HOLD ONTO YOUR HATS: MARRY HIM! | Arranged Marriages | -2/9/-8

[Smartmarriages]

- WOW: MARRY HIM! A LANDMARK ARTICLE
- SPERM DONORS ON OPRAH FRIDAY FEB 8
- MYTHS AND FACTS ABOUT ARRANGED MARRIAGE
- TWO ARRANGED MARRIAGE COUPLES SHARE THEIR THOUGHTS

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- WOW: MARRY HIM! A LANDMARK ARTICLE

This one just might turn the tide.

Lori Gottlieb, she of highest liberal/radical/feminist credentials
(Atlantic, NPR, This American Life, Slate, The NY Times, etc), wrote a piece
for Atlantic in 2005 about her decision to have a baby on her own via donor
sperm. Now in MARRY HIM! she's had second thoughts, and that's putting it
mildly. She makes the case for SETTLING for Mr Good Enough.  She explains
that like so many of her counterparts she was so focused on finding true
love that she hadn't appreciated the benefits of having a husband.  She
wishes she'd listened to her mother when she said *I know that you want to
be happy and I want you to be happy, too. But will you be happy if you end
up alone?*  

Barbara Dafoe Whitehead covered all this in her 2006 Smart Marriages keynote
MESSAGE TO OUR DAUGHTERS.  Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher covered it in
their 2001 book THE CASE FOR MARRIAGE. As Linda Waite said in her Smart
Marriages keynote, *If they haven't found Mr. Right. Maybe there's just a
Mr. OK or Mr. Pretty Good.*  And, this will be the focus of John Van Epp's
keynote in San Francisco, WAITING TO MARRY.  It's a problem of epic
proportions and we've got our work cut out for us - AND our work is to get
word out to Ms Gottlieb and her cohorts that they have a Third Option.  They
don't have to choose between being alone -OR- settling for a grim,
grit-your-teeth, less-than kind of marriage. They can learn how to become
Masters of Love and Marriage - learn how to tend their Marriage Garden and
light up those MRI brain scans long into the future.  Yes, they can!  Yes,
we can!  - diane 

These two are must-read keepers - Marry Him and the interview.

Marry Him! 
The Atlantic 
Feb 2008

About six months after my son was born, he and I were sitting on a blanket
at the park with a close friend and her daughter. It was a sunny summer
weekend, and other parents and their kids picnicked nearby‹mothers munching
berries and lounging on the grass, fathers tossing balls with their giddy
toddlers. My friend and I, who, in fits of self-empowerment, had conceived
our babies with donor sperm because we hadn¹t met Mr. Right yet, surveyed
the idyllic scene.

³Ah, this is the dream,² I said, and we nodded in silence for a minute, then
burst out laughing. In some ways, I meant it: we¹d both dreamed of
motherhood, and here we were, picnicking in the park with our children. But
it was also decidedly not the dream. The dream, like that of our mothers and
their mothers from time immemorial, was to fall in love, get married, and
live happily ever after. Of course, we¹d be loath to admit it in this day
and age, but ask any soul-baring 40-year-old single heterosexual woman what
she most longs for in life, and she probably won¹t tell you it¹s a better
career or a smaller waistline or a bigger apartment. Most likely, she¹ll say
that what she really wants is a husband (and, by extension, a child).

To the outside world, of course, we still call ourselves feminists and
insist‹vehemently, even‹that we¹re independent and self-sufficient and don¹t
believe in any of that damsel-in-distress stuff, but in reality, we aren¹t
fish who can do without a bicycle, we¹re women who want a traditional
family. And despite growing up in an era when the centuries-old mantra to
get married young was finally (and, it seemed, refreshingly) replaced by
encouragement to postpone that milestone in pursuit of high ideals
(education! career! but also true love!), every woman I know‹no matter how
successful and ambitious, how financially and emotionally secure‹feels
panic, occasionally coupled with desperation, if she hits 30 and finds
herself unmarried. . . . For the full article:
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry


Also, see: 
The interview with the author: "The Case for Mr. Not-Quite Right"
Lori Gottlieb talks about soul mates, all-consuming love, and why it makes
sense to compromise those ideals.
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200802u/gottlieb-interview
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- SPERM DONORS ON OPRAH FRIDAY FEB 8

Several of you wrote about the Oprah Show on Friday.  Yes, I did see it and
yes, I agree it does fit with WAITING TO MARRY and yes I agree it was hard
to watch.  The point of the show is that 30,000 babies are born in America
each year via sperm donors and that as one of the sperm donor babies said on
the show: people need to realize is that these babies don't stay cute little
babies - they grow up and want to/need to know their fathers. She said she
felt like a product of an industry that was unmonitored and basically out of
control.      

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- MYTHS AND FACTS ABOUT ARRANGED MARRIAGE
Star Tribune (Minneapolis/St Paul)
February 8, 2008

(And what about *arranged marriages* - listening to your mother, friends,
martial inventories, eHarmony? - diane)

Arranged marriage, while declining, is still a common practice in many
Eastern and Asian countries. And it is largely misunderstood by Westerners.
One reason may be that couples in successful arranged marriages see no need
to trumpet how they met. Instead, the media focus on tragic, yet rare, tales
of bride kidnappings and child marriages, the latter driven largely by
dowries in poor countries and generally acknowledged to be a contributing
factor to female infanticide. Fortunately, worldwide condemnation of those
practices grows.

Here, then, are facts about arranged marriages as most couples experience
them.

Decreasing, but still strong. Arranged marriage remains the dominant form of
matrimony in much of the world, rich and poor, cities and provinces, in
India, Africa, the Middle East and east Asia, said Amit Batabyal, a
professor at the Rochester Institute of Technology and author of a 2006 book
on arranged marriages.

Many people can be arrangers. Parents play a big role, but so do aunts and
uncles, grandparents, close friends and intermediaries, all weeding through
portfolios of eligible candidates before presenting suitable suitors.

A perfect match? Arrangers consider many factors in bringing two people
together. Family reputation is huge. His vocation (doctors, lawyers,
accountants, engineers and scientists are considered excellent husband
material) is big, too. While her work is considered to be less important, it
is no longer uncommon for two people in the same field to be matched.
Wealth, appearance, religion, dietary preferences and, in India, numerology
may also factor in.

Young people are becoming their own marriage arrangers. Websites such as
naseeb.com, suitablematch.com and Indian Matrimonials.com are springing up,
allowing singles to shop online for their own spouses. Others meet their
mates the Western way, through work or friends. "The tradition [of
arranging] is vanishing," said Dia Cha, a professor of ethnic studies and
Hmong culture at St. Cloud State University. "Young people are very much
determined to find their own partners in life. It's very hard for parents to
influence them."

Singles can -- and do -- say no. A widely held myth is that young people
cannot turn down a potential suitor. Everyone interviewed had tales of
meeting, and rejecting, this one or that one. Shelly Haque, from Bangladesh
and now Lino Lakes, turned down dozens of suitors before meeting and
marrying Kaiser Haque 10 years ago.

Divorce happens. Divorce statistics are hard to come by, but divorce is
legal throughout even the traditional Islamic world, with rates in some
countries approaching or even exceeding those in the West, according to a
2002 Gallup Poll. In Saudi Arabia and Kuwait, for example, those who view
divorce as "entirely justifiable morally" outnumber those who strongly
condemn it.

Success happens, too. Much can be learned from those in arranged marriages
about love over the long haul.

"For Westerners, you love first before you marry," Cha said. "For most
Easterners, the philosophy is that you marry first and develop an intimate
relationship. You begin to understand each other and you grow."

GAIL ROSENBLUM

© 2008 Star Tribune.
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- TWO ARRANGED MARRIAGE COUPLES SHARE THEIR THOUGHTS

What's love got to do with it?

A lot. Just not right away. Two couples in arranged marriages share thoughts
on their style of commitment.
By GAIL ROSENBLUM, Star Tribune
February 8, 2008 

For anyone about to experience it, marriage requires a herculean leap of
faith. 
-------
> Today, 18 years into a solid union, they see the benefits and detriments of
> their path. Raj's sister's arranged marriage ended in divorce and "everybody
> thought it was for the best," Raj says. Other friends have found their
> partners through college or work. "Some marriages click, some don't," Raj
> said. "I don't think any one system makes it special."
> 
> Nirmala agrees, mostly. "Ultimately, a good marriage happens however you get
> there," she said. They all take work, compatibility (they both love football,
> travel, reading and trivia) and respect for each other's passions.
> 
> "Plus, I give her space," Raj said, "and she gives me space."
> 
> But their bond began with one additional element that could explain its magic.
> "The family net is cast so wide," Nirmala said. "You are entering marriage
> with as much as 80 years of [familial] experience behind you. The strength of
> arranged marriage is that you are looking through the eyes of people who have
> lived there."

--------------
> "Why did you marry my sister?"
> 
> Sit down, his brother-in-law said. "In the West," he told Kaiser,
> "relationships start at a boiling point and simmer down. They get cold. In the
> East, they start at a simmer and heat up over time."
> 
> Kaiser smiles at the memory. "I saw the value in that. The person who brings
> the couple together knows their compatibility over the long run. The physical
> thing wears off fast. . . . ."
> 
> So, the matchmaking began through family friends. . . .
> 
> They've faced rough patches as any marriage does. Shelly said her husband is
> much the same man she married, but having children has loosened him up a
> little.
> 
> "A lot," he corrected.
> 
> "A lot," she agreed.
> 
> So, what explains their success so far? Is it their shared socioeconomic
> status? Their intellectual compatibility? Their common dreams?
> 
> Yes. All of that. But Shelly isn't making a list.
> 
> "Maybe some things," she said, "are still a mystery to me."
> 
-------------------
For the complete article with photos:
http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/family/15439141.html

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