Politico closed | Stosny Blog - 1/30/08

[Smartmarriages]

- VOTING CLOSED AT POLITICO.COM TODAY
Thanks for everyone that helped on this, but contrary to my last post, this
is now shut down. Now we can just watch the debates and hope. - diane

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- STOSNY BLOG: NEGATIVE CONTAGION

I know many of you come to the Smart Marriages conference just for your
annual Steven Stosny fix. And, San Francisco will fill the need - he'll
present a 2-day pre-conference training Institute, a Master Workshop with
Pat Love, and a 90-min Love Without Hurt workshop.   Now you can get an
early fix by reading his Blog on amazon.  I visited to check out the release
of Love Without Hurt in paperback, and found the blog - it's terrific.

Here's a fascinating sample to get you started: .

> Your Partner Can Read Your Mind, if Your Mind is Negative
> January 25, 2008
> Most marriage therapists and relationship books warn against ³mind-reading,²
> which means assuming that your partner knows what you want. This is normally
> good advice. But one of the reasons that marriage counseling usually fails in
> relationships with chronic resentment, anger, or abuse is that your partner
> can read your mind when your mind is negative.
>  
> If you think or feel "jerk, liar, nag, loser, selfish, irrational,
> irresponsible, narcissist, borderline, abuser, etc." in proximity to an
> intimate partner, it will certainly be communicated, no matter how positive
> the words you use, indeed, even if you say nothing at all. Remember, our
> species communicated sentiment through body language and emotional demeanor
> for millennia before the development of language. Even low-grade resentment
> and anger -- irritability, impatience, defensiveness, chilliness, agitation,
> annoyance, and contemptuousness -- are clearly communicated without words.
>  
> All of this means that if you try to communicate verbally without changing how
> you think and feel, you will seem to people you love to be saying one thing
> and thinking another, which will make you seem dishonest and manipulative. You
> will almost certainly get a defensive or otherwise negative response, even if
> your words are entirely positive.
>  
> In contrast, getting in touch with your core value changes the way you see
> yourself and the people you love. It makes you focus on what is more important
> to you, connection or punishment, compassion or resentment, growth or the
> status-quo.
>  
> At the very least, activating your core value before you attempt to
> communicate allows you to be more authentic with loved ones and reduces the
> chances of a negative response from them. But even if it fails to improve your
> interaction, you will feel more confident and genuine within yourself by
> remaining true to your deepest values.
>  
For more, like Why We Argue in the Car:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/blog/A11L45NZAD9OSC/ref=cm_blog_dp_artist_blog
 
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12th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, Hilton San Francisco Hotel,
July 2 - 5, 2008  
Pre-Conference Training Institutes June 30-July 2
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 6

Details: http://www.smartmarriages.com/conferencedetails.html

List your program and resources on the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com

Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or
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Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
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