APA | Rockin Marriage Song | Work Spouse | Communication & Health Research | DNA??? | 600 attend one marriage class!! - 2/12/08

[Smartmarriages]

- FRIENDS IN HIGH PLACES
- ONE HOT SONG
- WORK SPOUSE
- MARITAL COMMUNICATION GREAT FOR OUR HEALTH
- DNA MATE SELECTION
- SEXUALLY ADDICTED MEN: MENDING A SHATTERED HEART
- 600 ATTEND MARRIAGE CLASS!!!! (WOW - THE RECORD TO TRY TO BEAT)

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- FRIENDS IN HIGH PLACES

James Bray, a friend of Marriage Education, was just elected president of
the American Psychological Association.  Dr Bray, a stepfamily researcher
and expert presented at the 2001 and 2002 Smart Marriages Conferences.
http://www.bcm.edu/familymed/jbray/

This was his Smart Marriages workshop:

Love and Parenting in Stepfamilies
James Bray, PhD 
Bray¹s 10-year study identifies the natural stages and
essential developmental tasks of successful stepfamily formation and
presents exercises to ease the way.

######################
- ONE HOT SONG

> Diane: Forgive me if I've misunderstood, but I thought the original request
> was for rockin', stompin' type music.  I immediately thought of "Hot Mama" by
> Trace Adkins ­ can't believe no one else suggested it or maybe they did and
> you thought it was inappropriate.  Here are links to the lyrics and the video
> on YouTube: http://www.lyricsdownload.com/trace-adkins-hot-mama-lyrics.html
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RjdpSQD2bns
> Julianne Bock, CME Executive Director, Marriage Resource Center of Wayne
County
 
You're right, Jim Burg was asking for rocking, get down, marriage songs
http://tinyurl.com/yqctnx
and, finally, here's one that fits!  Can see why it's selling as a
ring tone and, like you, I'm surprised it wasn't submitted sooner. The women
will like the sentiment - and the men gotta love the video.
  - diane 

Lyrics: 
> ONE HOT MAMA You're doing all you can To get in them old jeans You want that
> body back You had at 17 Now baby, don't get down Don't you worry 'bout a thing
> cuz the way you're fillin out, Hey Thats alright with me I don't want the girl
> you used to be And if you aint notice The kids are fast aleep and You're...

> One Hot Mama! You turn me on lets turn it up, And turn this room into a sauna.
> One hot mama Oh, watta ya say babe you wanna?
> 
> I know sometimes you think that all you really are Is the women with the kids,
> And the groceries in the car. and you're worryin' 'bout you hips, And you're
> worried 'bout your age. Meanwhile I try to catch the breath you take away. Oh,
> And believe me you still do, Baby All I see, When I look at you is...
> 
> One Hot Mama You turn me on, Lets turn it up, And turn this room into a sauna
> One hot mama, Oh whatta ya say babe you wanna?
> 
> I can't imagine me loving someone else I'm a lucky man, I think daddy's got
> himself....
> 
> One hot mama, you turn me on, lets turn it up, And turn this room into a
> sauna. One hot mama, Oh whatta ya say babe? Oh now whatta ya say babe? you
> wanna?
> 
> 'Cause you're ONE HOT MAMA Lets turn this room into a sauna! Whatta ya say
> babe? Whatta ya say babe?
> 
########################
- WORK SPOUSE

Here's an article on the CNN.Living site Feb 5, 2008

# Professor says: Having a "work spouse" can be a good thing # Says it's an
esteem booster, makes them happy to come to work # Questions to ask to make
sure flirting doesn't cross the line

Platonic work flirting: Good for business?

The career information Web site Vault.com reports that in a 2007
office-romance survey of 575 employees, 23 percent said they had a "work
husband" or a "work wife."

As with real spouses, work spouses turn to each other for mental and
emotional support, perhaps share inside jokes or even bicker like married
couples. But that's where the line is drawn.

Having a work spouse can give you an emotional connection without a
professional nosedive. Heidi Reeder, associate professor of communication at
Boise State University in Idaho, says it can be a good thing.

Here's the link to the full article:
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/worklife/02/05/work.spouse/index.html

######################
- MARITAL COMMUNICATION GREAT FOR OUR HEALTH

[I'm quite sure I sent an article recently that said that it was more
dangerous for women to suppress their feelings.  No time to look for it now,
but seems it contradicted the final finding in this study.  In any case,
it's more research on the importance of teaching good marital communication
skills. -d]

Mutual Resentment in Marriage Can Be Deadly The Washington Post By Randy
Dotinga HealthDay Reporter Friday, February 8, 2008

FRIDAY, Feb. 8 (HealthDay News) -- Experts say the secret to a long marriage
is communication, and new research now notes it's also the key to a long
life.

A lengthy study of Midwestern couples finds that those who felt free to
express their feelings lived longer than the perennially resentful. The
couples with the most unexpressed anger died the earliest.

"The worst thing to do is to keep it in, not talk about the problem, brood
about it, and be continuously angry," said study author Ernest Harburg,
professor emeritus at the University of Michigan School of Public Health.
"Not talking about the problems in your close relationship is not good for
your longevity."

The findings may seem obvious, but Harburg said previous research hadn't
pinned down a connection between lifespan and level of marital
communication. It's important, he said, to confirm what seems to be so.

Harburg and his colleagues have been following 192 couples from the small
town of Tecumseh, Mich., for 17 years. The study, published in the January
issue of the Journal of Family Communication, examines what happened to them
between 1971 and 1988.

About 14 percent of the couples were defined as "anger-in" types, meaning
both spouses developed resentments and failed to resolve problems. "They
don't talk about the problem, and when they do, they just start fighting
again," Harburg said.

After the mortality rates among the participants were adjusted for the
impact of things like heart disease and smoking, the "anger-in" couples
still died earlier than couples who handled anger in other ways.

Of the 192 couples studied, both spouses in 26 pairs suppressed their anger;
there were 13 deaths in that group. With the remaining 166 couples, there
was a total of 41 deaths. Both spouses died in 23 percent of the mutual
suppression couples during the study period, compared to 6 percent of the
other couples.

The better approach, Harburg said, is to work together. "You listen, you
don't interrupt, you hear the other person, you talk back and forth. And
then you use your imagination, resolve the problem and come to some kind of
consensus."

Still, the findings did turn up some evidence that mutual open communication
might not be entirely a good idea. The couples who seemed to live the
longest were those in which the man expressed his anger and the wife held
hers in.

Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, director of the Division of Health Psychology at Ohio
State University College of Medicine, said it's clear that marital
interactions affect the body. "We know that couples who are nasty or hostile
with each other when discussing disagreements showed larger increases in
stress hormones and greater dysregulation of immune function as a
consequence," she explained.

Kiecolt-Glaser and her colleagues published a study in which they found that
small blister wounds on a forearm took two days longer to heal in couples
who were hostile to each other.

While the new study isn't as complete as it could be, Kiecolt-Glaser said,
it does show "the importance of good communication that is consistent over
time."

Harburg agreed. "If you're committed to using your intelligence and your
creativity to stay in the relationship and solve the problems, then you'll
get through all the rough patches," he said.

More information

Learn more about stress and the body from the American Institute of Stress.

SOURCES: Ernest Harburg, Ph.D., professor emeritus, University of Michigan
School of Public Health and Psychology Department, New York City; Janice
Kiecolt-Glaser, Ph.D., Division of Health Psychology, Ohio State University
College of Medicine, Columbus; January 2008Journal of Family Communication

#######################
- DNA MATE SELECTION

Diane,

Here's an outfit that matches your DNA with potential mates to see if your
immune systems are compatible.....the latest genetic research that matches
for mating and child-bearing. A new and uncharted territory in match-making,
for a hefty price, and the jury is still out as to whether these matches
make the best long-term matches. Data base isn't large enough yet to really
make many matches. Interesting.
http://www.scientificmatch.com/html/index.php
-Wendy 

How can they get away with making these claims!? - diane

> The 6 benefits of scientific matching: * Chances are increased that you¹ll
> love the natural body fragrance of your matches. * You have a greater chance
> of a more satisfying sex life. * Women tend to enjoy a higher rate of orgasms
> with their partners.
> 
> * Women have a much lower chance of cheating in their exclusive relationships.
> * Couples tend to have higher rates of fertility. * All other things being
> equal, couples have a greater chance of having healthier children with more
> robust immune systems.
> 
######################
- SEXUALLY ADDICTED MEN: MENDING A SHATTERED HEART

> Hi Diane,  There's a new book coming out about partners (mostly women) who are
> married to sexually addicted men. The name of the book is Mending A Shattered
> Heart and it is edited by Stephanie Carnes at Gentle Path Press which is small
> publishing house about sexual addiction with Patrick Carnes as the head of the
> organization. I have a chapter in it called, Straight Guise: Is My Partner
> Gay? Please let the list know about it.
> Warmly, Joe Kort 
####################
- 600 ATTEND MARRIAGE CLASS!!!! (WOW - THE RECORD TO TRY TO BEAT)

> Diane ­
> 
> We had over 600 people at our Feb. 9th ³All About Us² workshop in Oklahoma
> City. We provide this one-day workshop each year around Valentine¹s Day and,
> this year, engaged couples made up 45% of registrants!  This event was the
> first stop on our year-long ³All About Us² tour which consists of 21 workshops
> offered in communities across the state, with targeted services for
> Spanish-speaking couples, engaged couples, university students, and
> stepfamilies.
> 
> The following is an article that ran in the Daily Oklahoman.
> Kendy Cox
> 

Class helps set Cupid¹s arrow
€ Married, engaged couples learn to fortify
bonds during free event.
By Micah Gamino Staff Writer
Daily Oklahoman 
FEB 10, 2008 

Hundreds of Oklahoma couples attended a free workshop in downtown
Oklahoma City on Saturday ‹ not just to qualify for cheaper marriage
licenses but to ³learn the tools for a lifetime of love.²

Many couples at the All About Us workshop at the Coca-Cola Bricktown Events
Center said although they like the fact that attending the workshop earns
them a discount on an Oklahoma marriage license, they also learned some
valuable relationship skills.

In fact, couples like Joseph and Rogena Skrdla came just for the lessons.

³We¹ve been married almost 10 years, and by no means do we feel like we are
to the end,² said Rogena Skrdla, 28. ³I mean, that¹s why we¹re doing this.
We want to know what else to do. We never want to get to the point where we
give up on our marriage. We want to continually do things better and learn
about each other.²

Joseph Skrdla, 35, said he thinks marriage often is seen as expendable.

³Anymore, it seems like ... if something makes you upset, then get away from
it, quit it,² he said. ³They carry that into marriages. If something upsets
them with their spouse, they just divorce and go on. They don¹t have that
commitment.²

Most of all, the Warr Acres couple said, they want to build on their
relationship.

³We just want to better ourselves any way we can,² Joseph Skrdla said, ³and
maintain that commitment, and the friendship and the building blocks to keep
it intact.²

Preventive maintenance

Kendy Cox, the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative¹s director of service delivery,
said the organization¹s mission should not be misunderstood as being about
helping troubled relationships.

³A key thing that we like to get out there is that this is about
prevention,² Cox said. ³It does not mean couples are struggling in their
relationship, and because they show up at a workshop like this, it means
that they¹re headed to divorce court on Monday.

³No, we like to equate it with changing the oil in your car; regular
maintenance like that. We don¹t do those things because we think our car is
going to break down. We do it so that it doesn¹t break down.²

Cox said the workshop has become a staple over the past five years.

³Historically, we¹ve done our big events around Valentine¹s Day ... when
couples are thinking about their relationship and exploring that romantic
nature,² she said.

Learning to listen

One of the communication skills couples learned Saturday was the
³speaker-listener² technique.

³It helps you listen better and to make sure you¹re understanding what your
partner is saying,² Joseph Skrdla said. ³Sometimes, when you talk to
someone, you¹ll hear something in there that you don¹t agree with or that
you have an issue with and you¹ll focus on that.²

Irgen Hatlelid and Michelle Williams of Oklahoma City have been engaged for
almost a year. They say they¹ve put the technique to the test, and it works.

³It¹s funny because we¹ve actually resolved some of the problems we¹ve been
having,² said Williams, 25. ³He¹s from Norway, and there¹s a little bit of a
language barrier sometimes, and he¹ll say something and I¹ll misunderstand
it ... because he didn¹t say it the way he wanted it to come across. So I
need to be more cautious about double checking with him.²

The workshop was the couple¹s first try at any type of marriage counseling,
and they recommended that all couples keep their minds open to relationship
advice.

Hatlelid said it¹s good to learn healthy ways to handle disagreements.

³By coming here, everybody will learn something new that they can do to have
an even better relationship,² he said.

The All About Us workshop is being offered in nine Oklahoma cities through
November. The next two workshops will take place separately on Feb. 16 in
McAlester and Tulsa.

.....

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12th Annual Smart Marriages® Conference, Hilton San Francisco Hotel,
July 2 - 5, 2008  
Pre-Conference Training Institutes June 30-July 2
Post-Conference Training Institutes July 6

List your program and resources on the Directory of Classes at
http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html

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http://www.iPlaybackSmartMarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
http://www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332

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