Brochures | Tracks | Registration | Self-Silencing Women | Rituals | Jerks | Stepfamilies - 2/12/08

[Smartmarriages]

- BROCHURES??   
- SCHOOL/YOUTH PROGRAMS IN SAN FRANCISCO
- CONFERENCE REGISTRATION??
- SELF-SILENCING WOMEN
- BELLY BUTTON FUZZ
- HOW TO AVOID MARRYING A JERK IN JACKSONVILLE
- BRIDAL FAIRS AND MARRIAGE EDUCATION IN OKLAHOMA
#######################
- BROCHURES??

Diane, 
Will we receive brochures in time for our marriage week event on Sunday?
EG

You might....they're shipping bulk orders today via UPS. It's a shame that
we're so close to delivery for Marriage Week activities but may just miss
them by a day or two.  But the good news is the brochures are off the
presses and in the mail. I've not seen one yet.  Hope we like the new
4-color format.  - diane
 
########################
   
- SCHOOL/YOUTH PROGRAMS IN SAN FRANCISCO

> Hello,
> I was browsing your conference website and saw that there will be a roundtable
> that talks about youth and I wanted to find out more about the programs you
> recommend for teaching youth about healthy relationships.
> Yasmin Diallo Turk
> Prevention Specialist

See the School/Youth Conference Track (interest area) on the website:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/school.track.html

  There are many such interest area tracks:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/tracks.html

AND, there are many roundtables - both morning and afternoon
http://www.smartmarriages.com/roundtables.html
#########################
- CONFERENCE REGISTRATION??

> Diane, 
> Help! Our agency needs us to register for the Smartmarriage conference by this
> Friday, Feb 15.  We'll be a group registration and need to get the group
> discount.  Can we do this by phone? We need to run a credit card by this date.
> Mary Lou

The ONLINE registration form is live.  I wasn't going to announce this to
the list, but since you have an emergency this is by far the best way to
register.  We do not take phone registers plus you save an additional $10
per registration by registering online (vs FAX or mail).  I wasn't going to
announce that the online form was active because to register you don't just
pay you also have make workshop and Institute selections and it's much
easier to wait until you have a brochure in your hands.  BUT there is a
brochure that you can download and use to make your workshop selections.
There are instructions on the online registration form about how to do a
group registration.  It's actually simple.  Each person registers separately
and pays the regular rate then the 5th person, the one that is going to take
the free group registration, registers and pays $00.00.  It sounds
complicated but you'll see that it's quite simple once you get there. -diane

ONLINE Registration:
http://gotomylist.com/cme/smc05/smc08rf2.cfm

To Download a complete brochure (several options):
http://www.smartmarriages.com/download.brochure.html

#######################
- SELF-SILENCING WOMEN

> Diane 
> The study that said that women who 'held it in' ­ called self-silencing ­
> had 4 times the risk of dying from heart attacks is Elaine Eaker's research,
> using the big Framingham Offspring data base. You sent around
> an early news story on it.
> 
> The research was first reported in 2005, but not published until 2007. Both
> this study and the one you sent today underline how important it is to have
> more health & marriage workshops on the program ­ not just the research, but
> how we're going to teach couples that the behaviors that protect their
> health are the same ones that protect their marriages. We need to get to
> couples at mid-marriage to help them change negative interactions, and learn
> better communication skills. It really pays off.
> 
> Jana Staton

Jana is the chair of our Marriage and Health efforts and will chair a panel
on Marriage and Health and will host the HealthCare Settings Talkabout which
immediately follows the panel.

> 517 - Friday, July 4, San Francisco
> Healthcare Connection Strategies
> Jennifer Baker, PsyD, Duane Nelson, MS, Carolyn Curtis, PhD, Don Ferguson,
> PhD, Jana Staton, PhD
> Learn how to provide marriage & relationship education in health care settings
> ­ Relationship First Aid Kits, ob-gyn connections, PPT for busy docs, and
> training health care providers for brief interventions.

> AFTERNOON ROUNDTABLE "TALKABOUTS" - FRIDAY 4:30-6PM
> Share ideas about which marriage education, marriage-strengthening
> initiatives have worked (or not) in your setting. If you're registered for the
> conference, just show up. No special registration necessary.
> Medical Settings - host: Jana Staton
> Workplace - host: Tim Gardner
> Program Evaluation - host: Rita DeMaria
> For Californians Only - hosts: Dennis Stoica & Patty Howell

#######################

- BELLY BUTTON FUZZ

Happy marriages rely on little rituals
BY MOLLY MILLETT
Pioneer Press
02/11/2008 

Do we really want to know that some couples use belly-button fuzz as a tool
to stay connected?

For some, it might be too much information. But for University of St. Thomas
professor Carol Bruess and North Dakota State University doctoral candidate
and adjunct St. Thomas professor Anna Kudak, it's part of a fascinating body
of research into the rituals, routines and practices of happy couples.

Now, just in time for Valentine's Day, we can get a glimpse into that world
with Bruess' and Kudak's little coffee-table book, "What Happy Couples Do:
Belly Button Fuzz & Bare-Chested Hugs - the Loving Little Rituals of
Romance."

"Rituals are important," Bruess says. "The work of marriage takes place in
everyday moments."

Take that belly-button thing. The tradition started when the woman noticed
some fuzz on her guy's tummy. She teased him about it, and this led to her
routinely inspecting his belly button. More than 10 years later, the couple
continues to participate in a daily "search-and-rescue mission" for fuzz.
They even keep a container full of the stuff.

"Your first reaction might be that this is disgusting, but it's also an
intriguing look into a couple's private world," Bruess says.

Happy couples often have private, playful rituals or inside jokes and
references that only they get. "Marriage is and always has been hard work,"
Bruess says. "It needs maintenance. Developing new rituals is one way of
connecting.

"This book is based on the last 15 years of my own research," she says.
"They are inspiring examples that couples can adapt to their own lives."

In fact, Bruess has adapted another couple's ritual for her own marriage - a
monthly contest to see who can say "Happy Anniversary" first on the date of
their wedding.

And there's one ritual in the book Hallmark likely wouldn't endorse, but it
saves couples some money on Valentine's Day.

"This couple thought spending money on Valentine's (Day) cards was a waste
of precious resources, so instead, they would go to a drugstore and each
pick out a card that they would have purchased for each other," Bruess
explains. "They would then exchange them in the store, and say aloud what
they would have written inside them. Then, they put the cards back. Think
about how much effort and intention goes into that. This kind of ritual
shows the priceless history couples can have."

And for those happy couples who also become parents, Bruess and Kudak will
take on that issue in their next book, to be published in August: "What
Happy Parents Do: Ninety-Three Cents and a Little 'Humpty Dumpty' - the
Loving Little Rituals of a Child-Proof Marriage."

Molly Millett can be reached at mollymillett at pioneerpress.com or
651-228-5505.

Title: "What Happy Couples Do: Belly Button Fuzz & Bare-Chested Hugs - the
Loving Little Rituals of Romance"

Authors: Carol Bruess and Anna Kudak

Publisher: Fairview Press

Cost: $14.95 

##########################
- HOW TO AVOID MARRYING A JERK IN JACKSONVILLE

Rick Marks has attended the last ten Smart Marriages Conferences and is a
trained instructor in just about every course taught in the Coalition,
including John Van Epp's "How to Avoid Marrying A Jerk".  Take the workshop
with Van Epp in San Francisco.   It's a great one that almost fills itself
and that the media loves to feature - helps you publicize your marriage
efforts.  -diane  
 
> 804 - Saturday, July 5, San Francisco Smart Marriages
> How To Avoid Marrying A Jerk ­ TOOB
> John Van Epp, PhD
> Great marriages begin long before the wedding. Learn the 5 keys to successful
> mate-selection, and how to avoid the "love is blind" attachment-syndrome. For
> singles, or single again.

 
- SINGLES AT WORKSHOP LEARN HOW TO AVOID A REAL JERK
Jacksonville Times Union
February, 2008
Maggie Fitzroy

A marriage counselor sheds some light on those hard-to-get-along-with
partners.

Bob Fonseca of Jacksonville said he was once married to a "jerkette."

She wanted to get her own way all the time, "was selfish, not open to
change, and deceiving."

Because he's now looking to get into a serious relationship again, Fonseca
said he came to a workshop for singles Friday night at Atlantic Theatres to
avoid making the same mistakes he made before.

"How do you avoid that kind of person?" he asked.
"What traits do you look for?"

Fonseca wasn't alone.

Singles of all ages flocked to "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk or Jerkette,
Follow Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind," by family and marriage
counselor Richard Marks of Marriage for Life, a non-profit organization
whose goal is to strengthen marriage and families.

With the divorce rate in Jacksonville at 68 to 70 percent, which is well
above the national average of 50 percent, Marks said he wants to prevent the
pain and cost of divorce.

During the 21/2-hour presentation, Marks spoke about the warning signs that
someone may be "a jerk," and therefore not suitable for marriage.
 
He listed important facts to know about a potential mate before assuming
they can be trusted or relied on.

And he defined levels of adult emotional development, and how to tell if
someone is "an emotional adult," or an emotional infant, child or
adolescent. 

Emotional infants treat others as if they are objects that meet their needs,
Marks said. 

"They can be tyrants, and get what they want through intimidation, but love
doesn't last." 

Emotional children act out feelings of pain, fear and resentment if needs
are not met, through "pouting, whining, clinging, deception, withholding,
placating or manipulating."

Emotional adolescents often feel controlled and resent it, Marks said.
But healthy people who are ready for marriage are able to take the needs of
others into account. They are capable of mutual concern and can care for and
nurture their partner.

"A jerk is a person who has a pattern of problematic behavior that makes it
difficult to be in a relationship with them, and where growth and intimacy
are hindered," Marks said.

They have "limited insight, poor emotional controls and inadequate
relationship skills."

Marks said while the workshop helps people define desirable qualities they'd
like to see in others, it also allows them to examine themselves.

As a child of a "disastrous marriage" that ended in divorce, Marks, who has
a doctorate in psychology, said he was once a jerk because he grew up
"broken." 

After 23 years of marriage, life and matrimony are good, he said. Because he
was open to change.

"A jerk resists change. The hallmark trait of a mature person is that they
are teachable," he said.

After it ended, Lisa Whetzel said the workshop, which included videos, humor
and lots of laughter, was helpful.

Recently out of a relationship, it allowed her to see where she went wrong.
"There were some communication issues. If we had come to this, we may have
improved," she said.

She has some "faint hope" that she may find the type of emotionally mature
adult that Marks described.

"But I'm not sure I am one," she said. "I can make use of this to improve
myself as well." 

What makes someone a jerk?
Here are some of the characteristics, according to "How to Avoid Marrying a
Jerk or Jerkette, Follow Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind," a workshop
presented Friday in Atlantic Beach:
- They think they have it all together instead of admitting their
weaknesses.
- They are defensive and blame others.
- They act out angry feelings or rebel.
- They demand trust instead of earning it.
- They are self-righteous instead of humble.

#####################
- BRIDAL FAIRS AND MARRIAGE EDUCATION IN OKLAHOMA

Love news about invading Bridal Fairs with Marriage Education
information....you'd think it would be an obvious fit, but it isn't.
Good work in Oklahoma!  - diane


Hi Diane
We've been getting good press here in Oklahoma. We've participated in two
Bridal Fairs. One that the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative (OMI) also exhibited
in, sponsored by our local News9 TV station. Below is an article that
appeared in the Oklahoman before the Bridal Fair last weekend. OMI and
Opportunities Unlimited (us) were the only ones there that had
anything to do with "Marriage." Alicia Hanson for OMI was on the Panel of
Experts during the 1st show in the morning, and I (Carri) was
on the Panel during the 2nd show in the afternoon. This coming weekend there
will be another article specifically on stepfamilies in
the Oklahoman. The reporter spent 2 hours with us and several other
stepcouples in our home. - Carri Taylor


- Beyond the Wedding: Learn how to navigate troubled water with premarital
counseling.
The Oklahoman
February, 2008 

Carri & Gordon Taylor like to think of a wedding as a bridge that couples
cross into marriage as they get to know each other.

The Taylors are a married couples that started Opportunities Unlimited, a
counseling service in Oklahoma City that offers premarital counseling. They
think that there are very few couples who know how to communicate well at
first. Their practice is designed to teach those skills so that when couples
cross that wedding bridge, they'll be equipped to handle the floods of
trouble that come at times in any relationship.

"In therapy you dig things up and you identify issues and become aware, but
in order to keep people out of counseling you have to improve their skill,"
said Gordon Taylor, who is a marriage and family therapist.

That's where his wife comes in. Carri Taylor is a communication skills
trainer and coach. 

"I teach people how to talk, listen, resolve conflict, understand anger...to
give them some foundational skills so they have a level playing field and
know how to fight fair," she said. (Carri is a Certified Trainer in Couple
Communication I and II - Interpersonal Communication Programs - Sherod &
Phyllis Miller.) 

Marriage isn't always easy, a detail that sometimes gets lost in the
planning of a wedding. Some say that premarital counseling is an essential
step to making sure the romance doesn't end on the wedding day or soon
thereafter.

"All of this preparation goes into one day, but people often overlook the
skills they need to have a successful marriage," said Alicia Hanson,
coordinator for the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative.

Through a grant, Oklahoma's initiative offers seminars for engaged couples
and others who want to improve their relationships as part of the All About
Us tour statewide. throughout the year. The marriage education workshops are
free, and attending them can knock $45 off the cost of a marriage license,
bringing it down to $5.

"Statistically, any preparation that a couple does before a wedding enhances
their chances for a successful marriage," Carri Taylor said.

The Taylors acknowledge that people are often attracted to mates who are
different than they are. But those differences can soon turn into
irritations, and the couple then must learn to embrace them and value them.

"It's not the good times that bring a couple together. It's the ability to
resolve conflict," Gordon Taylor said. "That's the key to a productive
marriage."

For information about the state workshops, helpful information about
relationships and marriage or to find out how to look for a
premarital counselor, go to www.okmarriage.org. For Opportunities Unlimited,
call (405) 340-7145 or go to www.cgtaylor.com. Also
check with your minister or priest or religious leader or get referrals from
family and friends.
-------------
Carri and Gordon will present their Stepfamily TOOB program in San
Francisco.
To see their workshops and others in the Stepfamily TRACK see:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/step.track.html


Send submissions and comments for the listserv to: diane at smartmarriages.com
Do NOT hit "reply". If you hit reply your email will go into cyberspace and
NO ONE will see your email.

This is a moderated list. Submissions and comments are read by Diane Sollee,
editor. Please indicate if your comment is NOT to be shared with the list.
PLEASE include your email address and/or url as part of your signature.

Please also understand that with thousands of subscribers, not all comments
can be shared. Also realize that opinions expressed are not necessarily
shared by members of the Coalition.

To SUBSCRIBE, UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address,
use the form at: http://www.smartmarriages.com. Click Newsletter/Listserv -
in the left column under the puzzle piece.

To read past posts to the listserv, visit the Archive at:
http://lists101.his.com/pipermail/smartmarriages/

12th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, Hilton San Francisco Hotel,
July 2 - 5, 2008  
Pre-Conference Training Institutes June 30-July 2
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 6

List your program and resources on the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html

Order conference audio & video CD/DVD/MP3s: 800-241-7785 or
http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332

FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter/site contains copyrighted material the
use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright
owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance
understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family
breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material
as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with
Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed
without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the
included information for research and educational purposes. For more
information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you
wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own
that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright
owner.