Alone Together / Waiting to Marry Video Out Takes - 7/8/08

[Smartmarriages]

- IT WAS A GREAT CONFERENCE
- MORE COUPLES FIND MARRIAGE LEAVES THEM ALONE TOGETHER
- VIDEO OUT-TAKES FROM THE WAITING TO MARRY KEYNOTE

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- IT WAS A GREAT CONFERENCE

I'm back! Hope all of you who came to SF arrived home safely....though know
some of you are still touring SF.

It was an over-the-top conference  As everyone kept saying, they just get
better and better.  It's an amazing coalition and amazing stuff happens when
we gather - synergy sizzle.

I have literally TONS of stuff to share but will start with this article
from the Wall Street Journal that featured two of our keynotes: Howard
Markman/Scott Stanley on "Marriage Education for Individuals" and Sue
Johnson on "Hold Me Tight" PLUS the links to some of the remarkable video
used by John Van Epp in his keynote "Waiting to Marry".  All were huge hits.

I'll follow with an email on how to order the recordings and about special
recording packages - definitely the most frequently asked question in my
inbox.  I'll compile a list of most frequently asked questions....getting
lots of them.  - diane

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- MORE COUPLES FIND MARRIAGE LEAVES THEM ALONE TOGETHER

Work & Family
Sue Shellenbarger
The Wall Street Journal
July 3, 2008
 
More Couples Find Marriage
Leaves Them Alone Together

If you and your spouse seem to be speeding through life on parallel tracks
that never meet, you're not alone. Couples seem to be doing almost
everything apart these days -- from dining and hobbies to friendships and
having fun.

The trend, first documented last year in a major long-term study of
marriage, is drawing attention to the need to shore up emotional ties
between spouses. "For marriage to work, we have to realize how important a
secure attachment is," says Diane Sollee of the Coalition for Marriage,
Family and Couples Education, sponsor of a conference of more than 2,000
marriage researchers and trainers this week in San Francisco. The growing
separateness of couples' lives, and techniques to keep it from driving them
apart, will be hot topics at the conference.
 
In one of the most comprehensive studies of marriage, Penn State sociology
professor Paul Amato and others compared two separate random samples of more
than 2,000 married people each in 1980 and in 2000. They found that the
likelihood of couples spending lots of time together visiting friends,
pursuing recreational activities, dining or shopping together, or teaming up
on projects around the house, fell 28%. Spouses also are less likely to get
along well with their partners' friends. "People may be bowling alone these
days," the study says, referring to a bestselling book about the breakdown
of social ties, "but married couples are also eating alone."

The separateness has become so prevalent that researchers are altering the
traditional structure of marriage-education programs. These seminars, which
have gotten a boost in recent years from federal funding, teach couples
communication and problem-solving skills and have always required both
partners to be present. But the University of Denver's Scott Stanley and
Howard Markman, founders of PREP, one of the biggest marriage-education
programs, are testing a new seminar that allows spouses to attend solo;
they'll release research at the San Francisco conference showing the new
approach can be helpful. "Sometimes," Dr. Stanley says, because of
conflicting work schedules and other factors, "you can only get one of the
two people" to take part.

For some couples, leading separate lives isn't a problem. Dave Hookham, a
Houston engineer, says he and his wife, do fine vacationing separately
sometimes and having different friends. For other couples, though, it's
troubling. Advertising consultant Bryan Chaffe, Seattle, says he and his
wife were content following separate paths when both were in graduate school
and working full-time. But over 11 years of marriage, their habit of having
separate lives and hobbies has caused strain, he says.

One therapeutic remedy, "emotionally focused therapy," is gaining favor. The
method rests on British psychiatrist John Bowlby's research on the emotional
bonding, or attachment, that is essential to normal development in infants.
The technique guides couples to recognize they're emotionally attached to
their partners in much the same way a child is to a parent, and to learn to
be more responsive, open and forgiving. For example, a couple fighting often
over, say, one partner's long work hours, would be guided to look beneath
the anger to what they may be feeling at a deeper level -- often a fear of
losing each other or being cut off emotionally.

Psychologist Sue Johnson, a speaker at the conference, who developed the
technique in the mid-1980s and has written several books about it, says more
than 1,100 therapists have been trained in the method. Published studies
show it can help couples resolve old hurts.

One couple I interviewed says emotionally focused therapy pulled them from
the brink of divorce. By the time they entered therapy 21Ž2 years ago, they'd
led separate lives for more than 20 years, with the husband immersed in
work, the wife in raising their five children. With separate hobbies and
friendships, "we were like ships passing in the night," the husband says.

Even at their worst, though, both still sensed "a thread" of connection
between them. In therapy, they gradually tore down barriers to openly talk
about emotions and learned to express their need for each other in more
intimate, loving ways. Although they still hit rough spots, the husband
says, "we have the tools now to do whatever it takes" to stay together.

What are the markers of a true marital bond for you? Is it a joint checking
account? Shared vacations? Dinner together every evening? Join a discussion
on The Juggle, WSJ.com's work & family blog.

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- MARRIAGE? WHY? VIDEO OUT-TAKES FROM THE WAITING TO MARRY KEYNOTE

> Hey Diane, great conference once again!
> 
> I thought you may enjoy this. The Song of Songs video footage that John Van
> Epp used in his keynote has made its way on to national television!  We
> recently made a relationship with Al Gore's Current TV and they are airing the
> following episodes intended for a young audience - that 'next generation' you
> keep saying is your most important target. Feel free to share with the
> community - the more views we get - the higher our chances for producing more
> content along these lines...
> 
> Marriage? Why? - http://current.com/items/89076046_marriage_why
> It's Just a Hook Up - http://current.com/items/89067499_it_s_just_a_hook_up
> Sex on Campus - http://current.com/items/89066762_sex_on_campus
> 
> Chris Brickler
> Song of Songs
> brickler at xlantic.com

Watch these and forward them to your own e-lists.  They feature students
filmed on the Song of Songs campus bus tour plus experts including John Van
Epp, David Popenoe, Michele Weiner-Davis, and Willard Harley.  Almost
painful to watch, but what we don't know we can't fix. Add you comments.
I'll also be sending info on the films featured in our first ever Marriage
Movies film festival.  It was a huge huge success and I know those of you
not in SF will want a way to access these films - so as soon as I figure it
out will send it.  Song of Songs and Song of Songs II and Couplehood As a
Spiritual Path, all three filmed/produced by Chris and company, were
winners.  If you need to make a marriage movie or PSA, get in touch with
Chris - his Xlantic crew is not only technically talented but they attended
both the 2007 and 2008 Smart Marriages Conferences and clearly understand
what Marriage Education is all about. Makes it so much easier to get what
you're looking for when the Director already "gets it".  - diane


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12th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, Hilton San Francisco Hotel,
June 30-July 6, 2008  (General Conference July 2-5)
Pre-Conference Training Institutes June 30-July 2
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 6
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