More on MARRY HIM - 2/11/08

[Smartmarriages]

- SETTLE DOWN CARTOON
- NEW LOOK AT MARRIAGE: NPR
- MARRY HIM: COMMENTS (ALL FROM FEMALES)
- THE BONDS OF LOVE (BANDS OPTIONAL)

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- SETTLE DOWN CARTOON

A woman, hand on doorknob of her apartment, turns to date and says:
³I had a nice time, Steve. Would you like to come in, settle down, and raise
a family?²  New Yorker Magazine, February 4,2008

Figure this has to be related to the Marry Him article, or maybe it's just
something in the water.  - diane

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- NEW LOOK AT MARRIAGE: NPR
Diane
I heard Lori Gottlieb author of MARRY HIM on NPR's All Things Considered.
Pretty good.  The list can listen: http://tinyurl.com/3yjc9v
Single 40-Year-Old Takes New Look at Marriage
She's come to the conclusion that the romantic view of marriage she has been
clinging to might be all wrong, and that a more practical, pragmatic
approach might make marriage more of a possibility in the future.

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- MARRY HIM: COMMENTS (ALL FROM FEMALES)
Diane,
It's sweet that Lori Gottlieb thinks all she or the rest of us have to do is
change her view of marriage and Mr Good Enough will marry her/us. Maybe she
needs to read the Kay Hymowitz article about MR WON'T GROW UP.  It takes two
to want to sign up for Gottlieb's new practical domestic view of marriage.
Mandy 

Diane, I thought Lori Gottlieb's agony and pain were heart-wrenching, but it
also seems that she believes that SHE is Ms. Right. Somehow 'settling' as a
verb still seems a put-down of men, as in having to stoop to the level of
ordinary humanity. Just a hint, we're all just 'good-enough', and a little
realism and practicality are very helpful. After many years, I married a
very 'good-enough' man, and he's definitely become Mr. Right.
Jana Staton 


Diane-
Thank you for the Brain Scan and Marry Him articles.  I want to share 2
thoughts.  When my husband and I got married, during the "lighting of the
unity candle" ceremony, we left our individual candles lit after lighting
the big candle.  I have never seen it done since, and always keep hoping
that I will.  We wanted the symbol of creating something new and bigger than
ourselves that was only there because of our coming together, but we also
wanted to be clear that we were not losing ourselves or becoming somehow
less than a whole individual because of it.  And this at the tender age of
19.  Today, 17 years later, we are happily married (I'd like to see our
brain scans), and yet also happily 2 distinct people.

Point #2: It is such a misperception that we must search for Mr. Right, or
Mr. MyTwin (a la "Why doesn't he want to go see that 'chick flick' with
me?!"  Uh... maybe because he's not a chick!  Why don't you want to go see
that 'exploding things everywhere' movie with him?).  It is actually quite
self-centered to believe that the only person qualified to be my equal
partner is somebody perfect.  While it is important to examine our
relationships closely and to be careful not to knowingly enter into
unhealthy unions (and then have kids, and then get divorced), the idea of
perfection is just that-- an idea, not reality.  On days when I look over at
my husband and wonder if I married a Martian, I realize that the answer is
partly yes, and guess what, so did he!  Graciousness and forgiveness are
imperative in any marriage (or any relationship for that matter) if it is
going to last.  People don't stick around too long when the message is clear
that there is no room for who they are.  And knowing that there's room to
make mistakes and be less-than-perfect too is very freeing!

~Sara Boyd

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- THE BONDS OF LOVE (BANDS OPTIONAL)
By Lisa Armstrong
Special to The Washington Post
Monday, February 11, 2008

[This piece wonderfully illustrates the challenges of the first years of
marriage ­ the so called "honeymoon" period.  - diane ]

About four months after our wedding day, my husband lost his ring. He said
he thought it might have slipped off at work -- it had always been a little
loose -- and that perhaps after drying his hands in the bathroom he might
have tossed both ring and paper towel in the trash. I was a little disturbed
by his nonchalance, especially since he'd never wanted to wear a ring in the
first place, and I wondered if he'd "lost" it on purpose.

I asked if he'd put up a note in the bathroom or wherever, just in case
someone found the ring.

He sighed and said he thought it would be "a little bit sissy" putting up a
sign asking about a lost ring.

I didn't understand the logic, but then after four months of marriage, I was
starting to realize that little about this guy made sense.....

For the full article:
http://tinyurl.com/357x84
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