Seeing ourselves as Others See us - VIEWS of the Coalition and conference - 7/12/08

[Smartmarriages]

- ON SEEING OURSELVES AS OTHERS SEE US
- EMAIL FROM A FIRST-TIMER
- COUPLES-EDUCATION CONFERENCE FIGHTS DIVORCE
SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE

###########################
- ON SEEING OURSELVES AS OTHERS SEE US

I think it unfair that I get to read so many emails like the one below and
the rest of you don't. First, because it's interesting to see what we
look/feel like to newcomers.  Some of us have been attending the conference
so long that we're like the fish that don't notice the water. But also
because the praise belongs to the entire COALITION ­ if all of you weren't
rowing so hard and so consistently, none of this would be happening.

We thanked the PRESENTERS at the opening plenary - their hard work floats
the boat!  But in addition to their powerful presentations, we also need to
thank them for being so generous and so accessible - they make this huge,
chaotic conference feel like FAMILY. Ditto for the 100+ exhibitors who make
things feel so vibrant and so "happening" and collegial.

I also want to thank all the veteran ATTENDEES/COALITION MEMBERS for being
so welcoming to newcomers that I can stand up at the opening keynote and
assure first-timers that this as nice and welcoming a group they will ever
encounter anywhere.  And that we are a true COALITION - liberals and
conservatives, the churched and unchurched, with incredible geographic and
professional diversity - all setting aside their ideologies and working
together to make marriage education more available. I can tell newcomers to
get ready for the high that comes from this unique cross-pollination - the
rich explosion of the mix.

I also want to thank the corps of 65 VOLUNTEERS. I have no year-round staff
but the volunteers step up for conference week and make it look, feel, seem
like they work on Smart Marriages all year. They are so good at what they do
that it seems as though it's their full-time job.  Some have been back every
year since 1997 - and it shows!

So, thank you everyone including those who are moved to write after
attending for the first time, or the third or 12th time - hearing from you
does recharge my batteries.

AND, THEN THERE IS THE ARTICLE IN TODAY'S SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE from a
reporter attending for the first-time. Heidi Benson, as will be true of 98%
of her readers, had never heard of Marriage EDUCATION or of Smart Marriages.
Today they will have heard - and as I always say, journalists are the front
line and most important troops. She came on her own - got a brochure and
charted her own way through the maze of 200 sessions (by which I mean she
wouldn't let me advise her on what to attend or not attend - wanted to
report, poke around on her own.)  She attended many sessions, interviewed
lots of you in the hall or coffee shop.  And, when you think about how
strange a new beast this whole marriage EDUCATION movement is with its many
moving parts, she did a remarkably comprehensive job.  It's a seven day
event, not five days, but hey, whose counting.  And, I hope the Chris
Gersten prediction is wrong - that the funding for "the Marriage Education
Delivery" contest/experiment/demonstration project won't evaporate with the
new administration, or that if it does, we can continue, as he hopes, to
help states implement the upstream, preventive education, TANF set-aside
funding.  But, in case you missed my remarks at the opening keynote, I want
to assure everyone that we'll be fine. This has always been a grassroots
effort by the unfunded for the unfunded.  Only a very small percentage of us
have ever received any funding.  That didn't stop us from getting started
and won't stop us from seeing this through. Marriage Education is affordable
and can and will be taught by counselors and mentors in an increasing
variety of settings and formats to an increasing variety of populations.
It's on its way. Our job is to continue to figure out ever more affordable,
effective delivery systems and to get the word out to the public so that
they can indeed learn how to be smarter about marriage and can change their
odds.  We firmly believe that as they know better, they will do better -
that as they learn how to create and sustain the marriages and relationships
of their dreams, that that is what they'll do. That we will turn things
around. And, that the Harville Hendrix parable about the little boy of the
not too distant future will come true. If you missed that banquet keynote,
watch it. It's beautiful.   - diane

#######################
- EMAIL FROM A FIRST-TIMER
 
> Dear Diane,
>  
> It was such a treat to meet you at the Smart Marriages conference in San
> Francisco. I wanted to write and express my sincerest gratitude for what you
> have created for so many people: the opportunity to let our lights truly
> shine. You have dared to have a wonderful vision ‹ and we have unity because
> of you.
>  
> I was impressed not only with the purpose of the conference but with the
> supportive environment created for me and so many of my peers. Being at the
> conference was a personally enriching experience; I felt as if I (we) were
> being welcomed into an educational ³family.² Having the opportunity to engage
> in conversations with so many of your presenters and the extraordinary
> post-training with Marline Person made the experience extra special.
>  
> Every session I attended felt as if it was a unique part of the foundation and
> were wonderfully powerful components of the larger picture. I am still basking
> in the enjoyment of it all as I settle back into my life with a new awareness
> and confidence that I can be hugely successful with the kind of support you
> made available.
>  
> I am blessed and proud to be a part of your legacy today. Thank you again for
> who you are for all of us.
>   
> Isabell Springer
> Psych PhD and MFT #1034
> Gainesville, Florida
> Isabell at DriversEdForLove.com

###########################
- COUPLES-EDUCATION CONFERENCE FIGHTS DIVORCE
SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE
Heidi Benson, Chronicle Staff Writer
July 12, 2008

When Diane Sollee was a director of the American Association for Marriage
and Family Therapy in 1989, a reporter's question stopped her short: "Why
hasn't the divorce rate gone down?" Sollee had no answer. The 50 percent
divorce rate in the United States hadn't budged in decades.

Sollee immersed herself in the new field of marriage-skills training and
seven years later founded the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples
Education in Washington, D.C., a nonpartisan group devoted to reducing the
divorce rate.

"We have research that shows what makes marriage succeed or fail - and in a
simple eight-hour class we can improve a couple's chances of success by 50
percent," she said.

Federal funding for marriage

Now Sollee, 64, is known as the mother of the Marriage Education Movement.
Her coalition is solely supported by an annual Smart Marriage Conference,
which last week brought the Marriage Education Movement to San Francisco.

The movement has been empowered by the federal government's recent
initiatives to support marriage as an institution that benefits individuals,
children and the economy. The door to federal funding opened in 1996, during
the Clinton administration, when Congress passed welfare-reform legislation
requiring states to use a portion of Temporary Assistance to Needy Families
funds to help strengthen families.

Under President Bush, such federal funding escalated. In 2005, the Deficit
Reduction Act allotted $150 million per year for a Healthy Marriage
Initiative administered by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.
Applicants competed for grant money for "marriage education, marriage skills
training, public advertising campaigns, high school education on the value
of marriage and marriage mentoring programs."

Many organizations within the Marriage Education Movement have thrived with
the aid of federal funding, including the nonprofit California Healthy
Marriages Coalition, which in 2006 won a federal grant of $2.4 million per
year for five years, the largest sum yet given.

Preventing discord

"Eighty percent of divorces are completely avoidable," said Dennis Stoica,
the founder and president of the California Healthy Marriages Coalition. "If
people are able to access resources, they can restore their marriages."

Stoica delivered the opening keynote at the conference, where nearly 2,000
marriage enthusiasts gathered at the Hilton Hotel for five days of
high-intensity training sessions, with an even split between faith-based and
secular groups.

One California innovation, no-fault divorce - implemented in 1970 and
quickly adopted by other states - was cited as a key contributor to rising
divorce rates, which jumped from 2.2 per thousand in 1960 to 4.8 per
thousand in 1975. California's more recent approval of same-sex marriage -
legalized last month when the state supreme court overturned a ban against
it - was also touched on. One workshop, "Accidental Prophets," illustrated
that same-sex couples have much to teach opposite-sex couples about
equitable unions.

Learning to be a team

On offer were a smorgasbord of workshops - from "Avoiding Adultery" to
"Marriage Savers for Cohabiting Couples" and "Strengthening Marriage in the
Black Community" to "Marriage and Active Duty" - plus name-brand training
products, seminars and talks by superstars of the movement, including Cloe
Madanes ("Ultimate Relationships"), Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt
("Getting the Love You Want"), John Van Epp ("How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk")
and Mill Valley's own John Gray ("Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus").

Research shows that "all happily married, long-married couples have on
average 10 irreconcilable differences," Sollee said. "You don't become one
at the altar - that's a myth. If you do that, you don't have a team - you
have one brain-dead person and you."

Couples fight over the same handful of issues. At the top of the list?
Money, kids, time and sex. With the help of teachable communication skills
and conflict-resolution techniques, couples become better teams. After all,
said Sollee, "a marriage is a decision-making machine, a wealth-conservation
machine and a health-conservation machine."

Most experts agree that children do best when raised by their two biological
parents. Many believe that cohabitation - which has risen 1,000 percent
since 1960, according to the 2005 U.S. Census - lessens the chances for a
happy, lifelong relationship and contributes to unstable families.

New sources of funding

Still, government funding of marriage programs has sparked debate. Critics
fear that taxpayer money used to promote marriage may be diverted from other
programs, such as child care or job creation, or that women, encouraged to
save a marriage at all costs, might stay in unhealthy unions.

Though it is too soon to say what effect marriage education may have on the
divorce rate, Christopher Gersten, chairman of the nonprofit Fatherhood and
Marriage Leadership Institute, believes government support must continue.

"I worked full-time for eight months to get the Healthy Marriage Initiative
passed - through a friendly Congress," said Gersten, a former assistant
secretary of the Administration for Children and Families, part of the
Department of Health and Human Services.

At a conference workshop titled "Working With State Legislators," Gersten
issued a warning. "The $150 million windfall from Washington is going to
evaporate," he said. "Though there are some moderate Democrats who want to
see it continue, new people in Washington think that marriage education is a
Neanderthal, right-wing, George Bush agenda that needs to be destroyed."

His advice to the social-service agency employees in attendance: The new
money will come from the states. "Getting to know your U.S. senator has to
be on your to-do list," Gersten said.

The secret of relationships

The Smart Marriage Conference ended in rousing infotainment style with a
presentation by bestselling author Gray, based on his new book, "Why Mars
and Venus Collide." What makes a woman happy? "Romance, commitment, feeling
heard," Gray said, "and having backup," which means knowing she is not
shouldering life's burdens alone.

"When a woman is happy, it takes away a man's stress. So the secret of
relationships is - how does the woman get happy?"

Citing the importance of hormones that lower stress (testosterone for men,
oxytocin for women), he turned the conversation from his live Webinar
sessions - "$99 for 10 one-hour sessions if you sign up now" - to his new
line of nutritional supplements and four-day Wellness Retreats ($750) at his
ranch in Mendocino, featuring meditation and fasting.

"Couples love it," Gray said.

10 things you can do to have a healthy marriage

1. Spend time with each other.

2. Learn to negotiate conflict.

3. Show respect for each other at all times.

4. Learn about yourself first.

5. Explore intimacy.

6. Explore common interests.

7. Create a spiritual connection.

8. Improve your communication skills.

9. Forgive each other.

10. Look for the best in each other.

Source: National Healthy Marriage Resource Center
References

Marriage resources and studies:

-- California Healthy Marriages Coalition: www.californiamarriages.org

-- Dibble Institute (relationship skills for teens):
www.buildingrelationshipskills.org.

-- Healthy Marriage Initiative grantees:
www.acf.hhs.gov/healthymarriage/doc/regionalmap.doc.

-- National Healthy Marriage Resource Center: www.healthymarriageinfo.org

-- National Marriage Project, Rutgers University: www.marriage.rutgers.edu

-- "Should Government Promote Healthy Marriages?" (2002 Urban Institute
report):

www.urban.org/publications/310499.html

-- "Taxpayer Costs of Divorce and Unwed Childbearing" (2008 study):
www.americanvalues.org/coff/executive_summary.pdf.

-- To learn about all the programs presented at the 12th annual Smart
Marriage Conference, visit: www.smartmarriages.com

This article appeared on page A - 4 of the San Francisco Chronicle (not in
the style/life section - in the front section! Tah Dah!)

To read the article online and see the two photos, one of Sherod Miller
guiding a couple on his Couple Communication floor mats and one of Diane in
her office, go here: http://tinyurl.com/5u8tmk


###########################
Please do not reply to this email. This mailbox is not monitored and you
will not receive a response.

Send submissions and comments for the listserv or for list moderator, Diane
Sollee, to: diane at smartmarriages.com  (In other words, do NOT simply hit
"reply". If you hit reply your email will disappear into cyberspace.)

This is a moderated list. Submissions and comments are read by Diane Sollee.
Please indicate if your comment is NOT to be shared with the list.  PLEASE
include your email address and/or url as part of your signature.

With thousands of subscribers, not all comments can be shared. Also realize
that opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the
Coalition.

To SUBSCRIBE, UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address,
visit: http://www.smartmarriages.com/app/Newsletter.Subscribe

To read past posts to the listserv, visit the Archive at:
http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/

13th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, Shingle Creek Resort,
Orlando, Florida, July 6-12, 2009 (General Conference July 8-11)
Pre-Conference Training Institutes July 6-8
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 12
 
Shingle Creek Resort: http://www.rosenshinglecreek.com/

Conference schedule, registration, & exhibit information will be posted as
it becomes available at:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/conferencedetails.html

List your program and resources on the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html

Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or
http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332

FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the
use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright
owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance
understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family
breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material
as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with
Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed
without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the
included information for research and educational purposes. For more
information: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to
use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go
beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.