Article on wedding stress | Himes - by example - 1/3/08

[Smartmarriages]

> Hi Diane,
> 
> The following article ran today in both of our local papers, The Corvallis
> Gazette Times and the Albany Democrat Herald.
> 
> Background: Carol Reeves, the writer, contacted me about three weeks ago for
> an interview about the importance of premarital preparation. (You may
> remember that I emailed you for research information.) In the process of
> setting up the interview, I mentioned the "First Dance" web site and what
> Bill and Elizabeth have been doing. Carol subsequently decided to do the
> whole article on their work, and added in some quotes from me to give it a
> local spin.
> 
> Perhaps you'd like to share the article with the list as an encouragement to
> others to keep plugging along.
> 
> Ken Himes
> Executive Director
> Friends of the Family Ministries
> http://www.fofm.org
 
Ken, 
Thanks for sending the article (I'd never have found it).  I'm sure Bill and
Elizabeth are thrilled but I'm thrilled, too to hear the back story. And,
yes, it's great to share it with the list to show what we can do if we take
time to share help journalists, share resources - and how all our little
boats rise on the rising tide.  - diane

- WEDDINGS ARE NOT JUST A COUPLE THING
(The Wedding Planner ­ January, 2008)
By Carol Reeves
Corvallis Gazette-Times

After tasting a dozen different samples, you and your fiancée have decided
on a moist banana nut wedding cake with decadent cream cheese frosting.
Then, your mom reminds you Aunt Bessie and two favorite cousins are allergic
to nuts . . . . 

You reserve a reception hall that¹s a perfect fit for the guest list both
sets of parents compiled a month ago but suddenly, your future mother-in-law
comes up with 25 extra names she says must be included. She also makes it
clear she doesn¹t want to stand in a receiving line very long ­ high heels
hurt her feet.

Internet chat rooms on popular wedding planning Web sites are full of
questions from brides wondering what to do in such situations. Most don¹t
want to completely alienate the people they care about the most. And yet,
shouldn¹t the bride and groom get what they want on the most special day of
their life?

Maybe yes, maybe no.

Weddings are as much about community as they are about the couple, according
to William J. Doherty and his recently married daughter Elizabeth Doherty
Thomas, winners of a 2007 Trendsetter award from Modern Bride magazine. They
are the founders of a new Web site, http://www.thefirstdance.com/, and
co-authors of the book ³Take Back Your
Wedding: Managing the People Stress of Wedding Planning.²

Their premise is that the path to the altar doesn¹t have to be a minefield
of unfulfilled expectations and strained relationships. It can be an
opportunity to begin building the kind of marriage and strong family bonds
that will last well into the future.

As director of the marriage and family therapy department at the University
of Minnesota and the father of a new bride, Doherty and his daughter
discovered there was a huge gap that needed to be filled between an engaged
couple¹s need for logistical advice for planning a wedding and for
premarital counseling that focuses on life after the honeymoon.

Ken Himes, executive director of Friends of the Family in Corvallis and
Albany, agrees.
 
³I think they¹re really on to something. It¹s important to pay attention to
the relational dynamics of wedding planning,² Himes said.

Friends of the Family is a nonprofit organization committed to strengthening
marriages and families through its counseling services, workshops and
seminars.

³Certainly it¹s true that it¹s the couple¹s wedding, but family members are
an important part not only of the wedding, but the couple¹s future
together,² Himes said.

Doherty and Thomas claim one of the toughest things a couple will ever do in
their life is to plan a wedding.

³The hardest part is not what you might think when you get engaged ­ dealing
with all the logistics. The hardest part is dealing with the people,²
Doherty and Thomas write in their book. With clear and honest communication,
mutual respect and a willingness to negotiate, however, they say the
experience can also be ³thrilling.²

The First Dance Web site offers a variety of features:
€ Individual wedding stress counseling by telephone or instant messaging
€ Separate advice columns for brides and grooms, parents of the engaged
couple, wedding coordinators, clergy/wedding officiants, premarital
educators and wedding vendors
€ Articles on such topics as RSVP woes, the competitive side of wedding
planning, the pros and cons of eloping, even how to orchestrate the literal
first dance at the wedding reception when blended families are involved
€ Access to the PREPARE/Enrich couple inventory
€ Help for finding experienced pre-marital counselors across the nation
€ Links to wedding planning resources, including their print-on-demand book
³Take Back Your Wedding² available at http://www.amazon.com/ and by order
through Borders Books and Music
€ An entertaining, but useful blog by Thomas including posts such as ³The $2
Oreo Cookie,² ³What I hate about wedding budget advice² and ³In honor of
Jenna Bush² (which contains a link where you can get an official wedding
greeting from the White House)

The top three questions raised by people at the Web site are about
etiquette, in-laws and money, Thomas said.

When it comes to money, couples want to know who pays for what and who has
control over decisions because of money, she explained, and the etiquette
questions often reflect an attempt to reduce conflict and stress by knowing
the ³right² way to do things.

³Unfortunately, etiquette doesn¹t address complex family emotions,² Thomas
said.

With more than 30 years of counseling experience, Himes believes it¹s never
too early for an engaged couple to learn how to better relate to each other
and loved ones.

 ³By working now on making those relationships healthy, couples wisely
prepare for a better future, and learn important things about themselves and
their own relationship in the process,² he added. ³After all, the
relationships are what will remain long after the wedding reception clean-up
is done.²
 
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