and a professional who has worked
with the issue of extramarital affairs for the past 28 years, I know that
marriage skills can be taught to couples, allowing them to sustain their
marriages through the inevitable tough times all marriages face at some
point. In fact, we desperately need MORE preventive education for married
couples rather than the shortsighted costliness (both to the couple and to
the society as a whole) of their failure to address problems until it‚s too
late. 

As I said, the issue I have worked with for so many years is perhaps the #1
Enemy of Marriage: extramarital affairs. And even that problem does NOT need
to lead to divorce  if couples can get more access to some of the many
wonderful classes and seminars aimed at helping them work through it.
Obviously, it‚s better to focus on Œpreventing affairs‚ and other
threatening problems couples face BEFORE they lead to distress and/or
divorce. So after many years of helping people Œheal from affairs,‚ I now
focus more on helping Œprevent affairs‚ in the first place.

Naturally, I don't do this work alone. I'm part of a large coalition of
professionals who are dedicated to providing couples with the kind of
information and skills that can help them avoid divorce  and the huge cost
that divorce entails. As I said, the ŒMarriage Initiative‚ is a bargain
compared to the cost to society of our failure to support these initiatives.

There are many laborers in the field of teaching couples how to deal with
their issues, but it requires an organized effort to succeed. My own
participation is through The Coalition for Marriage, Family, and Couples
Education (SmartMarriages)  but ALL the various Œmarriage initiatives‚ make
a major contribution to the well-being of both couples and society at large.
It‚s a shame that so many people are working to contribute while others
simply pontificate without first-hand experience of the real-world benefits
of the Œcostly marriage initiative.‚

Peggy Vaughan
Author of Preventing Affairs
www.dearpeggy.com <http://www.dearpeggy.com/>
-----------------
> Having served in a number of capacities in strengthening marriages and
> families, from private practice, training future therapists, as a State
> Commissioner on the FL Commission on Marriage and Family Support, I find it
> quite disheartening that the Tribune speaks about an issue it has not
> researched thoroughly.  The marriage education and relationship skills
> training initiatives around the country, and particularly in our wonderful
> State are showing much promise.  From the PAIRS Foundation's federal grant in
> South Florida, to the grants in St. Petersburg and Tallahassee, the data
> indicating the positive effects of marriage education and relationship skills
> training DOES develop a healthy, connected and loving relationship for those
> who have sought relationship skills training.  It is clear that this process
> works.  
> It is true that some do not need help in staying focused on a class whereby
> others may need incentives to help them stay focused. Incentives such as
> rewards are used in public schools, churches and many other parts of our
> society.  This is no different.  And many of these other places accomplish
> this with federal dollars.
>  
> The bottom line issue for me is, does marriage education work?  Does teaching
> research based relationship skills programs lead to healthier marriages and
> families?  The answer is YES!  The problem as I see it is the lack of funding
> of such programs.
>  
> I thank the Tribune for taking notice of Family Resources' desire to bring
> healing, hope, and health to those in need and for those who want the skills
> to prevent a bad relationship and/or marriage.  I only hope that in the future
> the Tribune will seek to focus on the positive attempts to help families as a
> responsible role for society, just as much as other issues are for the Tribune
> such as prevention for animal cruelty, and littering.
> Saving marriages and families for the next generation of our children is a
> very worthy cause and I applaud Pres. Carter, Pres. Bush, and Former Gov. Bush
> for the insight they had in realizing that the health of a nation depends upon
> the health of its families.  Govt. does have a role in strengthening marriages
> and families.  A little money spent in prevention saves a lot more after
> things break down.
>  
> Thank you,
>  
> Dr. Richard Marks
>