Do You Know Your Beloved's Love Language? - 7/9/08

Wed Jul 9 15:48:01 EDT 2008

Sorry, I'm told this email was a garbled mess. I'm resending.  BTW, I've
only been back from SF for 24 hrs and I'm NOT caught up.  People think I'm
now relaxing with time to get to all their stuff - review their DVDs, read
their ideas for next year and advise them, and send their posts to the list.
I'm busier now than before the conference with invoices and all kinds of
follow-up, media requests, and a gazillion things to do to get ready for
Orlando.  Patience please.  In time......
- diane 

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Many of you have asked about the Top Ten or Top Twenty packages.  Those
won't be compiled for a month or so - we need the conference evaluations in
the hopper first.  BUT I can tell you that based on book sales and in-person
raves in San Francisco, Chapman's keynote will be at the TOP of the list.
People told me that even though they'd read the book, his keynote made it
all NEW - they understood it in a whole new way.  And, they said, their
marriage was changed.  Order session #758-002 at:
http://www.iplaybacksmartmarriages.com/

---------------------------

July 9, 2008
Column 1402
³Do You Know Your Beloved¹s Love Language²
By Mike McManus

SAN FRANCISCO  ³I believe there are thousands of couples who are loving
each other, but not connecting,² said Dr. Gary Chapman to 1700 marriage
educators at the Smart Marriages conference last week.

He told of a couple who came into his office with the woman complaining, ³I
feel he does not love me.²

Her husband responded exasperatedly, ³I don¹t know what else to do. I get
home before she does, so I start dinner. I wash the dishes. I mow the grass,
wax the cars. I help her with the laundry.²

She nods, ³He¹s right, he is a hard working man, we just don¹t ever talk.²

What¹s wrong with this couple? Chapman wrote a best-selling book years ago
that is still fresh today, ³The Five Love Languages.² Most people marry
someone whose love language is totally different from their own, yet they
assume their partner wants the kind of love he or she longs for.

This husband believes the best way to love his wife is with ³Acts of
Service.² However, what she longs for is ³Quality Time² spent in eyeball to
eyeball discussion. Neither seems to know what the other really wants, so
both feel unloved. 

Chapman asked the husband ³What would be an ideal wife? What would she be
like?² He replied ³I dream about this. She would fix dinner for me. After
dinner, she would wash the dishes. When a button is off my shirt, she would
sew it.²

His stunned wife replied, ³You told me you like to cook.² She turned to
Chapman, adding, ³If I knew the man¹s Love Language was Acts of Service, I
would fix dinner. I love to fix dinner. I did not know fixing dinner was
important to him.²

Now the husband is stunned ³Why didn¹t someone tell me this? I could sit on
the couch talking to her instead of doing this stuff.²

³Thus,² Chapman asserts, ³we have to learn each other¹s language and we have
to choose to speak that language. That¹s why ³The Five Love Languages² is so
popular. It has spread by word of mouth. People share it with their brother,
and pass it around in the family, apply it, and it makes all the
difference.²

What are the three other Love Languages?
1. Words of Affirmation, to affirm one¹s spouse. Chapman asked, ³Ladies, if
you are married has your husband said anything to you like, ³you look nice
in that!²¹ ³Husbands, has your wife said anything similar like ³you look
tough tonight!²²

Many women rarely make such a comment. A common complaint of husbands is ³I
never hear any words of appreciation. If she says anything she is critical.²

As Chapman put it succinctly, ³Life and death are in the power of the
tongue.² Some wives have told him ³I can¹t think of anything good to say
about that man.²

St. James wrote ³No human being can tame the tongue  a restless evil, full
of deadly poison. With it we bless the Lord and Father and with it we curse
men who are made in the image of God.²

Chapman asserted he never met a man or woman who could not give positive
words to a spouse. ³A wife who gives a husband a few positive words makes
something inside of him want to be better. If a negative word is given he
will stay away from her. Words of affirmation motivate people to move to the
next level.

2. Gifts. In every culture, a gift given is an expression of love. Yet how
often do husbands and wives buy gifts for their beloved outside of
birthdays, Christmas, Valentines Day or anniversaries?

It is all too rare, which is particularly painful for those spouses for whom
a gift is the most cherished yardstick of love. How important are gifts to
your loved one?

3. Physical Touch: ³Babies know love in being physically touched. Holding
hands, kissing, embracing the sexual part of a relationship is important,²
Chapman said. He saw a young couple in an airport, where the woman started
rubbing his neck ³Every one of you ladies did this when you were dating. The
physical touch is a powerful, emotional communicator.

Chapman said that of the five Love Languages, each of us has a primary one
that speaks more deeply to us. ³Two are about equal for me. I am bilingual.
Most of us have a primary and secondary language. Almost never do a husband
and wife have the same language.²

What is your beloved¹s love language? Do you speak it?

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