Infidelity \ I Married a Republican \ Military Spouses \ Black Marriage \ Help for Stepfamilies - 2/18/08

[Smartmarriages]

****First, I should realize humor doesn't convey well via email.  I'm NOT
fired.  - diane 

- INFIDELITY GUIDELINES
- I MARRIED A REPUBLICAN: THERE I'VE SAID IT
- THE MILITARY VS MARRIAGES
- BLACK MARRIAGE "NEEDS A SHOT IN THE ARM"
- STEPFAMILY TIPS 
- STEPPING INTO A NEW FAMILY

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- INFIDELITY GUIDELINES

Good morning, Diane,

I read the article posted yesterday on recovering from infidelity. As a BAN
coordinator (hence a betrayed spouse) I felt that the article was very right
on with the exception of how long to talk about the affair or be defined by
the affair. That length of time, of course, depends on different factors,
one being how well both spouses are willing to discuss the betrayal and how
open and honest the marriage has become. Eighteen months is a rather short
period of time. My marriage is doing fairly well now, but after 3 years
we're still not to the totally done point -- rest assured it's not a common
topic and I'm not defined by the betrayal now, but it does still surface
occasionally. I wouldn't want someone to think that their marriage is doomed
if they haven't finished all of the business within an 18 month period!

I have been receiving the emails from Smartmarriages for almost 2 years now.
It helps to have positive news about marriage to counteract all of
the television shows and movies that throw in an affair to add interest.
Having a faithful spouse on TV seems to be rare.

BAN in New Orleans

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- I MARRIED A REPUBLICAN: THERE I'VE SAID IT
How many bipartisan couples did I know? Absolutely none.

Diane, 
You often share the Modern Love essay from the New York Times. I want to
encourage you to share this Sunday's "I Married a Republican". It gives
insight into what has to be struggle in many marriages, a struggle
exacerbated during a presidential season. You might be uncomfortable with
the end point, but I think many would find it fascinating.
RB 

Actually, I had it stacked up with a dozen "list worthy" articles. (So much
marriage-news, so little space on the list!)
You're right, the conclusion is a bit of a surprise, but suppose readers
will put it in context. You're also right, this is a puzzling marriage
scenario. I don't know if I'd agree that this is the case in "many"
marriages though there are quite a few in my own extended family. The truth
is, however, none of them take their politics too seriously.  However, for
the couple in this essay and for couples like Mary Matalin and James
Carville you have to wonder!? When I see Matalin and Carville on TV raging
at each other I'm always amazed that their marriage not only endures but
from all reports, is very satisfying.  I think they've been married for
about 15 years, two kids. Takes all kinds.  Here's the article:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/17/fashion/17love.html?_r=1&oref=login
 - diane 

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- THE MILITARY VS MARRIAGES

If you're working with military marriages, or even if you're not, read this
as a way to gain some enlightenment and a ton of empathy.  - diane

The Military vs. Marriages
By Laura Dempsey
February 19, 2008

The U.S. Army recently announced that it would pay captains up to $35,000 in
retention bonuses to stem the tide of junior officers leaving the Army, in
part because of the conflicts in Afghanistan and Iraq. Bonuses may
temporarily retain a few captains, but the problem will continue well into
the future unless policymakers address a more fundamental issue: A military
lifestyle makes the pursuit of a career nearly untenable for military wives.

I know the challenges that Army wives face. I've been a lawyer and an Army
wife for 10 years. In that period, I've moved seven times. I've taken four
different bar exams and held five different jobs. My income has been taxed
in at least five states. My children have had five different nannies. I
think it's safe to say that military wives like me face career obstacles
that few civilian wives could appreciate.

Over half of all military wives work. Unfortunately, the military structure
is not built to accommodate a two-income family. The result is what has been
dubbed the "spouse tax." Little can be done to alleviate frequent
relocations and long deployments. But working military wives also face a
multitude of overlooked and unnecessary obstacles.

Wives attending college when their service members transfer must choose
between paying exorbitant out-of-state tuition if they stay behind or losing
a substantial number of credits if they move. Although many smaller and
online universities admirably volunteer to accept transferred credits for
military wives, most of the country's larger public universities and almost
none of the top-tier private schools do.

Working wives face long waiting lists for child care and a lack of
well-paying jobs. If they find well-paying jobs, their income is taxed
unfairly at the state and local level. Entrepreneurial wives must adapt to
different state and local laws with each move. In some cases, they must
dissolve and reincorporate their businesses (and pay the requisite fees).

Professionally licensed wives such as teachers (yes, and lawyers) are hit
hard. Most licensed professions are regulated by states. Therefore, wives
must test for, and pay for, new licenses with each move. In many
professions, spouses get no credit for experience in other states, yet they
must continue to pay annual fees to each state in which they are licensed.
The process gets prohibitively expensive, forcing spouses to either pay
hundreds of dollars per year to maintain licenses in multiple states (which
is desirable, since the family may eventually be assigned back to that
state) or relinquish the licenses they worked so hard to obtain. Preparation
for licensure exams can cost thousands of dollars, but because many military
families don't own homes and therefore don't itemize deductions on their tax
returns, they get no money back for their efforts. As a result, families
that would be upwardly mobile are repeatedly handicapped.

The result? Unemployment among military wives is nearly four times the
national average. There is a $12,000 wage gap between college-educated
civilian and military wives. A military wife with a postgraduate degree has
20 percent less chance of finding full-time employment than a civilian wife.

A few targeted efforts by the federal government would make a great
difference. Lawmakers should pursue regulatory and licensure exemptions and
tax incentives to ease the burden on entrepreneurial and working wives, or,
better yet, exempt military families from local and state taxes; improve
child-care options for military families; allow family members to pay
in-state tuition, regardless of the service member's duty station; require
public universities to accept more transferred credits from spouses who
choose to move with their service members; and allocate more positions on
military installations to spouses so that they can pursue careers wherever
they are stationed. Simply allowing spouses to claim a permanent state of
residence, as members of the military currently do, would alleviate some of
the bureaucratic hassles of frequent moves.

There is no doubt that Americans, liberal and conservative alike, place a
high value on the service that the military provides. American policy should
reflect this and modernize, removing the barriers placed between military
families and a higher quality of life. Allowing military families to achieve
financial security in parity with civilian families would increase
recruitment and retention of high-quality service members. The benefits
would extend to the entire military and, ultimately, the country. This is
preferable to a short-term fix that does not address key issues underlying
retention.

Laura Dempsey is a civil rights lawyer and a political consultant with the
Empire Bay Group. She lives at Fort Drum, N.Y.

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- BLACK MARRIAGE "NEEDS A SHOT IN THE ARM"

The idea of marriage needs a shot in the arm
By Merlene Davis
FEB 19, 2008 

Nisa Muhammad, founder of Wedded Bliss, a national initiative to encourage
marriage among blacks, says there are a lot of black teenagers who don't
know anyone in their immediate family or community circles who are married.

What's worse, many of them have never attended a wedding.

"The marriage gap in the black community leads to the financial gap," she
says.

Had I been asleep during that 7:30 a.m. presentation, I would have awakened
quickly.

Muhammad, who also created Black Marriage Day, and Rozario Slack, director
of Marriage, Fathering and Family Initiatives at First Things First in
Chattanooga, addressed a small but attentive group of professionals
attending the Central Kentucky Marriage Conference in Lexington on Feb. 8
and 9. . . . 

"What works for people when they have a cold doesn't work for people with
pneumonia," Muhammad said. "When white America has a cold, black America has
the flu.

"Commitment is what is going to make it happen after the feelings go away."


. . . "The high rate of marriage helped them get through the civil rights
and Jim Crow eras," Slack said of blacks.

The thing that is missing, he said, is that the older men of the black
community are not telling the young men that it is time to get married.

"Remember when they used to do that?" he asked. . . .

"Unless there is an intentional message about marriage," Muhammad said,
"there is no message about marriage."

Slack agreed. "Our silence is co-signing the situation."

These are just highlights from the article.  For the full article plus
contact info and schedule info:
http://www.kentucky.com/139/story/322284.html

And, for the African American TRACK at the San Francisco Smart Marriages
Conference which features several presentations by Muhammad and Slack:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/black.track.html

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- STEPFAMILY TIPS 

Two very helpful articles for stepcouples, and we know from the divorce
stats that they need all the help they can get. Check out the
Stepfamily/Remarriage Track at Smart Marriages where the Taylors will
present twice:  http://www.smartmarriages.com/step.track.html - diane

-------------------
Diane,
Below are two articles that appeared in the Oklahoman this past
Saturday and Sunday, Feb 16 and 17, 2008.  Evidently the reporter was
greatly impacted by interviewing a group of stepfamilies in our home. He
came intending to write one article, and was inspired to write two!
Carri Taylor 

> Apple and oranges
> After attending support meetings, the Browns began changing the way they
> approached issues within their stepfamily.
> 
> "An apple is the nuclear (biological) family, and the stepfamily is an
> orange," Beth Anne Brown said. "They're both round, and they're both fruit,
> but that's where the similarities end."
-------------------
- STEPPING INTO A NEW FAMILY
The Oklahoman
Tim Henley, staff reporter
February 16, 2008

I sat in on a stepfamily support group meeting at Carri and Gordon Taylor's
home in Edmond.  The Taylor's hold meetings for couples who are trying to
cope as a blended family.  Each couple talked about the difficulties they
struggle with when trying to make their stepfamily relationships successful.
They talked about feeling guilty because they didn't love their stepchildren
the same way they loved their biological children and feeling guilty because
they haven't formed a real bond with their stepchildren.

As each person spoke, I began nodding my head in agreement because I could
relate to everything they were saying because I grew up in a stepfamily as
well. My experience was rough at first because not only did I have to deal
with my four biological siblings, I also had to all of sudden try to accept
my three new stepsiblings and a stepfather who were all basically strangers.

Eventually, I accepted them and we formed a bond, but it didn't happen
overnight.  It took several years, and it was a collaborative effort.  One
of the themes from the support group meeting was that members of
stepfamilies should not expect to form a bond with one another immediately.
It's normal for it to take several years before a deep bond is formed.

The Taylor's have also been through the stepfamily process, and they gave
tips and advice to the other couples who were struggling with it.

After attending the support group meetings, many couples told me that
they're stepfamily life improved drastically.  For more
information about the stepfamily support group meeting, call 340-7145 or go
to  http://www.cgtaylor.com

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- FINDING HELP IN STEPPARENTING
The Oklahoman
February 17, 2008 
By Tim Henley
Staff Writer 

EDMOND - When Beth Anne Brown agreed to marry Bruce Brown, she knew the
union would involve the blending of families.

They each had two adult children, and he had a 5-year-old son named Bryce.
Although Beth Anne Brown, 51, has always been fond of her stepson, they
didn't connect at first.

"I was feeling very guilty that I could not love my stepson with the depth
that I loved my own biological children," she said. "I thought I was
supposed to be able to do that and there was something wrong with me."

When the Brown family attended a support group meeting aimed at helping
blended families learn to coexist in a peaceful manner, she realized there
was nothing wrong with her. In fact, her situation was common.

Gordon Taylor and Carri Taylor, co-founders of Opportunities Unlimited, hold
free monthly support group meetings in their home to help blended families
cope. 

During their latest group meeting, four couples discussed the trials and
tribulations of trying to make a stepfamily relationship successful.

As the couples told their stories, they found they had common issues -
conflict dealing with a former spouse, stepchildren intruding
on their territory and difficulty forming rapid emotional bonds.

"We were like the typical couple that walked in totally naive," said
Bruce Brown, 52. 

"We thought we were bulletproof. We thought we were immune to problems. Then
everything just blew up in our face, and that can cause the marriage to
suffer. If the marriage suffers, then that creates another set of problems
for the kids." 

When asked whether the problems were great enough that they ever considered
giving up on the marriage altogether, all of the attendees raised their
hands in agreement.

One of the lessons that the Browns learned from attending the support group
meetings and watching videos produced by the Taylors is that a bond between
a child and a stepparent doesn't happen overnight.

Carri Taylor, also a certified communications trainer and personal coach,
said it can take years for a child and stepparent to form a bond.

If a child is 5 when the blended family is created, it may take five years
for that bond to form.

"One of the key things we like to do in our teaching is to get the step
couple to focus on the children," she said. "The child is in charge because
you can't force a child to love you so fast."

Beth Anne Brown only gets to see her stepson every other weekend, so the
bonding might take her a little longer.

Gordon Taylor, a licensed marriage and family therapist, said they see
several couples who become so enthralled with planning the wedding ceremony
that they fail to put any focus on the marriage and the stepchildren.

"Everyone is looking at the caterers, the wedding dresses, makeovers and
jewelry, and we tell them they need to work on the marriage," he said. "Who
wants to work on the marriage when everyone is euphoric about the wedding?"

Apple and oranges

After attending support meetings, the Browns began changing the way they
approached issues within their stepfamily.

"An apple is the nuclear (biological) family, and the stepfamily is an
orange," Beth Anne Brown said. "They're both round, and they're both fruit,
but that's where the similarities end."

They have changed the way they handle disciplining Bryce. They used to
discipline him equally to show a united front. However, that method failed.

Bruce Brown now communicates the rules and dishes out the consequences, and
he lets Bryce know that his stepmother will help to enforce the rules.

The Browns said they have seen progress since they began attending the
group, and Bryce and his stepmother are beginning to form a stronger bond.
 

Tips for stepparents
..Recognize that stepfamilies are different from traditional families.
..Let the biological parent handle the discipline at first.
..Find a workable role as a stepparent and don't overdo it.
..Don't take things personally.
..Establish routines and traditions that bring a sense of family.
..Don't always expect a "thank you" from your stepchildren.

Tips for stepchildren
..Adult problems are not your fault.
..If you've been hoping that your biological parents will get back together,
then you're not alone.
..In a respectful manner, discuss what is bothering you.
..Treat your stepparent the same way you would want to be treated.

Source: http://www.stepfamilytips.com

Support Group
The next support group meeting will be from 5:30 to 8:30 p.m. March 8. For
more information, call the Taylors at 340-7145 or go to
http://www.cgtaylor.com


####################
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