Marriage Junkie Blog | Research | DV | In-Laws | Grandmothers | Helen LaKelly Hunt | Stepfamilies: Family Medallion - 1/2/08

Wed Jan 2 15:08:26 EST 2008

- BLOG ENVY!
- NEW RESEARCH: HAPPY MARRIAGE GOOD FOR WIVES
- RADAR: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE REPORT
- IN-LAWS
- DIFFERENTIAL GRANDMOTHERING
- NEED TO LOOK AT FATHERS
- MOMS IN THE DIRECTORS CHAIR
- IN-LAWS COME IN STAGES
- HELEN LAKELLY HUNT: WOMEN MOVING MILLIONS
- FAMILY MEDALLIONS FOR MARRIAGES WITH CHILDREN

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-  BLOG ENVY!

Look at this from Jason Krafsky, the Marriage Junkie Blog. I have serious
Blog Envy. I think he should make t-shirts and sell them in SF.  I was
already thinking we should make FMA t-shirts. When people asked us what FMA
stands for, we can explain the concept of Freaky Marriage Activists.
(Someone accused uf of being 'freaky marriage activists"....I thought it was
so good that we should use it.)  Or is Marriage Junkie better?  - diane

> MARRIAGE JUNKIE BLOG: To keep up with the 24/7 flow of information, we have
> launched a new blog, Ramblings of a Marriage Junkie
> (marriagejunkie.blogspot.com). The blog features links to current news
> stories, newly released research, brand new resources, and anything else that
> helps a fellow Marriage Junkie get the regular fixes needed to turn the tide
> on family breakdown!

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- NEW RESEARCH: HAPPY MARRIAGE GOOD FOR WIVES

What's interesting is that Mars and Venus are so different on this one.  -
diane 

Happy Marriage Eases Wife's Workday Tension
The Washington Post
January 1, 2008

TUESDAY, Jan. 1 (HealthDay News) -- Coming home to a loving spouse and a
good marriage helps working women shake off the stress of the day, new
research confirms.

Men, on the other hand, often drop their stress at the door when they come
home, regardless of the state of their union, reported psychology
researchers.

Researchers at the University of California, Los Angeles, followed 30
married, parenting couples, with each partner employed in full-time jobs.

Over a three-day period, each of the 60 spouses completed a single survey
about their satisfaction with their marriage and twice-daily questionnaires
about their day. The researchers also took saliva samples four times a day
(early morning, late morning, afternoon and evening) to test for cortisol, a
hormone released by the body under stress.

"At least as far as women are concerned, being happily married appears to
bolster physiological recovery from work," lead author Darby E. Saxbe said
in a prepared statement. "After a tough day at the office, cortisol levels
dropped further among happily married women than less happily married ones.
Less happily married women also showed a flatter daily pattern of cortisol
release, suggesting that they are rebounding less well from everyday
stress."

The researchers found that women in marriages who felt they were happily
married saw a greater reduction in cortisol levels when they came home at
the end of the work day than women who were less happily married. Cortisol
levels in men dropped at the end of the day regardless of their satisfaction
with their marriage.

Long-term elevated cortisol levels have been associated with a host of
maladies, including depression, burnout, chronic fatigue syndrome,
relationship problems, poor social adjustment and possibly even cancer,
according to the researchers.

This is the first study to examine daily cortisol levels with respect to
marital satisfaction, said the researchers, who called for further research
into the link between marriage and physical stress. The researchers
suggested that people in happy marriages may have a more even balance of
household responsibilities and may generally welcome an evening retreat from
the world more than women in unhappy marriages.

The study is published in the January issue ofHealth Psychology.

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- RADAR: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE REPORT

An alternative perspective on domestic violence laws and treatment. I asked
Steven Stosny his impressions, see below for his feeback.  - diane

> Dear Marriage Advocate 
>  
> This past year we completed a report that documents how domestic violence
> programs escalate partner conflict and undermine marriage  see
> http://www.mediaradar.org/docs/RADARreport-VAWA-A-Culture-of-False-Allegation
> s.pdf
>  
> We invite you to share this with your colleagues so they can be aware how
> domestic violence laws may be creating disincentives to marriage.
>  
> Edward Bartlett, PhD
> RADAR: Respecting Accuracy in Domestic Abuse Reporting
> http://www.mediaradar.org/
> 301-670-1964

Comment from Steven Stosny:
Diane, 
The problem I have with this is that it throws out the baby with the
bathwater. There certainly are false allegations of abuse, but in my
experience they are nowhere near the degree of denial of abuse by
perpetrators. Women fought for decades to be believed. Emphasis on the few
false allegations rather than the thousands of women still afraid to report
because they won't be believed will do more harm than good.

The liberal definition of domestic violence in the law allows families to be
helped before abusive behavior becomes entrenched. Most states apply liberal
interpretations of the law to civil complaints, not criminal cases. This
gets suspected abusers into programs that can help them change their
behavior before it becomes severe and habituated. While it true that the
predominant intervention based on power and control has no positive effect
in reducing violence and tends to increase emotional abuse, that fact should
not deter us from developing better treatments. The trick to getting abusers
to change is not to confront them with society's superior values but to
appeal to their own deepest values. Motivated by their deepest values they
will not abuse; whereas, defending their fragile egos, as many DV programs
force them to do, they will.

The path to the future is not to be against domestic violence or against
zealous advocates for domestic violence victims, but to be for safe,
respectful, compassionate marriages.

Steven Stosny

You'll have several opportunities to TRAIN with Steven Stosny at the
San Francisco Smart Marriages Conference including a two-day pre-conference
Institute on his Boot Camp program. Registration opens in March.

> 109 Two Days - Tuesday & Wednesday, July 1 & 2
> CompassionPower Boot Camp & Love Without Hurt
> Steven Stosny, PhD
> Learn skills to teach the intensive, 3-day Boot Camp format to reduce anger,
> resentment and emotional abuse as well as the "Love Without Hurt" 8-hour
> program to add to any marriage education course - designed to recognize &
> prevent domestic violence and child abuse. These programs include emotional
> regulation skills that make it easier to learn marriage skills. $100 spouse
> discount. Click for more information:
> http://www.smartmarriages.com/stosny.html

He is also offering the Boot Camp in the Washington DC area, Feb 15 - 17,
2008.  For info, visit: http://www.compassionpower.com/
####################
- IN-LAWS

> Diane,
> After 30 years of destructive influence from our own in-laws, (no serious
> drug/alcohol, abuse, criminal or other issues were involved...just plain
> spite, control and negativism) my husband and I have made an intentional
> pledge to be the instrumental force of goodwill for our son and daughter in
> their new marriages.  This has required a tremendous commitment from my
> husband to soul search negative patterns absorbed from his father and make
> sure he doesn't repeat them.  We are succeeding.
> TWO SUGGESTIONS/COMMENTS:
> 1.  Family harmony and the success of children's marriages is the
> RESPONSIBILITY of parents of the children.  It is not a "wish and a hope" or
> even a "good idea".  Just as in business, lessons of charity, mercy,
> compassion, confession, repentence, forgiveness  and reconciliation are
> learned from the top down, modeling what we see our elders do.  Without the
> parental commitment to lead and create the atmosphere that integrates the new
> sons/daughers-in-law into the family, children are left to "earn their way"
> and "seek approval" at every step of the way.
> 2.  Failure of parents to be good leaders in this...and the ultimate failure
> of parents when they become instruments of criticism and rejection....passes
> through the generations.  We have witnessed the attitudes of my husband's
> father filter through his children (our peers) and down to their own children.
> ("Sins of the father" truly do pass through 3 generations)  With so much
> emphasis on "creating a legacy," all parents should take this to heart and
> realize the tremendous blessing they can give their grandchildren when
> building family peace and harmony.
> Jane Jimenez
> http://www.fromthehomefront.org

> Diane, Another thing no one ever comments on is the effect of brothers and
> sisters in-law and the effect they have on a marriage.  In my situation, the
> mother died before I began dating my husband and they have taken over as the
> "mother".
> Tammy Greer Brown
> http://www.crfl.org

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- DIFFERENTIAL GRANDMOTHERING
Lots of comments but most request that they remain anonymous on the
Grandmothering topic.  I guess it's scary.  -d

-----------------------
- "BLACK " GRANDMAS

> Wow!  It certainly helps to hear the comments of other mothers of sons with
> children who seem to be the "black sheep" grandma!  It complicates things even
> more if there are also children from former marriages in the family.  I am
> definitely interested in doing research on this topic if there is anyone
> who would be interested in joining me?  Please contact me.  I look forward to
> SF.
> 
> Cheryl Robinson, Ph.D., CFCS, CFLE
> Associate Professor
> University of Tennessee at Chattanooga
> 423.425.1729
> Cheryl-Robinson at utc.edu
------------------------
- NEED TO LOOK AT FATHERS

> Diane, I think we need to expand the discussion beyond the relationship
> between the mothers-in-law and the daughters-in-law - to include the
> importance of the nature of the relationship between the FATHER and his
> children and the relationship between the FATHER and his mother.
> 
> As long as mothers spend far more time with the children and do the majority
> of the scheduling of time and energy, the current pattern of favoring the
> mother's mother is likely to continue - as a natural extension of this
> lifestyle. The fathers' involvement in the life of the children and in valuing
> the family time/connection with his own mother is an essential component to
> bringing more equity to the way grandmothers are viewed. - P

This reminds me of the stepfamily programs that emphasize that the
men/husbands/dads must step up to the plate... they're crucial.  Hate to
think we can't figure out good marriage education programs that can help
with in-law issues at all stages (see stages comment below).  -diane
--------------------------
- MOMS IN THE DIRECTORS CHAIR

> Diane, 
> Surely you realize this all boils down to what Sal Minuchin said, that the
> mother is the director of the family play. This grandmothers are right,
> not much anyone can do to change these subtle intergenerational patterns.  -
> TB 

----------------------------
- IN-LAWS COME IN STAGES

Just as with anything else, in-law issues unfold in stages.  Early on, it's
all about newlywed's loyalties to their families of origin- about whose
values will prevail.  Later, it's about the grandchildren.  And, finally
it's about elder care.  No one wrote about caring for frail and dependent
in-laws which really stirs up equity and loyalty issues. The rubber hits the
road and I'm sure plays into many late-stage divorces.  Plus, throw
inheritance issues in the pot. Diane, this should give you hope - there are
so many topics left to cover at future conferences!
- EW

Terry Hargrave's workshop in Denver very much deals with the end-of-life
care issues with many guidelines about how to balance equity and loyalty and
preserve your marriage.  I strongly encourage anyone at the stage - or
working with couples in this stage of caring for elderly parents - to listen
to this session.  STRONGLY recommend it.  - diane

You can download for only $9.95 at http://www.iplaybacksmartmarriages.html
or order on CD for $15.95.  A treasure.  800-241-7785
> 757-606
> Caring for Marriage while Caring for Aging Parents
> Terry Hargrave, PhD
> Through movie clips and life stories, learn to outwit the pitfalls that can
> drive a wedge between couples and how, instead, to turn caretaking challenges
> into opportunities for love & growth.

#############################
- HELEN LAKELLY HUNT: WOMEN MOVING MILLIONS

In Nov 2007, Helen LaKelly Hunt co-founded Women Moving Millions.  Helen,
co-recipient of the 2008 Smart Marriages Impact Award with her husband,
Haville Hendrix, will present at the Smart Marriages San Francisco
conference in a two-day Imago training institute and in the Tues night, July
1st banquet: IMAGO: Couplehood as a Spiritual Path. I share the news about
Women Moving Millions to share our pride in her innovative contributions -
both Imago and Women Moving Millions have international impact and both will
go a long way to strengthening families around the world.  Here are several
links to learn more from Helen in her own words. Bravo! - diane

http://tinyurl.com/2aovpy
or
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/helen-lakelly-hunt/making-change-happen-and-_b
_71837.html -diane 

> While wealthy women have long been supporters of libraries, museums,
> orchestras and colleges, womens' status in society has largely been ignored.

> In the History of Woman Suffrage , Volume III , Matilda Joslyn Gage, the
> 19th-century women's rights  activist, offered a bleak assessment.
> "Civilisation would have been immeasurably farther advanced than it  now is,"
> she wrote, "had the many rich women, who have left large bequests to churches,
> and colleges for  boys, concentrated their wealth and influence on the
> education, elevation and enfranchisement of their  own sex".

> Today, the "education, elevation and enfranchisement of their own sex" is at
> the forefront of women's  philanthropy. But more donors - men and women - are
> needed to take women's funds to scale and to  effect lasting social change.

#########################
- FAMILY MEDALLIONS FOR MARRIAGES WITH CHILDREN

The Post Crescent (Wisconsin)
December 31, 2007

> With a high divorce rate ‹ nearly two in five marriages fail, according to the
> Heritage Foundation ‹ more and more single parents with young children are
> remarrying. Additionally, the U.S. is experiencing a wave of first-time
> marriages among young single parents who had a child during the course of a
> common-law union or other relationship outside of marriage.
> 
> Yet, despite the fact that a growing legion of single parents are bringing one
> or more children into their marriages, virtually no religious or civil wedding
> ceremony acknowledges the existence of these youngsters.

The Family Medallion is a wonderful idea that we've featured on the list
several times.  It anchors the creation of an instant family and is a nice
ritual, but given the high stepfamily failure rate, MUST be combined with
taking a stepfamily education course. Symbols and rituals are nice;
education is critical.
We'll feature many opportunities to train in stepfamily education programs
in San Francisco. In the meantime, see the programs listed on the Directory,
most of which are teach out of the box, several of which make a great
wedding present: 
http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html#type_6  - diane

Family-oriented wedding works best for single parents

(ARA) ‹ When Tabitha Irwin began dating Michael Leach, she would never have
predicted that this casual friend would turn out to be the man of her
dreams. But once she realized that the 30-year-old radio producer had a
heart big enough to embrace her and her 4-year-old son Calym, she was
smitten. By the following year, the couple announced their engagement.

One thing muted the joy of her pending nuptials ‹ the memory of her own
mother's remarriage when Tabitha was a typical, insecure adolescent. "I
wasn't included in the wedding and, from then on, I never really felt like
part of the family," she recalls. "That's why Michael and I wanted to do
something special during the wedding to communicate to my son that he was
going to be an integral part of our lives."

The marketing manager was grappling with a problem experienced by most of
the tens of thousands of single parents who walk down the aisle each year:
What can be done to ease the concerns of young children who feel, on a
conscious or unconscious level, that their secure place in the family is
threatened by the marriage-remarriage of a parent?

After much research, Tabitha found a simple and emotionally satisfying
answer to her dilemma in the form of a family-oriented wedding service that
gives children a meaningful role in the wedding celebration. This
five-minute ceremony ‹ known as the Family Medallion service ‹ can easily be
integrated into any religious or civil wedding ceremony. It differs from the
traditional wedding in only one respect: After the newlyweds exchange rings,
their children join them for a special service focusing on the family nature
of a marriage. Each child is given a gold or silver medallion with three
interlocking circles, a symbol that represents family love in much the same
way the wedding ring signifies conjugal love.

Although the family service seemed to be an ideal way to recognize Calym
during the wedding, Tabitha and Michael let the kindergartener cast the
deciding vote. First, they explained the meaning of the family ceremony in a
way that a young child could understand. Then they allowed Calym to select
the specific Family Medallion from www.FamilyMedallion.com that he wanted to
receive. "It made him feel important to be involved in the decision-making
process," Tabitha adds. "He became more excited about the wedding with each
passing day."

The Leaches say they will never forget the moment during their wedding at a
local park when Michel presented the Family Medallion to Calym. While the
minister led Michael in a recitation of the words of the ceremony ‹ a
promise to love and care for the youngster and help him grow into a
responsible adult ‹ he placed the family symbol around his stepson's neck.
Calym responded with a giant hug.

"It was an incredible bonding experience," Michael recalls. "In that
instant, Tabitha, Calym and I came together as a family." Tabitha was moved
to tears watching her new husband make a formal commitment to her son.

As for young Calym, he was just plain thrilled. "I really liked having a
ceremony just for me," he explains. "It meant that Mike loved me and was
going to be my dad.

For the wedding guests, this unique family service was the pinnacle of the
marriage celebration. "Many later told me how moving it was to see us assure
Calym, in such a loving and public way, that he would always be part of our
family," says Tabitha.

The family wedding concept is an idea whose time has come. With a high
divorce rate ‹ nearly two in five marriages fail, according to the Heritage
Foundation ‹ more and more single parents with young children are
remarrying. Additionally, the U.S. is experiencing a wave of first-time
marriages among young single parents who had a child during the course of a
common-law union or other relationship outside of marriage.

Yet, despite the fact that a growing legion of single parents are bringing
one or more children into their marriages, virtually no religious or civil
wedding ceremony acknowledges the existence of these youngsters.

Today, more than 25,000 couples annually use the Family Medallion ceremony
to help strengthen the bond between parents, stepparents and children.

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12th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, Hilton San Francisco Hotel,
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Pre-Conference Training Institutes June 30-July 2
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